And now another Biblical Exegetical.
Jan. 15th, 2004 03:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amand_rLet's recall the tale of Sisera from the bible (it's in Judges, because Sisera isn't the main character, as Deborah steals his limelight being the chosen of God and all. Meh.).
Sisera is a Canaanite who hopes to trounce those pesky Israelites that keep flooding all over the land, demanding that THEIR God told them THEY could have the fertile valley, nayh nyah nyah. Sisera, who is a right ashram-worshipping HEATHEN, gets his army together, and they roll their chariots out into the desert to defeat the Israelites, because dude, they're getting annoying.
But LO! God did it on purpose because his chosen kids were pissing him off, what with the not offering sacrifices and staying holy and shit, and so he sells them out to the Canaanites, who are all like, "uh, thank you holy evil dude!" After the Israelites whine* and complain that they feel betrayed, God talks to this chick named Deborah and tells her what up, and that she'll have to do something about this to unify the 12 tribes of Israel, who are bickering more than the Brady kids. She pulls a Mike Reed and sits them all down, saying "see those chariots? Off in the distance? They're coming for your ass if you don't listen to me." And lo, the people listened, because you know, chariots are like Sherman tanks in the biblical days; they mean your enemy is more prepared and mobile.
There's a lot of singing, and there are two versions of the story, though I prefer the one that is in verse. However, in THAT version, Deborah warms the hearts of the tribes with a cool island song…or is that cools the hearts of the tribes with a hot island song? ANYWAY, the tribes agree that they doth not wish to be exterminated and they band together and set out to defeat the Canaanites and their pesky wheeled conveyances. Unfortunately, they are outnumbered, and if I didn't say it before, HELLO? CHARIOTS!
Anyway, the Israelites listen to God and he subsequently puts all of Sisera's army "to the sword", a vague thing that we can only assume means that he just killed them all, probably in a horrible scary way, like them all just dropping dead mysteriously, because that's just wiggety. (I have heard in other stories that God makes their chariots get stuck in mud, but I forget if that's a real translation.)
OH HO! But not Sisera, because he's a pansy ass bastard, and so we come to his part of the story. Sisera runs away from the battle, leaving behind his 900 chariots and fleeing on foot. But it's fucking hot out there in the desert and so Sisera sees this tent/house/thing, and he goes there to see if anyone's home, and if he mightn't be able to get like a juice box or something. Maybe some Gatorade.**
The woman from the tent, Jael, tells him that he looks tired and that he should have a break. She gives him a bowl of milk, as she has no Gatorade, and a couple pieces of her Kit Kit bar. Sisera drinks the milk (which was probably warm, out there in the desert), and then he probably cried tears of posttraumatic pissedness, and then he falls into exhausted sleep.
The plot reaches its max0r here, because Jael, wife of a friend of the Israelites, knows who Sisera is, and instead of just tying him up and calling the general of the Israelite armies, or Deborah, she takes matters into her own hand by RAMMING A TENT PEG INTO SISERA'S TEMPLE.***
Then everyone has a party.
I shit you not. That's like the end of the story, minus some singing and some crying, and a horrible cut scene where we Sisera's mother and aunts talking bout how late he is from his little war and how he BETTER being something good home, like some bling bling. Little do they know that he HAS A TENT PEG RAMMED INTO HIS SKULL.
Selah.
The point of this story being translated here? That migraine I had last night? Yeah, it was kind of like that.
* The Israelites whine a lot in the OT, so don't you DARE tell me that I mistranslated the story. Usually they whine between the books of Exodus and up until the end of II Samuel. Probably because they have no real home and they're tired, but it is whining nonetheless. In fact, they were punished for whining several times, once with a 40-year trek in the desert. Yay!
**While the bible doesn't mention Gatorade by name, critics and translators pretty much agree that it existed, but was referred to as "thine holy waters, oh Lord, that thou hast rained down to quench my thirst." It is the of the word "quench" that has caused the new translation.
***For those of interested, this might shed some light on me: as I was too Christian to trick or treat when I was a child, my parents would take us to the Church party on Halloween night, where everyone would dress up like Bible characters and get bags of candy. One fateful Halloween, I was Jael. Yes, they let me have a tent peg. They stopped short of letting my brother be Sisera. No, that didn't stop me from trying. I probably would have been better off Trick Or Treating.
And because the migraine meds make me wacky:
You are Butterbear from the Wuzzles! No one really
knows what to make of you. In fact, your
mixed-up personality (and appearance) freaks
some people out. That's probably why you
weren't on the air for very long. You're not
for everyone, but your true friends love your
uniqueness.
