amand_r

(Lying in bed before it's time to get up.)
Viv: We're best friends forever.
Me: (melty)
Her: I love you.
Me: (melty)

Later...
Viv: (to baby doll) We're best friends forever.
Me: O_o?!!?
Her: (to doll) I love you.
Me: (puts salt on her cereal)

AND:

(falls off rocking horse and lands on her crotch. I dunno. I wasn't there.)
Her: It hurts.
Me: I am sorry. Do you need a hug?
Her: (grabbing between legs) Kiss it better?
Me: Uh, no. (kisses hand and smacks her bum) Yeah, that's...that'll work.
Her: YAY!

I HAVE BEEN UP SINCE 8:30 AND I AM NOT TIRED. I AM GOING TO WRITE A LOT TODAY, BUT FIRST, CLEANING AND SHIT.

AND WHILST I HAVE BEEN FAILING AT A HIGH WORD COUNT FOR NANO, I HAVE NOT BEEN LAX ON STARTING THE PROJECTS EVERY DAY. BEHOLD THE OPENINGS FOR EVERY SHORT STORY SO FAR:

NOVEMBER:

1ST: Cherry thinks that it's fortuitous that her fortune would tell her to be a kid again just as she's thinking about digging into her child's Halloween candy. Dexter is only three, and there's no way in hell he's going to eat all that candy himself, so really, it's her Halloween candy, right? That she had let him go trick or treating two nights in a row in two different places was in no way a reflection on her greed for the can-day.

2ND: Whippoorwill Jones merely hated her name until the first time she saw it in print on her WANTED poster. Then she fucking detested it.

3RD: "That heating blanket doesn't work," I told Carl over breakfast. "It was so hot that I had to throw it off. I kept turning it down."

Carl licked the underside of his spoon, but didn't make a response. I wasn't allowed to talk to him before nine-thirty, but I did anyway, and he ignored it.

4TH: The plaque on the far wall directly in my eyesight each and every day says, "EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH: Alice Shand," accompanied by a girl's blond haired, blue-eyed visage staring sullenly at the camera. It's not me. I've only been working here for three months.

Alice has been dead for seven. Still, employee of the month.

5TH: Additionally, my mother has informed me that she's started having visions. Because that's what every child wants to hear. (Sam gave me this one ages ago.)

6TH: Bert is a traffic cop who hates speeding, red lights, pylons, and anyone behind the wheel of a vehicle. This is not to say that he hates you per se. If you met him on the street and waved a hand, shouting a cheery "Hello there!" you'd probably only get a grunt, but grunts doth not equal hate.

7TH: The best thing for the Cracker Barrel, Dodi thought, was to set it on fire. She never would, but she could dream about it.

8TH: They come to the church bake sale with pies and smiles. They leave with empty hands and sense that they have done something to make the world better.

NOW TO WORK ON EPISODE 7. BYE PEOPLES.

1. What's with Family Guy's Conway Twitty thing? It started with short clips, and now 7.13 had a whole performance of "I See The 'Want To' In Your Eyes". Not that I didn't LOL, but what up with this? Did Seth MacFarlane get the rights to all Conway Twitty's music or something?

2. The drawback to CLEAN ALL THE THINGS in my house is that I don't want to write. Why does this happen? It happens when I have a shitload of things to do, that's for damn sure. Wholas, kinky krimmas, the twfemfic fest, about six original fic things to do, plus that charity book thing (NO I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN, TWITTER PEOPLE). I need something to jumpstart my ass. OH AND ALSO I HAVE THAT SEASON OF TORCHWOOD WOT I BE DOING. JESUS.

SOMEONE KICK ME IN THE ARSE.

3. My fried egg fu is sufficiently warmed up, so tonight it's stout and cheddar rarebit with fried eggs and the old stand-by, carrots and leeks. Oh carrots and leeks, why can't I quit you? I am using balsamic vinegar again instead of red wine vinegar.

4. My kid is in preschool! She started Monday, and so far so good.

5. This year she wants to be Snow White for Halloween. See Mander drive from one store to another.

6. I SEE THE 'WANT TO' IN YOUR EYES.

7. Ever look at all your junk and become filled with the urge to see how much of it you can sell? Because I think that might be my new hobby.

