amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
kid: i had a dream last night!
me: was that before or after you woke me up and scared the shit out of me by telling me there was someone downstairs who turned out to be the cat?
kid: don't say that word.
me: right.
kid: i dreamed [something complicated and to which i am not privy before coffee. like charlie brown's teacher]
me: uh huh
kid: but we don't have a daddy because he's dead.
me: right
kid: and he's not coming back.
me: nope. but you have an awesome mommy.
kid: yeah!
me: who's your awesome mommy?
kid:....grandma!
me: (headdesk)

4/2

Apr. 2nd, 2011 10:55 am
amand_r: (obligatory serious icon)
Douchenozzle,

By the way, a list of shit you have missed that you would have loved:

The word "douchenozzle"
Every Rag since 2005
Viola had her kung fu noises
My cookie baking craze.
Sextra Credit
Every CNY
V for Vendetta.
Torchwood
Hellsing Ultimate
Bacon in everything
The 2008 election
How bad the A-Team Movie was
Charlie Sheen's complete and utter devolution.
Making inappropriate jokes about Rebecca Black
Rome
Lucy Lawless's full frontal nudity
Boondocks S2
The Transformers movies
Recent events in Egypt and the rest of the middle east
The Dark Knight
Iron Man 1 and 2
Everything Jet Li has made since 2006
The 2010 Olympics
THE SEVENTH HARRY POTTER BOOK.
WALL-E
Parkour


I can't think of any more, because I long ago stopped thinking of you when I stumble across things you like. That's your fault, you know.

You know what you aren't missing? Snookie. Trust me on this one.

Love,

Me

Me: Viola, I want you to pee before naptime.
Her: No thank you.
Me: Yeah, that wasn't really a request.
Her: No, my butt is empty.

See, asshole? You missed that. She's like a fodder machine.
amand_r: (tw/jack licks eleven)
1. So last night I'm writing a check to the cemetery to put a summer box of flowers at Tianyu's grave, and they ask for the location, and I don't know what the fuck that is. I'll have to dig it out. But I'm sitting there filling out the rest of the goddamn form, and I find myself crying and apologising to Tianyu, and I don't even know what the fuck for. For the flowers, maybe. That that's all I can give him now, maybe. That I rarely go there. I can't look at it. I don't know what to say to it. It's just kind of there. That stone isn't for me. I would have cremated him and sent his ashes to George Takei to dispose of as he saw fit. Or Christopher Lambert. NO NO. JET LI.

Dear Mister Li:

Enclosed is your future.

Sincerely,

Yul Brynner's Rotting Corpse



2. ENOUGH OF THAT BULLSHIT. DON'T ASK ME TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU, WARREN.

(NSFW)



I missed you, threebrain.

3. apparently Scott Baio just went insane, which I am surprised at, because really, Goats has been making fun of Scott for a while.

You know what I'd like to see? Certain celebs given a twitter and free time to use it and get all wrapped up in it, so that we can see the meltdowns we really deserve. Candidates are: Mel Gibson, Debbie Gibson, Naomi Campbell (we might have to supply additional phones), Kirk Cameron PLEASE GOD KIRK CAMERON. Maybe the youngest kid from Hanson.

4. How a shark gets ready.

5. Lastly, let us all take a moment to appreciate the fine lyrical genius of Salt N Pepa's 1993 masterpiece, "None Of Your Business":

I never put my nose where I'm not supposed to,
Believe me, if he's something that I want, I'm steppin' closer,
I'm not one for playing high-pole
Like the house of ditty 90210 type of ho.
I treat a man like he treats me;
The difference between a hooker and a ho ain't nothin' but a fee.


I feel as if I have been enlightened. I'd also like to mention:

So, yo, so, yo, ho - check it, double deck it on a record butt-naked, but you really have to listen to it: at 2:36

It's also worth it to note that dating the song in the text of the song does not do the song any favours, except that I think that it's charming in a way (1:20). Also, let's give the ladies props for putting a same sex couple in a video back in 1993 (3:14), nicely placed during the line about how no one has the right to judge others. I know it feels like a pittance, but one thing I always admired about SnP was that they were always open minded and fairly liberated in some ways. (Heaven and Hell passes the Bechdel test in a time when most songs were about relationships. The last track on the album is a short skit about HIV from an inner city improv group).

SO, YO, SO YO HO.

Bonus! )
amand_r: (paperclip/writing)
WHO WANTS SOME KARFLUKI?



1. Bruce Lee plays ping-pong with a nunchuck. It's Bad. Ass.

2. I haven't even finished introducing everyone yet, and my Big Bang is at 10K. Granted, about 3500 of that’s scraps of post episode one, with Jack and stuff, but. Yeah, I'm in love with my fic.

