the importance of your mom
Jan. 21st, 2004 03:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amand_rTianyu: Where's your mom's boob job fund? (Note: Tianyu is referring to the change jar.)
Amand-r: Oh, wait, you mean the jar of coins I keep around so that when I cut your dick off we can afford to pay the bag lady down the street to reattach it with chickenwire? It's in the mug cupboard.
TIANYU: I'm just going to back away.
Amand-r: I win.
The your mom joke is a very important part of the Tianyu/Amand-r dynamic, and as such, not a day goes by that one of them is not shot across the house like so much rabid weasel foam. In light of this fact, I would like to share with you the ins and outs of the well crafted "your mom" joke, so that you too, might spice up your household life. I present the following article, entitled:
Rated R, for RAUNCH. And I'm serious, dudes.
...she got hit by a parked car.
No Really, I saw it. She was out there on the corner where she usually is, and this guy just walked up and turned her upside down and rammed a zucchini-
A BRIEF INTRODUCTION
These can go downhill very quickly. The Your Mom joke is not new. Since the dawn of time people have been insulting the ancestors of others, usually the maternal ones first and foremost. And since most people have a rather stubborn affection for their mothers, except in the case of Joan Crawford's daughter, the "your mom (fill in the blank)" is very good way to get your opponent's goat (in some cases, quite literally, the goat, and the rest of the livestock as well). In this time honored tradition, someone thought of grandma jokes, (such as "that (blank) is older then yo grandma falling off a dinosaur"), but most people deemed the grandparents to be too sacrosanct, and such was the death of the grandma joke.
In light of this, it falls upon you to insult the mothers of whomever happens to be your opponent for this week, and to beat the living shit out of anyone who insults the loins of your fruit.
Out of the antagonistic insult hurling came a whole tribe of individuals who took the jokes to a new level, and began to tell them for fun, for one-upmanship, or just because they were fucking bored. I and my husband are two such people. He will claim that I am merely being an asshole, but believe me, no one is faster to claim victory when the final sling of insults leaves me speechless and scrambling to pick up the pieces of my wit and sarcasm.
And as such, our day to day lives are full of varied insults, most of the time such things of crafted lewdness that we actually paralyze ourselves with laughter, no matter where we go. I shall present to you, then , the gentle reader, the varying degrees so that you may try them out on your own.
MOMMER TECHNIQUE AND VARIETIES
THE DRIVE BY: The first in the your mom jokes and very effective for the novice offender, as no one expects them. The procedure is to merely sidle up to your intended victim, and then when you have their attention, without an ounce of guilt and without giving away that you are about to commit an insult of astronomical proportions, let fly the simple two words: "Your mom." Very rudimentary beginners will probably shout it and then run away quickly, but this is considered gauche in more sophisticated circles. A statement of declaration is always preferred for the serious drive by initiator, followed by a round of pointing and laughing. WARNING: Not to be performed to strangers in bars or anywhere else, unless you are in a car and are aware that your opponent is NOT packing a weapon. I am not responsible for your stupidly assaulting a Hell's Angel with your witty repartee.
(example)
Amand-r: (chopping vegetables)
Tianyu: (passing by into the other room) Hey.
Amand-r: What?
Tianyu: Your mom.
Amand-r: Fuck you.
Do not fret over retaliatory insults. If the person responds in like, you have several options ahead of you, including but not limited to reiterating the first statement, upgrading to further forms of your mom jokes, or throwing objects. From the first signs of "your mom", however, most experienced mommers will upgrade to the next level:
Tianyu: Your mom.
Amand-r: No, dude, YOUR mom. I think you were confused. It was dark out, but there is no way to disguise the stench, man. It's like a rotting fishstick.
Tianyu: Fuck you.
The above method is known as the TURN AROUND. The turn around originated when the first your mom joke was told way back in the Stone Age.
Cave Man 1: Your mom.
Cave Man 2: No your mom, down by the sabertooth caves. I saw her, man, she had this old tooth and she was ramming it-
Not incidentally, this is also the first unrecorded case of homicide in the human race. I saw the cave painting.
I have also been told to tell you that the TURN AROUND is referred to as the REACH AROUND in certain circles, namely the circle of Tianyu.
The turn around is a simple concept, and a very effective one. The fact remains that if one is witty enough, one can win any battle of your mom. The trick is to make the retort so scathingly nasty that the opponent is too shocked to answer. Do not hold back. I mean, they just insulted your MOM, man.
