Hi, fandom. So, Torchwood, huh?

[amand_r]

I don't know if I'm going to watch it. I have been spoiled.



I'm mad. But I'm mad at myself. I feel...restless and disconcerted, like my stomach is full of rats, actually. Thanks, Ianto.

I'm mad at myself for reacting in this way. I'm mad that I'm sad about a character death in a show, and the way the show unfolded in general (esp.considering tonight's developments). I'm mad that I cried. I'm even more mad that I still feel like crying, and if I had fandom peeps here to talk to I'd be weeping. I'm upset that I'm invested. I'm not supposed to be invested like this, and I don't know when it happened.

I love character death. I do it a lot in fics. Messily. I love freaking people out and being violent. I used to listen to people bemoan the deaths of beloved characters and roll my eyes.

Well, now I'm one of you, and that makes me mad.

I'm sad that I don't have anyone to cry with like this. Okay, the ONE time I cried at a character death, it was when Kenshin and Karou died in each other's arms at the end of Rurouni Kenshin, and they had like, TB, so you saw it coming a mile away. and Tianyu was here, and he cried with me. But he's not here, and I'm kind of feeling that, because he would be a sad panda with me.

So,what is this? My first husbandless fandom death? Probably. Maybe that's it. I should be used to a lot of things without him, and it feel like thi things I don't expect are when I need him most, and he's not here, because he understood fandom. He cried when Optimus Prime tied, for fuck's sake. Yeah, I mocked him.

So people, I feel like I should apologise for being sad. It's just fandom. It's just a character. I'm sorry if you read this LJ for the lulz, or, god help you, the RL (though you should know by now by the tags I use which posts to read). I'm sorry if I spammed you in gchat or anything, but I don't know who to talk to. I don't even know what I would say if I did have someone to talk to.

In short: SAD EMO FACE. Yeah.

NB: This is a note to all of you whom I have seen talking about how devastated you are re: CoE-- you go ahead and be horrified and sad and cry and get drunk. I fully support that. It's me that I hold to a...different standard. We always expect different, not necessarily better, of ourselves. I thought I was in better shape than this, really. I am apparently not. That's very disappointing.



I think I'll watch it while drawing post-its.

Comments

[blue-fjords.livejournal.com]

Love you! *sends huggles* Yeah, I didn't think I would react this strongly. But I have. Am writing fic. Have not watched episode yet, but have heard everything that happens.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[azarias.livejournal.com]

It's a devastating story. Ianto and ... all the rest. I don't even like kids and I don't know how to process this story. It was designed to stab a knife right in the gut.

I do not HAVE guts stories can find! I keep them hidden in a baggie in my closet. Please do not tell the stories where to find them.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

i carry your heart, clarice. I carry it in a bag.

[zomgvampires.livejournal.com]

I completely understand. It's hard to handle something as simple as a fandom-character-death when you don't have someone around to console or even make fun of you. I haven't seen it all yet, but I will write a fic and dedicate it to you. <3

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

LOL MAKE SURE THAT THERE IS BOY KISSING AND VIOLENCE.

[zomgvampires.livejournal.com]

honey...I'm a Jack/World fan.

OF COURSE there's going to be boy-kissing and violence!

And parallel universes. *evil grin*

[bethcarielle.livejournal.com]

I would like to think I'm not so invested in fandom as a whole and Torchwood specifically. But apparently I am. I've hated some of the character death decisions TPB have made over the years in various fandoms; some were painful but plot driven and others were seemingly gratuitous.

For me, character death in fic is different from on-screen. There's always another fic out there I can read where character x lives. Once they die on-screen it's more permanent. Even if they live on in fic. This thought process is becoming fuzzy.

For the record, I love your Post-Its.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

LOL. THANKS. I get what you mean about fic. Fic isn't canon. I have always respected the canon. Like, the canon makes it real. You know?

[kickair8p.livejournal.com]

"So people, I feel like I should apologise for being sad. It's just fandom. It's just a character . . ."

"It's just a TV show" is blatant hypocrisy -- TV wouldn't be a multi-billion dollar industry if people didn't emotionally invest in TV shows.

