amand_r: (torchwood/tack+tardisOTP)
[personal profile] amand_r
Title: Aliens Made Them Do It, in the SUV, Solo! (aka, THREE PORNS!)
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Team (including Suzie)
Pairings: Tosh/Owen, Jack/Suzie, Owen/Suzie, Myfanwy/Myfanwy
Rating: NC-17
Author's Notes: These were for [livejournal.com profile] 51stcenturyfox's and [livejournal.com profile] andreth47's comment porn battle
Summary: Porns, but the first one is sad. The last one is, thankfully, bereft of graphic porning.



Tosh bent over the waist-high partition and braced herself with a vice grip on the slick tiles, watching Jack on the other side as he grasped Suzie's ass and shoved farther into her. Suzie's hair was plastered onto her face, her neck, and her mouth bit into Jack's shoulder with quite a bit of force. Jack had buried his face into her neck, but Tosh could see his eyes screwed shut, his face grimacing. He hadn't been particularly happy when Owen had accidentally sprayed them all with the mist from the canister. In fact, he had screamed something obscene and all but dragged Suzie down to the drenching showers, Owen and Tosh in tow.

Now, Owen thrust harder into Tosh, his hands on her waist, so fast and frantic that she didn't really have time to do more than hold on to the wall and wonder when he'd be done. She'd come already; she hadn't been able to help herself, and the drug had flushed out of her system with the orgasm. Soon they would all be standing here in the showers, naked and sober and wondering who would talk first. Owen would dispense morning-after pills to her and Suzie (or just to her. She'd never seen the point of the taking the pill when she wasn't sexually active, but Suzie was on Depo). Jack would ask for one too, and Owen would roll his eyes.

Suzie screamed in Jack's ear, and his head jerked back with the volume of it. His eyes cast about and met with Tosh's; she had been able to watch them the entire time, and so she knew that Jack had already come, and his sole task for the past thirty seconds had been devoted to getting Suzie off so that this could all be over. Once Suzie was finished, then Owen was the only one left. Tosh was a little embarrassed that she had been the first one to come, but that was so far down on her list of things to be concerned about regarding this situation that she dismissed it as soon as she thought of it.

Owen came in one last thrust, stuttering a little, his voice saying something about 'fucking tight,' and she lowered her head and swallowed a little, waiting for him to slide out, but he just cupped her breasts and leaned on her back, breathing heavily.

"Jesus," he muttered, placing one kiss on her shoulder blades, the only one he'd given her. "Jesus, Tosh."

She imagined that if anything positive might come out of this, Owen might look on her a little more kindly, maybe catch on to the hints that she laid about going on a date. Because it wasn't supposed to be like this—he'd seen her naked before, but that had been for medical reasons, or in the showers when they were more concerned with getting corrosive alien spit off them. She wished that once, just once, they could do this for real. She couldn't help but think that their first time wasn't supposed to be like this.

Owen slid out of her and she could right herself, fingers pressing her up. Her ribcage was sore, and she was going to have a bruise. She spared another inappropriate moment to thank god (or whomever she thought of as God) that she wasn't menstruating; she couldn't have imagined taking the time out of the rush of pheromones to remove a tampon.

Jack lowered Suzie to the floor of the shower and turned a nozzle on her so that it beat down on her back. Then he moved further down to a free spray and lathered himself up. Tosh could still see him frowning. "Owen, the next time I tell you not to touch something, no matter how medical it looks, no matter how shiny it is, don't fucking touch it." Jack rarely swore, and so Tosh understood that this was his code for how angry he was.

Owen's only response to that was a grunt, and then, "Wow," he said, soaping himself up and closing his eyes. Suzie was still sitting on the floor on the other side, but she was smiling and making eyes at Jack as if she had never seen him before.

"Yeah," Tosh echoed. She took the soap from the dispenser and rolled it in her hands.

Owen opened his eyes and shuddered. "That was mad. Let's never do that again."

Jack's eyes caught Tosh's, and she had to look away, because the last thing she wanted to see in them was what they told her.





They said they were out getting it washed and waxed. The previous day, Owen had spilled an entire can of some energy drink on the bonnet, and it had eaten into Ianto's wax job, and the look he had got when they'd come back from the field had made him fear for his life when the coffee was set in front of him. His instincts had been proven right when, after eyeing the steaming cup, he'd stuttered out an offer to go get the car professionally cleaned, and Ianto had whisked the coffee off his desk, simply saying, "You don't want that. I'll get you a fresh one."

Jack had handed over the keys with a wry smile that either said, 'Smart move escaping the laxative coffee,' or 'Don't do anything I wouldn't do.' Perhaps both.

