I'm all for any fic done well (may or may not read it, but for it nonetheless). As for no dialogue, if it's not long-ass paragraphs of introspection, that's a plus. And it's not, so good on that. The bit you posted seemed more like the intro to the real story, a the-story-so-far. I'm trying to think of fanfic that used the same matter-of-fact(?) style well. One Rose/Ten II had long stretches of it, as I recall, with key scenes played out with dialogue and in more detail.

It seems like it'd be a longish story, and I think the narrative would distance the reader too much if you didn't go in and make it more immediate here and there (if that makes sense). Not sure how well it lends itself to (hot) sex scenes either, if you're going for that, but that could be because it's not my pairing. If key-scenes-dialogue doesn't do it for you, maybe you could intersperse it with short dialogue-only parts. A bit gimmicky, though, I guess.

Hm, that's a lot of ifs.