My Crimmas Wish List

[amand_r]

I haven't updated my wish list in ages. I rarely ask for things. I mean, what's the point? Things don't make you happy (this is pointed at you Nicholas H. Cruentum. Those boxers would not have made you happy. After you washed them.), and you know. Blah blah. But I figured I'd sit down and think about it, because once I asked for a hookah and I got one.



1. I wish that I was tougher skinned. The internet is fun, and it's about as much human interaction as I like, because I can walk away from you whenever I want, whereas when I'm with people, I'm usually done long before we're supposed to be done. However, I take what people say on the internets to heart. And then I try to be a person I'm not. A lot of the time I also assume that people are what they say they are on he internet, and I'm always disappointed to find that they are not. Yeah, look, I grew up in a house that valued honesty. I cannot keep up a charade of falsety (is that right? I think that's the opposite of what I want to say, really. Hrm.) So long stints of trying to be someone else don't work for me. I don't know where I'm going with this. Marlo Thomas would have something to say about this.

2. I want someone to be catty with. Really. Some people aren't happy unless they're kvetching. I read that in X-Force once. Or X-Factor. I forget who said it and about whom. I think Shatterstar might have been involved. Hrm, but it's true. I am happy when I'm bitching about you, and you and you. Incidentally, this doesn't mean that I don't like/love you. I just like to kvetch. It's how I work out issues so I can bring the funneh. I hate when I think I have found that person, because they say catty things, and when I get my first good dig in, they chide me. Bite me, asshat. But alas, I have yet to find my bitch buddy in a long while.

3. I would like the Pope, the new Pope, to go on tour. I would like the tour to be called "THE POPE IS DOPE 2010". It would be cool if he would throw a few gang signs too. West siiiiiiiiiide. I wish he would ride in his tic tac box again. I miss the tic tac box.

4. I wish they'd stop making sugar free pickles. Look, man, there are some things that should be made the way god intended them, nor not at all. Pickles are one of those things. If you cannot eat sugar or something, perhaps you should treat pickles the way my buddy sthayashi treats poultry: wave at them as they pass you by. Or eat dill pickles. Do they use sugar in dill pickles?

Failing that, I would like the jars to have red labels that say: "WARNING, THESE PICKLES ARE MADE WITH SHIT. ONLY EAT IF YOU ARE A DOUCHE."

If you have a problem with this, please get on my #2.

5. I wish my husband wasn't dead. This one right here is usually why I don't make these lists anymore, but I did decide to do it, so it's obligatory. We're to the point that I say it in public sometimes just so I can hear that record scratch noise. Did you know they don't play that in RL? Only on Scrubs. And in my head.

6. I wish I knew what the hell I should be doing with my life, career wise. Honestly, at this point, I should take a poll and then just do whatever wins. But you'd all vote for rumrunner or cylindrical megaphone or something and I'd be stuck.

7. I wish my kid would be more teachable about a lot of things, but potty training especially. Sidewish: I wish people would stop giving me unsolicited advice. I say something disparaging, because hey, see #2, and people think I'm asking for advice. Recently my kid had a little crying session at someone's house, and I picked her up to talk to her, and she moped into my shoulder for a second and then was done. Individual told me that I was best to ignore her. Yeah, well, bite me. If I want advice, I'll wiki it, then I'll google it, and then I might ask you, moron. When people give me unsolicited advice, I want to turn to them and say, "HER DAD IS DEAD, DO YOU HAVE ADVICE RE: THAT?." But that's neither here nor there, and there's no good excuse for a temper tantrum ever (unless it's mine). On the other hand, my child is so freakishly well behaved in public most of the time that people stop at our table at restaurants to tell me that. So again, unsolicited child rearing advice giver, don't. Just don't.

8. I wish I could move far away and start a new life where no one knew me. Like Cicely, Alaska. I don't particularly like the cold, but man, I wish that place was real. For a while I thought I should hang about bad parts of town so that I could get a bunch of information that I could use to trade for Witness Protection, but for some reason people aren't inclined to commit crimes when another person is standing there with a camera and a tablet, asking 'Hey man, whatcha doing? Huh? Gonna sell some drugs? Dump a body?'

9. I wish I had #1 so that I wouldn't be afraid to finish this book. Because it's pretty fucking awesome. Alas, there's no point in wasting time if I can't sell it, and I can't sell it because I'm afraid to show it, and hey, even if I did, there's no guarantee that it would sell. It sounds like I'm wishing for #1 as #9, so I guess #9 is I wish I could finish the book.