Ideally, the TURN AROUND ends in the first reply. But it can go on indefinitely. Certain scenarios may occur:
1. You may also take the opportunity to insult your opponent's sexual prowess or endowments:
Amand-r: I'm tired, and I need a shower.
Tianyu: That's what your mom said last night. Zing!
Amand-r: No, I distinctly remember her telling me that it was hard to keep it in. You know.
Tianyu: You suck.
Amand-r: Because it's so small.
Tianyu: (THWAP!)
2. There is a point when you might have to use the fact that your mom is a skank to further besmirch your opponent. Allow this to happen, but only if a better response will take too long to craft.
Amand-r: Ey yo, bitch. Your moms. Out on the corner. Taking orders.
Tianyu: No, no, I beg to differ. She's' only there to hold your mom's place because she got so backed up.
Amand-r: Are you sure? Because I saw the short order pad and everything.
Tianyu: Really? Then you saw the name on the pad was clearly "skanky ass ho", referring to the nametag that your mom wears around her neck.
At this point I will have to concede, because I will be laughing too hard to reply.
3. There will also be times when your response will cross the line of disgusting and enter into the realm of "O_o", in which your opponent will recant and concede defeat. This is the time to push it farther. It is perfectly acceptable to violate truces when you think of good additions to your insult. This just makes it funnier. Trust me.
Amand-r: So I think we should get some fresh fruit while we're at Publix.
Tianyu: You know who else likes fresh fruit?
Amand-r: (sigh) No, what?
Tianyu: YOUR MOM. With the bna chicka wah wah...
Amand-r: This may very well be true, but at least she buys the fresh fruit. I hear your mom waits until it rots before inserting it into her cunt and—
Tianyu: OH GOD NO! GAH!
Amand-r: No really, it's like wine, but there's seafood involved—
Tianyu: (covering ears) LA LA LA I'm not listening to you!
Amand-r: Okay, okay, I'm done.
Tianyu: (ears still covered> No you're not, you're just waiting for me to uncover my ears.
Amand-r: No I'm not. I'm done. Okay? Let's just go to Publix and stop this crap.
Tianyu: Okay. (cautiously uncovers ears)
...a long pause...
Amand-r: (jovially) They say she serves it on toast to anyone who will pay her twenty-five cents.
Tianyu: DAMN YOU! (FIST SHAKING)
This technique of delay and truce breakage is also known as GODDAMMIT LUCY TOOK THE FOOTBALL AWAY.
Note two things in the above example: 1. My initial response is one of resignation, because the phrase "you know what else (fill in the blank)" is a dead sign that a momma joke is coming, and 2. Tianyu's joke is a carefully crafted example of our next type of joke, the GLEANED.
The GLEANED momma joke has two forms: 1. Those prefaced by a question for further masterful setup, and 2. those with your mom tacked into the beginning of the sentence in place of the original subject. We shall cover both.
1. The first is relatively easy to start, but like the TURN AROUND, requires skill to develop fully into a shiny nugget of mommish goodness. Simply pick the funniest part of the previous sentence (in the case of the above, Tianyu has settled for fresh fruit), and ask if the other person knows "what else" or "who else" + verb and subject. When the person says, "no, what?" or guesses incorrectly, all one need do is shout or reply "your mom." Merriment ensues.
The initial question is actually meant for your opponent to participate in his or her own downfall. Others might argue that it allows you to have time to craft the next part of the joke, for while some your mom gleaners are self explanatory, others need more development once the initial jest is thrown down.
Amand-r: I'm giving you a quarter for the toll, okay?
Tianyu: You know who *I* gave a quarter to?
Amand-r: Who?
Tianyu: your mom!
Amand-r: *facepalm*
At this point, Tianyu could stop, or wait for retaliation. Instead, he has decided that the first insult is not enough, and will go for the kill.
Tianyu: And dude! She gave me change! Said I got a discount because she has that nasty sailor's disease.
Amand-r: You are going to HELL.
2. The second kind of GLEANED momma joke is rather simple, and not unlike the child's game of repeating whatever one says. Simply respond to what the first person has said by replacing the subject of the sentence. This can be very dull, but one can unwittingly stumble into a gold mine of funny.
Tianyu: We're out of soap.
Amand-r: Your mom's out of soap. (At this point, both participants recognize the implication that his mother is a dirty whore who needs soap. This is unspoken, but felt.)
Tianyu: Isn't one of your wifely duties to keep us in soap?
Amand-r: Your mom's a wifely duty. (As this is very nonsensical, the challenge is to make it as sensible as possible.) I have to give her the hot beef injection or she starts screaming at me like a cow in heat.
