need want hate love wish

[amand_r]

A Litany of Things

It's Wednesday, so that means it's Humpty Dance day. That usually makes me happy. That's cool. But you don't have to. You know, if you don't like Digital Underground (also? I don't want you to comment and tell me you don't. I really don't care if you don't. I do. Suck my balls.)

I'm tired. I want to get drunk. I want a good cup of coffee. I want to go to the beach. I want to get laid. I want to hang out with fannish peeps again. I love my non-fannish peeps, but sometimes I like to rapid-fire fan crap. Obviously my online insanity of late reveals my need to scream with someone about Ianto's ass. Or something.

I hate mundanity. I want to go to the park. I want swingvana. It's hot. I want good licorice.

Hrm.

I want to write these fics. I want to post my novel online for free. I want people to read said novel. I want them to tell me it's good. I wish it were good.

I want to learn how to dance. I want to build some more swords, but I don't remember how. I wish my bow wasn't broken. I need to buy a new handgun.

I need to buy plane tickets for the UK. I want to lose thirty pounds. I wish I were prettier and less insane. I wish I could have a one-night stand that didn't suck.

I hate people who tell me to take anti-depressants. I hate people who say they can beta read when they obviously can't. I hate people who offer opinions of things that are stupid. I hate people who offer too much information when you're trying to merely be polite about what they mentioned in the first place. It's like they're inadvertently punishing you for being polite. I hate having to comment "Okay!" when I want to let them know I'm done.

I hate that I try to reply to every comment I get; I see that others don't. I hate when people don't reply to my comments. I hate that I even care.

I wish I knew more about brewing beer, and wine, and martial arts. I wish I could kick someone in the face, just for fun. I wish I didn't want to kick someone in the face. That's sick. If someone kicked me in the face, I'd be pretty peeved. I wish I had better foresight. I wish I were more sensitive of other people's feelings. I wish I wasn't so good at putting my foot in my mouth.

I'd like to be able to make something with my hands, like cheese. Not knitting. That's nice and all, but I'm not a knitter, people.

I wish my kid was potty trained. I wish I had the patience to deal with her. I wish she didn't look so much like Tianyu.

I want my husband to come through the door and say that he was kidnapped by the Foreign Legion for three years, and that this was all a mistake. Then he would hug and kiss our daughter, and we would get the fuck out of here, and move somewhere else. And then we'd buy a house with horses and a wood stove. I need a date. I need a double dildo and a woman to fuck into the mattress. I need a manicure.

I wish I were over my husband. I wish I could set all of his pictures on fire. I need to put flowers and a Transformer on his grave. I haven't been there since April. I hate when "widowed" isn''t an option and I have to check "single", because it is obvious that I am not. I need to stop calling him my husband. I need to be able to take this ring off my finger.

I want another tattoo. I want to dye my hair purple. I want to get a job as a rodeo clown. I want to tell jokes for a living. I wish I wasn't so amazingly shy. I wish people would believe me when I tell them that, because it's true. It makes me want to kick them in the face.

I wish this shit wasn't so circular.

I wish that I could hug everyone. I want a party with booze and those taquito things. I want to go riding. I want to barrel race. I wish I were more serious. I wish everyone would bite me.

I need a hug without it being a hug, because I cannot stand to touch anyone. I need to learn how to draw better, so that I can draw porn.

I would like to vid how shit makes me feel. I WANT LASER EYES.

I love how everyone I meet is so nice online. I like how fandom has just exploded into love around me, and I wish that everyone else could see how neat and viral and good it is, like happy syphilis. I wish that people could laugh more about it.

I'm sorry that, you know, canon shit happened, but I love my buddies online, and they are what is important in some ways. I love sending people cards. I like writing by hand.

I like that in the mornings, I bring my kid into bed with me, and she turns towards me and buries her face in my chest. I love her sticky little fingers. I like how she calls chocolate milk "chmoke". I love the way she snorts when she laughs. I love that she has her daddy's flat feet.

