Nearly Headless Tianyu's Deathday Celebration, Take Four.

[amand_r]

Today is the fourth anniversary of my husband's death. For those of you who don't know, my husband, Tianyu, blew his brains out in the parking lot of our apartment complex. I'd like to say it gentler than that, but that is what he did, and he doesn't deserve gentle euphemisms.

I think it's fair to say that I'm mad about it, and I will always be mad, and despite that anger, I will defend to the death his right to do it, and for the individual's right to bear arms.

I'm not fond of the fact that he left me without closure, or that he left our kid before she was even born, because there's no way to say 'Daddy didn't mean that as a rejection of you" because I'm convinced that it was a rejection of me, for many reasons, and he's not here to argue otherwise.

I mentioned to a friend the other day that I have this theory that it's easier for me to process than a lot of people, like his parents, who hadn't known that there was anything wrong with him, because I was there for it, and I saw the natural progression of descent. And for me, the change of him being there to not was so drastic, that I got to flip a switch. My life changed. I was supposed to be living here:



but I moved in with my parents, and couldn't buy it. I don't know what it's like to not be a single parent. I don't work, I haven't had to go to a job and carry on in a way that matches pre-Tianyu death. It's was as if everything changed overnight, and aside from some furniture that I had before, it's not remotely like living with Tianyu.

That said, the biggest thing for me, is that and I am sure I've said this before, but I am madly in love with my husband, and it gets worse as the years roll on. No one measures up, not that I'm looking. And just thinking about trying to have to deal with another man, and all the lame ass baggage that comes with that gender (sorry, dudes) makes me want to stab a bitch. So yeah, well. Mister Cone understands me, though, so that's good.

I've written fic about this whole thing. It's in Odysseus, and in Gold Dust, actually, and in To Let, and even in Push, so I don't know if I have anything more to do than go to his grave and pour a beer (half a beer, man) on the dirt and say, "One for my homies" in my worst Doctor Evil voice.



I guess that makes me sound bitter, and I don't think I am. I dunno. This time three years ago, my shrink told me that I was "in my molecules". I don't know what that means, but here I am. Molecules and shit.

Tianyu, I don't know what you would think of your daughter. I don't know what you would think of me. I'm working on not caring.

Comments

[blue-fjords.livejournal.com]

Hey, sweetheart. I love you.

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

All my love.

[alt-baie.livejournal.com]

There is nothing proper to say, or anything to say at all. You know we love you and your offspring is the coolest mofo (right behind Baie) to ever build a robot.

[darthhellokitty.livejournal.com]

Love to you.

[sthayashi.livejournal.com]

On my desk at work, I have 2 pictures. One is of E. The other is of you and Tianyu from the same event as pictured above. One of my colleagues asked if he was my brother. I'd like to think that he was, even if technically, he and I had different parents.

And though I got only one side of Tianyu, I'm convinced that he'd love his daughter and he'd still love you. I've never waivered from that notion. You shouldn't either, IMHO but for what it's worth, I'll never think less of you for wondering. There are many sides to him that I never saw, but I did see him love, and that's why I believe the way I do.

[melissa2u.livejournal.com]

I can't think of a single comforting thing to say that won't sound wrong. I wish I could do better than that as you deserve a better comment than that. So...


*hugs*

[used_songs]

*hugs*

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

Anniversaries--they send one into a tizzy of thinking, a cyclone of emotions, don't they? Much love, bb...

I adore that picture of you two. It makes me smile.

[hab318princess.livejournal.com]

I too don't have any words, but *hugs* wanted to thank you for sharing.

[logophilos.livejournal.com]

I don't see how you can not be angry. And this will always be heartbreaking.

A member of my husband's family killed himself last week. It's only the most recent death of that kind which has touched our lives. My own brother died by choice, though not so violently. There are no words of comfort, because there is no comfort to be had. It sucks, it hurts, there is no 'bright side' and there is no consolation. It's just a fucking waste.

Amanda, I've always admired how strong you are and how you've dealt with this, and how you've raised your daughter with so much love. Tianyu should have been there to see this, and it's wrong that he's not. You have every right to be angry and sad, but don't forget to be proud of who you are and what you've achieved, despite it all.

[neifile7.livejournal.com]

Thinking of you today, with love and grief. Wishing you hugs, solitude, a few minutes' peace, the other half of the beer: whatever feeds your courage.

