'a' is for amy, who fell down the stairs.

[amand_r]

I spent yesterday procrastinating and writing and finishing my crimmas cards, which, if I do say so myself, are pretty fucking funny. I'll post them sometime closer to the holiday, because they need to be shared.

But I get ahead of myself! Today!

1. First holiday writing deadline has been reached. I feel a sense of inner calm. Or panic. Calm and panic are the same thing, right? Like Jedward? Or syphilis=the clap? Holy shit, maybe I've gone plaid.

2. I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT CRIMMAS IS THE TIME OF YEAR IN WHICH WE GIVE PRESENTS. MOTHER FUCKER. EYE STABBY. ALSO, I HAVE TO BUY MY KID BIRTHDAY PRESENTS. I cannot wait until she is old enough so we can do it the easy way:

Me: What do you want for your birthday?
Her: (something age inappropriate)
Me: Try again.
Her: (something I am ethically opposed to. For those of you playing the home game, these are few and far between, so she's probably just asked for her own hooker or a Bratz doll. Possibly a box of crack.)
Me: It's funny. Your mouth is making noise, but none of the sounds coming out of it are forming understandable words.
Her: (something hideously expensive, akin to an iPod or a painting made by Paris Hilton's dog.)
Me: Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to give you this thirty-dollar gift certificate to X.
Her: Score.
Me: I'm glad we have these moments.
Her: Yeah.
Me: Let's hug.
Her: Okay.
(cue sitcom music)

3. Over at IJ, daily_deviant is kicking off their pron/kink-filled gift exchange fest, so go on over and read something hideously filthy, if you're into Harry Potter. I wrote one, but they're anon, so I can't say which. You might guess anyway. But yeah. Okay.



4. HOLY SHIT WHEN I WAS IN KANSAS, TWO THINGS HAPPENED:

a) My kid wore her shiny pink John Barrowman skinny pants, and she was FANTASTIC FANTASTIC FANTASTIC.
b) My kid took a knee into a cactus. In the shiny Barrowman pants, which are now filled with tiny invisible spines. I am pretty sure that even if I wash them, the spines will be lurking in the pants like fiberglass shreds. So yeah, that might have been the only run. BUT I HAVE PICTURES:


I call this her "shocked Britney" expression.


And a little snarl for mommy.

5. I HAVE EATEN A POMEGRANATE FOR THE FIRST TIME. Honest to god, it's just never seemed the place or time, and I've never bought one for myself and managed to eat it. I am always thwarted. It's a mass conspiracy (It's funny how my pomegranate story is much like most people's anal sex story, and my anal sex story is probably like most people's pomegranate stories. Huh. TMI.). Well, last week, I snagged some of my sister-in-law's, and it was not nearly as messy as I was led to believe, and also? I'm going to hell for a long time because I ate all the seeds. Hopefully Hades is a hottie, and not like…James Woods or something. Imma buy me a bunch of them at the sto' (Wow, even the second half of that story could be read with sex goggles on. We should run an experiment to see how many things can me taken sexually. That's what she said.).

6. I have a confession. I know that Sam Walton and Wal-Mart is the devil, people, but CostCo isn't much better, and they are a billion miles away, so I'm going to get me a Sam's Club membership. I felt like I had to confess that, because I feel bad about supporting the man, but I use my parents' one anyway, so I might as well be honest about it. I like 30-dollar boxes of diapers. And those mozzarella-prosciutto rolls that you get in the deli. Don't judge until you've eaten one of those and had to floss.

And they are the only place that sells Super Rope. For those of you reading from yesterday, this is also HOW THEY GET YA. I bet Sam's has bulk pomegranates. Holy fuck, I wonder if they have bulk Bagelfuls.

7. BETTY WHITE, YOU ARE ONE CRAZY AWESOME LADY.

8. blue_fjords continues to be the best person in the universe by sending me this last night when I was feeling low for spanking my kid before bedtime. Srsly, people, it was RIDIC, last night.

9. OKAY. I have tried to explain the blue liquor laws of Pennsylvania to others, but it's complicated. The bottom line is, you cannot buy beer in a store, pretty much. If I want a six pack, I better hope there's a bar open somewhere or a distributor, in which case I have to buy a case. Forties are hard to find, and buying a single can of beer is unheard of. That said, SHEETZ has had a few experimental convenience stores that have been selling six packs with much success. Now they're trying to petition lawmakers to reexamine the sale of beer in stores. Normally, I think online petitions are shite, but when one is sponsored by a big chain, I think we might be able to get something done.

http://www.freemybeer.com/

Because mommy needs Stella at 11:57 on a Tuesday night sometimes.