(War begins)
Tianyu: I gave your mom the hot beef injection with a tube of Pepperidge Farm summer sausage.
Amand-r: *choke*
The above is an example of a successful exchange, including turn around and expansion. But how could this go badly?
Amand-r: How can the president be this moronic?
Tianyu: Your mom is moronic.
Too trite. No flavor.
Amand-r: I burned a CD!
Tianyu: I burned your mom's CD.
Dull. Very dull, and in this case he was incapable of elucidating as to how, pray tell, he burned my mom's CD.
Over the course of time, the GLEANED#2 became a rather boring thing, and was only interesting when one was on long car trips or very drunk and lacking in the brain cells to craft better jokes. Out of this came the modified add on, where one may use the direct object as a possession of one's mother, per se.
Tianyu: I'mma play video games.
Amand-r: I played your mom's video game. 3001: Revenge of the Clit-thumper!
Tianyu: Can't I just play this in peace?
Amand-r: And I got the high score!
Tianyu: *facepalm*
Amand-r: See, the object of the game is to jump over the dumpsters and get away from the angry sarlaac mouth in time to get ice to your mom for her aching tw—
Tianyu: (turns up the volume on the tele)
So there you have several different kinds of momma jokes. Other things have developed over time, but these fundamentals are a great place to start.
CREATING A MOM MYTHOLOGY AND IDIOGLOSSIA: Around here some your mom jokes have passed into the realm of mythology.
3001: The film that Tianyu's mom made in which she was gangbanged by 3001 men. It is reminiscent of 2001 and 2010 in that it surpassed the originals, and to this day, any mention of 3001 will spawn hissy fits the likes of which you would never believe a straight man is capable.
Malaysia: Created on the weekend of our wedding, when a rather wedding planning mad Amand-r realized that "Malaysia" had the words LAY and something sounding like "Asia" in it, resulting in giggled replies of "ImmaLAYasia your mom." The entire wedding party soon became hip to the joke, and to this day, use it occasionally as a bookmark to the wedding of snark. Rumor has it that Amand-r actually mouthed the word, "Malaysia" on the altar during the wedding ceremony to keep herself and Tianyu from crying. This rumor is absolutely true.
The Saarlac Pit: Really, there is a creature in Vietnamese literature who has a mouth in her vagina. Armed with such knowledge and being a total Lucas fangirl, who could resist? I'm sure you can figure it out.
GETTING STARTED...
MOM CHARACTERISTICS: Moms take credit cards, but they usually charge very little. In one instance a mom was forced to pay men and goats to violate her. Keep in mind that moms will also barter for sexual favors, and sometimes she may have sex with anyone just for fun. She is not above any sexual act with you (if you are the offender), or anyone else, or even groups of people. This also includes inanimate objects. In fact, the more promiscuous the mom, the more success you are likely to have. Moms often have poor hygiene and bad dressing skills, if they wear clothes at all. They often use parts of their anatomy to do things for which it was not intended.
APPROPRIATE MOM HANGOUTS: Let's face it, these moms are ho's. They can be anywhere that is sleazy, like bars, and porn houses. Dumpsters and crackhouses are also good topics, as are porno sets and the video store where she pimps her wares. Moms have also been referenced in movie theatres, on airplanes and in the produce aisle of the grocery store. The fact remains that moms can be anywhere, and the more original your reply, the better your chances of winning.
Tianyu: Dude, I have to do the taxes. Stop licking my ear.
Amand-r: I did your mom's taxes. Last night at H & R BANG!
Tianyu: O_o
Amand-r: (getting into the groove) I even adjusted her 401K. It was kinky, and she was all like, "ooooOOOH! OoooHH! Like that! Dividends!"
Tianyu: That is so...accurate it might just be surreal.
Amand-r: Ooooh! Ooooh! Just like that!
WAYS TO KILL A MOM JOKE: Mention dad. Mentioning that your mom is dead (even if she isn't) used to mean that the house won and that the joke was dead. Depending on what circles you are in this may lead to necrophilia jokes. Your chances of being mocked if your insulter knows that your real mom is alive and well and living in Hoboken increase by 200 percent.
Ethnic stereotyping will kill a mom joke flat and probably get you killed. Referencing real Singapore prostitutes will kill the joke, as will anything to do with pedophilia. References to Bangkok, despite all logic, only make it funnier.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER MENTION SOMEONE'S SISTER. While sister jokes are a popular offshoot of the your mom joke, some brothers take them VERY seriously, and if one throws off the standard pattern of insult (as in insulting the wrong relative), they may very well be butchered and served on dry toast.
