amand_r | Mah thoughts on Yaoi (writing)

I locked this, and then unlocked it. I'm not gonna be a pussy.

When I started writing this, I was surly. Then I got sober. Then I got whiny. Then I realised that I was a failure. Then I realised that I don't care. Now I'm just putting it out there because I cannot explain these things to you. I cannot do anything more than open my hands and show you what is in them.

And really, this doesn't mean that I'm a spechul snowflake, because I find that sometimes people come out of the woodwork and say I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. And if fandom has taught me anything, it is that I am nowhere near as smart as half of you. I guess you will see where all this goes. It goes to the lame ass place that I touched on in this post in April.

But writing non-fanfic and poetry is different, and I cannot write about that, because you have never seen my original fic.

So it's true what Goss said about Jack is true of me: I don't have feelings, just a succession of sugar rushes. That's pretty much the way I write. And that's a complete lie. I think shit through. I even plan. For certain things. I plan plot. Like plotty plot.

Most of the time, as I told C in chat, fic comes to me in the form of a zen koan in a zip file. Even when I open the file and extract it, there ain't nothing there except the sound of one hand clapping, or some really tasty strawberries. I can't say to you, 'well, what I was thinking was the emotive yukkety yuk of the blah blah blah.' If you talk me what I intended with a fic, I might have more luck conveying what I was going for by showing you a youtube video, or answering leading questions. Because what I understand is less than what I can articulate. Thanks Maus.

I'm pretty good at talking about meta and fic when I have things to bounce off of. I can't sit down and write something all the way through and say 'THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS ON YAOI,' because I don't know what they are until I see what everyone else thinks. It's not because I need to glom on to other people's ideas, because I would say that agree with people about 50% of the time when I read fic and meta. It's that I don't know what's important.

I have a million things to say about Jack/Tosh, about Jack being a torturer, about Gwen, and "Janto", but I just sit there and watch them scroll on by.

Jed Bartlett used to sigh and say, 'What's next?' when he was done with things. That's how I feel most of the time. It's not because I'm smart or something, or have the attention span of a ferret on crack or something. It really isn't. I'm pretty fucking dumb, and that might be it. It's that I get bored. I remember sitting in classes in college and saying to myself, 'yeah, I get that, blah blah, Leslie Marmon Silko, Native Americans, war veterans blah blah ceremony versus modernity, CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON.' There's no reason I picked that as an example, I was just trying to think of something off the top of my head.

I'm really worried, because I read what I write, and I keep losing people, and it all makes sense to me. I can't even see where it doesn't.

Then I think, 'well, it doesn't matter what you’re like when you try to talk about writing or meta things, as long as the fic holds.' The fic is the thing I hold out to you. The fics are my thoughts on yaoi. The fics are the things in which I say, 'I heard everything you said, but here is where my brain went.' This might be the reason that a good 60% of my fic is written in response to conversations or meta that I see, have or read.

I guess I could pull something out of my fics to use to illustrate what I mean, but I think that's...pretentious. Like, who the hell am I to comment on my fics? How are my fics even important enough to merit analysis like that anyway (she says while writing something amazingly pretentios about her writing process and metacognitive crap).

So, the fics, most of the things I notice people like, they are the things that I start because of my koan in a zip file. When the idea comes to me it's just a little like music, a little more like curving colour(say orange) HA HA HA. It's like that moment we had RIGHT THERE, where I used something else to say something else. That said, in the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king.

None of this addresses the issue that made me think about all of this: style. Function and form. I want to think about this a little more. I don't want to just tell you a story, really, and I don't care about thematic elements. I care about how these words aren't things that are real, that they aren't concrete, and the things they represent, as far as fanfic goes, aren't' real either. And in a sense, as an entity on the internet, I'm not real either. The person you read here is not me. Well. Nope. It's not, and you aren't the person in my head. That's why I prefer youtube vids and songs, why you all have soundtracks in my head, why I cannot have a conversation without referencing something else. Because it's all representational to convey something else, which is also representative. I'm not sad, I AM A SAD PANDA. That's not funny, it’s LOLOR5. Or even better it's not LOLOR5. Just LOLOR5. It a symbols for what I want to say, what I want to feel to you.

I did the second person thing, and I did the first person thing, and if I could collage or draw, I'd do that for you. I have a whole TW fic planned that uses cut out pics from gum magazines and shit. I would send you that medium to convey what I mean. I'm going to write a fic on Twitter. I did the diary thing, and I did the straight story telling thing. I like all of them, but I want something else. Give me something else to do. Give me something I haven't done. Give me something that I can use to paint for you.

Before Tianyu died, we talked a lot in meaningful words. I don't use meaningful words anymore. It's a choice that I made, and because it was a choice that I made, I have to live with the consequences.

All of that shit said, here's the thing: I automatically assume that you are right. When you say to me, 'Well, amand-r, I don't think this is right because I blah blah chiaroscuro,' I assume you are right. That I am wrong, mostly because I can't argue with you, for all of the reasons, excuses that I have given above. I can't form the words, and so I assume that since you can, you mist be right.

It took me typing that to realise that was the issue. Huh.

And that is my problem, really. Because I guess you could look at that and say, 'well, I don't want to fuck with Amand-r, so I'll be nice,' or 'damn, Amand-r needs to grow some balls.' I'm working on it. Nothing makes me not listen to you like meeting you in person. Once that happens, it's all over. The internet and distance makes you my gods. Sometimes it's as simple as seeing pics of you to burst the bubble, or hearing your voice in a phone post. That lifts you from the ether and grounds you inhumanity. It allows me to find a flaw. Because right now, lovelies, I imagine you flawless and perfect.

This is why I always say that I am content to be overruled. The reality? I AM NOT FUCKING CONTENT. I just cannot whatever.

I'm already bored with this. Done now.

No wait. I'm not done. Oh wait. Yes. Yes I am.

Current Mood: wearing glasses
Current Location: THE HIDDEN BUNKER
Current Music: blend crafters, 'melody remix'

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kel-reiley.livejournal.com

I'm pretty good at talking about meta and fic when I have things to bounce off of. I can't sit down and write something all the way through and say 'THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS ON YAOI,' because I don't know what they are until I see what everyone else thinks. It's not because I need to glom on to other people's ideas, because I would say that agree with people about 50% of the time when I read fic and meta. It's that I don't know what's important.

this is what i would have written if i'd thought of it first

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Mah thoughts on Yaoi (writing)

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