amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
Me: So, are you going to write a letter to Santa?
Viv: Yeah!
Me: What are you going to ask him for? (As Amand-r has no idea what to get Viv for Crimmas)
Viv: A Leapster, ballet shoes, and Piglet.
(This is a problem, as she was getting the Leapster2 for her birthday, and Mum has already got her the ballet shoes and piglet doll)
Me: What else would you like to ask for?
Viv: Hmmmm, nothing.
Me: You don't want anything else?
Viv: Mmmm, no thank you.
Me: ♥ ♥ But what if Santa calls me and says, ″Viola's been so good this year, I want to get her something else"? What else might you want?
Viv: (long-suffering sigh) Let me think about it.


″Do You Hear What I Hear?″ comes on the radio.
Viv: This isn't a Christmas song!
Me: Yes it is.
Viv: It has to say, ″Santa″.
Me: Not all Christmas songs are about Santa. Some of them are about the baby Jesus, because Christmas is his birthday.
Viv: Oh.
Me: So you have Santa songs, and baby Jesus songs.
″Let It Snow″ comes on.
Viv: Is this about baby Jesus or Santa?
Me: Uh. Santa.
″Jingle Bells″ comes on.
Viv: Is this about Santa? Or baby Jesus?
Me: I have discovered a loophole in my theory.
Viv: What?
Me: Santa.


″Carol of the Bells″ comes on.
Viv: DING FRIES ARE DONE! DING FRIES ARE DONE!
Me: I love you.
Viv: WOULD YOU LIKE AN APPLE PIE WITH THAT?


Viv: I'll give you a John Reindeer sticker.
Me: What?
Viv: (slaps a tractor sticker on my arm) Here.
Me: That's John Deere.


Viv: Holy whack-a-moley!
Me: I think they're saying, ″Holy Guacamole″.
Viv: No they're not.
Me: Okay.
amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
Me: (as we are discussing the Mayflower) Do you know why the Pilgrims left their home and came here?
Viv: No.
Me: (sifting through all the complicated answers and finding one she'll get) Because the people at their old home didn't like them. So they decided to go somewhere else.
Viv: Oh!
Me: Yeah, and then they came here. And...(trying to find a good answer that doesn't involve either Indian/Pilgrim love or smallpox and oppression) They got here and had a hard time, but when things got better they sat down and had a big feast to celebrate what they were thankful for.
Viv: O_o.
Me: I know. It's like, when you're thankful for something, that means you are glad that you have it. Like I am thankful for you.
Viv: Oh! Yeah!
Me: Is there anything you're thankful for?
Viv: Oranges.
Me: ...you mean like the oranges we have at home? To eat?
Viv: Yup.
Me: Is there anything else you're thankful for?
Viv: ...the color orange.
Me: ...okay. Well, I'm thankful for YOU. Is there ANYTHING else you're thankful for?
Viv: ...hm. Rainbows.
Me: Rainbows.
Viv: Yeah!
amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
Viv: I want to be a mailman!
Me: Really?
Viv: Yeah! A MAILMAN!
Me: Well, I am sure that's a fun job.
Viv: I will deliver all the mail!
Me: Well, I hate to break it to you honey, but by the time you're old enough to be a mailman, that job might not be available anymore. Not like it is now.
Viv: Whaaaaaa?
Me: Well, see since the start of email, people just don't send as much mail, and the post office has been having money problems, and so they have to downsize and make themselves smaller so that they can stay in business.
Viv: ...
Me: I imagine that they won't ever truly disappear. Maybe they'll privatise, or something.
Viv: (holds up envelopes) I was just going to play mailman on my bike when we get home.
Me: Oh.
Viv: The valentines are for the kids, and the bills are for the people.
Me: Oh, so grown ups don't get valentines?
Viv: They're fun.
Me: I see. Well, why don't the kids get the bills?
Viv: Because they have scary things in them.
Me: This is hard to deny.
amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
Vstroyer:Lemme see your cut again.
Me: (shows her my surgery scar on the back of my neck) Looks like a zipper, doesn't it?
Vstroyer:Yeah!
Me: That's where I unzip my skin so I can take it off and send it to the dry cleaners.
Vstroyer: What?
Me:I unzip my skin and send it out to be cleaned.
Vstroyer: ...That's very nice!