Which Forgotten 80s Cartoon Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Sisera is a Canaanite who hopes to trounce those pesky Israelites that keep flooding all over the land, demanding that THEIR God told them THEY could have the fertile valley, nayh nyah nyah. Sisera, who is a right ashram-worshipping HEATHEN, gets his army together, and they roll their chariots out into the desert to defeat the Israelites, because dude, they're getting annoying.
But LO! God did it on purpose because his chosen kids were pissing him off, what with the not offering sacrifices and staying holy and shit, and so he sells them out to the Canaanites, who are all like, "uh, thank you holy evil dude!" After the Israelites whine* and complain that they feel betrayed, God talks to this chick named Deborah and tells her what up, and that she'll have to do something about this to unify the 12 tribes of Israel, who are bickering more than the Brady kids. She pulls a Mike Reed and sits them all down, saying "see those chariots? Off in the distance? They're coming for your ass if you don't listen to me." And lo, the people listened, because you know, chariots are like Sherman tanks in the biblical days; they mean your enemy is more prepared and mobile.
There's a lot of singing, and there are two versions of the story, though I prefer the one that is in verse. However, in THAT version, Deborah warms the hearts of the tribes with a cool island song…or is that cools the hearts of the tribes with a hot island song? ANYWAY, the tribes agree that they doth not wish to be exterminated and they band together and set out to defeat the Canaanites and their pesky wheeled conveyances. Unfortunately, they are outnumbered, and if I didn't say it before, HELLO? CHARIOTS!
Anyway, the Israelites listen to God and he subsequently puts all of Sisera's army "to the sword", a vague thing that we can only assume means that he just killed them all, probably in a horrible scary way, like them all just dropping dead mysteriously, because that's just wiggety. (I have heard in other stories that God makes their chariots get stuck in mud, but I forget if that's a real translation.)
OH HO! But not Sisera, because he's a pansy ass bastard, and so we come to his part of the story. Sisera runs away from the battle, leaving behind his 900 chariots and fleeing on foot. But it's fucking hot out there in the desert and so Sisera sees this tent/house/thing, and he goes there to see if anyone's home, and if he mightn't be able to get like a juice box or something. Maybe some Gatorade.**
The woman from the tent, Jael, tells him that he looks tired and that he should have a break. She gives him a bowl of milk, as she has no Gatorade, and a couple pieces of her Kit Kit bar. Sisera drinks the milk (which was probably warm, out there in the desert), and then he probably cried tears of posttraumatic pissedness, and then he falls into exhausted sleep.
The plot reaches its max0r here, because Jael, wife of a friend of the Israelites, knows who Sisera is, and instead of just tying him up and calling the general of the Israelite armies, or Deborah, she takes matters into her own hand by RAMMING A TENT PEG INTO SISERA'S TEMPLE.***
Then everyone has a party.
I shit you not. That's like the end of the story, minus some singing and some crying, and a horrible cut scene where we Sisera's mother and aunts talking bout how late he is from his little war and how he BETTER being something good home, like some bling bling. Little do they know that he HAS A TENT PEG RAMMED INTO HIS SKULL.
Selah.
The point of this story being translated here? That migraine I had last night? Yeah, it was kind of like that.
* The Israelites whine a lot in the OT, so don't you DARE tell me that I mistranslated the story. Usually they whine between the books of Exodus and up until the end of II Samuel. Probably because they have no real home and they're tired, but it is whining nonetheless. In fact, they were punished for whining several times, once with a 40-year trek in the desert. Yay!
**While the bible doesn't mention Gatorade by name, critics and translators pretty much agree that it existed, but was referred to as "thine holy waters, oh Lord, that thou hast rained down to quench my thirst." It is the of the word "quench" that has caused the new translation.
***For those of interested, this might shed some light on me: as I was too Christian to trick or treat when I was a child, my parents would take us to the Church party on Halloween night, where everyone would dress up like Bible characters and get bags of candy. One fateful Halloween, I was Jael. Yes, they let me have a tent peg. They stopped short of letting my brother be Sisera. No, that didn't stop me from trying. I probably would have been better off Trick Or Treating.
And because the migraine meds make me wacky:
You are Butterbear from the Wuzzles! No one really
knows what to make of you. In fact, your
mixed-up personality (and appearance) freaks
some people out. That's probably why you
weren't on the air for very long. You're not
for everyone, but your true friends love your
uniqueness.
Which Forgotten 80s Cartoon Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-01-15 12:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-15 12:56 pm (UTC)The army is comin'
To send your ass a-runnin'
And if you're scared then get prepared, and get yourself gunnin'!
CHORUS:
We got the god that puts us on top.