8. Writing a short story about a unicorn showing up on a midwest farm, and it's not going to have a happy ending. But all this urban or modern fantasy, I have no idea who takes it. My horror is not going over well with the horror markets. All my rejections are like, "This is good, but it's not us. Do you have anything more us?" It's enough to make a girl turn to poetry. Which, oh hai quiet passion.

9. I keep all my books that I'm currently reading stashed about the house in places. I have, at any given time, about 8 of them, and sometimes I substitute more when I get in a new pulp crap thing that I'll do in three days (or hours). So I finished Wharton, and picked up The Abridged Tale of Genji, like a responsible reader. Then I got waylaid by The Murder of Biggie Smalls. BUT THEN I GOT WAYLAID BY LKH'S NEW ANITA BLAKE BOOK. OH MY GOD IF MY READING HABITS WERE A NASDAQ CHART, IT WOULD LOOK LIKE BLACK MONDAY. With any luck I can skim my way through LKH and back into Biggie and then into Genji and the Burroughs I cracked the other day.

10. Okay, I just want to state for the record that I find it humourous, given the general attitude that the lyrics of Death Row records used to have re: the police, that they would only hire off-duty cops for their security. On one hand it's heartening, because it shows that it's possible to believe in the corruption of some of the police dept and still believe in their abilities or that some of them are good. On the other hand it's lol.

11. I have a mental image of Jack teaching Lois, Maggie and Robert how to lindy hop after hours in the atrium, to this song. They all have their shoes off, and they're goofing off in their stocking feet in the atrium. Gwen and Dee are in their offices pretending they don't hear. But they do. Gwen gives in, but Dee puts her head phones in and listens to Barry Manilow. BEANS AND CORNBREAD.

"Please stop licking me."

THING THE FIRST THE FIRST THING THE FIRST: Before I do anything, I have a rec: All In Good Time, this week's VS ep by the lovely bleu-bleu and kel, mistress of the night. I like the…individual of the week, and keep an eye out for Agent 888, because he is made of awesome.

I might have committed some fanfic for it. ::shifty eyes::

THING THE SECOND THE SECOND THING THE SECOND, DEAR LIZA, DEAR LIZA: I have something that's bothering me. I lie awake at night and think about it. It digs at me, like a splinter in your naughty bits.

Okay, maybe not that.

The Vidalia Chop Wizard

Let me elucidate. It's not the machine itself that bothers me. I can understand why someone might want one. It chops shit. It measures. I use a cuisinart and I enjoy the zen of hand chopping, but I can see how other might not. It's not the mechanism that bothers me. It's this, at :1, and :33, and then again at :50.

WHO IS THIS MORON CHOPPING THINGS? I get that they're trying to sell me their wares, but do they have to get the most incompetent idiot out there to pretend that their hands are painted on in order to sell it? Really?

I get it. Honestly honey, if that's the way you're going to hold the knife then you shouldn't be trusted with anything sharp anyway, but Jesus. It's a trend, the World's Most Incompetent [whatever]:

Fasta Pasta :1-:10
Pasta Pro :1-:10, 1:16,
Sonic Blade :1-:12, :32-:36, 1:18-1:19 (UNRELATED—1:45=Nannerpuss? and 1:54=WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? A KLINGON WEAPON MADE FROM FRUIT?!!?)

I stopped here, but I have seen it for things outside of the kitchen as well. Makes flappy hands OMG MY HANDS DON'T WORK.

That said, was I the only one during the Sonic Blade commercial doing every callback I knew from the dinner scene in Rocky?

I'm making lasagna today, and I am tempted to film parts of the process as if my hands are in a commercial for Sonic Pasta or something.

edit: Thanks to Sam, who has his fingers everywhere, I have watched this, over which I laughed my ass off (goodbye buns of steel!) and then felt smugly satisfied that I wasn't the only person seeing this. I AM NOT ALONE!

MBABB WC= 33962

1. God, season 4 of Angel is such a beautiful moral quagmire. On the other hand, the credits to the latest ep came on and the kidlet—

Kid: AR AR ARR!
Me: O_o? Pirates?
Kid: points to Mutant Enemy logo.
Me: Grrr arg.