Anyway. Right. The car was sliding down the automated rollers, and the brushes were swiping the sides. Waves of foam rolled down the windows and Suzie's hand was in his pants, her fingers sinfully working his foreskin, her mouth attached to his in a manner that made him wonder just how many different simultaneous directions she could turn her spine. He had his hands under her shirt, but he had to pull back when she lowered her mouth to his crotch, her free hand twisting the undone seatbelt around and around her wrist as if she wanted to anchor herself there. The buckle finally stopped her, and he watched, a little fascinated, as her fingers asphyxiated into pink and then red while her tongue worked his cock, woah, tongue and a little teeth.

He wasn't sure just when he came, because both of his hands were wrapped in Suzie's hair when the car came out of the wash, and the steering wheel, which had recently been straight, was at an angle. As soon as the car left the conveyor, it began to listlessly roll to the left sharply, and Owen had to tug his hands back out of Suzie's hair just as she swallowed around his cock, the back of her tongue laving the side in a way that made him wonder if she was also part cat.

The cat thing was a little creepy.

"Park it," she said when she came up for air, and then he was skidding the SUV into the spot farthest from the wash, farthest from anyone, and hiking up her skirt as she laid back against the bucket seat, pulling the recline lever. He crawled into the foot space, thinking that all this could have been easier it they would just move to the backseat, but when Suzie was in the mood, delaying was not a wise option.

He didn't even bother pulling down her knickers, just yanked with two fingers, pulling them aside from her crotch and burying his nose in it, smelling the wetness of her, soft curls brushing his chin when he lapped at her clit, tongue delving into her off and on, his other hand pressing and rubbing wherever his mouth wasn't at the moment. Suzie reached back with one arm and grabbed the headrest, her other petting him, purring, saying things like "oh god, slow down, no, wait, yeah, yeah there, oh Jesus, no. Oh right there, pet." One of her feet flipped over his shoulder and propped itself up on the dashboard.

He brought her off with his fingers, his tongue lazy, tip of it swirling about her clit, mouth clipping the labia in little grabs –he didn't like teeth nearly as much as she did—before pressing a few insincere kisses against her thighs and crawling back to his side of the front.

"So, this thing we're doing," he said as they pulled out and away from the wash, clothing replaced, sitting side by side, buckled up, back windows down to air out the smell. If there was an odour, Jack would say something about it, and then they'd have to deny it, and Tosh would make moon eyes at them, and Ianto would hose the interior down in industrial air freshener, and Jesus, what a bother all that would be.

Suzie glanced away from him, out the window, her fingernails in her mouth. How there even were fingernails to bite anymore was beyond him. "What thing?"

He rolled his eyes. "This thing in which we find excuses to shag in the SUV. I can't keep offering to wash and detail the car."

Suzie shrugged and settled further back into her seat. "Then don't."

Owen watched her as they made their way back to the Hub, furtive glances that she had to know that he was making. He was more bloody obvious than some teenaged girl, for god's sake. Not, in, well, in a romantic way, but fuck, Suzie was hot and cold. One minute she'd got her fingers in his arse, and the next she was dousing him with a fire extinguisher. Not metaphorically speaking, of course.

"Torchwood has other cars," Suzie told him, her mouth quirking in a grin when she turned away from the window, one of her bitten down hands reaching for his on the gear shift. "We never use them. I'm sure they're all filthy."

Owen laughed, but it wasn't very confident; not even he was fooled.





Jack watched Ianto crawl up to Myfanwy's nest with the hesitancy of one who was sure they were about to be killed. He would have volunteered to do it himself, but Ianto was new, and according to Suzie and Owen, still being hazed as part of his initiation to Torchwood Three. Jack had hired Ianto in haste, without consulting any of them, and he wasn't about to be hazed by those two, for God's sake. He was the boss.

Besides, Emily and Alice had 'hazed' him plenty a hundred years ago, and not in the 'funny ha ha silly string' way.

Ianto was taking it well, too, the hazing, what with the plant with the sex pollen, and the hidden cache of rotting fish in the old percolator, and the one time Owen had left the parking break off the car too early while Ianto was still trying to get the jack out from under the SUV. Oh, and that thing with the 'Official Torchwood Teaboy' banner that they had hung in the Tourist Centre until Ianto had removed it and crisply and unruffledly pointed out that it was a gross breach of security. Jack had had to give them the lecture about SECRET FUCKING ORGANISATION, and then Owen had said something cheeky about the logo on the SUV and Jack had kicked them all out of the conference room except for Ianto (and Tosh, because Tosh was always okay), and the three of them had eaten lunch companionably while Suzie and Owen fumed down on the sofa, cartons of take away balanced on their knees.

Besides, it was a pterodactyl. Whatever.