Tianyu reminds me of the SISTER ACT OF 1999, wherein he and his two other friends agreed that the topic of sisters was off limits, as was banging each other's sisters, no matter how hot they were. One of the signers agreed even though he has no sister. The fourth, however, never agreed, and so there was much very careful watching and a few muttered death threats when he was paired with her in our wedding party. Luckily, Tianyu's sister could have killed the non-signer just by looking at him, so all was well. It still stands today, the sister act: never bring the sisters into it. Amand-r would like to point out that both of the signers who do have sisters are older than their sibs, and may feel naturally protective of them, whereas moms are always older, and capable of actually beating the shit out of their children with a wooden spoon.
TROUBLESHOOTING:
1. Are there variants to "Your mom"? It sounds so stilted. There is the ever so popular "yo momma," and my favorite, the needlessly plural "your moms". I usually go with whatever falls off the tongue the fastest, as timing is everything. It is important to note that if the joke has been building, and you are aware that your final punchline of your mom is going to be a big finish, a resounding and very hip hop-esque "yo momma!" is very appropriate, often followed by "Awwwwww, sheeeeeeeeee-it!" and much fist pumping and self congratulatory gesticulation.
2. But I like the mom of the person I am about to insult. Dude, it's not HER. I mean, yeah, it's her, but it's like this mythological mom that you have constructed inside your head. In fact, it is considered very poor sport to actually reference the real life mom in the joke itself, with mentions of the real life mom's hobbies, appearance, etc.
3. The person I am about to insult is my sibling. Ah, the double edged sword. This is virtually impossible to get around, UNLESS your insult includes mention that your sibling is adopted.
Amand-r: Dude, I saw your mom down at the dumpster. She was begging for tips.
Brother: We have the same mom, you idiot.
Amand-r: Naw man, you're adopted. Didn't they ever tell you that? See, your mom had this horrible crack habit, and she left you at the Hardees for like five hours while she went off with this guy in a minivan, so CYS took your ass and you ended up with us. Didn't mum and dad ever tell you?
Brother: O_o
Really, it's just better to stay away from it. But if it's a sibling, I'm sure you have better insult ammo than your mom jokes.
4. The person I'm about to insult IS my mom. There is a special dynamic that can be achieved with one's parents, especially with one's mom. Years ago, my mom started the "your mom" insult game with me, though it has never (and thankfully so) reached the rancid depths that it has with Tianyu. Mom seems to like insulting herself for some bizarre reason, and often chuckles at the phrasing of "your mom! I mean me! Tee hee!" Go figure. She does often tell me to tell Tianyu that she has said "Your mom!" over the phone. I however, love my grandmother (god bless her soul) and have never deigned to malign her in any way.
END NOTE: This essay produced the following conversation, just to sum it all up.
Amand-r: So I realized that in all the examples, I win the your mom joke.
Tianyu: Yeah, I had a feeling that I would lose them all.
Amand-r: So I went back and changed them, so that you win some, like in a five to two ratio.
Tianyu: That is very big of you.
Amand-r: I know, it is.
Tianyu: But not as big as your mom's cavernous, man eating vagina.
Go forth and insult. I had intended to illustrate this with pics of action figures doing horrible things to each other, but I just don't have the spirit.
But you know who DOES have the spirit? *snerk*
There. Now I feel accomplished.
Amand-r: Oh, wait, you mean the jar of coins I keep around so that when I cut your dick off we can afford to pay the bag lady down the street to reattach it with chickenwire? It's in the mug cupboard.
TIANYU: I'm just going to back away.
Amand-r: I win.
The your mom joke is a very important part of the Tianyu/Amand-r dynamic, and as such, not a day goes by that one of them is not shot across the house like so much rabid weasel foam. In light of this fact, I would like to share with you the ins and outs of the well crafted "your mom" joke, so that you too, might spice up your household life. I present the following article, entitled:
Rated R, for RAUNCH. And I'm serious, dudes.
...she got hit by a parked car.
No Really, I saw it. She was out there on the corner where she usually is, and this guy just walked up and turned her upside down and rammed a zucchini-
A BRIEF INTRODUCTION
These can go downhill very quickly. The Your Mom joke is not new. Since the dawn of time people have been insulting the ancestors of others, usually the maternal ones first and foremost. And since most people have a rather stubborn affection for their mothers, except in the case of Joan Crawford's daughter, the "your mom (fill in the blank)" is very good way to get your opponent's goat (in some cases, quite literally, the goat, and the rest of the livestock as well). In this time honored tradition, someone thought of grandma jokes, (such as "that (blank) is older then yo grandma falling off a dinosaur"), but most people deemed the grandparents to be too sacrosanct, and such was the death of the grandma joke.