That is all. There aren't the droids you're looking for. There aren't the droids we're looking for. You can go about your business. You can go about your business. Move along. Move along.

Comments

[smirnoffmule.livejournal.com]

Well, last week, I snagged some of my sister-in-law's, and it was not nearly as messy as I was led to believe, and also? I'm going to hell for a long time because I ate all the seeds.

Very much exactly like my some people's anal sex stories, except for the part where it was your SIL.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

You have obviously never been to Northern Wales. Or West Virginia.

[phaetonschariot.livejournal.com]

I was wondering what "ate all the seeds" was an anal sex metaphor for.

[queenfanfiction.livejournal.com]

Sam's Club? Is awesome. :D My parents have a company membership, and now we do practically ALL our grocery shopping there. Which does mean that we're buying at the whim of their distributors, but hey, it's dirt cheap for about a month's worth of food...

Also, Number 2 started happening in our family when I was 10. Although my mum never offered certificate to X, she'd give me a piece of paper saying I OWE YOU BLANK, LOTS OF LOVE FROM MUM and then that would be it until next Christmas. :D (You can see I suck at the holiday spirit. Our family can't even do cards properly.)

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I like to get loo roll from there. And super ropes.

[blue-fjords.livejournal.com]

I have so been wanting to try a pomegranate! I mean that in a rather unsexual way. I think. But, uh, I thought you were supposed to eat the seeds? Clearly I know nothing about pomegranates... take that as you will.

Those pink pants? OMG. What a goober. She is so cute. And had better be well-behaved for her bedtime tonight!

Pennsylvania is so weird. For reals. M is from PA, too. :)

And CONGRATS on finishing something!!!!

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

OMG WHEN YOU COME AGAIN, WE SHOULD EAT POMEGRANATES. (COME FOR CNY).

I don't think you should eat the seeds, like watermelon seeds, but I eat those too, so I'm the worst judge. and that was the gauge of how long Persephone was supposed to stay in hell with Hades: on month for every seed she injected (they're the fruit of the dead). I ate like, fifty, so...

[pocketmouse]

Ha ha, the last pomegranate story I ran across involved cutting it in quarters and immersing it in waters, so HELLS YEAH I'm pretty sure I don't want to hear your anal sex stories. :D

Also, I totally get the liquor thing, we have laws like that in MD and it was very very annoying where I used to live. Now I have multiple stores in walking distance! I love it!

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHA NOT EVEN I WANT TO HEAR MY ANAL SEX STORIES!

THEY NEED TO FREE MY EFFING BEER.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

They would make cute shorts! I would cut them off into either shorts or into pants just-above the knee. They are so cute!

I think I need to go read the link to what Blue sent you.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

haaahahahah it's awesome!

Yeah, those pants. I need to think of something.

[cyprinella]

I'm from Michigan so all of the east coast/Mid-Atlantic liquor laws are bizarre. However, PA does take the cake. I hope they change that stuff up for you soon.

We go to BJ's which is not quite as evil as Sam's and it's called BJ's. I mean, come on.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

HAAAHAHAHAH BJ. SUPERB.

[phaetonschariot.livejournal.com]

Our liquor laws: you have to be 18. Supermarkets don't sell spirits.

This is why we have so much of a problem with drink driving and alcohol-related crimes.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I wish there was empirical evidence of that. Do they have that problem in the UK?

[quean-of-swords.livejournal.com]

I had a pomegranate today. It was brilliant. Am also going to be in hell for a very, very long time. And I'm gratified that I'm not the only person who thinks of Persephone and Hades when they eat one. I can't NOT think about them when I eat them. I do love them, though.

Also pomegranate vs. anal sex made me laugh so hard that I scared the cat.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Haahahah I REALLY LIKE THEM TOO, AND THAT IS ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT. Well, that and, "Man. No wonder pomegranate juice is so fucking expensive." I'm putting together a post of nothing but cocktails for the holidays, and one of my recipes calls for it. Now I'm all moody.

I was just rereading that and the anal sex thing struck me. Struck me like a eighty year old lady's cane in the head at the K-Mart parking lot

[kel-reiley.livejournal.com]

7. that made my day :)

9. omg, move to michigan, you can buy beer at the gas station or 7-11 (open 24hrs)

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

SHE'S ONE CRAZY BITCH.

