A reading from the Book of Chuck
Jan. 9th, 2004 01:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amand_rThe Book of Chuck
1 On this day, 28 years ago, a star shone in the sky. It was big and bright and strangely red. 2And astronomers said, "What the hell is that?" 3Doomsday prophets said that the end of the world was near, and the President contemplated going to DEFCON 5. Or DEFCON1, as the author always gets the order mixed up.
4And Lo! shepherd watching their flocks saw the star and said, "Hey Bob, what
the hell do you think that is?" 5And the other shepherd, Bob, replied, "Oh, who the fuck cares. Let's go have a quickie by the haystack." 6And verily the other shepherd, who was a randy fellow (ironically named Randy) shrugged his shoulders and said, "Alright."
7And so three wise men from the back hills of West Virginia saw the star and they thought, "what the fuck?" and they tracked it on their telescopes (which resembled paper towel tubes) and determined that it shone onto Pittsburgh, and that this must mean that the next starting quarterback for the Steelers was about to be born, and that he would save their team from total suckitude. 8The wise men, Clem, Jeb, and Stanley, gathered together their offerings and made the two hour trip to the far far city in their beat up 57 Chevy with no muffler.
9The star grew brighter, and people were starting to think that all the LSD they had taken a few years ago in 69 was probably a bad idea, but in the end decided to just take it in stride. 10It is said that one man saw the pink and red hues the star made in the atmosphere and as inspired to create a lightshow, which he set to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" and still plays in the Science Center every Saturday night to this day. 11It is often said that the show is better when viewed on LSD, as its creator had intended.
12Finally, after a mess on I79 and a very inconvenient Fort Pitt tunnel closure, Clem, Jeb and Stanley made it to the hospital over which the star's rays were most potent. 13They ventured inside, and even though they had seen the sign that said "no shoes, no shirt, no service" they paid it no heed, for lo, they were illiterate.
14Now, lay a woman screaming that she was in mortal pain and needed drugs, or
she would rip the doctor and his soothing talk a new arsehole the likes of which the world had never seen. 15Clem and Jeb and Stanley followed the singing of the woman to the room, in which she might give birth.
16And the woman said, "what the hell is that smell! GET THOSE DUMBFUCKS OUT OF HERE" for lo, she was in labor, verily and yea.
17Clem, Jeb and Stanley waited for hours in the waiting room, where they were glared at mightily and were told they could not smoke their Camel unfiltered cigarettes, until at last, a cry was heard, and the room shook, and people gripped their loved ones in shock and fear. 18Then Stanley smacked himself in the chest and said, "Sorry. I had a bean burrito for lunch." 19And he was smacked soundly by Clem and Jeb and a very helpful woman armed with a can of pepper spray.
20The doctor came to inform them that the childe had indeed been born, and that it was indeed a very large boy. 21And when they tried to go in and visit it, the doctor said, "what, are you fucking kidding me? 22And Lo, they weren't. 23But, lo, there was no way in hell he was letting them in there in their unsanitary condition.
24And so, the three w…..the three men were forced to visit their savior through the observation glass over the nursery. 25As they were not allowed to touch Him, they lay their offerings out on the floor in the room, a cannister of coffee, a mason jar full of grade f moonshine, and a Lynyrd Skynyrd LP that has a big scratch in it. 26They gave praise to their savior, singing,
27"Oh gloria, and in excetera Dio, who sings badass
wicked rock. 28And uhm, some other stuff, great leader,
throw a wicked snap from the twenty yard line,
and beat those Bear bastards back to Cleveland,
because they stink, amen."
29And they left their costly gifts in the hall as they left. Later a custodian named Steve found them, and threw out the coffee. 30But he took home the moonshine and the LP, where he and his six month girl friend Jenny got drunk listening to Sweet Home Alabama, and lo, Jenny let him touch her boob for the first time.
31"That feels good," said Jenny, giggling, for lo, she was toasted. 32"We should do it." 33And Steve said, "are you sure? I don't want to hurt you." 34And Jenny said, "Yea and verily, I doth be in the mood, an'at." 35And then she licked his ear. 36And then Steve banged his girlfriend for the first time. 37But she got pregnant and they were married and Steve quit his job at the hospital to work in a Subway, where he was made Assistant Manager.
38And lo, from the birth of Chuck these things happened. 39Yea and verily he doth be bitchin'.
Selah
1 On this day, 28 years ago, a star shone in the sky. It was big and bright and strangely red. 2And astronomers said, "What the hell is that?" 3Doomsday prophets said that the end of the world was near, and the President contemplated going to DEFCON 5. Or DEFCON1, as the author always gets the order mixed up.
