LADIES DON'T LIKE SLEEPING ON BRICKS. THEY LIKE DUVETS WITH HIGH THREAD COUNTS. WHY IS MY BATHROOM PINK? BECAUSE LADIES LOVE PINK AND I LOVE THE LADIES.
So my husband when he was still new to the country worked under the table at this skeezy redneck pub called Casey's as a line cook. And they all thought it was this huge deal that he was Irish, so at their Christmas party, they made it their mission to see how much booze he could take. I was working that night, and by the time I showed up at the party he'd had sixteen pints of beer, at least 4 Irish Carbombs, and a bunch of other stuff he doesn't remember. So um anyway, he was fucking gone.
I was trying to convince him he really needed to go home, but he was sitting with this massive unpleasant rigpig and the two of them are getting quite yell-y, so I put my hand on his arm to be like "whoa calm down their drunky mcdrunkerson", but in an unobtrusive way, and this rigpig just slaps me on the mouth all "HEY. MEN ARE TALKING." and my stupid oblivious husband DOESN'T EVEN NOTICE. So yeah, I dragged him the fuck out of the pub, angry as shit.
And then we get home, and I'm like "well the least I can do is get drunken sex out of this", and I try to initiate and he starts to sing the Irish national anthem, exceptionally loud, in Irish. (This sounds like a lie but it is not. To this day I have no idea what the fuck posessed him to get ~patriotic~ at that moment). So anyway, I got annoyed, rolled over, and was just about to fall asleep when I hear this noise. . .and yeah, he was vomiting in the bed. So I woke him up and was like "sit up, you're throwing up in bed". And then because I have hella emetophobia, ran the fuck out of there and slept on the couch all night trying to will away the chills running through my body.
SO. DRUNKEN SEX.
Actually, the only other time was in Dublin after this ~literary pub crawl~ that he got hammered at because he was bored, and he tried to pick up the only other Canadian girl there for a threesome. His miraculous line? "It's dangerous along the Liffey this time of night, you better let me walk you back to your hotel!" SHE WAS SO OUT OF HIS LEAGUE. But I let him stumble on through and then humiliated him about it the next morning.
And now it sounds like I am married to like, a caveman. WHAT CAN YA DO.
IT'S A TOUGH BALANCE OKAY? SOMETIMES HE'LL DRINK LIKE, SEVEN BEERS JUST WATCHING DOCTOR WHO WITH ME IN HIS BOXERS. I HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT THE MATH OF HIS DRUNKENNESS YET. I'M A BAD WIFE.
ON WEBCAM HIS 95 YEAR OLD GRANDMOTHER GIVES ME DIRTY LOOKS LIKE "ARE YOU INFERTILE OR SOMETHING? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" SOONER OR LATER SHE'S GOING TO PUT 2 AND 2 TOGETHER AND REALIZE THAT I ONLY TOLD HER I WAS FRENCH CANADIAN, AND NEVER SPECIFICALLY SAID "CATHOLIC" AND THEN THE NEXT TIME I'M OVERSEAS I'M GOING TO WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH A PILLOW IN MY FACE. STRUGGLING IN VAIN AGAINST HER SUPERNATURAL GRANDMA-STRENGTH.
FFS SHE LIVED THROUGH TWO WORLD WARS. SHE'S OLDER THAN THE REPUBLIC OF IRELAND ITSELF. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT.
Even people who are not born in Ireland but have great grandparents from Ireland get Ireland-patriotic when drunk. Do you know how many times I've had to hear Come Out You Black and Tans, Come Out and Fight Me Like A Man! when my husband's fucked on Guinness?
He has now given up the drink in favor of fitness and is buying a bicycle this weekend. Help.
Yeah that was. . .my wedding, in a nutshell. There was a microphone. And Guinness. Except my Grandfather is a Londoner and was NOT GOING TO STAND for these Irish shenanigans.
I wish my husband would trade drink in favour of fitness. He keeps joining the gym, spending a fortune on it, and then winding up on the couch anyway drinking Kilkenny anyway. And then he bitches because all the guys at work make fun of him for being tubby.
Yeah, I've been on weight watchers since January and lost about 30 pounds. He stops eating pizza for a week and a half and loses like, 15. FUCK MEN. FUCK THEM.
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amand_r
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no subject
Date: 2010-07-16 02:24 pm (UTC)So my husband when he was still new to the country worked under the table at this skeezy redneck pub called Casey's as a line cook. And they all thought it was this huge deal that he was Irish, so at their Christmas party, they made it their mission to see how much booze he could take. I was working that night, and by the time I showed up at the party he'd had sixteen pints of beer, at least 4 Irish Carbombs, and a bunch of other stuff he doesn't remember. So um anyway, he was fucking gone.
