'b' is for basil, assaulted by bears

[amand_r]

So, yet another story finished. I keep this up, I'll be finished with all my obligations by…next Sunday. BRILLIANT! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?



1. OMG I FUCKING HATE ITUNES. I've never had issues with it, really. I don't mine how it categorizes music, because that's how I do it in my head. But I let apple install the latest version, and they put in all kinds of shit that I cannot get out of. Like Tunes DJ. No I don't use it, I DON'T EVEN WANT TO SEE IN ON MY SIDE COLUMN. BUT YOU CANNOT GET RID OF IT.

AND THE STORE. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE STORE. ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT THEY WANT TO CHARGE ME 1.29 FOR A SONG NOW, THE STORE DOESN'T EVEN FIT ON MY EFFING SCREEN. I HAVE TO SIDE SCROLL. I'M NEVER BUYING ANYTHING SONG-RELATED FROM APPLE EVER AGAIN. APPLE, YOUR LACK OF PRACTICAL AESTHEICS HAS PRETTY MUCH MADE ME A PIRATE.

Well that, and I can't even email you to tell you how much I hate it because you have no relevant email address available. And also you won't let me buy "You're the Best" from the Karate Kid soundtrack.

I know ways to fix it. I just wanted to bitch about HOW THEY GET YA.

2. In my renewed spirit of jackassery, I want to mention that I recently read an old post that contained an honest to god instructional manual on breathing AND walking properly re: how to post a fanfiction. I had originally linked to it, but then I thought I was being a meanie and took it out, but she linked to it today in a very condescending community post today, so it's fair game. Next this winsome individual is going to teach us how to cure cancer, walk and chew gum at the same time, and invent a round device that when attached to the bottoms of heavy objects, will roll so that we might transport things more easily.

I have been writing (fan fiction) for 7 years, these general rules have been passed down from writers who have been writing fan fiction since the 80's, back when you traded your fan fiction at cons, and on floppy disks!

You may all start laughing right now. Go ahead. Let it flow from you like mucus, or…I dunno, if you're Crue, projectile vomit. Or if you think both of those are gross, like that scene in Small Worlds with the rose petals. Yeah.

DISCLAIMER: Hate the sin not the sinner, people. I'm sure they were trying to help. I can't help it; I'm old.

I imagine that this fanfic writer from the eighties passed these down on a stone tablet. In fact, I just cast all of you in the Cecil B DeMille version of it in my head. You're all running about, having orgies and laying on a big gold calf in your clothing that is a reasonably accurate facsimile of the 80's, but your hair is from now (because that's how they did it back in the 60's you know, look at Julie Christie's bouffant in Dr Zhivago), and you're eating noms and…I dunno, not using disclaimers and and uh, being noob like, and the fanfic writer from the 80's comes down with the tablets---NO NO NO.

The OP comes down from the mountain, and sees us all being like, nooby, and she breaks the harddrive tablets and storms away.

Later we shall all be contrite and write disclaimers for our fics and they will grind the golden RPS calf into powder and put it in the water and make us drink it.

Don't ever say that my vast biblical knowledge is bad. DON'T YOU DARE. (In my head, I said that like Richard Gere in "Officer and a Gentlemen": I AIN'T GOT NO PLACE ELSE TO GO.)

3. Clearly the best comic book ever. From the comments: Very Important Messages About Racism are so much more awesome when they’re delivered in rhyme by a demon who is slapping a Nazi. That's so very very true. And also: Clearly what needs to happen is that they need to put out a set of big hard-bound comic collections called simply “FUCK YEAH! The World’s Most Awesome Comic Stories!” Yes. I would buy the whole set.

4. WHY ARE PEOPLE NOT READING THIS GWEN/IANTO? HOLY FUCKING CHRIST. ANON, EMAIL ME AT TOUCHWOODMOD AT GMAIL DOT COM AND TELL ME WHO YOU ARE. I HAVE BEEN PRACTICING MY INTERNET ORAL SKILLS.

ETA: OMG THIS WAS cruentum! I AM SO SORRY, XIAO DI DI! MY BRAIN IS GONE! HOW DID I MISS THIS? WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!?

5. All my life, I have made a practice of hating Oasis. It's because of Wonderwall. I hate Wonderwall with a burning that is like…when they set the policeman on fire in The Wicker Man. Do they burn a giant metal dude at Burning Man? If they did, that's what it would look like, my hate for Wonderwall. Like if Burning Man took place in Hell. And I was Satan. Anyway. That said, "Don't Look Back In Anger" is possibly my favorite song right now.

EVERYONE CAN LAUGH AT ME NOW. I HATE YOU NOEL GALLAGHER. I HATE YOU SO BAD. AFTER ALL, YOU'RE MY WONDER---MUTHERFUCKER.

6. Look, people, I know that you love John, and you want to thank him for being awesome, and so you give him gifts. From what I understand, lots of gifts, even when he asks you not to. I get it. It's like being part of the action, giving a gift. And I am sure that you are all nice people, and when he says, "please no, with the gifts" you think to yourself that you are the exception. But the fact of the matter is that EVERYONE thinks they are the exception, and then John gets flooded with gifts every time he mentions what his favorite loo roll is (I bet it's Scott brand). The end result, you cock knockers, is that I am DENIED THE KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT DISNEY CHARACTER JOHN WOULD LIKE TO DO THE VOICE FOR. THIS IS A TRAVESTY.

I have set up a poll for this moment.

