i came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I'm all out of kick ass.

[amand_r]

1. KIDLET NEWS:



I don't get why her "Cheese!" face is her Mongolian sneer. Tyra would tell her that her pose is full of Dreckitude. "VIV! WHERE IS YOUR NECK? ARE YOU SMIZING?"

Also, today she told me she had to pee (seriously, this was one of the hardest things to get her to do), and I told her to go up to the potty herself. AND SHE DID. AND SHE USED TOILET PAPER, AND SHE CAME BACK DOWN. Poor thing did it in the dark, since out bathroom has no windows. SO I TAUGHT HER TO TURN THE LIGHT ON AND OFF. HURRAY FOR SELF-SUFFICIENCY!

2.


WORST CHILDREN'S BOOK TITLE EVER.

IN YOUR GROCER'S JUST IN TIME FOR EASTER:

Seriously? This is made of win. Butter lamb! The symbolism from a Christina perspective is LOLARIOUS.

My coffee selections as of last week. No I don't grind them in the MEAT CHOPPER.


"Whose Cuisinart is this?"
"It's not a Cuisinart baby, it's a chopper."
"Whose chopper is this?"
"It's Zed's."
"Who's Zed?"
"Zed's dead, baby, Zed's dead."

And I just think this is funny:


3. Lastly, let us all take a moment to appreciate the fine lyrical genius of Salt N Pepa's 1993 masterpiece, "Somebody's Getting' on My Nerves":

Why don't you tell the story right, man?
The only skins you ever hit was the skins on your right hand.
You rolled up on me in your man's Beemer
And I could look at you and tell you was a meat-beatin' daydreamer.
You put the window down tryin' to act real slick
And started smilin' like a hooker with a bag of tricks.
You stuck your hand out the window trying to show me gold,
Your forty-second street Rolex was kinda old.
I wrote a number, and I know you thought you'd get humped,
But it was Dial-A-Date 1-900-CHUMP.
So why you runnin' around town playin' Jeopardy?
Get off my bra-strap, boy, stop sweatin' me.

Yes, get off my bra strap, peoples. LAWL. Personally, I don't think "meat-beating daydreamer" gets nearly enough usage.

Comments

[irishcaelan.livejournal.com]

You remind me of me scaring the horses in the bakery bread aisle of the supermarket, debating aloud to myself the merits of various possibilities and then doing a 180 and doing a squee at the fiddleheads while people pointed and said, "oh, it's just her."

Living life as a constant stream of consciousness is totally exhausting but I must say, you have one mother of a cute kidlet!

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

OMG I WAS LIKE, "WHAT IS THIS PERSON SAYING?" AND THEN I REALISED THAT WE WERE IN THE SURREALIST WING OF LJ.

WHEW.

[madder-rose.livejournal.com]

Hooray for the miracle that is kids going to the toilets on their own. I agree with the above statement also: she's the cutest thing since button-noses.

My 2 year old nephew adds jazz-hands to his sneer...

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

You know, we should think about the aesthetic value of button noses. Like are some button noses prettier than others? Who do we ask? Snowmen? Teddy Bears? THE VELVETEEN RABBIT?

I taught her to say, "OH SNAP!"

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

Everything I know about scat I learned from an injudicious Google search and several reaction videos to 2 Girls 1 Cup.

It's nice to see that they're having an older figure with gentle authority introduce it to kids at a young age, so they won't be shocked later on.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

OMG THE BEST THING ABOUT THIS (i say this a lot and it isn't really the best thing, just go with mer here) IS THAT I HAVE NEVER SEEN 2 GIRLS, ETC. I KEEP TELLING MYSELF THAT I SHOULD, JUST TO SAY I HAVE. AND NOW I CAN'T FIND IT.

I was thinking of making a list of people I wouldnt' want teaching my children about scat:

Bono
Marilyn Manson
Phyllis Diller
Newt Gingrich
Keith Olbermann
Gary Oldman

[easilymused1956.livejournal.com]

I really don't have a comment.

Just want you to know I read your posts.

