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amand_rI was pretty much against telling the birth story, but you know.
So I went in on Monday at 7 am for the induction, which of course means that the night before I slept very little. Blah blah nice room, blah blah, mum squeeing all over the pediatric equipment and its titchiness, yak yak hospital food puke. So they decided to start me on this cardboard strip attached to a string, which was irritating because it didn't do anything despite that I had to wear the fetal monitors and was apparently having contractions. It wasn't until later in the afternoon that I started to feel anything.
The room is dark.
Me: Mum? Anyone?
Mum: Tee hee hee…*snorgle*
Me: Are you playing with the ventilation bag again?
Mum: It's so wee!
My blood pressure was low as hell, and my iron was 8 and 28. Apparently normal iron is 12, so there was talk of an eventual transfusion. They started me on fluids and talked a great deal about pitocin, and finally broke my water at midnight and started the drug carnival. Yay! There was stadol and I think I watched The Boondocks under the influence; it was the best episode EVAR.
Mum: Do you want a Krispy Kreme?
Me: Yes please.
Mum: You know you'll probably throw it up.
Me: Yes please.
By 8 am on the second day, I got an epidural because I hadn't slept all night and the Stadol made me puke up all the blow-pops I had ingested the evening before. I have vomited many times in my life, and I can tell you that artificially flavored grape vomit isn't as unpleasant as one might think.
I slept through the morning, but blahblah pain, the biggest problem I had was the pressure. Lo and behold, I wasn't dilating very quickly and by one or two, I was only 5 centimeters. There was talk (in which I was not involved, though by that time I would have welcomed it) of a C-Section.
Dr. Fast and Loose: So, if we don't see more progress in the next few hours, we'll do a C-Section.
Me: Hrgurgle.
Dr. Fast and Loose: I'll be back in an hour, and let's see if we can't get more progress.
Me: I'll work on that.
Dr. Fast and Loose: I'll leave this car jack here for you.
Apparently I was afraid of the C-Section more than anything else, because in a few agonizing hours (the pain of which I have completely blocked out. Dood, is that amnesia awesome or what?), I was almost fully dilated. The nurse had me push a little until Dr. F&L skidded in and we were ready to go. I only had to push for about fifteen minutes, but VK's head was HUGE, so the Dr. wanted to use the vacuum.
Dr. Fast and Loose: Hrm. Get the vacuum.
Mum: Did you hear that?
Me: (pushes)
Dr. Fast and Loose: Woah woah hold on a second!
Because I wasn't having a child with a hoover attachment stuck to its head. The head was delivered, but the cord was wrapped around her neck twice. The doctor cut the cord, then delivered the shoulders and body. Blah blah crying apgar scale epistiotimy stitches, ice in panties, la la la. She weighed 8.1 lbs and was 20.5 inches. The delivery wasn't half so shocking as the moment the next day when I was alone with her and realized that I hadn't changed a diaper in fifteen years.
Since then, she has outgrown all of her newborn sleepers and gained three pounds. She likes to scratch herself in the face, and she's about to start smiling. She has decided that she likes baths, until I start to wash her hair. She likes the blow dryer and the musical stacker on her changing table. Mum says that she is going to call her Joan instead of Grandma.
Mum: (in a Scottish accent) She has a HUGE CRANIUM.
Me: Hrm.
Mum: It holds her gigantor brain.
Me: It's where she keeps her math.
So I went in on Monday at 7 am for the induction, which of course means that the night before I slept very little. Blah blah nice room, blah blah, mum squeeing all over the pediatric equipment and its titchiness, yak yak hospital food puke. So they decided to start me on this cardboard strip attached to a string, which was irritating because it didn't do anything despite that I had to wear the fetal monitors and was apparently having contractions. It wasn't until later in the afternoon that I started to feel anything.
The room is dark.
Me: Mum? Anyone?
Mum: Tee hee hee…*snorgle*
Me: Are you playing with the ventilation bag again?
Mum: It's so wee!
My blood pressure was low as hell, and my iron was 8 and 28. Apparently normal iron is 12, so there was talk of an eventual transfusion. They started me on fluids and talked a great deal about pitocin, and finally broke my water at midnight and started the drug carnival. Yay! There was stadol and I think I watched The Boondocks under the influence; it was the best episode EVAR.
Mum: Do you want a Krispy Kreme?
Me: Yes please.
Mum: You know you'll probably throw it up.
Me: Yes please.
By 8 am on the second day, I got an epidural because I hadn't slept all night and the Stadol made me puke up all the blow-pops I had ingested the evening before. I have vomited many times in my life, and I can tell you that artificially flavored grape vomit isn't as unpleasant as one might think.
I slept through the morning, but blahblah pain, the biggest problem I had was the pressure. Lo and behold, I wasn't dilating very quickly and by one or two, I was only 5 centimeters. There was talk (in which I was not involved, though by that time I would have welcomed it) of a C-Section.
Dr. Fast and Loose: So, if we don't see more progress in the next few hours, we'll do a C-Section.
Me: Hrgurgle.
Dr. Fast and Loose: I'll be back in an hour, and let's see if we can't get more progress.
Me: I'll work on that.
Dr. Fast and Loose: I'll leave this car jack here for you.
Apparently I was afraid of the C-Section more than anything else, because in a few agonizing hours (the pain of which I have completely blocked out. Dood, is that amnesia awesome or what?), I was almost fully dilated. The nurse had me push a little until Dr. F&L skidded in and we were ready to go. I only had to push for about fifteen minutes, but VK's head was HUGE, so the Dr. wanted to use the vacuum.
Dr. Fast and Loose: Hrm. Get the vacuum.
Mum: Did you hear that?
Me: (pushes)
Dr. Fast and Loose: Woah woah hold on a second!
Because I wasn't having a child with a hoover attachment stuck to its head. The head was delivered, but the cord was wrapped around her neck twice. The doctor cut the cord, then delivered the shoulders and body. Blah blah crying apgar scale epistiotimy stitches, ice in panties, la la la. She weighed 8.1 lbs and was 20.5 inches. The delivery wasn't half so shocking as the moment the next day when I was alone with her and realized that I hadn't changed a diaper in fifteen years.
Since then, she has outgrown all of her newborn sleepers and gained three pounds. She likes to scratch herself in the face, and she's about to start smiling. She has decided that she likes baths, until I start to wash her hair. She likes the blow dryer and the musical stacker on her changing table. Mum says that she is going to call her Joan instead of Grandma.
Mum: (in a Scottish accent) She has a HUGE CRANIUM.
Me: Hrm.
Mum: It holds her gigantor brain.
Me: It's where she keeps her math.
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no subject
Date: 2007-01-15 05:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-15 04:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-15 06:10 pm (UTC)But the kid is cute.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-15 10:06 pm (UTC)Clearly, this is my problem. I have no designated space to hold my math. Or I should write, I should have designated a new space to hold my math when it was obvious that my cranium wasn't doing the job....
I love the snippets you post. -g-
no subject
Date: 2007-01-16 06:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-16 10:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-24 03:22 am (UTC)Baby package for you and VK should be on its way soon.