reports of my physical and mental breakdown have been greatly underexaggerated

[amand_r]

I don't think it's news to anyone that I'm an up and down person. I have mood swings, and until recently I have always gone with the flow. Back in February the anger end of those issues started to hinder relationships, so I tried to locate causes and tracking on a calendar, and lo and behold they were cyclical, like another cycle I have, go fig. Knowing that it was "that time of the month" for my anger issues had helped me to control that. That's fine.



A few weeks ago, I started to notice that I was developing a series of symptoms that I couldn't ignore. I was overbreathing, or rather, taking too many deep breaths, and it's pretty much, if I understand what I was being told, hyperventilating or something. I also developed a lump in my throat, like that lump you get before you start to cry? All the time.

I was convinced that I had cancer. My tongue was swollen in the back. I met resistance when I tried to breathe through my nose, even though I wasn't congested. I yawned excessively. All of this led me to believe something bad, but I wasn't sure what.

I figured that looking for things it would be on the net is about the dumbest thing you could do, so what I did to get around that was looking for things that it couldn't be. As in, it wasn't likely cancer because of other factors I didn't have, and it wasn't other diseases because of things that I didn't have. What I did find was that I was amassing a lit of strange symptoms that I hadn't though of that when all combined created a bizarre painting of my ailing body. LIKE HOUSE!

So here I present, what in the world is wrong with Amand-r? TMI, dudes

Overbreathing
Lump in throat that leaves when sleeping
Trouble sleeping (staying asleep)
Unexplained muscular soreness
Swollen tongue
Inflamed sinuses
Headaches
Exhaustion
Excessive yawning
Palpitations
Depression
Twitching muscles
Koilonychia (spoon-shaped nails) [I put this in here because I just discovered the word and the doctor confirmed it. Woot!]
Intermittent hives
Occasional upper lip swelling like allergies.
Pacing
Teeth grinding or jaw clenching (my dentist just told me that I do this recently. I'm wiggling my teeth in place and they get loose and then they rub at the gumline and erode the enamel. SHITBEARS.)

I am sure there are more. I can't remember them all. I had a list. It was ridic. All I knew was that it was probably stress/anxiety related, and by the time I went to see the doctor 2 weeks ago, I was a wreck who could barely breathe. He had me do a spirometer and gave me an EKG and then did what I thought he would: told me to take some iron and proscribed Prozac. I was told to see a therapist and get back to him.

He was a lot nicer about it than that, and I cried in his office and he was very good. I had also just learnt that I had no mental health coverage, so I was afraid he was going to prescribe something hideously expensive.

So, here I am, in week 2 of Prozac, feeling better, and that's probably not the drug entirely since it takes weeks to kick in, but just the fat that I did something made most of the anxiety symptoms go away. How insane is that?

My brain still isn't processing all of this properly, so the rest if what I wanted to say, numbered as I think of them:

1. About three weeks ago I had a frightening revelation that we are all going to die, regardless of whether we want to or not, and we never had any choice in the matter. You didn't ask to be brought into this world, and you're going to die. The sensation made my head pulse and I got this burning sensation that started in my legs and ran up my body and I had to go take a shower to distract myself. Even now I can't think about it too much. Distraction is good.

2. I'm looking at subbing in the fall, since the teaching market is shit. I like teaching. I really do. It's all the things I have to do with teaching that I don't like, but that's life. I'd like to go back to school, but everyone is going back to school. That's just one of those things you do when you don't know what to do, and I don't know if that would solve anything. I'd like to try my hand at writing. Which leads me to my next big thing—I can't write short stories. We'll get to that later.

You know what, though? When they ask older people what they regret the most, they say "not taking enough risks." I have the money. I'm going to write.

3. I'm being better to myself. I go to bed earlier. I don't read the internets as much. I write more as a result. Yay. I use lotion every day. I floss. I take a multivitamin religiously. I'm trying to exercise, but that's still hard. I'm looking into yoga classes. I have to fix the physical anxiety issues as well as attack the mental ones.

4. I went to see a therapist, and we're going to work on the thing, whatever it is. I was in there talking to him for about 30 minutes when out of the blue he asked me, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how guilty to you feel over your husband's death?" and I think I just lost it. So I guess you know, things. He also rather implied that I might be thinking about Tianyu's death a little too much, or rather, the whole issue of suicide. That may be true. I think maybe I looked at it from too many angles. I'm starting to get the suspicion that I overthink everything in my quest to understand it, and most people don't bother, possibly because it's not necessary.