10. I want someone to clean my house. Like "moving in" clean. If they did that, I might be in the mood to repack everything in the basement and pitch half of the shit down there, because every time I think about doing it, I say "Oh, but I have to clean the house first." That's how they GET ya. Who are they? I can't say. I'm still waiting on a return call from the Federal Marshals.

Comments

[kickair8p.livejournal.com]

Would a hug help, or just be annoying?

Well, I'm about to be on the road for a couple hours, so here's one just in case: {{{hug!}}}

~

[lawsontl.livejournal.com]

One of the hardest things I'm still learning is how to be tougher-skinned. I grew up in a house where my father held petty grudges over EVERYTHING. I had to be perfect. Failure was not allowed, and you were basically knocked down a notch or told how much you sucked when you did fail (and failure, in his eyes, was me getting an A rather than an A+).

So, this whole grown-up, real life, no one's perfect thing has been incredibly hard. You're not soliciting advice, which is good, because I can't say I can give any. I've just found that, amazingly, the world DOES NOT end if I'm not perfect. People keep liking me even if I don't always meet their expectations. People keep loving me when I'm flawed. It's been amazing figuring that out, but it doesn't mean my instinct has changed from overreacting when I fuck up, and trying so very, very hard to fix it. Sometimes, I just have to acknowledge it and move on. I've got the acknowledgment part now. The moving on part, not so much. I still turn events over and over and over in my mind, thinking of how I should've done it, what I should've seen that I didn't, etc... And I feel guilty when I try let go of it. But I'm letting go of more. And it gets easier the more I do it. It's not easy per se, but it's easier than it used to be.

So, does it at least help to hear someone else has the same effedupedness?

Let's move to Alaska and establish Cicely. It can be a pronz and organic vegetables commune, with lots of pets and well-behaved kids. And sparkle, natch.

And it'll be organized. THAT shit I've got down. I'm a cold-hearted, getting-rid-of-crap, psychotic lunatic (Hubby needs work, but he's not bad). But both my parents are one step away from being clinically imbalanced hoarders, and, as I've said before, I rebelled in my family by being boring. Provide wine, and I'll come help you get rid of shit, mei mei. *evil grin*

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Cicely Alaska was founded by freethinking lesbians. We need some of them first.

OTOH, this is fandom, I'm sure we can find droves of them.

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

Hahah, I can't imagine making a wish list right now. So I sympathise.

I also hate the unsolicited advice. A friend just commented in an old entry about something completely different, so I went to respond, and the first comment in line (from someone else) pissed me off all over again. YOU ARE NINETEEN, STOP TELLING ME OBVIOUS SHIT ABOUT DYEING HAIR, OK? I've been dyeing my hair since before she had hair. I know all this shit. Gah.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I know that I'm guilty of it myself, and I am trying to not be that person anymore. Wait, isn't there a level in Dante's Inferno for givers of bad advice?

[unovis-lj.livejournal.com]

You can always bitch to me.
*looking uneasily at #1; I think I'm about 4 different people online*

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Haahahahah TOO TRUE.

I try to just be me online. It makes life easier. I like to think that when people meet me IRL, they say, "Man, that Amand-r, pretty much what's on the tin. But with hair."

[kel-reiley.livejournal.com]

i will move into your house and clean it... for money :)

oh, kid advice - i love it when ppl give kid adivce, especially when they don't even have kids... LIKE ME! my only kid advice is to SEDATE THEM. I AM UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT THIS WORKS IN ALL SITUATIONS.
(this method is untested, do not try this at home)

wanna move to hawaii? it's like alaska, only not, and it's warm

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I hear there are no bugs in Hawaii.

I might have been misinformed. They do have good coffee there.

[elistaire.livejournal.com]

I wish I could help you with those, but those are some difficult wishes. Maybe #10, if I lived closer. We could have a party. We'd clean your house, and then the party could come to my house and clean there, too. I think everyone feels better with a clean house.

*hugs*

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I think cleaning might go easier if you have help. Like moving. Or orgies.

[amonitrate.livejournal.com]

I think a house cleaning party sounds either awesome or really embarrassing. I can't decide. A)people would see how dirty my house is! B)Clean house!

[cthonus.livejournal.com]

I spent last week wandering around work with an invisible knife in my hand. Invisible knives are cool things. They can take away my dignity; they can take away my bonus; they can take away my peace of mind. But they can't take away my invisible knife!

But I put it down somewhere in reception and lost it. So I ended up walking up and down with an invisible candle looking for my invisible knife.

When someone told me it was high time I was back in my office working I just pointed to my invisible watch and said their clock was wrong.

In my world no one ever has to eat parsnips :D

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I am in love with you, man.

Like, in a bromance way. Not romantic or nothing.

Drinks invisible beer.