3. I keep having strange dreams. Last week, I dreamed about [livejournal.com profile] earthly_gnome at least three times (Jesus, man, learn how to make a pulled pork sandwich!). Then it was me and Jack Harkness as serial killers. But Thursday night I dreamt that I went to see my sister-in-law, [livejournal.com profile] kwanalicious where she was attending university (still! Sorry K! Maybe you were in grad school or something!), and I saw Tianyu there. He was there studying, and it was awkward, like I was all "YOU WERE DEAD" and he was all blushing, "yeah about that…" He paid a lot of lip service to getting back together, but it was clear that he had a new life there and possibly a girlfriend, and as I tried to like, be in his dorm room with him, all his friends were like, "who is this chick?" and it was clear that I was not supposed to be there. It's pretty clear how to interpret that dream (and K, sorry, but you knew and you were like, "Yeah, he asked me not to tell you."), but it bothered me all day. To the point when after dinner, when I was talking to someone and the conversation came around to Tianyu, as it sometimes does, I actually, for the first time in my life wanted to say, "Could we just not talk about Tianyu?" I mean, it wasn't their fault and I wasn't made at them for bringing him up, lord knows I do it all the time. This is the first time in which I would just rather not deign to say his name or whatever. All the real reasons I have to be mad at him in life and I get pissed to not-speaking over a fictional dream.

Of course today is his birthday, which is both strange and sad. He would have been thirty today, and I would have made many many jokes. And he would have rolled his eyes and given me the finger. And then we would have had "OMG OLD PEOPLE ARE THIRTY!SEX" because that is what we did. Seriously, I got pregnant the one month we were using as a dry run for the actual babymaking effort. We weren't going to start "trying in earnest" until April. March was just for fun. Whoops.

4. Thanks everyone for the kind words last week. I just couldn't think of things to say in response. But I saw them all, and I was touched. Touched by a ninja. No fr srs, it was nice of all of you.

5. Uhm. I made a big bang for myself because I needed a deadline, and then some crazy people(flocked b/c he's a precious snowflake, Crue is) also signed up. So if you feel like it, we're going for it. The only requirement is that at some point in time messy sandwiches must make an appearance. I don't know how that started, but there it is. I hear that [livejournal.com profile] blue_fjords is doing it for SPN, BUT I HAVE YET TO SEE A SIGN UP. COME ON, MY LOVELY. MAKE IT PAN-FANDOM. BI….FANDOM. YOU PEOPLE AND YOUR LABELS. LIKE ARMANI AND HANES.

6. Speaking of fanfic, MAN, YOU PEOPLE HAVE BEEN BUSY over at [livejournal.com profile] touchyerwood. Page six alone needs at least three handy wipes.

7. And lastly, thanks so much for everyone who voted for me over at the Children of Time Awards. I am so pleased that you liked the Het and the Three or Moresome (and to win close to Foxay! Rowr!), but that you voted for When Taken Apart when I know it's depressing as hell…I was chuffed and thanks so very very much. And congrats to everyone and their mum for winning! It's like my friendslist came all over the page! Yaaaaaaay!
amand_r: (bunny/well helloooooo loser)
1. Putting the kidlet to bed, and she starts counting people on her fingers, which is how Joan-ma did it to list all of the people who were coming to her birthday party. So it used to be: "Steve and Emily and Chuck, and Dana…" etc. Now it was the following:

Her: Unca Jer, and a-Steve, and a shark and Dana.
Me: A shark? Really?
Her: Ohhhhh yeah! (grabs her thumb) And a mama.
Me: So glad I'm included in the shark party.
Her: (so serious) With spidermancake and Santa Claus and snowmans.

I have recently discovered that all things Spiderman have now been termed "spidermancake". Good to know.

2. RECS COMING WHEN I GET OFF MY ARSE.

3. I played Rockband for the first time the other night, and it was depressing because all I could think was how much Tianyu would have loved it, and there's no one in my house to play it with. On the inverse, I drunkenly got a 99% on "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" on Hard, and I have never sung it before, so that has to mean something.

4. Okay so I had a CRAZY ASS DREAM. IT INVOLVED TORCHWOOD, JACK, SOME OTHER PEOPLE WHO I DON'T REMEMBER AND DALEKS. BASICALLY, IT WAS AN EPISODE OR SOMETHING. )

So that was it. W.T.F.

5. In honor of the awesomeness that is Jack, I present for you today: a little Ray Charles. Baby if you want to stay on my mind, now, you've got to love your daddy all the time.
amand_r: (WATCH FOR CAMELS)
Dear Viola,

This is your mother speaking. )
amand_r: (obligatory serious icon)
Okay, so.