Me: You're my favorite girl.
Vstroyer: Me too.
Me: You're your favorite girl?
Vstroyer: Yeah.
Me: Oh
Vstroyer:And you too.
Me: Magnanimous of you.
Vstroyer: Yeah.

It begins.

Aug. 20th, 2011 10:22 am
amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
Her: Last night I dreamed, no no, I WISHED, for a pink horsey. And I could RIDE it.
Me: I couldn't be prouder if you'd got your period or passed all your OWLS.
Her: So yeah, we could get one.
Me:...they don't make pink horses.


ALSO:

Her: (looking at the new parking lot) They built a road!
Me: Well, now that the strip mall is done, they need somewhere for people to park their cars.
Her:How did they do that?
Me: Well, they know how. you could learn how to build roads and parking lots, too.
Her:Oh yeah!
Me: Yeah, when you get older if you want to, you could be a construction worker like Bob the Builder.
Her: Hrm, okay. But I don't like the hats.
Me: Well, it's important to wear the hat so you're safe.
Her:No. I'll just wear bunny ears.

ALSO

Mum: So we met [some old friends from our church] at the grocery store, and they were admiring Viola, and I said something about how she looks like Tianyu, and Viola blurted out, "Mama put Daddy's body in the woods!"
Me: That's my girl.
amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
Me: (as we drive past the overflowing funeral home) Wow, that's a big viewing. They must have been very well loved.
Viv: Is it a party?
Me: A little bit. Someone has died, and people are coming to say good bye.
Viv: Oh. Like at my birthday.
Me: Uhm, not precisely. A funeral is sad sometimes, because someone has died.
Viv: Like daddy.
Me: Yes, like daddy.
Viv: Remember on the bus, when you showed me where daddy was? (last week on the bus when we passed the cemetery, I told her that was where we put Tianyu)
Me: Yes, right.
Viv: Does he live there?
Me: Not precisely. When someone dies, their body stops moving, and we bury it.
Viv: Oh. (long pause) And then they wake up.
Me: No sweetie. The body stops working, and they kind of become a ghost.
Viv: And then they wake up.
Me: DARMOK AND JILAD AT TENAGRA.
Viv: You're silly.
amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
Scene: fair Verona amand-r's room, 3:36 am

Me: (snore)
Viv: (entering) mumble mumble mumble
Me: snggegeeegerrgrrg--what?
Her: mumble mumble mumble bees.
Me: (sits bolt upright) THERE ARE NO BEES. (flops over. back to sleep.) Snggegeeegerrgrr....
Her: Okay...(shuffles back to bed)
Me: (snore)

Hi!

Jul. 21st, 2011 11:48 am
amand_r: (HP/oppression!)
Me: (talking as I type) "That makes it more Hipster!"
Viola: No it doesn't make it more hipster!
Me: Do you know what hipsters are?
Viola: I don't know.
Me: Do you like hipsters?
Viola: I don't know what hipsters is.
Me: That's for the best
Viola: You could tell me.
Me: I don't think I could explain hipsters.
Viola: Yes you do. You could explain it to me. You always explain it to me.
Me: Uhm, hipsters are young people who wear skinny jeans and scarves and ugly sunglasses.
Viola: Oh. Haaahahahaha. No, I don't like that.
Me: Well said.
Viola: I'm going to sing the pie song now.

SERIOUS.

Jul. 19th, 2011 07:17 pm
amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
C, Viola's BFF has been in a bad mood all day. They're outside riding bikes, and then I look up and see her mom coming up the walk with one of Viola's bikes.