[sullen-hearts.livejournal.com]

My dad killed himself two years ago next week. It's a different pain because it's a parent, but we do have similarities. I walk with you today.

(opium_and_tea sent me over here)

[queenfanfiction.livejournal.com]

My uncle killed himself five and a half years ago--his 53rd birthday would've been next week. While it's a different kind of loss for me than for, say, my mother who grew up with him, it still hurts, even today.

Anyway. Wishing you all the best as always, and a full can of beer for yourself. *toasts*

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

That is some fucked up shit.

I don't know how to say this without being trite, but I liked you the moment I met you. And you know I love your mom in a way that borders on lesbianism. And I'm insanely jealous of the relationship that the two of you have.

And your daughter? Don't even go there. I've never met her in person, but I know that she and I could get up to NO GOOD together.


Suicide is a terribly selfish thing. I like to think, that if he could have truly understood the impact that his actions would have had on everyone around him, he would have chosen differently. But of course, he wasn't in a place where he could see that. I'm sure he thought that he was doing you and Viola a favour, that you would both be better off without him.

What a silly, lost boy.

Big hugs to you, and VK and your mom.

I grieve with thee. <--- geeky Star Trek quote that is so, so fitting.

[opium-and-tea.livejournal.com]

I don't know you really, but I don't think you sound bitter. I think you sound like someone who's had some shit happen and is dealing with it the best way they can. And from what I can tell through the magic of the interwebz you're doing a damn good job.

Keep the other half of the beer for yourself. x

[mtgat]

I got nothing. *hugs*

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

*puts hand to glass*

I don't have good words, but I'm thinking of you today. (And on other days too, but this one in particular.)

[jacquez.livejournal.com]

I think if you weren't angry at him, I'd be worried about your mental health. :/ I hope & wish for your healing, even as I know this isn't the kind of thing that ever really heals.

I shall use my beer icon, but this beer is just for you. (Which. If you want to go grab a beer sometime, lmk.)

[dorothy1901]

*hugs you*

[joanwilder.livejournal.com]

i read and cried; no words. So...tonight we dye Easter eggs.

[tazlet.livejournal.com]

Hey!

[quean-of-swords.livejournal.com]

All I have are internet-bound hugs, but I give them freely. *HUGS*

[sivatheminty.livejournal.com]

((hugs))

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

You and kidlet are in my thoughts and if you want them, prayers today. For what it's worth, i'm only starting to get to know you, but I think you're pretty fucking awesome.

[veridari.livejournal.com]

I like to think that in whatever version of the afterlife you subscribe to (if you do at all) that Tianyu is sitting there on some fluffy cloud thinking to himself today, "Crap, when she eventually gets here she's going to really kick my deserving arse." Unless of course, your Mum reaches him first. Then, you two will kiss and makeup. But kick his arse good first, okay?

*hugs and more and even more hugs for you today*

[kel-reiley.livejournal.com]

I have this theory that it's easier for me to process than a lot of people, like his parents, who hadn't known that there was anything wrong with him, because I was there for it, and I saw the natural progression of descent

yeah. it's like that

[elainasaunt.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry I never knew him, but, even more, I'm really, really glad I know you - in the crazy, wonderful way we get to know people in this medium. You're one of the most remarkable people in all my Internet acquaintance, your kid is amazing and that picture is precious. No words from me could be appropriate to this occasion, but know how much I appreciate who you are.

[valancy-joy.livejournal.com]

grief is hard, bb. You and your girlie are in my thoughts.

[amonitrate.livejournal.com]

i guess it doesn't mean much over the internets, but you're in my thoughts.

[arsenicjade.livejournal.com]

I wish I was there. That's all. I wish I could afford to be there more than once a year and we weren't so fucking far away from each other all the time.

I've been pissed all day, and I'm sure some of it's valid I'm pissed at shit going on, but I sense more of it is...residual.

So, yes.

[huesiemama.livejournal.com]

While we have not met, we have the love of certain things in common. No real words here, really. Just hugs and maybe a stiff shot.

[mia-ugly.livejournal.com]

I know I barely know you, but you're amazing, and so so strong. And you don't need a total stranger telling you that, but there it is. Much love.

[teaboyfan.livejournal.com]

I know you only through your writing here, but that is quite enough to convince me beyond doubt that you are strong and funny and very bright, and a terrific mother (and cook). I'll toast you and Tianyu tonight in Inver House, though you deserve the best single malt.