Recipe and food porn: The Croissandwich
Sep. 9th, 2009 02:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amand_rI was just thinking about how I don't cook anymore, because the one person who would have eaten it isn't here anymore, and I don't eat my own cooking (I have no appetite for it. It's not that it sucks or anything), and I don't eat leftovers. So I have been doing a lot of prepackaged foods and tuna salad and veg (mostly the veg and the egg salad.).
But I got mad skills, yo. I can flash fry a duck. I got knife skillz. I got…uhm, this steamer:
I included the cereal box so you could see how HUGE IT IS. I USE IT, TOO. PEEPS HAVE SEEN IT IN ACTION!
So, in honor of how Tom Colicchio I used to be (now I'm more Padma, ROWR), I present a new culinary adventure (since everyone is doing it these days):
Gather your ingredients: fresh croissants, eggs, a cheese of your choice (we suggest a sharp cheddar or if you are in the mood for something spicier, a pepper cheese), and your meat of choice (hand made sausage from the foothills of some mountain village in Bavaria)
Gather your (un)willing sous chef:
Assemble your cooking materials (pan, wooden spoon, etc):
Stop: Hammertime
Do this:
Prep your workstation. Flour your surface and shit:
Lay out your ingredients:
Slice croissant with a bread knife and generously butter. Set aside.
Heat skillet. Fry meat of choice. Set aside:
Beat eggs with small amount of milk and salt. In same skillet, cook egg, omelet style:
Toast croissant in warm oven, butter side down. Remove from heat and layer croissant with cooked egg, sausage, and cheese of your choice:
Garnish as desired (this is an industrial sin, and the chef will laugh at you):
Note—some first time chefs think to improve upon the croissandwich by adding more meant than is necessary. Do not make this mistake:
If you wish, you may use the skillet to create a side dish, but that is not necessary:
Repeat actions to make as many croissandwiches as you desire:
Croissandwiches actually need to sit so that the heat melts the cheese, so press lightly on the croissant top and cover with a tea towel. Possibly set the plate on the warm stove:
This is a good time to set your table. Beverage selection is key. We suggest a 1927 Chateau la Fete, but 1954 will work, too:
Your sous chef might also take this time to finish the side dishes that you are preparing to go with it (Waldorf salad, Peacock brains garnished with honey covered ants, thinly sliced Bagelfuls, etc):
You might also want to consider pudding and/or bitters/aperitifs:
At this time, you should check the croissandwiches for cheese meltage. Occasionally, they don't marry as well as they should, and to avoid sogginess, you might want to gently warm them in an oven set to low:
Take the time to give Burger King the finger, because they don't sell breakfast after 10:30 am:
Be daring! Dine al fresco! We like to take our supper out on the veranda:
We like to set the table with hand made linens that we got from Dusseldorf in the great linen craze of 1845. Grace the table with a decoupage'd vase filled with lilies of the valley:
Do the dishes! Recycle what you can after dinner. Don't be an ass.
I know. I should have a fucking string of pearls.
But I got mad skills, yo. I can flash fry a duck. I got knife skillz. I got…uhm, this steamer:
I included the cereal box so you could see how HUGE IT IS. I USE IT, TOO. PEEPS HAVE SEEN IT IN ACTION!
So, in honor of how Tom Colicchio I used to be (now I'm more Padma, ROWR), I present a new culinary adventure (since everyone is doing it these days):
Gather your ingredients: fresh croissants, eggs, a cheese of your choice (we suggest a sharp cheddar or if you are in the mood for something spicier, a pepper cheese), and your meat of choice (hand made sausage from the foothills of some mountain village in Bavaria)
Gather your (un)willing sous chef:
Assemble your cooking materials (pan, wooden spoon, etc):
Stop: Hammertime
Do this:
Prep your workstation. Flour your surface and shit:
Lay out your ingredients:
Slice croissant with a bread knife and generously butter. Set aside.
Heat skillet. Fry meat of choice. Set aside:
Beat eggs with small amount of milk and salt. In same skillet, cook egg, omelet style:
Toast croissant in warm oven, butter side down. Remove from heat and layer croissant with cooked egg, sausage, and cheese of your choice:
Garnish as desired (this is an industrial sin, and the chef will laugh at you):
Note—some first time chefs think to improve upon the croissandwich by adding more meant than is necessary. Do not make this mistake:
If you wish, you may use the skillet to create a side dish, but that is not necessary:
Repeat actions to make as many croissandwiches as you desire:
Croissandwiches actually need to sit so that the heat melts the cheese, so press lightly on the croissant top and cover with a tea towel. Possibly set the plate on the warm stove:
This is a good time to set your table. Beverage selection is key. We suggest a 1927 Chateau la Fete, but 1954 will work, too:
Your sous chef might also take this time to finish the side dishes that you are preparing to go with it (Waldorf salad, Peacock brains garnished with honey covered ants, thinly sliced Bagelfuls, etc):
You might also want to consider pudding and/or bitters/aperitifs:
At this time, you should check the croissandwiches for cheese meltage. Occasionally, they don't marry as well as they should, and to avoid sogginess, you might want to gently warm them in an oven set to low:
Take the time to give Burger King the finger, because they don't sell breakfast after 10:30 am:
Be daring! Dine al fresco! We like to take our supper out on the veranda:
We like to set the table with hand made linens that we got from Dusseldorf in the great linen craze of 1845. Grace the table with a decoupage'd vase filled with lilies of the valley:
Do the dishes! Recycle what you can after dinner. Don't be an ass.
