amand_r: (torchwood/ianto will fuck your shit up)
Title: Buy My Fucking Cookies
Fandom: Mander fandom
Characters: Mander, Vstroyer, You, eBay, THE DAMN ASSHOLE WOT OUTBID ME, cookies, the computer
Rating: W for WOE and C for COOKIE (it's good enough for me)
Wordcount: 1000
Author's Notes: I am totes not joking. Warning for butter.
Summary: I HAVE A STORY OF DEFEAT AND TRIUMPH TO TELL.

She was a baker desperately trying to lose weight. And desperately trying to buy DVDs. )
amand_r: (COFFEE)
I woke up this morning to this:



GAH. THIS CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING—IT'S TIME FOR NORWEGIAN COFFEE.

A PHOTO ESSAY OF MINISCULE PROPORTIONS. )
amand_r: (rps/it's barrowman country!)
This past weekend I took my kid to DC to see her family and also the pandas, who are like family. Like the shark the panda had millions of razor sharp teeth, which they use like a hacksaw to cut through bone, candy and fences. The Chinese believe that if you find a discarded panda tooth, you have the power to summons Godzilla!

Ahem.

So yeah, here was our trip, pictoral style:

VIVI AND MANDER GO TO DC (NOT DRAGON*CON) )

STAY TUNED FOR THE HALLOWEEN COOKIE DISASTER.
amand_r: (spartans dine)

"MOMMY DON'T GO TO THE BEER FESTIVAL WAH."

I wanna write this up, but I have so much to do that I really cannot spare the time, so here's a half-assed entry.

THE BIG POUR NUMBER 4 )

By: Amanda
Grade 4
amand_r: (da bing)
FIRST:

1. It is the middle of the night, and you wake from a dead sleep because you have to pee. You shuffle to the bathroom and don't even bother turning on the light because you know the way. While there you realise that you have to use feminine protection. You also notice that you run out of loo roll. You unwrap the loo roll and pull the old roll from the spool, and then sit there, half awake, holding the spool in one hand and the new roll in the other.

The spool is, I repeat, the spool is NOT the feminine protection that you have yet to retrieve. No, I stopped myself before it got that far, but I did wonder why it was so big around whilst I held it.

There's a moral (sp—is that spelled right? Moral? Morel? No that's a mushroom. Moral reminds me of sorrel, which always make me think of High Chapparal. Chapparal? Chaparale? Fuck. I'll quit before I start questioning the spelling of "the" and "chair") here, but I don't know who it is.

2. Watching season one of the Tudors again. Why does everyone give each other brooches? From now on, everyone's getting brooches from me.

Side note: OH HAI THAR, EXTREME HOTTNESS THAT IS JOHN RHYS-MYERS' ABS. HOLY FUCK.

3. In cleaning my house, I am stunned by the sheer amount of junk I have, in the form of bits and baubles and things that I cannot simply throw in a box and label. I have baskets and small boxes of little things that I simply don't know what to do with—things I no longer want and haven't needed in the past three years, not enough to unpack them from the basement boxes in which a great deal of them reside. I find myself pitching large quantities of crap. I want to be as light as possible.

Likewise, wow, half-price books, you are awesome.

Additionally, in going through my shelves and boxes of books in the basement, I am slowly filling a box of books marked, simply, "unread". So this year, I shall endeavor to empty that box. It's filled with contemporary novels, non fiction, and a bunch of classic lit I never got to. Like some Dickens and Orczy and even one or two poets whose volumes I purchased and never finished. I would promise not to buy any more books until I finish these, but that is foolhardy and something to which I can never hold myself. So I shan't lie that way. But it's a goal—read more. Read well. Read smartly.

That said, I read the latest Hamilton Merry Gentry book, Divine Misdemeanours. Hey, it's in my ereader. OMG SPOILERS )

4. OH HAI. RPF/RPS CARNIVALE THIS WEEKEND. RIGHT THE FUCK IN THIS LJ. [livejournal.com profile] cruentum IS SO EXCITED HE'S ABOUT TO VIBRATE THROUGH THE INTERNETS. THEN HE WILL BE THE GHOST IN THE SHELL, AND HE'LL HAUNT YOUR ISP AND WHEN YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF WRITING YOUR THESIS, HE'LL REPLACE ALL THE IMAGES AND PIE CHARTS IN THE DOCUMENT WITH PICTURES OF JB'S ASS. YOU MIGHT BE AMUSED. YOUR THESIS ADVISOR AT THE ENTOMOLOGY DEPARTMENT PROBABLY WON'T BE. I think I already addressed this above, but whatevs.

Don't let that happen to you. Write for the Torchwood/Doctor Who RPF Carnivale.

5. So we have a little bit of snow in Pittsburgh this past month. So some mutherfuckers decide it's a great time to do some URBAN SKIING. My favorite is probably the Joe Montana bridge at about 4:00 to the end, and if you watch the credits you not only see some awesome FAIL, but you hear them make fun of Yinzertalk, which is always fun. (h/t [livejournal.com profile] emquilxy)

6. I'm in season two of the Sopranos again. How did I miss this gem? TONY: (frustrated and with finality) Cunnilingus and psychiatry have brought us to this.

Yes. Tony. Yes.