I like that my car is paid for. I like that even though they didn't have to, the company my husband worked for chose to honor the insurance policy even though he was obviously a suicide. I am grateful for my husband's family. I love my parents, because they take care of me. I love that my husband's friends haven't forgotten about me, and they come to my house and drink beer with me. I love that I know how to flash fry a duck and order ham sui gok at dim sum. I love dim sum.

I want dim sum.

I love that I can open my inbox and see new emails. I want a poster of The Vampire Lestat. I wish Anne Rice wasn't batshit. I wish I could live forever.

I really want dim sum.

THE END

IP logging off

Comments

[curriejean.livejournal.com]

I love you.

Bam! Just like that! Srsly!

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

IT'S QUITE CATHARTIC.

I AM CATHARTIC.

OR CATHERTERIC.

[used_songs]

I wish I could take you out for coffee.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

WOULDN'T THAT BE LOVELY.

Jesus, the grinder at the store like, didn't grind my coffee right, and all the grounds are twice as coarse as they should. What a waste of fucking Sumatra.

[spiderine.livejournal.com]

You are really awesome, you know that? You also have gorgeous handwriting.

I'm sorry I weirded you out w/all the tentacle sexxie talk. You know all is cool, right?

You never have to take off that wedding ring if you don't want to. You had real love, and not a lot of people can say that. He's still your husband -- he's just... elsewhere. Except that he'll always be with you. *virtual hugs w/o really touching you*

You can make mozzarella cheese really easily at home. I've done it a few times. A quick web search will give you all the info you need.

Your kid sounds awesome too.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

1. The tentacle sex did not weird me out at all!
2. The wedding ring is funny, because we never wore them. We got our band tattooed on our wrists. I lost my engagement ring (which makes me sick about it even now 2 weeks before he died (FORESHADOWING IN RL!), and after he died, I put the ring on my finger. I think his is still under the stove in our old apartment in FL. I have decided not to take care of the wedding tattoo. I like the idea that his is rotting in the ground, and mine is fading and deteriorating from sun damage on my arm.
3. I am going to look that up. I need cheese.
4. I like my kid, too. I think she has a fever.

[mrsalemp.livejournal.com]

I wish I could explain to you exactly how awesome you really are. I wish I could cheer you up as much as you have me for the past few weeks. I wish I had something profound to say.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I'm not...depressed. Like, I'm not upset. I just think that this LJ is my place, and I shouldn't have to worry about being entertaining for you all. Or rather, I could say that funny is entertaining, and I can be entertaining in other ways. Or maybe I think sometimes we should be a little more real in our LJs. I'd like to read other people rant in their journals.

I thought about turning off comments, because I didn't really want people trying to cheer me up. You know? Moods aren't all encompassing, and I think it's interesting how you can be funny in one place and then sober in the other.

Can't we all think of the emo lulz?

[beesandbrews.livejournal.com]

beer making is easy too. Especially if you know how to bake and handle yeast and you don't get hung up on all the it's supposed to read this on the meter stuff.

::virtual non touchy hugs::

I'm incredibly glad I "met" you. :)

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I know! My husband and his college roommate used to "brew" what they called "beer" in their college dorm room. I wish I knew more about beer in general. Like people have to tell me when a berr is hoppy, because otherwise I'd just be like, "well, I like how this beer tastes." I have no sense of the finer things.

I like hoppy beers. Apparently.

I am incredibly glad that you're writing. I love your J/I.

