'a' is for amy, who fell down the stairs.

[amand_r]

I spent yesterday procrastinating and writing and finishing my crimmas cards, which, if I do say so myself, are pretty fucking funny. I'll post them sometime closer to the holiday, because they need to be shared.

But I get ahead of myself! Today!

1. First holiday writing deadline has been reached. I feel a sense of inner calm. Or panic. Calm and panic are the same thing, right? Like Jedward? Or syphilis=the clap? Holy shit, maybe I've gone plaid.

2. I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT CRIMMAS IS THE TIME OF YEAR IN WHICH WE GIVE PRESENTS. MOTHER FUCKER. EYE STABBY. ALSO, I HAVE TO BUY MY KID BIRTHDAY PRESENTS. I cannot wait until she is old enough so we can do it the easy way:

Me: What do you want for your birthday?
Her: (something age inappropriate)
Me: Try again.
Her: (something I am ethically opposed to. For those of you playing the home game, these are few and far between, so she's probably just asked for her own hooker or a Bratz doll. Possibly a box of crack.)
Me: It's funny. Your mouth is making noise, but none of the sounds coming out of it are forming understandable words.
Her: (something hideously expensive, akin to an iPod or a painting made by Paris Hilton's dog.)
Me: Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to give you this thirty-dollar gift certificate to X.
Her: Score.
Me: I'm glad we have these moments.
Her: Yeah.
Me: Let's hug.
Her: Okay.
(cue sitcom music)

3. Over at IJ, daily_deviant is kicking off their pron/kink-filled gift exchange fest, so go on over and read something hideously filthy, if you're into Harry Potter. I wrote one, but they're anon, so I can't say which. You might guess anyway. But yeah. Okay.



4. HOLY SHIT WHEN I WAS IN KANSAS, TWO THINGS HAPPENED:

a) My kid wore her shiny pink John Barrowman skinny pants, and she was FANTASTIC FANTASTIC FANTASTIC.
b) My kid took a knee into a cactus. In the shiny Barrowman pants, which are now filled with tiny invisible spines. I am pretty sure that even if I wash them, the spines will be lurking in the pants like fiberglass shreds. So yeah, that might have been the only run. BUT I HAVE PICTURES:


I call this her "shocked Britney" expression.


And a little snarl for mommy.

5. I HAVE EATEN A POMEGRANATE FOR THE FIRST TIME. Honest to god, it's just never seemed the place or time, and I've never bought one for myself and managed to eat it. I am always thwarted. It's a mass conspiracy (It's funny how my pomegranate story is much like most people's anal sex story, and my anal sex story is probably like most people's pomegranate stories. Huh. TMI.). Well, last week, I snagged some of my sister-in-law's, and it was not nearly as messy as I was led to believe, and also? I'm going to hell for a long time because I ate all the seeds. Hopefully Hades is a hottie, and not like…James Woods or something. Imma buy me a bunch of them at the sto' (Wow, even the second half of that story could be read with sex goggles on. We should run an experiment to see how many things can me taken sexually. That's what she said.).

6. I have a confession. I know that Sam Walton and Wal-Mart is the devil, people, but CostCo isn't much better, and they are a billion miles away, so I'm going to get me a Sam's Club membership. I felt like I had to confess that, because I feel bad about supporting the man, but I use my parents' one anyway, so I might as well be honest about it. I like 30-dollar boxes of diapers. And those mozzarella-prosciutto rolls that you get in the deli. Don't judge until you've eaten one of those and had to floss.

And they are the only place that sells Super Rope. For those of you reading from yesterday, this is also HOW THEY GET YA. I bet Sam's has bulk pomegranates. Holy fuck, I wonder if they have bulk Bagelfuls.

7. BETTY WHITE, YOU ARE ONE CRAZY AWESOME LADY.

8. blue_fjords continues to be the best person in the universe by sending me this last night when I was feeling low for spanking my kid before bedtime. Srsly, people, it was RIDIC, last night.

9. OKAY. I have tried to explain the blue liquor laws of Pennsylvania to others, but it's complicated. The bottom line is, you cannot buy beer in a store, pretty much. If I want a six pack, I better hope there's a bar open somewhere or a distributor, in which case I have to buy a case. Forties are hard to find, and buying a single can of beer is unheard of. That said, SHEETZ has had a few experimental convenience stores that have been selling six packs with much success. Now they're trying to petition lawmakers to reexamine the sale of beer in stores. Normally, I think online petitions are shite, but when one is sponsored by a big chain, I think we might be able to get something done.

http://www.freemybeer.com/

Because mommy needs Stella at 11:57 on a Tuesday night sometimes.