The knocking noises had started after Myfanwy's feeding time yesterday, and they had been going on off and on, followed or coupled with screeching and guttural growls and howls all evening. They'd stopped when everyone went home for the night, but they had just started again after lunch today, and they were driving Suzie and Tosh batshit. Jack crossed his arms and watched Ianto's figure disappear into the cave-like hole that they'd decided would be the best place for her once they'd acclimated her to the Hub.

His wing tips were the last thing to go, and Jack glanced over to Owen as he sidled up next to him; they stared up at the cave, listening as the squeals and banging stopped, followed by what Jack could tell was Ianto's 'please-don't-kill-me-have-some-chocolate' song and dance, and then an even louder set of shrieks, some of which were suspiciously human sounding. One of Ianto's arms shot out of the hole and waved a bit before pulling itself back in, and then Ianto's left leg came into view, groping for the ladder frantically, followed by his right, and then, quickly, the rest of him. Ianto took the ladder two rungs at a time and then slid down the sides for the last three.

"What the hell was that?" Jack asked. The screaming had subsided a little, and the knocking had resumed. It was something wooden, or something wood on metal, maybe. It was still very irritating. They had to do something about that, because it would soon drive him crazy too. After all, he lived here.

Ianto inched back to the grating over the pool, his left leg moving stiffly, as if it had been pulled. He looked relatively unharmed, if one didn't take into consideration his colouring.

Ianto was red. And as he stammered a little bit in response to Jack's question, jaw working in a fish-like rather clueless stunned gaping expression, it was hard to believe that he could get redder; but there it was, spreading up over the already pink cheeks, and his eyes blinked in rapid fire, as if he was trying to process disturbing information quickly so as to get past it as rapidly as possible. Jack knew that feeling, though he usually experienced it when flipping through telly channels.

"She—" Ianto glanced back at the cave, his hands spread in a universal shrug. "Well, she…she's fine," he finished. Then he went about tidying Tosh's workspace, despite that it was pretty much spotless. Whatever he'd seen had unnerved him.

"She was what?" Owen asked, leaning on the railing. "Was she wanking or something?"

Jack watched Ianto freeze and knew that they'd hit the jackpot. "The dinosaur is masturbating up there?" he asked, feeling the grin on his face.

Owen scoffed. "Naw. Birds don't masturbate."

"Yes they do," Suzie said as she breezed by with her welding gear, not stopping to chat. Jack admired her work ethic, but really, a wanking dinosaur? Come on. This deserved a moment's consideration. Well, maybe a few seconds' consideration.

Owen raised his brows and Ianto continued to clear things from Tosh's desk that Tosh was probably going to miss when she got back from the toilet. Like her mouse.

"Colour me surprised," Owen admitted, his face scrunching in distaste.

Jack left his perch on the catwalk and eased his way over to the ladder that led to Myfanwy's nest.

"Oi!" Owen called. "Keep your hands to yourself, Harkness! She's a lady!"

He smiled. "One, I'm just curious. Two, there are some things even I won't do. Three, no one with table manners like hers is a lady."

Something smacked him in the back of the head and he barely had time to turn around and fumble it from the air before he almost dropped it in the tower pool. It was a bar of Cadbury Milk. He waved it at Ianto suspiciously.

"Is this from my office?"

Ianto shrugged. "We've run out, sir. I think you'll find that your chances of getting out of there alive are better if you have it. Sacrifice," he added, "for the good of the Empire?"

Jack sighed and pocketed the bar. No one cared about his serotonin levels…

He climbed up the last few rungs softly, listening to the squeals and thumping that seemed so much more filthy now that he knew what was going on up there. His head finally gave him a view of what was happening in the giant dinosaur cave.

"Wow."

Date: 2009-05-18 08:44 pm (UTC)
hope: Art of a woman writing from tour poster (suzie costello)
From: [personal profile] hope
These three all have such different tones but are all bloody awesome! Tosh is still ouchy, Owen sharp and so very Torchwood (Suzie, yay), and Myfanwy hilarious!

I am just polishing up mine to post properly now, you've reminded me to get back to it by posting *g*

Date: 2009-05-18 08:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amand-r.livejournal.com
That's right! Get back to it!

Hee! Thanks! This was awesome porn weekend!

Date: 2009-05-18 09:54 pm (UTC)
hope: Art of a woman writing from tour poster (jack's back)
From: [personal profile] hope
Done! It was a pretty good weekend. There should be multiple challenges on all the time. Half the reason I wrote porn was to procrastinate writing my flashfic!

Date: 2009-05-19 12:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amand-r.livejournal.com
Ha ha ha! I have like three things to do, and all of them are well over 40k fics (and two are HP fests with deadlines) and yet! Torchwood porn! Yay!