[debitha.livejournal.com]

I don't know if this is the kind of response you were looking for, but:

I like that we have given you a place where you have carte blanche to be as insane as you want to be. I can't help you with getting laid. Or the beach. I think you're a good looking lady, and you don't need to be less insane. But you can choose to be if you want. Fuck the people who tell you to take anti-depressants. It's your mental health. I have breathing exercises and shit if you want to go that route. If you buy plane tickets to the UK, it would be awesome to meet you. I am a too much information person. I'm sorry. I would quite like to kick someone in the face some time, if I could not feel bad about it afterwards. Sometimes that's the only thing that stops me. I wish I could help you feel less lonely. I still can't help you with getting laid. It's OK to not be over your husband yet, because fuck that's pretty horrendous. It's OK to want to be. I was 16 when I worked out that my social problems arose from shyness. I told my friend and she laughed at me. I like that you love your kid even if you don't know how to cope with her sometimes. I'm glad that your husband's company and friends look after you, not because you need it but because it's nice. This is me giving you hug without actually hugging you - the internet is good that way. Dim sum is good. I like Siu Mai.

I feel like there should be something in there about wearing sunscreen (http://www.lyricscrawler.com/song/3953.html).

I know you don't need to told it's OK to feel a certain way, but sometimes it's nice to have someone say it.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I WILL BUY THOSE TICKETS AND THEN I WILL COME TO HUG YOU.

I think all of our online constructs should be more honest with each other. I think that we should recognise that we can be honest and anonymous and not hateful at the same time. It's like you get to see me without the meat shell I live in. Does that make what I say here more me? is it unfettered? or is it more tied down? I'm probably the only one who's dwelling on this.

WE SHOULD MENTION SOMETHING ABOUT BEING A BOSS.

[neifile7.livejournal.com]

There's no way I can write this without sounding a little condescending, but hope the spirit comes through:

I srsly love you, and it's not in spite but because of all the shit and doubts and the fact that you do write about them. And you keep on ficcin' and drawing and post-itting, whatever your reservations, and I'm glad that's what you need because it sure as hell is what a lot of us need sometimes.

Also, the shy thing? Totes with you, bb.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

AT LEAST YOU DIDN'T TELL ME TO TAKE LEXAPRO.

No, that actually wasn't condescending at all. I hope that i the long run this journal looks funny and self-indulgent and chronicles me as whole as I can be, and not just the good bits, you know? I just throw it all up on screen. Like a hair ball. This lj is my hairball to the world.

Do you ever find that people just don't believe you when you say you're shy? Isn't that infuriating?

[misswinterhill.livejournal.com]

Hey, I love you too. I'm glad we met and can give virtual hugs and actual lulz.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

LULZ MAKE THE WORLD GO ROUND.

[tildathebuilder.livejournal.com]

I wish I could get my feelings down like that. I wish I could grant you your wishes. *sends non-hugging hugs*

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

YOU SHOULD DO IT. JUST START TYPING. IT DOES THE REST. IT HELPS TO HAVE AN EVIL HAND, BUT IS NOT NECESSARY.

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

*touches hand to screen*

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I feel like kicking people in the face is probably a normal human urge. Or...I hope it is. *shifty eyes* My boyfriend is a foot taller than me and every once in a while I have to remind him that I can actually kick that high.

I want to write these fics. I want to post my novel online for free. I want people to read said novel. I want them to tell me it's good. I wish it were good.

Word.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Well then, I don't feel so badly. I have never actually kicked anyone in the face on purpose, and I am sure that I would feel rather badly if I did. Still. The idea is appealing.

Yeah. Authors R Us!

[valancy-joy.livejournal.com]

well I don't really know you, but I do sort of, and I think you're pretty awesome...

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

WE ARE BOTH FROM PENNSYLTUCKY. WE KNOW, MAN, WE KNOW.

[cruentum.livejournal.com]

I'D TOUCH MY TONGUE TO THE SCREEN BUT LIFTY'S HAND IS ALREADY THERE!

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Wait, I thought you would BECAUSE lifty's hand is there?

[kwanalicious.livejournal.com]

Yum.

You can call me Nanerpuss.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

WTF??

[azarias.livejournal.com]

You know, I've only just started reading your LJ because someone told me it was full of lolz -- which it is -- and I'm already ready to contribute to your booze fund. You should totally have a booze fund.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

OMG MY MOM ASKED WHAT I WANTED TO MY BIRTHDAY AND I SAID, "A CASE OF STELLA." AND SHE WAS ALL, "NO REALLY." AND I SAID "YARLY." AND SHE SAID NO.