Here's the thing: I don't fantasize. I mean, sexually. I hear lots of people do it, and I fantasize a lot, but it's never really sex. I have about five or so standbys that I use to get to sleep, to entertain myself in the car or whenever I am bored out of my skull. I spend quite a bit of time in these daydreams, but they never really ever get to the sex part. The one time I did actually finish it before I fell asleep, I laid there afterwards and was like, "What do I do now?"

I usually use characters I like. Yeah, that's right: Methos, Jack, Ianto, some others I don't want to get into. The point is, I fantasize in UST and PG-13, and sometimes it's not even sexy at all.

Whatevs. The point is, they're fictional people.

Which I why I was startled and somewhat disturbed to find that last night I fantasized about Tianyu. And not in a sexy way. In a Scrubs-esque "what would have happened if he had been there for Viv's birth" way.

I don't know if this means that I've moved him into the realm of fictional. I don't know how that makes me feel. I never imagined Tianyu in any scenario that occurred after he died because I like to think I have no ides how he'd react. To anything. Imagining it is akin to putting words in his mouth, and I could never do that. So when people say, "Tianyu would have loved this," or "Tianyu would have adored VK" I keep mum because I can't agree. I have no idea what he'd think of his daughter and he's not here to tell me.

So, yeah. I don't know what that means. I can guess, but I don't think I'd like the answer.
amand_r: (batman/check this shit yo)
Okay, so here is Tianyu: and here is our kid:



How do people not see it?
amand_r: (tw/john and the poodle)
MANY MANY THINGS BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN REMISS:

NON-FANNISH SHIT )

FANNISH SHIT )
amand_r: (obligatory serious icon)
Had a horrid moment Thursday night when, during a discussion about Y-fronts (which I am completely pro, by the way), I realised that I don't have any pictures of Tianyu in his underwear. Why didn't I take more pictures? Jesus, I should have taken pictures.

People, if you have a someone right now, this weekend, get sexy, and take pictures. In your underwear, naked, dressed, lingerie, whatever, get sexy. Photograph it and burn it to disk (and hide it, if it makes you uncomfortable), but take pictures. Photograph every shoulder, the curve of the neck, every important scar. Bend her/him over the bed and photograph the way their underwear stretches over their ass. Put your hand on it and photograph that, too.

Take pictures of the way they hang a towel about themselves when they get out of the shower, or the way they are distracted when they sit at the computer, and they slouch in their chair. Take pictures of the casual moment in which they are completely oblivious to the fact that they are sexy as fuck. Spoons in mouths, chopsticks in hair, that funny little quirk her mouth gets when she thinks you're acting lame as fuck.

You don't have to photograph the sex, if you end up having it, but photograph the tongue, and the lips and the eyebrow. Hands, oh god, you see them every day. But take a picture. Take scads.

I'm not saying this because--look, I'm saying this because you don't know, you never know. He could leave the house tomorrow and you'll never see him again. She could kiss you goodbye and just disappear. And I don't mean literally, I mean, when they're dead, snap of the fingers, it feels like a trick. For three months after Tianyu died I was almost convinced that he'd just disappeared and joined the CIA. It felt as if he had just vanished.

We don't think about these things because that's the way humans are-- and that's good, actually. You can't live your life in fear. But prepare for the possibles. Prepare for the idea that it could happen. Prepare, think of, ruminate on it, just for a second, or three, that god, you're here, and you're together, and maybe you're in love, or just love, and if it disappeared, what do you want to remember seeing? Touching?

Anyway, I don't have anything for you today, lovelies. Writing and things. Memes tomorrow or something.
amand_r: (my one highlander icon)
1. Bigger Than Cheeses has nailed Edward from Twilight for me.

2. [livejournal.com profile] curriejean, your packet went out today! That means that all is left is to get things to 2 more peeps, and a few more back in the mail, and it will be ready for me to work mah magic. I've been saving them all to work on at once. I have the blood and the blowtorches ready.

INPUT: RED FOOD COLOURING—effective blood substitute or should I use real blood? I ask this because I remember that real blood dries rusty on paper, and I don't want ineffective bright red dried blood (don't be all grossed out. I'm sure that I'll accidentally cut myself sometime in the next few weeks, I'm accident prone.). Hrm.