I know. I should have a fucking string of pearls.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2009-09-09 07:20 pm (UTC)~Goddesstar
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Date: 2009-09-09 07:21 pm (UTC)My only regret was that I took close ups of our sandwiches artfully arranged on the papers and everything, but they somehow got bahleeted.
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Date: 2009-09-09 07:24 pm (UTC)Also, there should be a Food Network show for this. With Alton Brown as your co-host.
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Date: 2009-09-09 07:36 pm (UTC)Alton will be all logical and provide facts about the places we viti and stuff, and I'll just be like, "USE THE TOUCH SCREEN. NO EXTRA KETCHUP, ALTON."
Our show will be called, "I WANT THAT" and the logo will be a finger pointing to a touch screen.
Hmmmm.
From:Re: Hmmmm.
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Date: 2009-09-09 07:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-09 07:31 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-09-09 07:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-09 07:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-09 07:40 pm (UTC)PEACOCK BRAINS YES.
BAGELFULS NO. NO NO NO.
This was hilarious!
Croissantz? Schmuffin? WTF???
HOW DID YOU KNOW I HAD LILIES PRESENT WITH MY BAGEL FULS? ARE YOU WATCHING ME.
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Date: 2009-09-09 07:42 pm (UTC)I NEED THOSE LIKE BURNING.
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Date: 2009-09-09 08:04 pm (UTC)but what i really want to know is why MY sheetz didn't pimp frozen rootbeer floats to me when I went there yesterday for some carved roast beast. (BEASTZ in sheetzese)
also... we do not get mozzarella as a cheese choice. wtf. (although we do now have pizza) (shpizza?)
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Date: 2009-09-09 08:05 pm (UTC)I don't think we have SHEETZAAAAAAA. HERE YET.
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Date: 2009-09-09 08:05 pm (UTC)I have a string of pearls. I could loan it to you. Sometimes I curl my hair and wear perfume, too.
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Date: 2009-09-09 08:06 pm (UTC)OMG EVERYONE! BLUE-BLEU JUST OFFERED TO LOAN ME A PEARL NECKLACE! DOES YOUR WIFE KNOW ABOUT THIS??
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Date: 2009-09-09 08:21 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2009-09-09 08:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-09 08:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-09 08:27 pm (UTC)Incidentally, Subway has this bizarre liquid egg stuff that you pour into the bottom of a container and microwave so it goes fluffy and I LOVE IT.
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Date: 2009-09-09 08:27 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-09-09 08:34 pm (UTC)I am so jealous right now.
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Date: 2009-09-09 08:35 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-09-09 08:46 pm (UTC)Ha, that is the exact same program for our Subway! I love it as you don't have to try and explain what you want, your 'finger' does the talking for you.
Well, mostly. Except you get cookies and not hash browns. Although, BK hashbites are really good..
Your kid is really adorable, you know that? She is an excellent sous chef :D
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Date: 2009-09-09 08:53 pm (UTC)My kid enjoyed eating the fruits of out labor!
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Date: 2009-09-09 08:48 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2009-09-09 09:32 pm (UTC)I so cannot wait for the writeup of the Wallow Weekend. You will be doing one, won't you? I suppose I should actually post my own pix, the few I stopped giggling long enough to take :) You need the MEGA POST-ITs!
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Date: 2009-09-10 01:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-09 09:34 pm (UTC)Anyway... was that a Wawa? We don't have them around here (NYC), but I've seen them in Jersey, and the automated thing looked like fun.
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Date: 2009-09-10 01:01 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-09-10 01:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-09 09:55 pm (UTC)Isn't writing about cooking and food FUN?
What's next on the menu?
This made me hungry.
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Date: 2009-09-10 01:02 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2009-09-09 10:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-09 11:01 pm (UTC)mmm.
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Date: 2009-09-09 10:28 pm (UTC)I had no idea you were so Klassy.
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Date: 2009-09-10 01:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-09 11:03 pm (UTC)2. your kid's expression in the first picture is hilarious. Like "this again? really?"
3. I love it when recipes come with step by step, illustrated directions. Thank you muchly!
4. I enjoyed the croissanwich vicariously, as I can't eat that stuff anymore.
ETA 5. HOW COULD I FORGET you can FLASH FRY A DUCK???
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Date: 2009-09-10 01:04 am (UTC)(no subject)
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