Or I fail at reading; I think you lost me halfway through the second paragraph.

Think we agree that you're showing-not-telling plenty in the bit you posted, though. Sometimes, as one essay once said, "He turned on the lamp," is perfectly fine writing. He doesn't need to reach for, find and pull the string. And if we were to take show-don't-tell far enough, we'd have mimes, not writers. Would make for a very different kind of porn. Less, too, probably.

That was a bit of a tangent. I'd be interested in seeing the new version, though. And okay, I get what you mean about the pacing. It wouldn't be much of a story if everything happened so fast. I still imagine the style to be distancing, if stuck to throughout, but it's hard to say for sure without reading the story.