In light of this, it falls upon you to insult the mothers of whomever happens to be your opponent for this week, and to beat the living shit out of anyone who insults the loins of your fruit.
Out of the antagonistic insult hurling came a whole tribe of individuals who took the jokes to a new level, and began to tell them for fun, for one-upmanship, or just because they were fucking bored. I and my husband are two such people. He will claim that I am merely being an asshole, but believe me, no one is faster to claim victory when the final sling of insults leaves me speechless and scrambling to pick up the pieces of my wit and sarcasm.
And as such, our day to day lives are full of varied insults, most of the time such things of crafted lewdness that we actually paralyze ourselves with laughter, no matter where we go. I shall present to you, then , the gentle reader, the varying degrees so that you may try them out on your own.
MOMMER TECHNIQUE AND VARIETIES
THE DRIVE BY: The first in the your mom jokes and very effective for the novice offender, as no one expects them. The procedure is to merely sidle up to your intended victim, and then when you have their attention, without an ounce of guilt and without giving away that you are about to commit an insult of astronomical proportions, let fly the simple two words: "Your mom." Very rudimentary beginners will probably shout it and then run away quickly, but this is considered gauche in more sophisticated circles. A statement of declaration is always preferred for the serious drive by initiator, followed by a round of pointing and laughing. WARNING: Not to be performed to strangers in bars or anywhere else, unless you are in a car and are aware that your opponent is NOT packing a weapon. I am not responsible for your stupidly assaulting a Hell's Angel with your witty repartee.
(example)
Amand-r: (chopping vegetables)
Tianyu: (passing by into the other room) Hey.
Amand-r: What?
Tianyu: Your mom.
Amand-r: Fuck you.
Do not fret over retaliatory insults. If the person responds in like, you have several options ahead of you, including but not limited to reiterating the first statement, upgrading to further forms of your mom jokes, or throwing objects. From the first signs of "your mom", however, most experienced mommers will upgrade to the next level:
Tianyu: Your mom.
Amand-r: No, dude, YOUR mom. I think you were confused. It was dark out, but there is no way to disguise the stench, man. It's like a rotting fishstick.
Tianyu: Fuck you.
The above method is known as the TURN AROUND. The turn around originated when the first your mom joke was told way back in the Stone Age.
Cave Man 1: Your mom.
Cave Man 2: No your mom, down by the sabertooth caves. I saw her, man, she had this old tooth and she was ramming it-
Not incidentally, this is also the first unrecorded case of homicide in the human race. I saw the cave painting.
I have also been told to tell you that the TURN AROUND is referred to as the REACH AROUND in certain circles, namely the circle of Tianyu.
The turn around is a simple concept, and a very effective one. The fact remains that if one is witty enough, one can win any battle of your mom. The trick is to make the retort so scathingly nasty that the opponent is too shocked to answer. Do not hold back. I mean, they just insulted your MOM, man.
Ideally, the TURN AROUND ends in the first reply. But it can go on indefinitely. Certain scenarios may occur:
1. You may also take the opportunity to insult your opponent's sexual prowess or endowments:
Amand-r: I'm tired, and I need a shower.
Tianyu: That's what your mom said last night. Zing!
Amand-r: No, I distinctly remember her telling me that it was hard to keep it in. You know.
Tianyu: You suck.
Amand-r: Because it's so small.
Tianyu: (THWAP!)
2. There is a point when you might have to use the fact that your mom is a skank to further besmirch your opponent. Allow this to happen, but only if a better response will take too long to craft.
Amand-r: Ey yo, bitch. Your moms. Out on the corner. Taking orders.
Tianyu: No, no, I beg to differ. She's' only there to hold your mom's place because she got so backed up.
Amand-r: Are you sure? Because I saw the short order pad and everything.
Tianyu: Really? Then you saw the name on the pad was clearly "skanky ass ho", referring to the nametag that your mom wears around her neck.
At this point I will have to concede, because I will be laughing too hard to reply.
3. There will also be times when your response will cross the line of disgusting and enter into the realm of "O_o", in which your opponent will recant and concede defeat. This is the time to push it farther. It is perfectly acceptable to violate truces when you think of good additions to your insult. This just makes it funnier. Trust me.
Amand-r: So I think we should get some fresh fruit while we're at Publix.