On top of that, you don't have to watch! You've already been spoiled, you know the ending's an avalanche of horrible downers. If you're not ready, don't do it. If you're never ready, that's fine too -- I may watch up to Ianto's last scene and never watch the rest.

~

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm going to join a nice fluffy fandom.

Like LotRips. Or SPN.

AHAAHAHAHAHAHA

HANNAH MONTANA.

[kickair8p.livejournal.com]

Care Bears? My Little Pony? No, they both get angsty.

Teletubbies!

~

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I don't know. That Tinky-Winky. He looks like a wanker. him and that fucking purse.

[tardistenantsue.livejournal.com]

I once wrote a Red Dwarf/Teletubbies corssover - trufax.

[andreth47.livejournal.com]

Join us in SPN! There are, believe it or not, many sane fen in that fandom.

And the porn is HOT. Try astolat's fic, she's amazing:
http://intimations.org/fanfic/#Supernatural

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I know. I know.

I read F_W. :P

[andreth47.livejournal.com]

Then you know how VASTLY entertaining the fandom can be. Bring popcorn!

[andreth47.livejournal.com]

I'm not supposed to be invested like this

May I ask why? Because they are fictional characters? But fictional characters are real...they're the lenses we create to see ourselves through. A metaphor perhaps, or a filter...but real nonetheless.

Shit, I'm just shattered tonight. This ep broke me worse than Day Four, because for me TW has always been about Jack. Still crying, FFS.

I WANT MY CRACKY SHIT PROGRAM BACK.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

REMEMBER WHEN WE JUST WANKED ABOUT TOSH AND OWEN?

[andreth47.livejournal.com]

OMG WE DID NOT KNOW WHAT PAIN WAS.

[lefaym.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I feel sort of vaugely embarrassed for being the affected. I rarely cry over fiction anyway, and I've been crying on and off for almost two days now. Every time I start feeling a bit better, something sets me off again.

This is NOT FUN.

[tardistenantsue.livejournal.com]

I have made it to a new level of greif. This is now the worst fanfiction ever - however, the actors they picked to play Jack and Ianto look like them at least. There. That is my happy place...

Please do post-its - they make for happy faces!

[smirnoffmule.livejournal.com]

((((AmandR Sad PandR)))) That was a big big hug. Please take it and keep it always.

[rexluscus.livejournal.com]

Just let yourself feel it. Don't be angry with yourself about it, because you're going to feel what you're going to feel and it has nothing to do with what kind of person you are, it's not something you can control. So don't add additional suffering on top of what you've already got by beating yourself up about it. That just makes you feel ten times worse.

There was something about this miniseries that was just...brutal. Sadistic, I'm tempted to say. It was unrelentingly bleak and horrible and as well-made as I think it was, I wish we could all unsee it. Given how we've allowed these characters to move in and take up residence in our imaginations, I think your response (and mine) is pretty natural.

I wish I could talk to someone about all this too. You got gchat or anything? (No worries if you'd rather not.)

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I have gchat, as amandr @ gmail . com. But I'm watching it right now.

[rexluscus.livejournal.com]

I'll be around when you're finished. If'n you want, that is. :)

*hugs*

p.s. I'm luscusregnat @ gmail

[kel-reiley.livejournal.com]

if you're up now, come chat with us in gchat

[51stcenturyfox.livejournal.com]

HUGGGGS!

*snuggles*

I don't have anything witty to say. (Well, not like I ever do.) :D

[mrsalemp.livejournal.com]

I've been here for your happy making, and now I'm here for the sad. I can't speak for anyone else, but I never thought I would take the death of a character this badly. EVER. I have even tried to give myself a talking to because I feel ridiculous wanting to burst into tears in the middle of the day. I wish I had brilliant witty things to say to cheer you up, I really do. Instead I'll just join you in being a sad panda and yelling SHITBEARS at the top of my lungs. I know its not much, but I hope it helps to know you aren't alone (not even close)

[gypsylady.livejournal.com]

I have the same problem: no one to cry with.