[specialj67.livejournal.com]

Re: pickles

I had no idea there was sugar involved in pickle-making...surprise, surprise: I've never done it nor looked on the jar to see what is used. I knew it involved cucumbers and brine and magic. All I know is when someone asks if I want a pickle and I'm all "pickles?! Outta my way unless you want me to eat your hand!"

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

THEY MAKE THE SUGAR FREE PICKLES WITH ASPARTAME. IMAGINE EATING A PICKLE WITH AN AFTERTASTE OF SWEET N LOW.

I JUST PUKED IN MY MOUTH AT THE THOUGHT.

[amonitrate.livejournal.com]

Unsolicited advice is one of the world's annoyances, and I wish everyone, including me, would stop offering it. Some of it seems to come from this knee-jerk need to fix things instead of just listening to the person to whom the advice is offered. Most people when they're complaining or just speaking honestly aren't looking for advice on what to do; they just want to let off steam or clarify things for themselves or have someone just listen for once. It's a hard thing to train yourself out of doing. it's like your need to be helpful or make a problem go away ends up trumping the other person's needs -- the very person whose needs you're supposedly serving by giving advice.

Anyway. Just to say that the older I get the more my internal list leans this way -- family ask me what I want for christmas and I don't want things. I want change. Or something. I had never specifically thought about it as a christmas list like this but it's an excellent concept.

I hope you get a couple of the things on your list this year.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

It's funny. I think one of the most helpful things that I ever heard/learnt about the difference between men and women (and it was an old psych class, so this could be jossed by now), was that when women complain, like about their bad day, a problem at work, etc, they just are complaining, to blow off steam. They may not actually be looking to solve the issue. Maybe they know the issue can't be solved. But men, when this happens, look to solve the problem, and if they cannot solve it, they get frustrated. So unsolvable problems just cause undue stress. It make conversing with my husband easier, knowing that, because I would preface things with "I just have to get this out of my system, I know there's not a solution." and then he'd listen.

I don't know when I became more male, wait, "male" in my approach. I get frustrated when there aren't answers. Especially when it's other people talking to me about their issues. I recognise that my issues don't have solutions, and that doesn't bother me, but it does when I'm listening to someone else's problems.

Hrm.

[sthayashi.livejournal.com]

1. We get more courage with with friends who have our backs (and certain beverages). With such courage, we get thicker skins. Just as it's easier for you to defend someone else than it is to defend yourself, it's easier for us to defend you. Solution: Don't go browsing without a buddy. Preferably a catty buddy.

2. Sir Sleeps-a-lot can be one of the cattiest person I know. I love hearing you kvetch, but I'm not so great at kvetching with you. Maybe I can work on that.

3. Can I dress up as Emperor Palpatine. Or maybe we have an idea for #6.

4. Put in Candy where you said Pickles, and I'd completely agree with you. Though I suppose diabetic kids have to get something for Halloween. Dammit, see I can't do catty.

5. I'll pass on a public response to this. Remind me in RL or in gchat, and I'll tell you then what I would have put here.

6. The business you suggested to me last week sounds awesome, and I'd love to not only help you get started in it, but work on it directly myself. The best part is that I think it stands a better chance at succeeding if it has an online component with someone who has an established internet presence supporting it. Failing that, I vote that you be a professional writer.

7. Father's daughter? She loves the Y-chromosome. I wonder if that'll translate in being able to teach her? Might be weird for potty training though. So maybe scratch the whole thing. Re sidewish: I'm bad about giving unsolicited advice too, just look at everything above. Still you seem to tolerate me anyways and for that I'm grateful.

8. See this just makes me feel like a failure as a friend. Still, I think understand where you're coming from.

9. In my house, you have 2 people interested in reading it right now and 1 willing buyer (it's a bit silly for us to keep 2 copies of the same book in our house, right?). I'm willing to wager that there are at least 10 other interested buyers reading your very post. But despite all that, if you finish it, you'll be done with it and it'll take a load off your mind. So if you don't want to finish it for your friends, finish it for yourself.

10. Cleaning party? Sorta like helping someone move, but cleaning instead. Does anyone do this with people's houses? If not, wanna be a trend setter?

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

It's really hard flipping back and forth to read the numbers, so I'll just address a few things:

Is Sir-Sleeps-A-Lot who I think it is? Because we'd call that being a whiny bitch. I kid, I kid.

OMG SUGAR FREE CANDY. I gave it up as a lost cause, but at least its labelled clearly. THE PICKLES ARE STEALTHY.

I SHOULD WORK ON THE BOOK. YOU HAVE INSPIRED ME.