2. Last night I ate about a pound of Good n Plentys, aka licorice pastilles, and now I can with a fair amount of surety say that I understand why Fred and George call them Puking Pastilles.

3. I wish we could turn more classic comic panels in to mock Jack Chick tracts.

4. ( There was cooking last Friday! )

5. The Tudors, The Tudors, The Tudors. Okay I never though I would say this, but I felt bad about Thomas Cromwell. I also felt bad for Anne Boleyn, too, so I guess that doesn't say much for me. I can tell that I'll be torrenting season 4 as it airs. DAMN YOU!

6. Dexter, book 3. ( What a fucking disappointment. )

7. The Sopranos--it's not like I haven't seen it before. But damn, I love that ending. And I'm not allowed to talk about it, because I don't want to spoil it for Little Brother.

8. Speaking of—Little Brother and I are collabing, and it's going to be AWESOME, and read by one person. LOLOR5.

1. You might be losing it if, when sprinkling bran on your kid's cereal, you begin to hum not the Mission: Impossible theme, but the Inspector Gadget theme song. And then you laugh. And then you say, "I wonder if those are on DVD." And then you say, "I wonder if those are on Netflix." And then you say, "I wonder if those are on Netflix Instant play."

And then you facepalm.

2. Kid: (babbles about Caillou, her new bf. Notes later about how kid is attracted to bald men.)
Me: That should be a band name.
Kid: Yeah.
Me: Post-industrial punk hip-hop ska.
Kid: Ohhhh, sure!

3. I have been reading. ( My book reports, by amand-r (Star Wars, Buffy and Anita Blake spoilers) )

All the serious books are in the next batch. I was distracted by fannish reading. :D

4. Kai-Lan has taught me this week that Chinese for "awesome" is ZHAN BANG. SAY IT WITH ME: ZHEN BANG!

1. ( I know how much you all like to make fun of me, so let me tell you a story called, Amand-r and the Smoke Detector That Won't Stop Fucking Beeping. )

2. (  I was in the Rite-Aid buying kitty litter the other day when I stumbled upon all the Valentine's Day stuff, and I immediately did my rendition of, 'IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME OF THE YEAR' because now is when you can get CONVERSATION HEARTS. )

3. After a few days of pretty much having a tenuous grasp on reality, I have decided that there are many forms of defined hallucinations: auditory, aural…uhm, other kinds. But they don't really have a word for the point where you think of shit and say, "Man, that's a great idea," and you write it down for later, and then when you're feeling better you go over the ramblings of your crack-addled mind and think, "What the hell was wrong with me?" I have decided to call these "conceptual hallucinations."

4. I love writing these things so much. Writing about this and the thing about the Snuggie from December makes me wish that I could make them cohesive enough to make into a book.

5. So We held gold dust in our hands was nommed in the kink category over that the forbidden awards, and I'm of two minds. One, I want to win because hey! Yay! BUT, and this is a big but because I like big buts and I cannot lie, there are at least three other stories that I think are kinkier than mine, in the good way. Trixie, Wynkat and Frostie all have stellar stories nommed in there, and I feel. Hrm.

NOM NOM NOM NOM. YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEAD EVERY TIME YOU SEE "NOMMED" YOU MAKE THAT NOISE. OMG SOMEONE CONJUGATE NOM.

1. OMG John and Paul in CSI: Sgt Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band. I wish I could explain it myself.

2. The hlh_shortcuts Highlander Holiday Fic Exchange starts posting today. I have to get off my fat arse.

3. emquilxy sent me the following link in a textless email simply entitled, ROAD TRIP!

4. [my thoughts on lj's latest thing that fandom has freaked out about here]

5. [my thoughts on liberals]

6. [my thoughts on yaoi]

7. [the change from the transaction I had last night with your mom]

8. [it was a quarter]

9. Today is Julie London day.

10. I'm too busy to talk to you people. Go on. Scram.

So, yet another story finished. I keep this up, I'll be finished with all my obligations by…next Sunday. BRILLIANT! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

( Let's do the countdown, shall we? )

I feel I have accomplished a lot today and I haven't even slept yet. Sleep gives you cancer, man, everybody knows that.