i shall sit here in a corner and cry hey-ho for a bagel.

[amand_r]

1. I know how much you all like to make fun of me, so let me tell you a story called, "Amand-r and the Smoke Detector That Won't Stop Fucking Beeping."

That's pretty much the story. Like if I had told that story in twitter, it'd be under 140 characters. Like, is there a genre for when the title pretty much tells the whole story? That thing. No, see the funny comes from the fact that I have about a bullion smoke detectors in my home, something about when you rent they have to abide by the law, whereas people who own their own homes treat the law more like guidelines. Piratey. You know. So I have like, okay, maybe eight of them.

The problem stems from the fact that ONE of them will not stop beeping and I cannot tell by listening which one it is. I thought I had narrowed it down today and changed the battery, only five minutes later:

BEEP.

SONOFABITCH.

So it's no surprise to any of you that I fail at all things logical and math oriented. I keep thinking to myself, "There has to be a systematic way to tell which one it is, sans standing under it until it beeps. What if it never beeps? I'll be there all day." I'm like, "Well, you can remove the batteries from them one at a time and then wait to hear a noise," and I'm not even sure that would work because of the whole "randomly beeping nature" of the alarm. I don't even KNOW why I put that in quotes.

Like really, I thought to myself, "Self, here's what you should do. Open Excel, make a spreadsheet with all the possible combinations of batteries in-batteries out."

Me: Self, I don't know how to make an excel spreadsheet.
Self: Sure you do. Open it and—oh wait, this is the program with the formulas and boxes, right?
Me: Yup.
Self: Abort! Abort! Wait, what's that thing here the sideways EZ thing?
Mystery Smoke Detector: BEEP.
Me: I dunno. Epsilon? I dunno, man.
Self: Man, we're stupid.
Me: We should just change ALL the batteries.
Self: Hrm, needlessly expensive, requires a trip out in the car...I like it! This is the kind of plan that says, "Amand-r is a dumbass! Cut the baby in half!"
Me: well, I do have a reputation for jackassery to uphold.
Mystery Smoke Detector: Come and get me if you can!
Self: (pointing in the general direction of all the smoke detectors, so basically waving my hand around like a crazy person) QUIET YOU. YOUR DAY WILL COME.

2. I was in the Rite-Aid buying kitty litter the other day when I stumbled upon all the Valentine's Day stuff, and I immediately did my rendition of, "IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME OF THE YEAR" because now is when you can get CONVERSATION HEARTS. Not the new ass ones with the fruit flavors and shit, but the OLD SCHOOL, DUSTY, HARD AS SHIT ONES THAT TASTE LIKE PEPTO AND NECCO WAFERS. YEAH BABY.

SO ANYWAY, ASIDE FROM THE COLOSSIAL DISAPPOINTMENT OF DISCOVERING THAT THEY WERE FRUIT-FLAVOURED (I ATE THEM ALL ANYWAY AND WEPT BITTER TEARS), I was thinking that in December I did a similar song and dance re: egg nog. This made me stop to consider if I could possibly parcel out my whole year as "MOST WONDERFUL TIMES OF THE YEAR" ACCORDING TO SEASONAL FOODS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE GOOD FOR ME. THIS SOUNDS LIKE A CHALLENGE.

January-February CONVERSATION HEARTS
February-March SHAMROCK SHAKES
March-April MARSHMALLOW PEEPS/CADBURY EGGS
…..
June-August RIB FESTIVALS. POSSIBLY FUNNELCAKE SEASON. STREET FOOD. ANY KIND OF SUMMER STREET FOOD.
July-August WATERMELON
September-October HALLOWEEN CANDY. I know you're saying that this is available year round, but no no no, that's REGULAR CANDY. HALLOWEEN CANDY HAS PICTURES OF SPOOKY CATS AND PUMPINS ON THE WRAPPERS. JESUS.
…
December EGG NOG.AND CANDY CANES

So I told this whole thing to mom, who sounded a little enthused about my discovery, and who pointed out funnel cakes, but she also suggested that Reese's makes a peanut butter cup thing shaped like various seasonal objects for like, every holiday now. I remember when they just sold the eggs at Easter, and that was it, and that's the key here: now that I can get them year round, they are no longer something I really care for. IN ORDER FOR SOMETHING TO MAKE IT THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR, IT HAS TO BE SEASONAL, SO THAT WHEN THEY ARE RELEASED YOU GO, "OH MY GOD YES IT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR AGAIN" AND GORGE YOURSELF ON THEM LIKE YOU'RE AFRAID YOU WON'T GET ANY BEFORE THEY GO AWAY.