I was trying to convince him he really needed to go home, but he was sitting with this massive unpleasant rigpig and the two of them are getting quite yell-y, so I put my hand on his arm to be like "whoa calm down their drunky mcdrunkerson", but in an unobtrusive way, and this rigpig just slaps me on the mouth all "HEY. MEN ARE TALKING." and my stupid oblivious husband DOESN'T EVEN NOTICE. So yeah, I dragged him the fuck out of the pub, angry as shit.
And then we get home, and I'm like "well the least I can do is get drunken sex out of this", and I try to initiate and he starts to sing the Irish national anthem, exceptionally loud, in Irish. (This sounds like a lie but it is not. To this day I have no idea what the fuck posessed him to get ~patriotic~ at that moment). So anyway, I got annoyed, rolled over, and was just about to fall asleep when I hear this noise. . .and yeah, he was vomiting in the bed. So I woke him up and was like "sit up, you're throwing up in bed". And then because I have hella emetophobia, ran the fuck out of there and slept on the couch all night trying to will away the chills running through my body.
SO. DRUNKEN SEX.
Actually, the only other time was in Dublin after this ~literary pub crawl~ that he got hammered at because he was bored, and he tried to pick up the only other Canadian girl there for a threesome. His miraculous line? "It's dangerous along the Liffey this time of night, you better let me walk you back to your hotel!" SHE WAS SO OUT OF HIS LEAGUE. But I let him stumble on through and then humiliated him about it the next morning.
And now it sounds like I am married to like, a caveman. WHAT CAN YA DO.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-16 02:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-16 02:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-16 02:42 pm (UTC)LOOK DON'T THE IRISH ONLY BELIEVE IN THE RHYTHM METHOD? HAVE ENOUGH SEX AND YOU ARE BOUND TO HAVE A FUCK UP.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-16 02:47 pm (UTC)ON WEBCAM HIS 95 YEAR OLD GRANDMOTHER GIVES ME DIRTY LOOKS LIKE "ARE YOU INFERTILE OR SOMETHING? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" SOONER OR LATER SHE'S GOING TO PUT 2 AND 2 TOGETHER AND REALIZE THAT I ONLY TOLD HER I WAS FRENCH CANADIAN, AND NEVER SPECIFICALLY SAID "CATHOLIC" AND THEN THE NEXT TIME I'M OVERSEAS I'M GOING TO WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH A PILLOW IN MY FACE. STRUGGLING IN VAIN AGAINST HER SUPERNATURAL GRANDMA-STRENGTH.
FFS SHE LIVED THROUGH TWO WORLD WARS. SHE'S OLDER THAN THE REPUBLIC OF IRELAND ITSELF. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-16 02:49 pm (UTC)LET'S SEE. ALL MEN LOVE REVERSE COWBOY. AND CROTCHLESS PANTIES.
GOD MADE CROTCHLESS PANTIES SPECIFICALLY FOR THE ACT OF CONCEPTION.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-16 02:54 pm (UTC)WHO MADE ALL THE ANIMALS AND THE PEOPLE AND PLANTS OF THE WORLD, AND THE CROTCHLESS PANTIES SO THAT THEY COULD BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY
no subject
Date: 2010-07-16 02:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-16 02:46 pm (UTC)He has now given up the drink in favor of fitness and is buying a bicycle this weekend. Help.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-16 02:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-16 02:50 pm (UTC)I wish my husband would trade drink in favour of fitness. He keeps joining the gym, spending a fortune on it, and then winding up on the couch anyway drinking Kilkenny anyway. And then he bitches because all the guys at work make fun of him for being tubby.
IRISH PEOPLE.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-16 02:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-16 02:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-16 02:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-16 02:56 pm (UTC)Oh, he goes to the gym. And then he eats six nutty buddies in three days. Fucker.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-16 02:58 pm (UTC)FUCK THAT GUY
no subject
Date: 2010-07-16 04:07 pm (UTC)Mine eats his way through any and every carb known to man. But he also runs marathons so...
For the record, I think marathons are stupid. The original guy didn't have a choice. And then he died.
It is totally whacked to sit at my table and watch Dave and the 13 year old eat and eat and eat.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-16 04:08 pm (UTC)Just make sure he gets a good helmet.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-16 04:09 pm (UTC)He totes needs the leopard print fez!