[Poll #1493267]



I feel I have accomplished a lot today and I haven't even slept yet. Sleep gives you cancer, man, everybody knows that.

Comments

[misswinterhill.livejournal.com]

I'm so fucking hardcore I used to write my X-Files fanfiction in BOOKS. BOOKS, man. We didn't have no stinking fucking computers. Just books and pens and our own blood and tears.

I have not updated iTunes yet because I am a lazy person and I hate shutting my computer down. And now I am afeared of New Developments. Argh.

[topgeargirl2.livejournal.com]

I only started writing fanfiction in 2007 so I've always written on computers. I didn't realise we had rules for fan fiction we had to follow. I do know that slash fiction dates back to star trek when fans were shipping Kirk and Spock.

I don't have iTunes. I just use Windows media player and that's working fine.

[madder-rose.livejournal.com]

Robin Hood. I dunno, but I've got thid dark green hood I was going to make for him and ship in the post and-

*grabs Corner Store Bought Beer*

[51stcenturyfox.livejournal.com]

John gets flooded with gifts every time he mentions what his favorite loo roll is (I bet it's Scott brand).

Ahahaha!

Yes, it's possible to hate Wonderwall and like other Oasis songs. I join you in this anomalous behaviour!

iTunes

[rednwhiterose.livejournal.com]

You know, I don't mind the new stuff iTunes has done. The home sharing is nice (my sister can now have all the music from me she wants and vice versa). My problem with it is that every time I want to listen to the next song in a list I can't hit the next button at the top of my iTunes...I have to double click the next song. And I have to agree that having to scroll cuz it won't fit in my screen is annoying.

[iantos-first.livejournal.com]

ok... somehow I see John doing Pepe LePew. Come on, charming lover of.. well,everyone! That's John.

[vae]

Considering the person in question posted a fic that was complete and utter BULLSHIT with regards to British hospitals, I see her "research, people!" and push it rapidly up her rather tight backside without lube or prep.

...and she's not even a decent writer. Or the BNF she obviously likes to think she is.

[smirnoffmule.livejournal.com]

I think Oasis are one of the most overrated bands EVA. They've only ever done four good songs in their entire lives (of which one is Don't Look Back in Anger), and Liam is a tit, and Noel only pretends he isn't a tit. I voted Blur, back when it mattered, and I still do.

In conclusion: Yes, your feelings on this issue are normal and natural and heretics should be burned.

Also, John Barrowman would like to be the wise baboon in the Lion King.

DUH!

[kel-reiley.livejournal.com]

to clarify) Gaston, not the lil round one

[phaetonschariot.livejournal.com]

I have been writing (fan fiction) for 7 years, these general rules have been passed down from writers who have been writing fan fiction since the 80's, back when you traded your fan fiction at cons, and on floppy disks!

Dude when I joined fandom, totally trufax here, I was in a local group of fen and we traded HARD COPY. LIKE, ON PAPER. I also vidded back in the day with two VCRS and a tape deck.

CAN I HAVE THE SUPER SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE AWARD NOW? FLOPPY DISKS DON'T GET YOU THE AWARD LADY. SRY. IT'S MINE.

Also, glancing at that page, n00b can't have been passed down. Sorry. No one used that word back then. Ditto anything regarding LJ. We did not have these rules on Usenet. If you're going to get into "rules" that were "passed down" back in the old days of fic writing, you're going to be talking about things like a chapter is 32kb of text because that was what fit in a post. Or how things were formatted with linebreaks at 60 characters so you didn't get long-short-long-short lines.

[lionessvalenti.livejournal.com]

If someone wanted to go to all the trouble take me to court for my fanfic and my non-proper disclaimer, I'd be like "Really? Isn't this going to COST you more money than you're going to get because I'm unemployed? Hence all the fanfic?"

Besides, if someone wanted to take you to court over it, they would. People who don't want fanfic about their stuff make it clear, no matter how you disclaim it. Anne Rice loves sending out those C&D letters.

[easilymused1956.livejournal.com]

Shreck. I think John would love to play Shreck. And he could, the musical is running on Broadway.

I used to write in loose leaf binders. Much better than spiral-bound notebooks.

Also, I'm a cheap bitch. I listen to free AOL radio. I can take a couple of commercials once an hour.

Renee

[taffimai.livejournal.com]

By no means the most batshit thing she's done.

[quean-of-swords.livejournal.com]

Cruella DeVil, Cruella DeVil... if she doesn't scare you, no evil thing will...

[arsenicjade.livejournal.com]

Dude. I had to PEEL myself away from explaining why, in fact, EVEN IN THE US, disclaimers mean diddly squat in court. I hate you.

[arsenicjade.livejournal.com]

I have not, admittedly been paying attention to OTW for my own reasons, but I suspect what they're hoping is that someone who normally, yes, WOULDN'T defy a C&D due the litigation costs will be willing to if they can fund it. (Honestly, I'm not sure why they aren't trying to find lawyers to put in a little pro-bono, since I know for a fact there are IP lawyers involved with OTW, but whatevs.) So, essentially, they're trying to fight the First Amendment/Parody Law/IP issues so that there is more clear caselaw on the matter for when other sites/authors get those C&D's.

[kwanalicious.livejournal.com]

Fucking hell. If you can't even differentiate between the various "their," "they're" and "there" or understand that adding an apostrophe between a word and the letter S does NOT make it plural, YOU HAVE NO PLACE CONDESCENDING TO OTHERS BY ORDERING THEM TO EDIT THEIR WORK..."severe learning disability" or not. ugh. gtfo.