3. IRON MAN INSTA-REC:

For a long time, [livejournal.com profile] amonitrate has been talking about this story that she calls "the cheeseburger story", in which Tony Stark and Happy Hogan "drive around, do nothing, and get cheeseburgers". I didn't understand. I just didn't understand that this is the day he comes back from Afghanistan. The cheeseburgers? They're THOSE cheeseburgers, and they don't stop there. Happy takes Tony around through the evening, and through Happy's eyes you see Tony as a man who is slowly getting used to the idea of being free, of being Tony Stark again, of doing all the little things he obviously was deprived of for three months. Interwoven, you see glimpses of Pepper and Happy himself, their lives and how everything revolves around Tony in a way. What I appreciated is that it's a story in which nothing and EVERYTHING happens. "Slice of life"? Is that what we call that?

Anyway. read it. Cheeseburger First

4. Whinging about me, because I haven't done it in a while. Whut, like a week, LOL. )

5. Okay here's the thing: someone made a comment about how all my whinging Tianyu death blah blah posts as of late have had the comments disabled, and the thing is—I don't want you to feel like you should say something about it, so I disable. It isn't that I don't think you all have meaningful things to say, or that I think you would tell me hollow things, it's that I don't want people to think I am fishing for comments.

I damn well blah blah say what I what whenever I want wherever I want to whomever I want however I want insert the rest of the Slim Shady lyric here (something about slapping bitches, I am sure). So I'll be writing about Tianyu and my inability to move away from him, like we're clingwrapped together—oh holy shit no. Anyway, do not ever feel that you even have to acknowledge that I said anything. You can skim right the fuck over it. I just feel some sort of cold comfort knowing that someone out there might have read it besides me. I only left this open in case you had something to say about points 1-3, which are all awesome. AND ALSO THE NEXT POINT, WHICH IS ALSO AWESOME--

6. My new Janto Theme Song is Regina Spektor's Folding Chair SHIPPY BULLSHIT. Failing that, it's just such a snappy song! Silly clown!
amand_r: (obligatory serious icon)
ANYA: Are they gonna cut the body open?
WILLOW: (horrified) Oh my god! Would you just ... stop talking? Just ... shut your mouth. Please.
ANYA: What am I doing?
WILLOW: How can you act like that?
ANYA: Am I supposed to be changing my clothes a lot? (looks from Willow to Xander) Is that the helpful thing to do?
XANDER: Guys...
WILLOW: The way you behave-
ANYA: Nobody will tell me.
WILLOW: Because it's not okay for you to be asking these things!
ANYA: (desperate) But I don't understand!

Willow and Xander look at her in surprise.

ANYA: (crying) I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's, (sniffling) there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. (still teary) And, and Xander's crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why.

*

Say what you will about Warren Ellis, but he has a great moment in his Excalibur run, in which Moira is looking at photos of all the people dead or dying from the Legacy virus, over and over again, she can't help herself, 'like picking at a scab. Picking at scabs is vaguely satisfying.'

I need that as a tag.
amand_r: (obligatory serious icon)
My LJ is filled with funny, and incoherence and fic. I am good with that. But I can be a serious person.

Well, maybe not.

Oh, well, anyway, this is a serious post, and it's sad and funny and pretty much about my husband, and if you hate sap and romance and sad, then you shouldn't click. (It's long)

I don't know if you people read my user info, so I just decided to write something about Tianyu, because I am a woman in love, and in some ways that is bad. For me. He doesn't care. And I don't tell this shit to my family because…I don't know. I like to tell this shit at my own pace, and when I'm not in the mood to talk about it, then I'm not in the mood to talk about it. But I'm in the mood, so here we all are.

This is [livejournal.com profile] tianyu:



Sexy, no? A little gay. Yeah. His LJ is available, and you can read it if you want. I do. Often. I find reading the LJs of people I know to be dead a sort of cold comfort.

It goes like this DVD style— )

Comments disabled on purpose.
amand_r: (this is why we can't have nice things)
1. I'm at the point with CoE in which I have my fingers on the Band-Aid, but I don't want to pull it off. I suppose that I'll just have to wait here, fingers on the plastic, until July 6 comes and rips it off for me, and then I'll be fine.

2. Last night, I was so excited about finishing my HBB fic that I even started to mention it in my LJ entry write up. (Yeah, I start them the day before and make my way through until the morning I post. What? I cannot be funny on demand. It's a lower level but persistent thing. Like…. cooking a roast at 200 degrees for like, three days.) ANYWAY, I had this whole thing about the HBB being done and wasn't that FUCKING AWESOME and shit, and then I flipped over to finish the scene, and out of curiosity I scrolled down and saw that there's HALF OF A WHOLE SCENE THAT I FORGOT TO WRITE. I just had that shitty bracket marker that I put in to remind myself what is missing. I was so sad panda that I went to bed in a huff. There was huffiness. I think the story reproduces through masturbation.