4And Lo! shepherd watching their flocks saw the star and said, "Hey Bob, what
the hell do you think that is?" 5And the other shepherd, Bob, replied, "Oh, who the fuck cares. Let's go have a quickie by the haystack." 6And verily the other shepherd, who was a randy fellow (ironically named Randy) shrugged his shoulders and said, "Alright."
7And so three wise men from the back hills of West Virginia saw the star and they thought, "what the fuck?" and they tracked it on their telescopes (which resembled paper towel tubes) and determined that it shone onto Pittsburgh, and that this must mean that the next starting quarterback for the Steelers was about to be born, and that he would save their team from total suckitude. 8The wise men, Clem, Jeb, and Stanley, gathered together their offerings and made the two hour trip to the far far city in their beat up 57 Chevy with no muffler.
9The star grew brighter, and people were starting to think that all the LSD they had taken a few years ago in 69 was probably a bad idea, but in the end decided to just take it in stride. 10It is said that one man saw the pink and red hues the star made in the atmosphere and as inspired to create a lightshow, which he set to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" and still plays in the Science Center every Saturday night to this day. 11It is often said that the show is better when viewed on LSD, as its creator had intended.
12Finally, after a mess on I79 and a very inconvenient Fort Pitt tunnel closure, Clem, Jeb and Stanley made it to the hospital over which the star's rays were most potent. 13They ventured inside, and even though they had seen the sign that said "no shoes, no shirt, no service" they paid it no heed, for lo, they were illiterate.
14Now, lay a woman screaming that she was in mortal pain and needed drugs, or
she would rip the doctor and his soothing talk a new arsehole the likes of which the world had never seen. 15Clem and Jeb and Stanley followed the singing of the woman to the room, in which she might give birth.
16And the woman said, "what the hell is that smell! GET THOSE DUMBFUCKS OUT OF HERE" for lo, she was in labor, verily and yea.
17Clem, Jeb and Stanley waited for hours in the waiting room, where they were glared at mightily and were told they could not smoke their Camel unfiltered cigarettes, until at last, a cry was heard, and the room shook, and people gripped their loved ones in shock and fear. 18Then Stanley smacked himself in the chest and said, "Sorry. I had a bean burrito for lunch." 19And he was smacked soundly by Clem and Jeb and a very helpful woman armed with a can of pepper spray.
20The doctor came to inform them that the childe had indeed been born, and that it was indeed a very large boy. 21And when they tried to go in and visit it, the doctor said, "what, are you fucking kidding me? 22And Lo, they weren't. 23But, lo, there was no way in hell he was letting them in there in their unsanitary condition.
24And so, the three w…..the three men were forced to visit their savior through the observation glass over the nursery. 25As they were not allowed to touch Him, they lay their offerings out on the floor in the room, a cannister of coffee, a mason jar full of grade f moonshine, and a Lynyrd Skynyrd LP that has a big scratch in it. 26They gave praise to their savior, singing,
27"Oh gloria, and in excetera Dio, who sings badass
wicked rock. 28And uhm, some other stuff, great leader,
throw a wicked snap from the twenty yard line,
and beat those Bear bastards back to Cleveland,
because they stink, amen."
29And they left their costly gifts in the hall as they left. Later a custodian named Steve found them, and threw out the coffee. 30But he took home the moonshine and the LP, where he and his six month girl friend Jenny got drunk listening to Sweet Home Alabama, and lo, Jenny let him touch her boob for the first time.
31"That feels good," said Jenny, giggling, for lo, she was toasted. 32"We should do it." 33And Steve said, "are you sure? I don't want to hurt you." 34And Jenny said, "Yea and verily, I doth be in the mood, an'at." 35And then she licked his ear. 36And then Steve banged his girlfriend for the first time. 37But she got pregnant and they were married and Steve quit his job at the hospital to work in a Subway, where he was made Assistant Manager.
38And lo, from the birth of Chuck these things happened. 39Yea and verily he doth be bitchin'.
Selah
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Date: 2004-01-09 12:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-09 12:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-09 02:00 pm (UTC)Unfortunantly, even my powers are great enough to stop the Steelers from sucking. I doubt any savior is that great.
Ironically, the mufflerless 57 chevy is now for sale on eBay. Clem, Jeb, and Stanley not included. Rumor has it that they are holding the muffler hostage until the rest of the car is returned.
Amen, An'nat!