Date: 2009-05-18 10:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kickair8p.livejournal.com
1) ouchy, 2) ouchy, 3) gigglefit! (In general, I prefer gigglefits to ouchies. Liked that one!)

Technically this isn't the bodyswapper, so I don't owe you more FK/WW fic yet. Which is a good thing, 'cause I haven't written much more. It's embarrassing to claim "RL's gotten busy" to someone raising a kid, but there you go. Still working on it, though!

~

Date: 2009-05-19 12:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amand-r.livejournal.com
Thanks!

OMG YOU HAVE TIME, because I finally plotted out the bodyswapping fic, and I'm only 1/3 of the way done, as far as writing goes. and I'm at 22k words. It's a mammoth!

Date: 2009-05-19 09:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] owensheart.livejournal.com
*Grins* WOW, you learn something new every day.
Loved all three fics

Date: 2009-05-19 03:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amand-r.livejournal.com
Yeah? I done learned you something? LOL!

Thank you for reading! I am glad that you liked it/them!

Date: 2009-05-19 01:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] unovis-lj.livejournal.com
Not only are you making me read Torchwood, evil woman, you're making me read HET. Though Owen het is on my extremely short list, so.

I love the Tosh story, that Jack and Tosh have another awful moment of connection, that Owen and Suzie are the sexual aggressors-holdouts, and that nothing really fits. I loved the TW team best when they were at their most dysfunctional.

In the SUV story, I like vicious Suzie, so her contorting around Owen like a snake worked for me. The cramped front seat area works too, better than the roomy rear.

And there isn't enough pteradactyl whacking-off crack. Trying not to think of that bill, the webby wings, and those clawed feet.

Why is TW-dum not throwing you a parade?

Date: 2009-05-19 03:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amand-r.livejournal.com
I MADE U READ TEH HETS ONOES.

Heh. I hadn't thought about Suzie and Owen being the sexual holdouts, just just seemed to fir with their characters for reasons that I didn't really think about. Now that you point it out, it does make more sense.

Why is TW-dum not throwing you a parade?

They are. Inside.

Re the wanking Pterosaur

Date: 2009-05-19 11:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tazlet.livejournal.com
Cue fevered imagination -- Myfanwy looking deeply into Jack's eyes, as he pops through the hatch, and hissing softly (in pre-cambrian or whatever), "Ah, sweet mystery of life at last I've found you." Does she prefer Dairy Milk or Fruit and Nut? (with Jack she gets both).

Re: Re the wanking Pterosaur

Date: 2009-05-20 02:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amand-r.livejournal.com
Jack loving strokes her beak. "You know, I had a girlfriend once who looked a lot like you." Myfanwy squaks. "Well, not exactly like you," Jack amends quickly. "I mean, she was two-legged and she didn't have scales, and she wasn't a dinosaur and she was pretty much a human, so, well, no, I guess she didn't look like you," he finishes. "I think you just eat lambchops the same way."

Myfanwy is easy to woo, if you have Mo's Bacon Bar (http://www.vosgeschocolate.com/category/bacon_and_chocolate).

Date: 2009-09-07 01:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wynkat1313.livejournal.com
rolf... um squick.. and ouch... in reverse order. Love Myfanwy even more, dislike Suzie even more. Still debating about Owen and why oh why didn't Jack let the alien box stuff work out on Tosh? That would at least have been fun for both of them! *pout*

Date: 2009-09-07 04:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amand-r.livejournal.com
How can you hate Suze?? I love the Suze! We need more Suzie fic!

I am glad you liked the fics! I liked the Myfanwy one the best, actually.

Date: 2009-09-07 05:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wynkat1313.livejournal.com
errr... Paladin streak I guess. I dont do well with chaos people. Tricksters like Jack I like lots, but that chaos thing just squicks me every time. Sorry.

Oh yes, liked the fics a lot and have been having fun reading other stuff on your master list :)

Date: 2009-09-07 05:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amand-r.livejournal.com
It's okay. I just don't think of her as a character like that. But that's why writing and reading fic is so fun!

I see you cutting a swatch through my list! LOL! Thanks!

Date: 2009-10-14 01:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] adina-atl.livejournal.com
A wanking pteradactyl is an image my brain did NOT need! *grin*

Date: 2009-10-14 01:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amand-r.livejournal.com
IT WAS NON GRAPHIC!

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I RESEARCHED THIS AND BIRDS MASTURBATE.

PICTURE THAT.

HEE.

Thanks so much for your comments! :D

Date: 2010-02-07 03:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nancybrown.livejournal.com
*dying and is dead from lol*

Date: 2010-02-07 03:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amand-r.livejournal.com
HAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH

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