And laugh when laughing is appropriate.

I'm laughing. Out loud.

Renee

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

HAAAHAHAH IT WAS THE HIP HOP WASN'T IT.

NO NO, THE SCAT. THE SCAT WAS THE BEST PART.

[curriejean.livejournal.com]

I saved the angel picture. That's a masterpiece.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I got it from a meme on DW.

[annemjw.livejournal.com]

It's from Married To The Sea

[mrsalemp.livejournal.com]

I spit tea all over my desk planner, and now I have to change it. No big loss since it was still on February anyhow, just thought I'd let you know the extra work your being amusing has cost me.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

HAAAHAHAHAH I AM SO FUCKING FUNNY.

LOOK MAN, i JUST RUN ACROSS THIS SHIT.

[lefaym.livejournal.com]

OMG, YOUR KID PEED IN THE DARK.

I think this is a good thing. When I was that age, I was too scared to pee in the dark, so whenever night-time peeing was required, I needed the company of an adult.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

My kid has no fear of the dark. Her nightlight is pale green, and she regularly gets out of bed and wanders around when I would have been scared shitless.

[zsazsa4168.livejournal.com]

I usually reserve a special circle of hell for people who make other people laugh at religion. (Which is a separate enterprise from laughing at certain ludicrous so-called religious people. And yes, Ernest Angely, I am looking at you!) But that angel hitting the man with his own hands made me belly laugh.

Thank you for that. Super sweet.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Oh ha ha ha! I am a devout Christian! No really! But even god thinks that's funny. STOP HITTING YOURSELF! STOP HITTING YOURSELF.

I mean, god has to have a sense of humour. LOOK AT THE BUTTER LAMB.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Quincey's 'cheese' smile looks very much like the stiff, creepy grimace that you generally attribute to people waxing poetic about Slap-Chops and Sham-wows.

The angel macro? OMG so much win!

I saw your list of who you do not want teaching your kid the merits of scat, but I want to see your list of DO WANT.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

WHAT IS A SLAM-CHOP? WHAT IS A SHAM-WOW? IS THIS LIKE THOSE FABLES PIZZA POPS THAT ARE ONLY AVAILABLE IN THE FROZEN TUNDRA OF THE NORTH.

Alas, you have found the flaw in my scat teaching plan!

[huesiemama.livejournal.com]

1. Spring! Time to dust off the three-wheelers to begin the marauding of the village. The 6er also has a "Cheese" smile that appears as a sneer. Odd.
Peed in the dark, alone? HUZZAH!

2. Children's book of scat? ACK! Butter lambs? NOM. Coffee! I can only handle 1 package at a time. Trying a new brand when the current selection runs out. I finally got my french press!

"It's not a Cuisinart baby, it's a chopper." LOLR5

"Stop hitting yourself" will eternally be funny.

3. Must obtain Salt N Pepa again! I have decided my children need a better, more detailed education in 20th century pop culture, as my parents provided to me. "I teach my kids about the things that really matter. I will teach them about Abraham Lincoln and Ronnie Van Zandt, because they are equally important in my house." Or something like that.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Guess who just found her CD a few days ago? Me! It's like solid gold baby.

I also found the CD5 single to La Bouche's Be My Lover. Haahahaaahaha. DOOMED.

[sivatheminty.livejournal.com]

Awwww I'm so proud of her. My nieces (4 and 6)shout "WIPE ME...DAAAAD...MOOOOOM, WIPE ME" if they've done a number 2, and sometimes I think it's questionable if they wipe themselves for a number 1. Sigh

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Well, we're not completely done with that yet, but she is capable of peeing by herself.

[sivatheminty.livejournal.com]

All in good time :)

[sivatheminty.livejournal.com]

oooo that didn't go where I wanted it, stupid donut ditracting me

ramming speed!

[echo2501.livejournal.com]

She's a pointy log away from ramming the Great Wall.

Re: ramming speed!

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

IT IS TRUE. Though right now I wouldn't trust her navigation. Every time she wants to turn she picks up the whole front and points it in another direction.