He sold us to the Canaanites but now he's gonna rock.
Get your gat and the chariot stat and then my homies gonna clock you so you bettah get BACK!
This is vaguely reminiscient of the Beastie Boys Paul Revere.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-15 05:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-15 02:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-15 04:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-15 04:19 pm (UTC)Morbo offers his condolences!
Date: 2004-01-15 04:58 pm (UTC)Re: Morbo offers his condolences!
Date: 2004-01-15 05:07 pm (UTC)Perish in fire?
Date: 2004-01-15 05:12 pm (UTC)Ah! Morbo understands. You wish to provoke Morbo to kill you, that your end will be swift and painless. It is a clever plan. It is a cunning plan. Morbo salutes you for your craftiness, and will comply with your wishes. But not just now. Morbo promises, however, that you will never see it coming.
Re: Perish in fire?
Date: 2004-01-15 05:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-15 05:12 pm (UTC)"Kittens give Morbo gas. In lighter news, the city of New New York is doomed.
Blame rests with known human Professor Hubert Farnsworth and his tiny, inferior brain."
Sorry, couldn't resist!
You are He-Man from Masters of the Universe! You
take life very seriously, and you should,
considering you are the keeper of all that is
good and right in the universe! However, your
nonstop suspicion of Skeletor and his henchman
can start your friends wondering why you don't
loosen up once in awhile.
(http://quizilla.com/users/FakeBrunette/quizzes/Which%20Forgotten%2080s%20Cartoon%20Character%20Are%20You%3F/)
no subject
Date: 2004-01-15 08:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-15 08:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-15 09:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-15 09:15 pm (UTC)This does not make me fun at parties. Being able to do three keg stands in a row does, hoever, so it all balances out.
The Complete Manga of God
Date: 2004-01-15 11:42 pm (UTC)David & JOhnathan take 300 philistine Foreskins.
Shamgaar takes on 800 Philistines with his Oxgoad.
Jesus goes postal on the traders in the temples. Seriously, im sure in the REAL event he used all kinds of Matrixy powers. We're talking about the son of God here. He must have done SOMETHING in that rumble to make the Pharasies fear him enough to not have him whacked outright. (read: POOR IMPLUSE CONTROL)
Revelations would be outright trippy and read like a the ending to Final Fantasy.
Damn straight mum-n-dad kept you and your stake away from me because they knew I would go Ehud on you.
Re: The Complete Manga of God
Date: 2004-01-15 11:53 pm (UTC)Dude, the rest of the post? Seriously, I'm not getting it here.
Forgotten 80s Cartoon Characters
Date: 2004-01-15 11:37 pm (UTC)Re: Forgotten 80s Cartoon Characters
Date: 2004-01-15 11:55 pm (UTC)Jael!
Date: 2004-01-16 03:35 am (UTC)I was *lucky* enough to get sent to a C of E private all girls school. THis means prayers every morning and I had read the Bible, cover to cover (out of boredom during prayers more then anything else) by the time I was 13!
We actually got taught the story of Jael and Sisera in Religious Education when we were about 10! This was on the grounds that she was a 'positive' female role model!!! *snorts* I remember I drew a particularly gory picture to accompany my essay. It which showed Jael hammering the tent peg into Sisera's head and I got an A for it.
And my parents wonder *why* I am the way I am!... *laughing*
Bible stories
Date: 2004-01-16 06:22 pm (UTC)But only because an old friend of mine who was the PK (preacher's kid) at about the age of six, went to his Sunday school class and found it without a teacher. Being a responsible child, he suggested to his classmates that they *play* Shadrach, Mishak, and Obednigo. The entire class on 6 year olds trooped down to the basement and chose three children to play the characters of Shadrack, Mishak, and Obednigo.
Those three went into the furnace to play their parts (was summer and furnace was not on). The other children shut the door, got involved in playing other games and forgot at about S, M, and O who were left to their own devices in the not so fiery furnace.
During the sermon, the entire congregation was treated to the sounds of loud thumping, cries for help, and clanging via the ducts rising to the sanctuary.
The children in the furnace were rescued and the most of congregation was vastly amused. I was never told how the parent of Shadrach, Mishak, and Ogednigo felt about situation.
Re: Jael!
Date: 2004-01-16 09:47 pm (UTC)Re: Jael!
Date: 2004-01-18 08:19 am (UTC)The Judith and Holofernese painting is in Naples, Museo di Capolodimonte. She has another one of just her maid with the head in a basket, I think.
Her painting instructor raped her when she was 19 and she took legal action against him; she was tortured as part of her interrogation.
Re: Jael!
Date: 2004-01-18 10:16 am (UTC)