INCIDENTALLY I AM REMINDED THAT MY CAT THREW UP IN THE CAT FOOD BOWL TODAY, AND I WONDER IF HE JUST WAS IN SUCH A HURRY TO EAT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE THAT HE GORGED HIMSELF, GOT SICK WILE STILL EATING, AND BOOTED RIGHT WHERE HE WAS.

ANYWAY, MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR. THERE HAS TO BE A SHANGRI-LA OR BRIGADOON JOKE IN HERE SOMEWHERE. I JUST MADE A JOKE ABOUT ROBBIE BURNS DAY AND HAGGIS.

3. After a few days of pretty much having a tenuous grasp on reality, I have decided that there are many forms of defined hallucinations: auditory, aural…uhm, other kinds. But they don't really have a word for the point where you think of shit and say, "Man, that's a great idea," and you write it down for later, and then when you're feeling better you go over the ramblings of your crack-addled mind and think, "What the hell was wrong with me?" I have decided to call these "conceptual hallucinations."

4. I love writing these things so much. Writing about this and the thing about the Snuggie from December makes me wish that I could make them cohesive enough to make into a book.

5. So We held gold dust in our hands was nommed in the kink category over that the forbidden awards, and I'm of two minds. One, I want to win because hey! Yay! BUT, and this is a big but because I like big buts and I cannot lie, there are at least three other stories that I think are kinkier than mine, in the good way. Trixie, Wynkat and Frostie all have stellar stories nommed in there, and I feel. Hrm.

NOM NOM NOM NOM. YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEAD EVERY TIME YOU SEE "NOMMED" YOU MAKE THAT NOISE. OMG SOMEONE CONJUGATE NOM.

Comments

[pocky_slash.livejournal.com]

I AM GLAD I HAVE MET THE ONE OTHER PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO LIKES CONVERSATION HEARTS.

(Well, all my old Rent crew liked them too, but We Do Not Speak of Them Any Longer.)

When I worked at Michael's I used to buy tons of those suckers right after Valentine's Day when they went on super-mega-no-one-else-in-the-world-wants-this-shit sale!

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

OMG IS THAT WHERE I'LL FIND THE MOTHER LOAD? I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.

[sinanju.livejournal.com]

Hey--what am I? Chopped liver? I'm a Conversation Hearts fan too. Or was, before they changed the recipe. I WANT MY OLD-FASHIONED CHALKY CONVERSATION HEARTS BACK, YOU BASTARDS!

I wrote them to complain and got a nice email telling me how wonderful the new Conversation Hearts are. I hate them.

If they mess with my Necco Wafers, there will be blood.

[jacquez.livejournal.com]

speaking of, I noticed in the past few years that you appear to be able to get cadbury creme eggs like, all the fucking time now. wtf is up with that?

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I LIKE TO PRETEND THAT SUCH THINGS AREN'T TRUE. SHHHHHH.

[blue-fjords.livejournal.com]

September-October HALLOWEEN CANDY. I know you're saying that this is available year round, but no no no, that's REGULAR CANDY. HALLOWEEN CANDY HAS PICTURES OF SPOOKY CATS AND PUMPINS ON THE WRAPPERS.

This. Exactly. :)

And I love candy hearts! Though now they have new-fangled things on them, like "email me" or "i tweet you" or shit like that. I just want a good old-fashioned "let's get drunk & screw."

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I think I'm most amused by "Fax Me". Because that's how people communicated their wishes to date, like, ever.

Lisa: Oh look! A fax from Ianto up in HR! He wants to go on a date!
Friend: Are you going to go?
Lisa: I think I shall say yes. Let me RETURN HIS FAX.

Seriously, ETF.

[sthayashi.livejournal.com]

Dunno if you can find Tianyu's old voltmeter (did he actually have one? I know that John and I both got one pretty early on, and I'd be a little surprised if Tianyu didn't have one), but if you can, you can measure the voltage of each battery, find the lowest one, and replace that.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

SHIT. YOU ARE BRILLIANT.

I'D HAVE TO MAKE A CHART. GORRAMMIT.

[vae]

I nom, you nom, he or she noms, they nom, it noms.

I have nommed.

They will nom.

(I never did grammar at school does it show terribly?)

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

HAAAHAHAHA I KNEW SOMEONE WOULD DO IT. HOW LOLARIOUS IS THAT?