So yeah, I dunno what I have been like for you all the past few months. I have felt as if every little thing irks me, when it didn't used to. I have felt like I can't do anything right, etc etc, that I am always wrong. You could have said, "Hey, nice ass, baby," and I would have thought that you wanted me to lose weight or stay in my house for the rest of my life. I dunno. The real Amand-r that I like to be is THE CAPSLOCK ONE OF JOY because that's who I genuinely am, people who have met me will attest, so hopefully I can find that person again, and not just intermittently.

LATER I WILL POST ABOUT MY INEPTNESS IN WRITING SHORT STORIES, BUT FOR NOW I LEAVE YOU WITH A TALE OF TRAGIC BOOB WOE: (men, you may leave now.)

Dudes, last week, I was making coffee in the morning, and the cup I wanted was on the upper shelf. I leaned up to get it and felt this sharp pain in my breasts, and sure enough, I was still in thin jammy shirt, and I had just leant into the coffee pot steam. It burned like a son of a bitch, and I actually leaned over the sink to run my breast under the cold water. LOL acrobatics. Anyway, it was sore and rubbed against the shirt and then when I put a bra on, it felt better because it was immobile. Then I forgot about it. Steam burns are just things you get and the skin is red and then there's no blistering and you feel raw for a day and then it's all-okay, at least for me.

So this week I'm I dunno, washing or something and I feel hardness on my breast. OMG, THE BURNS ACTUALLY SCABBED OVER. LIKE THEY WERE BURNT ENOUGH TO SCAB. WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT.

I guess the moral of the story is not to lean over hot steamy things, but OMG BURN SCARS ON BOOBS. WEEPZ.

Comments

[cthonus.livejournal.com]

I sit on "symptoms" and slowly start to panic until it gets to the stage I have to go see a doctor and get told to get lost and stop wasting his time.

Normally if I have someone else to worry about I concentrate on them and forget to go all hypochondriac. Last year my panic-substitute left so as usual my brain was oscillating between thinking about who I'm leaving the house to and knowing full well I was fine.

So to reset my worry clock I decided I'd get another doctor's appointment and be told to go away.

Guess what? He sent me for a blood test the next week.

So for the next six days I was worrying about what I was being tested for. Come the day I steeled myself for the worst and sat in a waiting room full of old and obviously sick people. Nurse came to get me and went through with prodding me with the needle then said it was all over.

I asked if I was being tested for blood cancer as the doctor hadn't explained anything. She almost laughed and said it was merely a routine test for blood sugar levels etc they do for everyone. I could have shot someone at that stage.

After that? I went home and started feeling progressively worse COS I'D PICKED UP SOME FUCKING VIRUS IN THE WAITING ROOM!!! Jeez...

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I have to get bloodwork done, too, in fact mental note to do it tomorrow, but here, they tell you what they're looking for. Mine is a standard thyroid, cbc and other test. But blood tests are a good idea sometimes, and mine have never turned up anything bad, per se. Low calcium once.

I pretty much wen in there sure what was wrong with me, but I was almost relieved when he acknowledged that yeah, that was what was happening, my symptoms weren't just body tics, and we could do something about them.

Oh, and the not having cancer part. always nice to hear a doctor say that.

playing doctor

[elainasaunt.livejournal.com]

I just spotted another symptom: tagorrhea!

Sweetheart, with all those issues, you're still one of the awesomest people I know. I realize you've got lots closer friends here, and I know they've got your back, but hey - you ever need another private ear, let me know. Glad the proactiveness and Prozac are helping. OMG BURN SCARS ON BOOBS

Nope, not going there...

Rebecca

Re: playing doctor

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

MY TAGS ARE AN ART FORM. ART, I SAY.

Thanks for the offer. I just feel better, and I like the idea of knowing what the problem is so that I can try to fix it, you know?

NO ONE WANTS NIPPLE SCABS. THAT IS WHAT I AM SAYING.

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

I love you absurdly much for an imaginary friend. If there's anything I can do, let me know.

I know someone who calibrates his antidepressant according to how much existential angst he feels--if he's paralysed by his own mortality, he's underdosed, but if he doesn't lie awake for a few minutes before being able to fall asleep feeling overwhelmed by how small he is in the grand scheme of things, he needs to cut back a little.