I'm not mad at myself for being so sad. I loved loving me some Janto. I ADORED the way GDL was such a marvelous actor that I bought as a slightly uptight, formal almost-butler while in his real life he's a hardcore bad boy who I love hearing belt out some of wildest obscenities with his band. I'm sure I'll watch Torchwood if it comes back, but I'll always miss Ianto. And I hope to hell GDL gets many major roles because I want to see him on my tv and movie screen again and again and again.

What has me upset, and has me unsure if I want to watch Day Five, is that I am so totally sick of crying at the end of every season of everything that comes from the world of Doctor Who. SJA loses Maria. The Doctor loses Donna in the most horrific way I could imagine. Tosh and Owen die (Owen for the second time, talk about heartstring tugging!) for good reasons, but not necessarily. Now Ianto.

I'm sick of it. I don't want to start watching another season of anything RTD is involved with if I'm going to cry in the end. It's not fair to me to keep doing this. I have loved Doctor Who since Sarah Jane and Three adventured togegther. I'm ready to give that ALL up just so I don't have to cry again.

And THAT pisses me off...

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I suggest watching it. I feel slightly better, if only for the narrative distance.

I skipped over a lot in it though.

[lastrega.livejournal.com]

I'm still deciding whether I can watch Day 5 or not. I really hoped RTD was above the 'all gays must die' trope, but apparently I was wrong. I get really sick of this shit.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I watched it.

[darthhellokitty.livejournal.com]

***hugs hugs hugs***

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I WATCHED IT.
IFEEL CLEANSED. LIKE I HAVE HAD A HIGH COLONIC.

[flowright.livejournal.com]

I've sort of hold it together by "just" crying a couple of time I watched Ianto's death scene. I can't remember when was the last time I cried as much watching a tv show. I'm feeling right now like a cheesy depressing song fodder (Why does the sun go on shining ? Don't they know it's the end of the world because you don't love aren't here anymore).
But I cried, I cried sobbing rivers when Ianto's sister told Gwen, Ianto had lied about his father's job. And just typing it made want to cry again because he probably lied for the movie and how he used to go with his dadtoo. I hate that I can't think straight about it without crying tears. This is such a beautiful piece of his past. And one we will never see him deal with Jack on screen.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I think I agree with that, but I think that doesn't have to negate Ianto's story of how he went to the movies with his dad, and I don't think that just because Ianto fabricated farts of his past, that it doesn't mean that Jack doesn't know him.

[flowright.livejournal.com]

For once it wasn't really about Jack. Or it was but very indirectly.

I love that piece of information about Ianto that he could lie so easily and that no one question him even after what happened with surprized!girl friend from the archive cave. And he lied for what ? To tell Jack an amusing anecdote which was probably leading to sex right now in your office or sex as soon as we deal the monster of the week. Which is such a trivial reason to lie.

I love that Ianto was reinventing himself because he's the master of compartmentalizing. You had to ignore what's bothering you and move on because there's stuff to do.
He wasn't a ninja, or an action hero. he was a normal, average guy, a PA, an ordinary person who probably dreams himself as a James Bond with a romantic past. And that to me, makes him so endearing.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

It certainly makes me want to sit his ass down at my kitchen table and make him a big old stack of pancakes.

[annemjw.livejournal.com]

Don't feel the need to apologise darling, I do get why it feels dumb, and yet... well, you get invested in things, I suppose.

We'll feel better (am I the only one who keeps thinking 'At least GDL is alive'?)

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

BUT HE STOLE IANTO'S CHOKER!

[amonitrate.livejournal.com]

Hugs again. Wish I could give you a hug in person.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

SOMEDAY. WHEN MY SKIN ISN'T TOXIC.

[valancy-joy.livejournal.com]

hang in there and try not to feel stupid. just feel.

but I get why you feel stupid. I did a little bit ago... I had to go to the grocery store and when I got to the aisle with the baked beans I started crying again.

so now I'm just trying to embrace the love... and imagining Harold in my living room with a daquiri!

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Aw. DON'T CRY, EMO KID!

I watched it. I feel better today. Sort of.

[valancy-joy.livejournal.com]

yeah. I've gotten to a sort of a calm after the storm sorta place myself. mostly.

now I have to go eat strawberry shortcake with the parentals.