Yeah, I'd offer to have a cleaning party, but cleaning my house would literally kill you, what with all the cat hair we'd unearth. Srsly, you'd need a hazmat suit. Then I'd just be lolling at your hazmat suit and we'd get nothing done. Face it, if you came over to clean, I'd buy beer, and after three hours we'd be drunk on the patio covered in 409 and Spic and Span.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Maybe, for your career, you could be like .... a house MEGA cleaner. Not a cleaner, but a GET RID OF ALL YER SHIT kind of person. Then, when you have a big company, and minions working for you, you could make them clean out your basement.

THEN YOU COULD WRITE A BOOK ABOUT IT AND GET IT PUBLISHED!

And then you could bitch about it.

PROBLEMS SOLVED*

dead husband and sugar free pickles not withstanding

As for potty training ... I got nothing.

I used to whine that I would have to lay Harrison down in the middle of his wedding procession and change his diaper, but my husband tut tutted me and said, "Honey, his WIFE will be changing his diaper at that point!"

trufax

Evenutally truck loads of tic tacs as bribery
worked.*

*not to be taken as unsolicited advice

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

YOUR LOGIC IS INFALLIBLE. I CANNOT ARGUE WITH IT.

I should just skip the company part and write a book of fake memoirs.

SOMEONE SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE PICKLES.

ALSO, yeah, the potty training. Baby steps. Literally. My pediatrician was pretty much the same way: "she won't be 14 and in diapers." In my head I added "unless it's a fetish." because I like to think she won't discover the freak ageplay until she's in her twenties.

[blue-fjords.livejournal.com]

Okay, I ... missed this post. Huh. Well, I know I'm more on the earnest side than the catty one. Though this is partly b/c I avoid the people/places I would cattisize. If I ran into them more, I would cattisize a lot more.

Your book. Seriously, you want an alpha reader (or #167 reader), my inbox is always open to you.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

LOL You have heard a great deal of mah catty. Meow, bitch.

Also. I guess this means I'll have to drag it out.

[lionessvalenti.livejournal.com]

Hi. I don't really have anything to say, but when you're posts get over 50 comments and everyone and their mom is saying something, I feel bad that I'm not one of them. So, hi. :)

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

LOL HI THERE LITTLE BEAR!

[quean-of-swords.livejournal.com]

Northern Exposure, ftw.

Mostly reading this made me want to hug you. And say that having friends you can be catty with is VERY therapeutic. I have some friends from my music group. Most weeks we get together separately and share our stories/poetry with each other and spend the rest of the time making fun of and critiquing the crazy people we know and telling funny stories. It's the best ever.

That said, I'll be catty with you! It's fun and necessary to keep nice people nice. ^_^

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

OMG I HAVE FOUND SO MANY THINGS TO BE CATTY ABOUT THIS WEEK, IT'S AWESOME. I'M ALREADY WORKING ON TOMORROW'S ENTRY.

*huggles*

OMG CICELY, IKR?

[sanginmychains.livejournal.com]

I could use a bitch buddy, too. I more or less like a bunch of people I know and hang with, but almost everyone eventually looks at me with that look that says they're not going to actually say anything about it, but they just think I'm a bit too much. You know that look? Fuck that, I'm not too much, I'm too much for YOU. (Them, I mean.)

Is it unsolicited advice if I share with you that I felt bountifully confident at 15 months that my child would be fully potty trained soon, and that she only actually gave up nighttime pull-ups when she was 4 and a half? (And daytime ones when she was...3 and three quarters?) I'm only implying the advice of "be patient, don't worry" which is hardly more advice than a sympathetic smile. I hope. Really not out to alienate or offend. Most everyone I know with kids has said that, whenever and however it happens, it's a process of leaps and fallbacks, and it's kinda frustrating.

Now I will kvetch about your friend and her advice. Children expressing that they're sad isn't bad behaviour that needs to be corrected. For fuck's sake. Hello, welcome to the roots of my raging anxiety disorder that I only got over when I was 28 or so. Don't fucking do that to a kid. Not that you are, clearly. Man that attitude gets my goat.

My house is a wreck. We kind of want to sell, but even thinking about doing that often gets stymied at the "we'd have to clean...no, really clean...then paint...but first clean...ech." phase of things.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the fact of the matter about potty training is that I'm probably the most relaxed about it. I'm steady, but I'm not worried. It feels like everyone else but me and the pediatrician is. LOL. And the whole comforting sulking thing? Sometimes she's overly sensitive, and I have to be careful of that when I scold her. Oh well.

OMG THE BITCHINESS. I'm such a bitch. Hahahaha but I can't take it. I can just dish it out. It's like how I cook for everyone but I never eat anything I make.