LOLOR5.

[lionessvalenti.livejournal.com]

I always come to the party really late and feel like anything I would have said has already been said and you don't need to hear it again. But in the case of this, all I have to add is, I am daily becoming happier that fandom led you to where it did because you're in my bubble. Honestly, with the insanity that is fandom right now, I'd probably be crazy if you weren't in my bubble. You've been magically making a lot of things better. I actually read all of your posts, and that cannot be said for everyone (I'm a skimmer). Sometimes I read them several times. Never, ever edit yourself (unless you honestly want to). Your words as they come out of your brain are beautiful.[/sap]

I can't beta read. I'm telling you this now so if you ever feel like "Huh, Tracey's on, I'll see if she can read this", I can't. I've "beta read" for people, but they know it's not real beta reading. I can read things and give honest opinions about them, but I'm much better at the "here's this idea I have, let me bounce it off you" stage. I'm really good at that. I like talking out fics with people, but I'm not a beta-reader. I wish I were, then I could feel useful when I'm not writing, or be able to contribute something to the people who beta for me, but yeah. I know I don't have that in me.

I'm a too much information person. I'm letting you know that about myself, too. But usually I just step over the TMI line and go "Oh wait. I probably shouldn't have shared that." I need people to tell me to shut up.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

1. ILU.
2. You and I talked the other night, and I just want to say that you are awesome, and I am glad you're in THE CIRCLE with me. we should call ourselves something. Like Excalibur. THE CABAL. BIKINI COPS. Who's going to be the blonde? We need a blonde.

Aw, if I ever need to bounce something off someone, I will bother you. I can totally do that. ask Foxy. I bother her all the time.

I like TMI. It makes me LOL. Also, I have this image of you dressed as Robbie Coltrane in Harry Potter 1, saying, "I shouldn'ta said that."

Thank You

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Amand,

You don't know me - I read blogs, but don't keep one of my own. But the first words that popped into my head when I read this entry were "I love you" and the second thought I had was "oh thank god - someone finally had the courage to write it all down."

Anyway, I'm very, very sorry for all that you've been through in the past three years, and very, very glad that your little girl will grow up with such an amazing person for a mother. I think your handwriting is beautiful, and your post-it notes are delightful. I wish you good dim sum, and a fabulous trip to Europe, and good health and chocolate milk for your daughter. Thank you for thinking about everything that works and doesn't work in your life, and sharing it all with people you don't even know. And thank you for spurring me to write my own list of wants and needs, likes and dislikes - I'm at a point in my life right now where it's going to be really, really helpful.

Yours truly,

C.

Re: Thank You

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Wow, thank you! I'm a little verklempt!

I love all you people, you know, even when I say I don't. Humanity is too awesome and sweet and funny and horrible not to love.

Thank you for your kind words, and for reading my crap even when it's shit. XD And good luck with your own list. I was surprised by what came out of my mouth without thinking about it!

[brilliant-snark.livejournal.com]

I'm new to your bandwagon, so I won't offer love or sex. Yet. ;)

But...

a) Please be as crzy or sane as you need to be, it's your journal, and it's amusing either way. ;)
b) I identify with entirely too many of your "I wants". GET OUT OF MY BRAIN, I DON'T KNOW YOU LIKE THAT!!! *runs*

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Let's be frank here (you can be Shirley): who DOESN'T want to kick someone's face in? or have a beer? Or fifty? Or some taquitos?

::pouts:: No sex? Really? where are you? The champagne room?

[darthhellokitty.livejournal.com]

You just always rock like a rock garden. I love the pictures of you and your little girl, I love the post-its, I love your sad panda-ness. I love it all.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I LOVE YOUR ICON, AND YOU ARE MADE OF WIN.