I live in fear that someday I will be told, "Viola is a horrible kid and I don't want C playing with her anymore." But instead, apparently, C has apparently crossed that last line and talked back to her mum. I hear her inside her house having the mother of all temper tantrums. Her mum rolls her eyes and we commiserate on the tribulations of strong-willed children. Then she goes back to her house and we hear Hurricane C unleashing the banshee wails of madness.

Viola: Woah, that is some serious crying.
Me: (pause and then MONSTER HUG OF ADORABLENESS)
Viola: Yeah, SERIOUS crying.
Me: You know what I would do if you had a temper tantrum like that?
Viola: Paddle the backside?
Me: Bingo. It's called, 'giving you something to cry about'.
Viola: No thank you.
Me: You're adorable.
Viola: Yeah, a little bit.
amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
[livejournal.com profile] idyll: What's the weather?
VSTROYER: (screaming) How's the weather out there!

[livejournal.com profile] paragraphs: If you could go anywhere, where would you want to go and how would you get there? Would you let your Mom go with you?
VSTROYER: To the zoo. It's all the way far away, but it's a little bit far away. But we didn't see any parking so we could go to the zoo. But we could park somewhere, so we could go to the zoo. We could get there early.
Me: Will you let me go with you?
VSTROYER: Yes! It's going to be fun at the zoo, is it?
Me: What are we going to do at the zoo?
VSTROYER: Animals and I don't know, kinda chicken bu--. OOOPS I ALMOST SAID CHICKEN BUTT.

[livejournal.com profile] arsenicjade: What should I eat for dinner?
VSTROYER: Maybe pasta. Maybe chicken. Rice, maybe. Carrots, maybe. Carrots are good. Carrots you can make. Dumplings. Dumplings look good to me. And meatballs. All the time.

[livejournal.com profile] tripperfunster: What is the meaning of life?
VSTROYER: I don't know what that called is.

[livejournal.com profile] tripperfunster: How much money will I need for retirement?
VSTROYER: What's retirement?
VSTROYER: It's when you stop working when you're older and take a big old vacation.
VSTROYER: Hrm. Maybe twenty.
Me: Just twenty? Twenty what? Bears? Shells?
VSTROYER: Yeah, shells.
Me: Shells? Really?
VSTROYER: Yeah, from the beach.

[livejournal.com profile] black_rider: Why are we here and not there?
VSTROYER: Because we have to stay at our house.
Me: Oh. Okay.
VSTROYER: I had to think about it.
Me: That's a pretty good answer. Anything to add?
VSTROYER: Food.

Me: Is there anything you want to say?
VSTROYER: I don't know.
Me: There's no wrong answer.
VSTROYER: Oh.
Me: So that’s it?
VSTROYER: Think.
Me: That's what you want to say? Think?
VSTROYER: Yeah.

So there you have it, people. THINK.
amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
Me: So, what are you going to name that dragon?
Her: How to train your dragon.
Me: Like two words? First name "Howtotrainyour" last name "Dragon"?
Her:No, like one word.
Me: His name is Howtotrainyourdragon the dragon?
Her: No, I think two words.
Me: Solid choice.
Her: Yeah.

If you want, you can meme my kid. Ask her any question you like, and I'll relay the message.

Oh, Viola.

Jul. 2nd, 2011 05:46 pm
amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
her: I want a drink.
me: When we get home we’ll have some lemonade.
her: Yeah!
me: And we’ll chillax for a while.
her: Yeah.
me: Do something low key and relaxing.
her: I know! We can do math!