Tianyu: You know who else likes fresh fruit?
Amand-r: (sigh) No, what?
Tianyu: YOUR MOM. With the bna chicka wah wah...
Amand-r: This may very well be true, but at least she buys the fresh fruit. I hear your mom waits until it rots before inserting it into her cunt and—
Tianyu: OH GOD NO! GAH!
Amand-r: No really, it's like wine, but there's seafood involved—
Tianyu: (covering ears) LA LA LA I'm not listening to you!
Amand-r: Okay, okay, I'm done.
Tianyu: (ears still covered> No you're not, you're just waiting for me to uncover my ears.
Amand-r: No I'm not. I'm done. Okay? Let's just go to Publix and stop this crap.
Tianyu: Okay. (cautiously uncovers ears)
...a long pause...
Amand-r: (jovially) They say she serves it on toast to anyone who will pay her twenty-five cents.
Tianyu: DAMN YOU! (FIST SHAKING)
This technique of delay and truce breakage is also known as GODDAMMIT LUCY TOOK THE FOOTBALL AWAY.
Note two things in the above example: 1. My initial response is one of resignation, because the phrase "you know what else (fill in the blank)" is a dead sign that a momma joke is coming, and 2. Tianyu's joke is a carefully crafted example of our next type of joke, the GLEANED.
The GLEANED momma joke has two forms: 1. Those prefaced by a question for further masterful setup, and 2. those with your mom tacked into the beginning of the sentence in place of the original subject. We shall cover both.
1. The first is relatively easy to start, but like the TURN AROUND, requires skill to develop fully into a shiny nugget of mommish goodness. Simply pick the funniest part of the previous sentence (in the case of the above, Tianyu has settled for fresh fruit), and ask if the other person knows "what else" or "who else" + verb and subject. When the person says, "no, what?" or guesses incorrectly, all one need do is shout or reply "your mom." Merriment ensues.
The initial question is actually meant for your opponent to participate in his or her own downfall. Others might argue that it allows you to have time to craft the next part of the joke, for while some your mom gleaners are self explanatory, others need more development once the initial jest is thrown down.
Amand-r: I'm giving you a quarter for the toll, okay?
Tianyu: You know who *I* gave a quarter to?
Amand-r: Who?
Tianyu: your mom!
Amand-r: *facepalm*
At this point, Tianyu could stop, or wait for retaliation. Instead, he has decided that the first insult is not enough, and will go for the kill.
Tianyu: And dude! She gave me change! Said I got a discount because she has that nasty sailor's disease.
Amand-r: You are going to HELL.
2. The second kind of GLEANED momma joke is rather simple, and not unlike the child's game of repeating whatever one says. Simply respond to what the first person has said by replacing the subject of the sentence. This can be very dull, but one can unwittingly stumble into a gold mine of funny.
Tianyu: We're out of soap.
Amand-r: Your mom's out of soap. (At this point, both participants recognize the implication that his mother is a dirty whore who needs soap. This is unspoken, but felt.)
Tianyu: Isn't one of your wifely duties to keep us in soap?
Amand-r: Your mom's a wifely duty. (As this is very nonsensical, the challenge is to make it as sensible as possible.) I have to give her the hot beef injection or she starts screaming at me like a cow in heat.
(War begins)
Tianyu: I gave your mom the hot beef injection with a tube of Pepperidge Farm summer sausage.
Amand-r: *choke*
The above is an example of a successful exchange, including turn around and expansion. But how could this go badly?
Amand-r: How can the president be this moronic?
Tianyu: Your mom is moronic.
Too trite. No flavor.
Amand-r: I burned a CD!
Tianyu: I burned your mom's CD.
Dull. Very dull, and in this case he was incapable of elucidating as to how, pray tell, he burned my mom's CD.
Over the course of time, the GLEANED#2 became a rather boring thing, and was only interesting when one was on long car trips or very drunk and lacking in the brain cells to craft better jokes. Out of this came the modified add on, where one may use the direct object as a possession of one's mother, per se.
Tianyu: I'mma play video games.
Amand-r: I played your mom's video game. 3001: Revenge of the Clit-thumper!
Tianyu: Can't I just play this in peace?
Amand-r: And I got the high score!
Tianyu: *facepalm*
Amand-r: See, the object of the game is to jump over the dumpsters and get away from the angry sarlaac mouth in time to get ice to your mom for her aching tw—
Tianyu: (turns up the volume on the tele)
So there you have several different kinds of momma jokes. Other things have developed over time, but these fundamentals are a great place to start.