Seriously. This was his therapist's advice after several years of being unable to calibrate a good dose by standard measures.

Anyway, I meant what I said. Love ya, man.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

YOUR FRIEND IS MAJORLY AWESOME. I mean, I wouldn't do that, but yeah.

I just. Man, I think about it all, and I think I'm being thorough, and now maybe I actually mistake thoroughness for too much, and now that I've thought about it this much then I've overthought my overthinkiness.

Clearly this is a problem that must be solved with cake.

I MAKE A GREAT IMAGINARY FRIEND.

THOUGH SOMETIMES I MAKE A GOO CORPOREAL FRIEND BECAUSE I DO COOK A MEAN SPICY FISH.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

I look at what you have soldiered through these last few months, and where you are at the writing of this post, and breath deeply and smile, and wanna smoosh you. Good progress. Long ways to go yet, but really really good.

I am laughing at your tags. Power lesbians?

I'd kiss your boo-boo but uh, okay never mind. Glad your uh boob is much better. Yeah.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

OMG YOU HAVE SEEN ME BEING INSANE.

..I APOLOGISE TO YOU GREATLY.

POWER LESBIANS? IN MY VA-JAY-JAY?

[amonitrate.livejournal.com]

It sounds like you're doing a bunch to take care of yourself and I'm really glad. I know how hard even taking those steps can be for me, even making the calls and getting in the door, you know?

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Making the call was hard as fuck. I think seeing how many people have likewise issues the other week when I made that post in lj made me feel better about not being a total life failure. apparently there are massive numbers of us slackers.

[51stcenturyfox.livejournal.com]

I <3 U.

My ankles intermittently swell up (bizarrely, It's ACTUALLY to do with the way I sit, weird) and I went to the doctor and he's all, LET'S DO AN ULTRASOUND SO YOU DON'T HAVE A CLOT WHICH CAN CAUSE A MAJOR STROKE.

WTF, yo. So that's not it. They should fix it because it's a surprise and once in a while I can't wear a skirt because of WEIRD ANKLE. Fuck, what?

So now, fuck you, WEBMD. You freak me out.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

omg seriously. Every once in a while my upper lip rapidly swells as if I have been stung, unevenly. Sometimes right, sometimes left, once in the middle. So far it's happened three times in about 6 months. I was not stung. It happened at 3 different times of day, in three different places. Once after I ate a piece of cheesecake, once after I had some Arby's fries, and once WHEN I HAD NOT YET EATEN ANYTHING.

WHAT IS THIS?

[cruentum.livejournal.com]

...boob scabs.

Better than dick scabs.

Just saying.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

1. I THOUGHT OF THAT.
2. I THOUGHT OF WHAT YOU WOULD SAY ABOUT THAT STORY.
3. THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH WHAT I THOUGHT.
4. YOU ARE PREDICTIBLE.

[bk7brokemybrain.livejournal.com]

Many of the symptoms you mention can be addressed by Eastern medicine. That lump in the throat is called Plum Pit Throat and is related to an excess of emotional energy. Overbreathing, yawning, swollen upper lip, tongue changes (there is a whole chapter studying the tongue, lol), so many odd things that are dismissed by Western medicine are recognized by Eastern. I'd highly recommend finding a real acupuncturist, acupressure practitioner, or Amma therapist to treat you. It's all about Qi, energy - physical, mental, emotional and even spiritual energies are addressed. Notice that 3/4 of the treatment sphere is intangible in Eastern meds.
I can recommend one particular point to press, CV 17. On your sternum, even with the line of the nipples (I know, women's nipples are all over the place, but imagine where they started out) there is a depression in the bone. Go straight in with your middle finger and hold it. If you are holding a lot of emotional energy it will ache, hurt, but hold it for fifteen seconds or so, then circle out gently. My sister holds in all kinds of feelings, and she can't even let the shower hit her there, much less let me massage that point. She curls up like a pill bug if I try. It's really powerful.
If you ever come to New York, I'd be happy to do an Eastern massage on you, get all that Qi moving around again.

Hope you feel better!

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Well, none of those were dismissed by the doctor. They're all recorded symptoms of GAD, which is why I'm treating with an SSRI and therapy. But yeah, I like accupressure.