Tianyu used to say "Math is a special kind of love God gives to Asian children," which is funny because he was an atheist.

me: (discussing the kinds of fireworks we should buy) Should we get snakes?
her: YEAH!
me: How about sparklers?
her: Sure!
me: And snaps?
her: What are snaps?
me: Little paper balls you throw on the ground and they go, "OH SNAP."
her: Yeah that's awesome.
me: Should we get worms?
her: Nooooooo.
me: Should we get a buttfor?
her: No.
me: You're supposed to ask me, "what's a buttfor?" and then I'm supposed to say, "for pooping!"
her: I don't want to do that.
me: Fair enough.
amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
me: (sings the waffle song)
her: I like waffles
me: Yeah?
her: I like all kinds of foods!
me: Do you like worms?
her: Ewwwwww.
me: I bet you’d eat worms.
her: No.
me: I bet you’d eat gummi worms.
her: We should get some.
me: I dunno. They’re bad for your teeth. Then they’d fall out, and when I took you to the dentist he’d say, "where are all her teeth?" and I’d say, "I am sorry. There were gummi worms." and he’d say, "why did you let her eat those?" and I’d say, "obviously, you have never been a parent."
her: I’m coloring.


me: (sings the waffle song)
her: I said I like waffles.
me: Sorry, I have a song stuck in my head and I can’t get it out.
her: I’ll get it out for you.
me: Yeah? How would you do that?
her: I’ll get a knife.
amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
kid: i had a dream last night!
me: was that before or after you woke me up and scared the shit out of me by telling me there was someone downstairs who turned out to be the cat?
kid: don't say that word.
me: right.
kid: i dreamed [something complicated and to which i am not privy before coffee. like charlie brown's teacher]
me: uh huh
kid: but we don't have a daddy because he's dead.
me: right
kid: and he's not coming back.
me: nope. but you have an awesome mommy.
kid: yeah!
me: who's your awesome mommy?
kid:....grandma!
me: (headdesk)
amand_r: (the asian persuasion)
Hello all, it's been a while, so I shall UPDATE BY NUMBERS.

1. Cookies have been awesome. I am taking a break. I have many new things that I want to try, but they aren't going to ship well in this heat. That said, if you ever want some cookies, feel free to drop me a line. I am now making shit on demand. Except the chocolate caramel shortbread. They are a pain in the ass.

2. Kidlet is done with preschool! Well, for this year at least. I have embarrassing video, but I am too lazy to upload it.

3. My computer died recently! It was horrible. I was trying to log on, and it kept telling me my user profile couldn't load properly. After shedding bitter tears, I managed to save all my files from safe mode onto an external drive, and then I had to reinstall the OS from factory settings. Strange how everything runs now. On the other hand, there's something cleansing about getting a fresh start.

4. I have been reading a great deal. You can find my reading on Goodreads. Right now I'm reading about the monster of Florence.

5. I MADE PASTA FROM SCRATCH. IT WAS AWESOME.

6. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS AWESOME? HOT DOGS.

7. Here is the story of how I am bitter:

One day I started watching Wire in the Blood. I watched 2 eps and then forgot. Then a month later I was all, “I should check out Wire in the Blood”, and lo, I already had. I resumed my watching. BY THE WAY the special with Tony in Texas was the best thing ever. I lolled so hard. Anyway, I got to the end of season 6 when [spoiler] and it ends with [spoiler] and Then I click ed the “Next” button on the Netflix streaming screen.

Nothing happened. I looked and saw they only had up to season six. Never mind, I will download the torrent somewhere.

That's right, in my head I had convinced myself that there are 8 seasons.

Oh wait, no, that's Waking the Dead.

It became increasingly difficult to locate the season seven torrent No one had it. I was going to do a shot out to my flist. Then I decided to see when it was released. So I checked wikipedia.

Boy, am I bitter. WHAT A FUCKING WAY TO END. NOT TWIN PEAKS EPIC, BUT JESUS.

8. I read the new Sookie Stackhouse. Yeah.

9. I had so many things to say! I have no idea where they went.

10. Lastly, I have a novella/thing coming out in October, and the publisher, Candlemark and Gleam was nice enough to send me promo postcard things to distribute. I was thinking of handwriting some short short stories and offering to send them to people for postage. Would anyone be interested? Want one? I guess if you sent me five bucks, I could send you the card and a half a dozen cookies. Or something.

Postage has gone up package wise, by the way. That's how they get ya.

Off to read more about excising vaginas.

...