THIS IS BETTER THAN WHEN I CONVINCED MY KIDS THAT "FABULOUS" IN GERMAN WAS "FABELHOFF".

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

I am here for all your grammatical needs.

The verb nom comes from the Latin nomeo, nomere, nommi, nomitus. It is second conjugation. Note the irregular perfect stem. In the Latin it congugates thus in the present:

nomeo
nomes
nomet
nomemus
nometis
noment

It also has an irregular present imperative: NOM.

Obviously, therefore, in English it conjugates like this:

I nom
You nom
He/she/it noms
We nom
You (pl) nom
They nom.

I will nom (etc)

I was nomming (etc)

I nommed (etc)

I will have nommed (etc)

I had nommed (etc)

The present participle is "nomming" and the perfect participle is "nommed".

Adjectivally, nommable indicates something which is worthy or suitable for nomming.

(IT DOES NOT REALLY COME FROM LATIN; WE MADE THIS UP.)

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

HOLY SHIT. YOU'RE LIKE THAT DUD WHO TRANSLATED HARRY POTTER INTO LATIN AND HAD TO MAKE UP ALL KINDS OF LATIN WORDS LIKE, CAR AND MUSTACHE.

[valancy-joy.livejournal.com]

PUMPKIN PIE BLIZZARDS AT DQ. SEASONAL AND NUMMY. ALSO 800 CALORIES, THE BASTARDS.

:d

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

This is the part where I confess that I hate pumpkin. :(

[51stcenturyfox.livejournal.com]

I like pumpkin pie way more than any candies in the fall!

AND PEEPS. I love them.

I see we have competing stories in the Children of Time Awards. Yours is better. HAHA.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

We do? Oh whatevs. what? You'll win. Is it for threesomes?

Gold dust is too long, honestly.

[ladykorana.livejournal.com]

OMG, SHAMROCK SHAKES!!

Oh, the endless, endless love I have for those shakes. I may have been known to drive to several different McDonalds around the end of Easter season until I can find one that still has some Shamrock shake mix left...

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

OMG I did that with eggnog lattes, I'd go from Starbucks to Starbucks looking for them, and THIS ONE BARNES AND NOBLE Starbucks took them off their menu, but the continued to serve me eggnog lattes until the end of January. I imagine I was using their supply of eggnog up. I can't imagine how past its expiration date it was.

Arby's says that it's offering a chocolate mint shake, but I am sceptical. If I wanted chocolate in my shit mint goodness, I'd go to Steak N Shake.

[easilymused1956.livejournal.com]

Dreyers eggnog ice cream. Which WM ran out of BEFORE Christmas, the bastards.

Congrats on the nom.

Just change all the damn batteries and be done with it. Lalala

Renee

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I would change all the batteries but they are so expensive! Bah, I'm going to the store later!

OMG Edys makes an eggnog ice cresam that is to die for.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

I saw those the other day and smiled (Conversation Hearts). Always have to have at least one box. :)

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

YES! YOU SHOULD PAINT ALTERNATE MESSAGES ON THEM IN EDIBLE PAINT AND SEND NICK A BOX--U MAKE ME VOMIT, I PUKE 4 U, ETC.

[darthhellokitty.livejournal.com]

When you can get things any time, they are NO LONGER SPECIAL. I hate that.

We call the smoke alarm the "cooking alarm". I think this tells you something about how easily distracted we are.

"FUCK THE ALARM IS GOING OFF!!!"
"OH SHIT I WAS COOKING EGGS AND THEN I WAS JUST GOING TO LOOK AT THIS FIC FOR A MINUTE!!!"

I have conceptual hallucinations ALL THE TIME. I'm so glad I have a name for them now.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

HAAAHAHAH I KNOW. I think when I was a kid I would have loved that whole "things available year round" thing. Like when I moved to FL, Tianyu was all, "OMG IT'LL BE SUMMER ALL THE TIME. I LOVE THAT. and then by the end we was all, "I WANT TO GO BACK WHERE THERE ARE SEASONS."

I AM NOT ALLOWED TO WALK AWAY FROM THE STOVE.

HAAAHAHAH CONCEPTUAL HALLUCINATIONS. YOU ARE WELCOME. THE IDEA IN ITSELF WAS A CONCEPTUAL HALLUCINATION, SO I THINK I HAVE PROVED MY POINT.

[phaetonschariot.livejournal.com]

CONVERSATION HEARTS RULE.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

LOL FAX ME.