[kel-reiley.livejournal.com]

re: burn scars on boobs - when my mom was a teenager she was baking something (don't know what) and she was wearing the long chain necklace
well, she'd leaned over the stove or the open oven or something, and then leaned back and the chain slipped down into her shirt and BURNT TO HER SKIN and got stuck
moral of the story: don't wear jewelry when cooking!

also, i am glad you're feeling a bit better (aren't you?) b/c you kind of amaze me sometimes with all the things that you do :)

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I DON'T DO ANYTHING. IT'S ALL DONE WITH MIRRORS.

Seriously, I don't work. What else would I be doing?

[rednwhiterose.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth...YOU ARE AWESOME AND FULL OF WIN!!!

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

WELL THANK YOU.

I LIKE YOUR ICON.

[bethcarielle.livejournal.com]

The cyclic PMS/PMDD/otherwise uncontrollable emotions thing I totes commiserate with. Been there, done that, didn't ever get a fecking tee shirt. I did get counseling and a scrip for HBC and have been even keeled since.

I have another friend who been down the excessive deep breathing/hyperventilating/throat feels constricted route. I believe her doc diag'ed it as anxiety but you're not alone with the symptoms. It's always, for me, reassuring to know you're not alone with when it comes to weird combinations of symptoms.

Here's hoping you return to your normal capslocky self soon.

OMG BURN SCARS ON BOOBS
Omg ow... :(

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

THAT IS WHAT I MEAN. THERE'[S A NAME FOR THAT THROAT THING. IT'S CALLED GLOBULUS HYSTERICUS. THE MOMENT I READ THAT, I FELT 150% BETTER.

MY BOOBS ARE BETTER NOW!

[kwanalicious.livejournal.com]

holy shit. That WAS a tale of tragic boob woe, although I cannot help but giggle at the mental image of you running your tit under the sink. Have an appropriate icon. Also a hug.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

OMG I LOOKED AT IT AND WAS LIKE, "WHAT DO I DO?"

IT WAS THE KITCHEN SINK. I FELT LIKE JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME IN TIME COP.

[itcamefromjapan.livejournal.com]

I want to hug you, but I feel that might not be the best idea, in light of your Tale of Tragic Boob Woe.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, AMAND-R. I'M GLAD TO HAVE YOU AROUND, EVEN JUST AS SOMEONE IN MY COMPUTER-BOX WHO CAPSLOCKS ABOUT SHARKS.

Seriously, though, I've been having a rather nasty depressive episode for a while now, and it's reminded me how difficult it is to get up and get help for this stuff - and how much it helps to know you're taking those steps. I'm glad to hear you're in a place where you can do that, and I wish you lots of love and luck in working on it further.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

OMG SHARKS ARE SO WORTH CAPSLOCKING ABOUT. HOW DO PEOPLE NOT SEE HOW THEY SIGNAL THE DOWNFALL OF OUR CIVILISATION?

Thanks man.

[jacquez.livejournal.com]

the best thing for my anxiety was Klonopin. and therapy. aw yeah. drugs & talkin'.

MORE SERIOUSLY.

1. boob scabs OW.
2. dude, it, and just, and the, and TAKE CARE OF YOU. Which, you are, so yay you.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

SERIOUSLY I WASN'T EVEN AWARE BOOBS COULD SCAB.

[blue-fjords.livejournal.com]

Helloooo, Gorgeous! I bet your boobs look awesome now, though, huh? I'll ask GDL when he swings by...

I for one am glad you went to the doc. You can get through this. I have faith in you!! And I think it's a good idea to focus on writing. I gave you some silly prompts. Here's one that's not so silly (in my opinion):

Child's eye view of a family reunion. Peonies, spilled punch, and someone plays the piano poorly.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Ooooooooh. to the prompt.

My boobs are better. I have never had such an outpouring of concern over my boobs before.

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

What I did find was that I was amassing a lit of strange symptoms that I hadn't though of that when all combined created a bizarre painting of my ailing body. LIKE HOUSE!

It's never lupus. Just saying.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I RULED THAT OUT EARLY.

Seriously, I'm always looking for things that it CAN"T be on the internet. That was how I settled on GAD.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I am sorry for your boob woe!

And sorry that you've been having such a hard time of it lately, and glad you sought out a diagnosis and some treatment.

And glad that you're taking risks, YAY WRITING.

And if I were capable of writing short stories myself I would totally prompt you. If I think of something I will be all HEY MANDR WRITE THIS AWESOME STORY.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

There are some interesting thoughts up there, and I thin I'm just going to...pretend I don't know how to do it and then go from there.