CREATING A MOM MYTHOLOGY AND IDIOGLOSSIA: Around here some your mom jokes have passed into the realm of mythology.
3001: The film that Tianyu's mom made in which she was gangbanged by 3001 men. It is reminiscent of 2001 and 2010 in that it surpassed the originals, and to this day, any mention of 3001 will spawn hissy fits the likes of which you would never believe a straight man is capable.
Malaysia: Created on the weekend of our wedding, when a rather wedding planning mad Amand-r realized that "Malaysia" had the words LAY and something sounding like "Asia" in it, resulting in giggled replies of "ImmaLAYasia your mom." The entire wedding party soon became hip to the joke, and to this day, use it occasionally as a bookmark to the wedding of snark. Rumor has it that Amand-r actually mouthed the word, "Malaysia" on the altar during the wedding ceremony to keep herself and Tianyu from crying. This rumor is absolutely true.
The Saarlac Pit: Really, there is a creature in Vietnamese literature who has a mouth in her vagina. Armed with such knowledge and being a total Lucas fangirl, who could resist? I'm sure you can figure it out.
GETTING STARTED...
MOM CHARACTERISTICS: Moms take credit cards, but they usually charge very little. In one instance a mom was forced to pay men and goats to violate her. Keep in mind that moms will also barter for sexual favors, and sometimes she may have sex with anyone just for fun. She is not above any sexual act with you (if you are the offender), or anyone else, or even groups of people. This also includes inanimate objects. In fact, the more promiscuous the mom, the more success you are likely to have. Moms often have poor hygiene and bad dressing skills, if they wear clothes at all. They often use parts of their anatomy to do things for which it was not intended.
APPROPRIATE MOM HANGOUTS: Let's face it, these moms are ho's. They can be anywhere that is sleazy, like bars, and porn houses. Dumpsters and crackhouses are also good topics, as are porno sets and the video store where she pimps her wares. Moms have also been referenced in movie theatres, on airplanes and in the produce aisle of the grocery store. The fact remains that moms can be anywhere, and the more original your reply, the better your chances of winning.
Tianyu: Dude, I have to do the taxes. Stop licking my ear.
Amand-r: I did your mom's taxes. Last night at H & R BANG!
Tianyu: O_o
Amand-r: (getting into the groove) I even adjusted her 401K. It was kinky, and she was all like, "ooooOOOH! OoooHH! Like that! Dividends!"
Tianyu: That is so...accurate it might just be surreal.
Amand-r: Ooooh! Ooooh! Just like that!
WAYS TO KILL A MOM JOKE: Mention dad. Mentioning that your mom is dead (even if she isn't) used to mean that the house won and that the joke was dead. Depending on what circles you are in this may lead to necrophilia jokes. Your chances of being mocked if your insulter knows that your real mom is alive and well and living in Hoboken increase by 200 percent.
Ethnic stereotyping will kill a mom joke flat and probably get you killed. Referencing real Singapore prostitutes will kill the joke, as will anything to do with pedophilia. References to Bangkok, despite all logic, only make it funnier.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER MENTION SOMEONE'S SISTER. While sister jokes are a popular offshoot of the your mom joke, some brothers take them VERY seriously, and if one throws off the standard pattern of insult (as in insulting the wrong relative), they may very well be butchered and served on dry toast.
Tianyu reminds me of the SISTER ACT OF 1999, wherein he and his two other friends agreed that the topic of sisters was off limits, as was banging each other's sisters, no matter how hot they were. One of the signers agreed even though he has no sister. The fourth, however, never agreed, and so there was much very careful watching and a few muttered death threats when he was paired with her in our wedding party. Luckily, Tianyu's sister could have killed the non-signer just by looking at him, so all was well. It still stands today, the sister act: never bring the sisters into it. Amand-r would like to point out that both of the signers who do have sisters are older than their sibs, and may feel naturally protective of them, whereas moms are always older, and capable of actually beating the shit out of their children with a wooden spoon.
TROUBLESHOOTING:
1. Are there variants to "Your mom"? It sounds so stilted. There is the ever so popular "yo momma," and my favorite, the needlessly plural "your moms". I usually go with whatever falls off the tongue the fastest, as timing is everything. It is important to note that if the joke has been building, and you are aware that your final punchline of your mom is going to be a big finish, a resounding and very hip hop-esque "yo momma!" is very appropriate, often followed by "Awwwwww, sheeeeeeeeee-it!" and much fist pumping and self congratulatory gesticulation.