[lefaym.livejournal.com]

I kind of suspect that the smoke alarms in my place don't actually work, because the house filled up with smoke while I was cooking last month and NOTHING HAPPENED. I really should inform the real estate agent of this, because we have laws and shit too, but I CAN'T BE ARSED.

I'm really surprised that the forbidden awards don't have a poly category.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah they come an check them, but I suspect that's a spring thing.

IKN? Like, not that poly is FORBIDDEN or anything, but...i dunno, are there enough poly fics out there to qualify for a category?

[huesiemama.livejournal.com]

Sorry, but I had to LOLR5 about the smoke alarms. Our old one was hypersensitive. It would go off when the kitchen was warm but smoke-free from cooking. I have to agree though, buy a big-ass package of 9volts and change all those bitches.

I too love the seasonal things, like shamrock shakes, PEEPS!(Hubby got me a Peep maker for some gift-giving occasion or another. They were not the same.), pumpkin pie, hot dog/brat fundraising stands, funnel cakes. I have one funnel cake each yar at our town's cow chip throwing festival.

I love coming to lj every day to see what is new, be it conceptual hallucinations, fic, what have you.

Congrats on the nom, good luck!!

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

When I live in florida we had vaulted ceilings that were like, seventeen feet tall. Maybe 20. and there was a smoke alarm on one of them, and when we cooked it would go off, and we couldn't disable it because we couldn't reach it. so we'd stand on a chair and wave HUGE BOARDS OF WIPE BOARD at it to make the "smoke" clear and turn the alarm off. Then the batteries went and it took out landlord like 2 weeks to come and change them.

I love writing every day! I makes me feel useful!

[snufflesdbear.livejournal.com]

umm... actually, if you are a renter, the rental company should replace them for you - no matter what time of year.

I have a woodburning furnace, and my alarm never goes off, even when I smoke up the house. The fireMen gave me them! *shakes stubby paw BARROWMAN*

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

OMG THE FIREMEN SMOKE DETECTORS ARE A TRAP.

I have been thinking of calling the rental agency anyway, because my porch light went out, and it has a special bulb. I tried to replace it with a regular bulb for the time being and IT WAS CO COLD IT REFUSED TO WORK.

[kel-reiley.livejournal.com]

4. i bet you could

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I WOULD HAVE TO MAKE AN EFFORT.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I once called my landlord at four-thirty in the morning because I couldn't find the smoke detector.

But my suggestion for you is: take the batteries out of all of them, and change them all. :D

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

LE SIGH, SAMUEL. LE SIGH. SO. MANY. BATTERIES.

[mrsalemp.livejournal.com]

I thought I had a battery beep from a smoke detector for days. FOR DAYS.
I told people on the phone, in messenger, AND STRANGERS IN THE STREET -
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP THE BEEPING!!

What did I learn after days of searching? New house doesn't have a single smoke detector and the heater in the kitchen makes that beep every FREAKING time it clicks on.

There - feel more safe and less stupid than I.
It's no eggnog latte, but it's my gift to you.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

OMG THAT WOULD BE THE MOST ANNOYING THING IN THE WORLD.

[kwanalicious.livejournal.com]

Fruit flavored? What is this shit?

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

OMG I JUST BOUGHT THE NEW ONES FROM BRACH IN A BAG AND THEY ARE NOT FRUIT FLAVOURED BUT THEY TASTE LIKE SHIT.

[annemjw.livejournal.com]

I SUCK AT POSTING. Let's try this one more time:

I feel I should tell you that having lived with what was essentially a bulimic cat for many many years, that we'd often just put the throw up back in his bowl for him to eat again (at a more sedate speed). So, you know, I'd just call that time-saving.

Umm.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

HAAHAHAHAHAHA. I lived with a pukey cat who liked to vomit the undigested food down the front of the couch. We called it a pukifall. The worst part is that it blended in with the sofa, so often you wouldn't notice it until days later, when it was a dried mess, and your hand ran over it.

Upside: it just peeled off.

[sivatheminty.livejournal.com]

Doesn't Meefie have an obsession with blue peeps....or was it a clan I was in?? It's been too long.

Also, I lurvvvvvv pepto hearts :)

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

OMG I BOUGHT A NEW BAG. THEY CHANGED THE FORMULA. THEY TASTE LIKE SPEARMINT PEPTO ASS.

[lawsontl.livejournal.com]

If you haven't already seen these, methinks you'll love 'em:

http://www.despair.com/bittersweets.html

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

BUT WHAT DO THEY TASTE LIKE.