[sivatheminty.livejournal.com]

Well first and foremost, I'm sorry about your bewb...ouchies keep your TaTas safe :P

Second, I'm glad you're checking yourself out, I'd help with the list of symptoms, but all I know from House is that it's probably not Lupis :)

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

HAAAHAHAHAH IT'S NOT LUPUS!

IT'S ANXIETY. I'LL BE OKAY. DRUGS AND THERAPY AND EXERCISE AND SLEEP.

[sthayashi.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're seeing someone. My armchair doctoral analysis is that something is on your mind that you can't get off. Most of the symptoms are related.

One possible key is that you're not getting enough sleep (or enough of the right sleep). And many of your physical problems are stemming from that. Well, probably not the nail thing, but just about everything else. Apnea is a slim possibility, but I wonder what a sleep study might reveal. RLS maybe?

Oh, and sorry about the boobs. Just the sheer mental thought of it makes me tingle and shiver, and not in a good way.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I sleep about 9 hours a day.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Thyroid?

I went for blood tests, because I felt like I wasn't getting enough oxygen. My lungs weren't tight, but I kept having to ... like take a cleansing breath? It kind of felt like when I was preggo, and the kidlet was pressing on my diaphram. Except without the pressing part.

Turns out I have no thyroid. I have no idea how they're related, but since going on the meds, I no longer sigh constantly like a giant emo.

As for boobs, my friend once went to close an old fashioned window, whilst braless SQUISHED HER NIPPLE BETWEEN THE WINDOW AND THE FRAME. It split open.

another friend was waxing her upper legs in the nude. She leaned over to do part of her ankle, and WAXED HER BOOB TO HER THIGH. *g*

Mine just hurt right now for the 'regular' reason.

*hugs*

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

THOSE BOOB HORROR STORIES ARE HORRIBLE.

THEY MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.

They're going to do a blood test on mah thyroid. My mom is on DRUGS for it, so maybe I have some sort of issue. Bleugh.

What did we all do before drugs? Just die young?

[tariqa.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth (from someone you don't know and all that) I'm glad you're feeling better now, and doing stuff to help yourself feel better than that. It's good to be good to yourself. Therapy can be difficult... but worth it, if you've found the right therapist to work with.

I hope the boob scabs heal up okay. Keep them covered, I guess.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Haaaaa it's all healed now! I AM WHOLE ONCE AGAIN.

[huesiemama.livejournal.com]

Girl, you have a huge pair. Not every person that needs help has the presence of mind to seek help. I am glad you are in a place to make the call. Take care of you, bebe. *Wisconsin hugs*

I hate webmd sometimes. It has convinced me that I had a detached retina(actually reaction to sun's glare reflected in my eye) and deep vein thrombosis(weird random infection in my leg).

Sorry to hear about your boobies. Just realized that I totes could have that injury, based on where my coffee canister is in relation to my kettle. Eeps! My girls have just recovered from the irritation of some non piercing jewelry so...

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

OMG GIRL. MAN. DEEP VEIN THROMBOSIS. STOP READING WEB MD. LOL.

MOVE YOUR CANISTER. YOU WILL THANK ME LATER WHEN YOU DO NOT HAVE BOOB SCAB.

[pearlseed.livejournal.com]

Dear sweet human being, Yeah--the pits that dying part. Here we are in this wonderful world having found things we like and peaches and James Marsters and all my grumpy bossy cats and my brother and sister who have Turned Out Alright and all. But hell what a long strange wonderful trip it has been so far and I'd lot rather do this than not. I wish I had thrown my last long term relationship out on his sorry ass about 20 minutes after our first kiss cos that was the best of him. After that he was a lame lying sob oh well, I didn't do it. Oh, back to dying. I realized one Sunday morning drinking a beer at half time during a soccer tournament in a much better divsion than I ever wanted to attempt playing in. I was an old player, started when I was 32 and really don't have any gifts for sports, just don't quit. Realized there wouldn't be anymore summertime or stars at night or full moon swims or anything and it just flat floored me. So I'm just going to say, this bit is weird and rambling I know, you wouldn't know me if I had a hat on, but I feel love for you that you struggle and pride in you that you struggle and hope that you find a path that will get you where you want to be and someone to travel with you. Keep on keeping on--it is better to burn out than to fade away.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Awww, thank you darling.