2. But I like the mom of the person I am about to insult. Dude, it's not HER. I mean, yeah, it's her, but it's like this mythological mom that you have constructed inside your head. In fact, it is considered very poor sport to actually reference the real life mom in the joke itself, with mentions of the real life mom's hobbies, appearance, etc.
3. The person I am about to insult is my sibling. Ah, the double edged sword. This is virtually impossible to get around, UNLESS your insult includes mention that your sibling is adopted.
Amand-r: Dude, I saw your mom down at the dumpster. She was begging for tips.
Brother: We have the same mom, you idiot.
Amand-r: Naw man, you're adopted. Didn't they ever tell you that? See, your mom had this horrible crack habit, and she left you at the Hardees for like five hours while she went off with this guy in a minivan, so CYS took your ass and you ended up with us. Didn't mum and dad ever tell you?
Brother: O_o
Really, it's just better to stay away from it. But if it's a sibling, I'm sure you have better insult ammo than your mom jokes.
4. The person I'm about to insult IS my mom. There is a special dynamic that can be achieved with one's parents, especially with one's mom. Years ago, my mom started the "your mom" insult game with me, though it has never (and thankfully so) reached the rancid depths that it has with Tianyu. Mom seems to like insulting herself for some bizarre reason, and often chuckles at the phrasing of "your mom! I mean me! Tee hee!" Go figure. She does often tell me to tell Tianyu that she has said "Your mom!" over the phone. I however, love my grandmother (god bless her soul) and have never deigned to malign her in any way.
END NOTE: This essay produced the following conversation, just to sum it all up.
Amand-r: So I realized that in all the examples, I win the your mom joke.
Tianyu: Yeah, I had a feeling that I would lose them all.
Amand-r: So I went back and changed them, so that you win some, like in a five to two ratio.
Tianyu: That is very big of you.
Amand-r: I know, it is.
Tianyu: But not as big as your mom's cavernous, man eating vagina.
Go forth and insult. I had intended to illustrate this with pics of action figures doing horrible things to each other, but I just don't have the spirit.
But you know who DOES have the spirit? *snerk*
There. Now I feel accomplished.
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Dayum
Date: 2004-01-21 01:09 am (UTC)Your mom, that is.
Re: Dayum
Date: 2004-01-21 01:20 am (UTC)Re: Dayum
Date: 2004-01-21 01:27 am (UTC)Re: Dayum
Date: 2004-01-21 01:36 am (UTC)Re: Dayum
Date: 2004-01-21 05:59 am (UTC)Re: Dayum
Date: 2004-01-21 11:08 am (UTC)Re: Dayum
Date: 2004-01-21 04:28 pm (UTC)You daddy, that is.
Re: Dayum
Date: 2004-01-21 11:06 pm (UTC)Re: Dayum
Date: 2004-01-22 06:17 am (UTC)Re: Dayum
Date: 2004-01-22 10:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-21 06:48 pm (UTC)Duncan and Methos can't play this game.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-21 07:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 06:30 am (UTC)Well, no, okay, some of it is Dana's fault.
Kass Fireborn: if making sense were a kasschat requirement none of us would be here.
ladymcquillion: your mom makes sense?
ladymcquillion: *decides she does not grasp the yourmomisms*
Kass Fireborn: Truly, it is a subtle art.
ladymcquillion: indeed
nebulawindphone: Yeah, well, I failed to grasp your mom last night
nebulawindphone: I mean, wait, no, that's not it...
ladymcquillion: that's cause you missed and got your own mom
nebulawindphone: Aw, shit
nebulawindphone: I hate it when that happens
Kass Fireborn: ooh, nice.
Tabbythajd: That's actually not bad at all.
Tabbythajd: *gives Maire a cookie*
ladymcquillion: cookie! *pouncegnaw*
ladymcquillion: so perhaps I should just skip to the more advanced levels then. XD
MewsChangeling: your mom *made* that cookie.
ladymcquillion: mom makes excellent cookies
Kass Fireborn: :facepalm:
Kass Fireborn: I forget, sometimes, how communicable ideas are in these things. XD
nebulawindphone: wait, communicating ideas is a bad thing?
MewsChangeling: communicating "your mom" jokes is a bad thing
Kass Fireborn: Your mom communicates worse stuff, though.
Kass Fireborn: ...
Kass Fireborn: is there an immunization for this?
ladymcquillion: I think it involves bringing up dads
no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 07:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 07:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 07:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 05:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-15 01:46 am (UTC)Laugh all you want, as long as you don't pee your pants.