SEE ICON!

[ithildyn.livejournal.com]

Wow, you have nice handwriting. I'm jealous. A little.

One of the thing I admire about you and your LJ is that you have the guts to post entries like this one. I only ever do it in my head. Wish I could be more like you, but on the other hand, I think there's only room in the universe for one you!

Totally would love to go eat dim sum with you, because I've never had it! And there would be much drinking, and then more drinking. Hey, when I was asked what I wanted for my birthday a few years ago, I said tequila. And I was given tequila! How cool is that?

Very glad you're here in my internet world, because you make it a brighter and crazier place. And we need more crazy! And tequila.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Wow. My handwriting used to be loads better. I actually rewrote the second page while I was watching True Blood, because I thought it was shitty. But my carpal tunnel makes my fingers numb and the result is what's scrawled up there. Bleaugh.

I would LOVE to take everyone to dim sum. I. FUCKING. LOVE. DIM. SUM. Alas, every time I take someone, they seem to be disappointed, and so maybe dim sum is an acquired taste or something. I dunno. I do know that you have to be able to eat gluten. not ask, "what's in this?" and care about it, and be prepared not to operate heavy machinery for about five hours after.

I also wish that I wasn't allergic to tequila. And by "allergic," I mean I kind of smell and spew. :(

[tardistenantsue.livejournal.com]

Totally convinced now that you are from Pluto as Patelyne (mesalemp) and I are! Totally not a bad thing!

And hey, I kick to the head is better than a punch in the throat. AND there's a "Boot to the Head" song you can sing. That's a plus.



Enjoy. Remember to keep listening for the song.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

HAAAHAHAHAAAHHA. HA.

[phaetonschariot.livejournal.com]

I am also super shy, I'm the most introverted introvert ever. And I love the term "happy syphilis". Also I like that my bunny starts prodding at the door of his cage about eight in the morning and looking at me so I have to open it for him and then I might as well get up so I can cuddle him and refill his food bowls, so I don't spend all day in bed. And I like his front feet, they're fucking adorable.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I like bunny feet. They ARE fucking adorable.

[phaetonschariot.livejournal.com]

OH ALSO having an internet journal is inherently attention whoring and idk why attention whoring is always considered a bad thing, coz we're social animals and require attention and interaction and shit.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

YOU WIN BUNNY POINTS TODAY.

[mrsalemp.livejournal.com]

Your post made me think thinky thoughts all day at work. I may even get frown lines now (and fyi apparently me pondering looks a lot like me evil planning. so thanks for scaring my coworkers) My mental list overwhelms me, the fact your's is so...so...together makes me wish I had better control of my words (even more than normal)
I wish that truly interesting people wore Tshirts identifying themselves as such, that way you'd be sure not to miss the opportunity to meet them. Of course in your case "Have someone to introduce us and I'll soon be NAKED!!" might come off a little scary :)

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Dude, that was so not organised. You should try one of your own. It's really revealing where your head goes once you start.

[amonitrate.livejournal.com]

1. I once kicked my younger brother in the face. I was swinging on the playground and he stepped in front of me and didn't get out of the way in time. So it wasn't on purpose. It was kind of funny and horrifying at the same time, though. It may have been the opposite of swingvana.

2. happy syphilis. This is so right on.

3. I really admire your straighforwardness about your feelings and your ambiguity about your LJ. I, for one, don't need to be entertained. I just know that I look forward to reading your posts, because they're honest and you're an interesting person, whether you feel like being funny or not. Interesting people are in seriously short supply.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

1. ahaaahahh BLACKMAIL MATERIAL! KEEP IT COMING.

2. I know! I was pleased with myself for thinking of it.

3. I think I only worry about this when I know that I'm not going to be funny. Honestly, like when I talk about srs bzns or shit, that's when I worry about the material I put here, because I don't want people to be all, "Jesus, Amand-r is whining AGAIN." Because I have no compunctions about being funny. Huh. Interesting.