Mar. 24th, 2011 09:23 pm
amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
Her: I want to sit in your lap like a baby.
Me: How does a baby sit?
Her: (curls up in a ball) Like this.
(A conversation about what babies do ensues.)
Me: When you were a baby, I would rock you right in this chair here and sing you songs.
Her: Yeah, and when I'm the mama and you're the baby.
Me: When what? When I'm the baby and you're the mama what will you do?
Her: I'll rock you and sing you songs. when I'm a mama.
Me: You want to be a mama someday?
Her: Yeah!
Me: Do you want to have a little girl or a little boy?
Her: A little girl.
Me: Oh yeah?
Her: Yeah. Or maybe Sora
Me: You want to have Sora when you're a mama?
Her: Yeah. Maybe for Halloween. We can dress up.
Me: O_o.
amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
1.



Yeah.

2. My kid has dual ear infections. I like to think of this like deulling banjos. But with ear infections. And less ass pain and more ear pain.

ALSO: My kid has asthma. OTOH, her nebuliser is this cute little yellow thing with "Huffinpuff the Asthma Dragon" on it. When I saw it, I thought it said "Hufflepuff" because it's yellow/gold, and I wanted to ask them for a Ravenclaw one, but then I squashed my inner-nerd and reread it.

Every four hours. EVERY FOUR HOURS. AND PREDNISONE. AND OMNICEF.

I TOLD KID THAT SHE WAS DEFECTIVE AND THAT MAYBE I SHOULD RETURN HER, BUT THEN I REALISED THAT I'D BE RETURNING HER TO MY UTERUS, AND I THINK UNBIRTHING IS SQUICKY.

The mask is shaped like a fish face.

I SHALL CALL HER DARTH VIVI.

3. Watched Sherlock in its entirety (all three eps, I know, the strain). Don't get excited kiddies. It was okay, but yeah. That's about it. I think Moriarty is dumb, but I liked the "consulting criminal" excuse. Finally, something other than, "I'm baaaaaad!"

4. Made gluten free cookies, more than I thought I would. Fun fun fun. They're going on sale tomorrow. And good thing too, because I cannot keep myself from eating the peanut butter ones.

But I found a recipe for complicated cookies that you dip in powdered jello (they look like peaches!), and also I found a recipe that IMITATES OREO COOKIES. DON'T TELL ME THAT WON'T BE AWESOME. I also want to make balls of cake dipped in chocolate. SO MUCH TO TRY TO BAKE, SO LITTLE TIME.

5. Forward, backward, inward, outward, come and join the chase! Nothing could be drier Than a jolly caucus race! Backward, forward, outward, inward, bottom to the top! Never a beginning; there can never be a stop. To skipping, hopping, tripping fancy free and gay, started it tomorrow, but will finish yesterday!

6. Also, was thinking of what awesome poetry Supremes lyrics would make. In the style of cummings:

Baby.
baby.

baby don't leave me
please don't leave me

all by

my
self

i've got this yearning (burning) yearning

feelin' inside (me)
deep inside( me)

& it hurts so bad



See? Tomorrow I shall sing you "All Along the Watchtower" in the style of Ethel Merman.
amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
(Lying in bed before it's time to get up.)
Viv: We're best friends forever.
Me: (melty)
Her: I love you.
Me: (melty)

Later...
Viv: (to baby doll) We're best friends forever.
Me: O_o?!!?
Her: (to doll) I love you.
Me: (puts salt on her cereal)

AND:

(falls off rocking horse and lands on her crotch. I dunno. I wasn't there.)
Her: It hurts.
Me: I am sorry. Do you need a hug?
Her: (grabbing between legs) Kiss it better?
Me: Uh, no. (kisses hand and smacks her bum) Yeah, that's...that'll work.
Her: YAY!

LAWL

Feb. 13th, 2011 11:28 am
amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
ME: Okay, count the pairs.
HER: Eight.
ME: And how many do I have?
HER: Eight.
ME: What do we call it when both of us have the same number of pairs?
HER: A bowtie.
ME: Close enough.

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