3. Some conversations then: pirate dalek supreme, IANTO IS FILTHY, Tianyu was a shitty driver and mechanic, and CAROLYN HAS ULTIMATE SENIORITIS. )

4. I will not work on my MANDY fic. I will not work on my MANDY fic. I will not work on my MANDY fic. I will not work on my MANDY fic. I will not work on my MANDY fic. I will not work on my MANDY fic. I will not work on my MANDY fic. I will not work on my MANDY fic. I will not work on my MANDY fic. I will not work on my MANDY fic. I will not work on my MANDY fic. I will not work on my MANDY fic. I will not work on my MANDY fic. I will not work on my MANDY fic. I will not work on my MANDY fic.

You know, when you C/P something a few times, it's really hard not to just keep hitting CTRL+V.



I will not work on my MANDY fic. I will not work on my MANDY fic. I will not work on my MANDY fic. I will not work on my MANDY fic. I will not work on my MANDY fic. I will not work on my MANDY fic. I will not work on my MANDY fic. I will not work on my MANDY fic.

ETA: Okay people, DIALECT TIME. The word "close." We in Pittsburgh (or some of us) use it to describe the weather when it's warm (but not necessarily hot) and so humid that the air is kind of drenched. Choking. No breeze or wind. It's close here today. This is usually ended with rain, though sometimes it just cools down on its own. Close. Anyone else do that?
amand_r: (YOUR MOM)


Tomorrow is the start of the porn battle! THAT'S RIGHT! Are they drunk? Is there edging? ARE THERE THREE OF THEM? WRITE IT. Keep an eye out for the post at [livejournal.com profile] 51stcenturyfox's lj this weekend!

QUESTION OF STUPID: When we say edging, we don't just mean masturbatory, right? It's just teasing/ not bringing to orgasm? Like I could write a drunken edging threesome? And how much would that suck, dude? TONITE, AT TORCHWOOD: NO ONE GETS LAID. (Jack would throw a shit fit.)

Rec: I don't know if I can stress this enough-- [livejournal.com profile] curriejean is a fabulous writer. Her story, The Gold Bug is complicated and sexy and sweet and also very funny, but intensely tightly done and interesting. When Ianto is bitten by a gold bug, his skin starts to take on a sheen. And then it spreads. Can the team stop it before he is covered in gold? Will Jack be able to save him? I loved this story because Jean's writing style is indescribably awesome, Jack is caring but detached, Gwen is argumentative but not in a bad way, and Owen sings the Darkwing Duck theme song Torchwood Three style, and that works for me. It really, really does. If you haven't read it, you should. You really, really should. And I need to stop using the words "really" and "very".

STAN LEE: EXCELSIOR!

Yes, Stan, that's much better.

STAN LEE: EXCELSIOR!

Ah, yes.

THIS IS MY SECOND DAY WITH THE RESUMPTION OF DAYCARE. As we speak, I am making meth, smoking pot, entertaining three boy-whores, drinking beer, listening to Eminem and playing Grand Theft Auto 5: The Fucking Bloodbath. (Dear ATF, DEA and CYS—I AM TOTES JOKING. Except about the boy-whores.(Dear local Vice unit—I'm totally joking about the boy-whores (Dear Nightline's To Catch A Predator: when I say "boy-whore" I mean someone who is male and over the age of 18.)))

Hah. Also, I have no idea how to punctuate the above. Strangely, I care not.

blue_fjords asked me so many questions it was like its own lj entry )

Useless picspam of shit and my kid. (No really. Long and overly sentimental.) )
amand_r: (t & a)
If you knew Tianyu at all, or even just read about oUr exploits, then you will understand the SHEER SURREALISTIC SYMBOLISM (wrapped in allegory, wrapped in metaphor, wrapped in bacon) of the following: whilst on the way to the cemetery to spruce up his grave (there's a candle there! feel free to light it, just blow it out before you leave. also, I am slightly wacked. It's one of those birthday candles in the shape of a three.), as I pulled onto the road into the graveyard the radio began to play Sir Mix-a-lot's 'Baby Got Back'.

I laughed hysterically and am afraid that I might have scared a few funeral goers. Sorry, dudes!
amand_r: (Default)
I was going to write something about Tianyu, since ths is the anniversary of, well, you know. But I find that I have nothing to say about it that hasn't been said, so instead, you can all see how I have been amusing myself as of late.

I think I need a Moonlight mini-marathon.


Let's do peyote again. )

Sexy pinup model Arsenic. )

The Kangaroo Riots )

Even Ralph Waldo Emerson knows what TOTES means. )

This dumpster is an extension of Captain Jack's peen. )

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