[crowie.livejournal.com]

Icelandic liquor laws:

All alcohol ads are banned

You have to be 20 to legally buy alcohol

Only special licenced shops are allowed to sell booze

They're open from 11-6pm except fridays when they're open till 7pm. Completely closed on sundays and all special holidays (christmas day, easter, independence day etc.). I just went and googled. I was wrong. Three shops in the entire country are always open until 8pm (except sundays when they're closed like the others)

There's also really high alcohol taxes, comes to roughly a dollar of extra tax PER CAN OF BEER. So for a 6 pack, you'd be paying normal price plus VAT plus 12$

..there's a reason moonshine is pretty common there.

Anyway I used to work near one of the special licenced alcohol shops and every monday morning the cops would lie in wait and surprise breathalize pretty much everyone who drove into the parking lot. It was sort of amusing to watch from my office window.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

HOLY CRAP. THANK GOD FOR THE AMISH.

[crowie.livejournal.com]

*facepalm* err.. those would be extra 6$ for the six-pack, the 12$ would be for a twelvepack clearly. My math is powerful.

[azarias.livejournal.com]

The liquor law of my homeland in the American South: a piece of masking tape over the straw hole of the styrofoam cup you got at the drive-through daiquiri stand means it's legally not an open container.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

THAT IS BOTH BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIFYING.

[madder-rose.livejournal.com]

No beer in stores?! Dear God! How can there NOT be beer in stores? It's not even hard-liquor! It's like, placed right between the Coca-Cola fridge and the Fizzy Water bottles!

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

AND THE CANS OF PIMMS AND LEMONADE! ALREADY MIXED! OH SWEET UK MOTHERLAND OF BOOZE, I MISS THEE!

[amonitrate.livejournal.com]

gah your alcohol rules are more annoying than ours, even. WHAT IS UP WITH NOT BEING ABLE TO BUY YOUR BOOZE AT THE GROCERY STORE OR RANDOM GAS STATION? I MEAN, REALLY. I miss Michigan.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I totes don't get that. Although, in FL you can buy beer by the can, and I once watched a man come out of the ABC store, open the can he'd just bought, drain it, hide the empty can in the bushes out front, then get into his car and drive away. so. sobering thought. Or not.

[arsenicjade.livejournal.com]

Those are some pretty serious pants, there.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I KNOW! MOM IS GOING TO TRY TO FIX THEM WITH DUCT TAPE.

DUCT TAPE, YOU WILL RECALL, FIXES ALL THI.

[huesiemama.livejournal.com]

Pink pants are pink. Oh, and adorable girl is adorable.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

HAAHAHAH THANK YOU WISE NON-BEARDED WOMAN.

[wynkat1313.livejournal.com]

"and also? I'm going to hell for a long time because I ate all the seeds. Hopefully Hades is a hottie, and not like…James Woods or something."

Oh trust me... Hades is uber hot and tasty. Why the hell do you think Persephone ditched daylight anyway? Not for creepy James Woods. Fuck no! I my world he runs around in skin tight black leather pants and silk shirts ALL the time. shoes are optional. There is much with the yum.

mmm... Momma Demeter is gonna get me for telling tales out of school. *sigh* oh well! :D

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

SUSE, SHE WAS TOTES ABDUCTED. AND THEN LATER SHE JUST DECIDED TO STAY BECAUSE OF THE RIPPLING ABS. THAT'S MY STORY AND I'M STICKING TO IT.

[huesiemama.livejournal.com]

Spank you very much.

Everything I need to know I learned from LOLCats. And LJ. And ask_verse.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

HAAAHAHAHAHHAHAH.

[jacquez.livejournal.com]

I had pomegranate seeds last night, in a salad.

The salad was from _Raising the Salad Bar_, and the seeds were the extra kick that made it something I would never have thought of.

I mean, it's an apple, goat cheese, and almond salad on argula. I eat that all the time. But this had POMEGRANATE SEEDS IN. which take it to a whole nother level.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I see them used as a garnish a lot. Like a sprinkling of pomegranate seeds. I'm all, WOT?

[sivatheminty.livejournal.com]

I always eat the seeds..does that mean I'm going to die a horrible, horrible death?

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

No, I think it just means that when you go to the underworld, you have to stay there.

[aster-laevis.livejournal.com]

I had a Gashlycrumb Tinies poster in my dorm room. Back in the day.

I think I still have it.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

woot! I'm doing them all this month!