That is all. There aren't the droids you're looking for. There aren't the droids we're looking for. You can go about your business. You can go about your business. Move along. Move along.

Comments

[smirnoffmule.livejournal.com]

Well, last week, I snagged some of my sister-in-law's, and it was not nearly as messy as I was led to believe, and also? I'm going to hell for a long time because I ate all the seeds.

Very much exactly like my some people's anal sex stories, except for the part where it was your SIL.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

You have obviously never been to Northern Wales. Or West Virginia.

[smirnoffmule.livejournal.com]

Many times the former, and not at all the latter, though I did once meet a woman from WV in Canada who had a pillow strapped to her butt. She told me it was for the ice skating, but now I'm all suspicious.

[queenfanfiction.livejournal.com]

Sam's Club? Is awesome. :D My parents have a company membership, and now we do practically ALL our grocery shopping there. Which does mean that we're buying at the whim of their distributors, but hey, it's dirt cheap for about a month's worth of food...

Also, Number 2 started happening in our family when I was 10. Although my mum never offered certificate to X, she'd give me a piece of paper saying I OWE YOU BLANK, LOTS OF LOVE FROM MUM and then that would be it until next Christmas. :D (You can see I suck at the holiday spirit. Our family can't even do cards properly.)

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I would have been suspicious, too.

[ophymirage.livejournal.com]

was it snowing at the time?

[blue-fjords.livejournal.com]

I have so been wanting to try a pomegranate! I mean that in a rather unsexual way. I think. But, uh, I thought you were supposed to eat the seeds? Clearly I know nothing about pomegranates... take that as you will.

Those pink pants? OMG. What a goober. She is so cute. And had better be well-behaved for her bedtime tonight!

Pennsylvania is so weird. For reals. M is from PA, too. :)

And CONGRATS on finishing something!!!!

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

OMG WHEN YOU COME AGAIN, WE SHOULD EAT POMEGRANATES. (COME FOR CNY).

I don't think you should eat the seeds, like watermelon seeds, but I eat those too, so I'm the worst judge. and that was the gauge of how long Persephone was supposed to stay in hell with Hades: on month for every seed she injected (they're the fruit of the dead). I ate like, fifty, so...

[pocketmouse]

Ha ha, the last pomegranate story I ran across involved cutting it in quarters and immersing it in waters, so HELLS YEAH I'm pretty sure I don't want to hear your anal sex stories. :D

Also, I totally get the liquor thing, we have laws like that in MD and it was very very annoying where I used to live. Now I have multiple stores in walking distance! I love it!

[blue-fjords.livejournal.com]

Dude, I feel smarter just reading your comment!

THERE WILL BE EATING OF POMEGRANATES! AND VEGAN CUPCAKES!

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHA NOT EVEN I WANT TO HEAR MY ANAL SEX STORIES!

THEY NEED TO FREE MY EFFING BEER.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I WILL EAT YOUR VEGAN CUPCAKES. I HOPE YOU KNOW WHAT A SACRIFICE THAT IS FOR ME

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

They would make cute shorts! I would cut them off into either shorts or into pants just-above the knee. They are so cute!

I think I need to go read the link to what Blue sent you.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

haaahahahah it's awesome!

Yeah, those pants. I need to think of something.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

Aww surprised kitty, lol. Very cute. And so tiny!

Cut them off, then take the spine-free material and make her a cool matching headband with it. :) Capris! That is the word I was looking for--thanks googlemail sponsored links!

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

GOOGLEMAIL READS UR SUBCONSCIOUS.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

Why does it think I am thinking about Brazilian Fitness Wear then? :)

I swear I am not thinking about that!

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

AY PAPI!

[cyprinella]

I'm from Michigan so all of the east coast/Mid-Atlantic liquor laws are bizarre. However, PA does take the cake. I hope they change that stuff up for you soon.

We go to BJ's which is not quite as evil as Sam's and it's called BJ's. I mean, come on.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

HAAAHAHAHAH BJ. SUPERB.

[cyprinella]

One day we went to BJ's and then we went to Dick's. SRSLY.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

HAAAHAHAHAHAH THEN YOU SHOULD GO TO HOOTERS.

[phaetonschariot.livejournal.com]

I was wondering what "ate all the seeds" was an anal sex metaphor for.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I'LL LEAVE THAT TO YOU.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I like to get loo roll from there. And super ropes.