7. My TW season 4 file is corrupted or something, and it was my back up copy. I checked the original and it has no changes since last month. It's like Jesus doesn't want me to write TW anymore. Okay, Jesus.
amand_r: (waaaaaaaa)
1. FUCKING SHARK HELL WEEK, DAY THREE: Not really pissed. More like, resigned to futility. LOL. I said it aloud—LOL. YAY!

2. Pondering how some OTC medicines for already embarrassing ailments have even more embarrassing names: Beano, Gas-X, Preparation H (which I guess is not embarrassing unless you know what it is for).

Me: Me, seriously, who likes taking PREPARATION H to the checkout aisle?
Mum: Well, there's always Anusol, that's not embar…oh wait.
Me: THAT WILL NEVER STOP BEING FUNNY.

3. Got a statement for a dental visit from a year ago from my old insurance company this weekend. Read THIS IS NOT A BILL and shrugged. Then today got a bill from my dentist saying "Sorry this is late! We just got the thing from the insurance company! LOL!" for $82. While I am told this might violate HIPPA laws, I'm just going to pay it. Still, just another reminder of the grinding wheels of humanity.

4. I'm still tired.

The rest under a cut: Dexter, writing fanfiction, why continuity errors doesn't bother me, crack, random shoes, disabling comments, when you fall out of love with fandom, and mutual fic masturbation. Oh, and Catherine Parr. And poop. )

That's it. Someone get me a fucking bear claw.

oh god no.

Feb. 8th, 2010 02:06 pm
amand_r: (amandr's angry)
So I just stirred my last cup of coffee with what I thought was my coffee spoon from this morning, but which was actually the spoon that I stirred my reheated lunch with.

Cheesy Parmesan Tuna Helper.

...


::drinks anyway::
amand_r: (COFFEE)
This is just to say that

I like that whole, "Oh, do you only like heterosexual sex?" bit.
Oh, do you only like dill pickles?
Oh, do you only like Shakespeare's early work?
Oh, did you want the plums from the ice box?
I ate them.
Forgive me.
They were delicious.
So sweet.
And so gay.

ALSO: LONGDOG IS LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG.
amand_r: (drwho/daleks!)
1. Happy Birthday, Lord Byron. I still hate your fucking poetry but want to be your drinking buddy.

2. My kid has discovered the miracle that is Disney Princess SpaghettiOs with meatballs whereas mommy feels like her childhood has been whupped upside the head with a cricket bat.

3. "At the age of 22 Conan applied for a job at Mrs. Fields, but sadly never received a call back," John Lauck, President of Mrs. Fields, tells the Daily News. "We want to officially call you back, and make amends for what we now know was a huge oversight in talent recruitment." OH I LOVE YOU.

BORDERS! I APPLIED FOR A JOB IN 2006! AND 2003! CALL ME! (omg what is wrong with me that you don't want me? Is my hair too natural looking? I CAN CHANGE! MY LIFE FOR YOU! MY LI—WELL NO, BUT—WELL, YEAH, IF YOU ESSENTIALLY CONSIDER THAT I AM OFFERING HOURS OF MY LIFE TO WORK IN YOUR STORE IN EXCHANGE FOR MONEY, I LITERALLY AM TRADING MY LIFE FOR MONEY. HIRE ME! I CAN INDEX AND COLOUR CODE, USE A STEP STOOL AND LOOK PRETENTIOUS AND BE ABSENT WHEN CUSTOMERS NEED HELP! I COULD DO THAT FOR YOU.)

4. I started using a new conditioner, and I gotta tell you people, it smells fucking fantastic. I don't know that it's any better or worse than what I was using before, conditioner wise, but it SMELLS GREAT. I HAVE BEEN HUFFING MY HAIR ALL DAY.

5. The following conversation also occurred.

Me: Wanna listen to Dream?
Her: No. Sleep!
Me: You want to go to sleep?
Her: Yeaaaaaah.
Me: You never want to go to sleep. What, are you on crack?
Her: Oh yeah, okay crack.
Me: I wasn't offering.

Then she spent fifteen minutes trying to cram the stuffed giraffe into her ski pants. OH I HAVEN'T SHOWED YOU THE GIRAFFE AND HIS CLOTHING ADVENTURES. I have been remiss. )

6. [livejournal.com profile] opium_and_tea I owe you, and it's partially done! I have showed it to peoples! So, soon, but I need to pause-button today to work some shit out in RL. Muther fuckers.

7. mini-meme: Five Favorite Female Characters, because I ain't putting pics up for you: a) Princess Fucking Leia, b) Vanyel's Aunt Savil in the Last Herald Mage books, c) Gwen Cooper, d) Lt. Anita Van Buren on the Original Law and Order, e) Buffy Summers, BONUS: f) Amy Gardner, from the West Wing (possibly also Nancy Botwin, Mary Louise Marker's character from Weeds)
amand_r: (christmas/mc chris evergreen)
1. [livejournal.com profile] wherepiesdie is a comm dedicated to a rewatching and discussion of Twin Peaks in its entirety. We plan on doing 2 episodes a week. In the new year. If you've never seen before, or if you're in the mood for a rewatch and a discussion as you go, please check it out.

2. THE BEST SNACK EVER. I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE ALL SNOBBY ABOUT YOUR JUNK FOOD, THESE ARE THE BOMB:

GOLDEN GRAHAMS S'MORES.

A) GREASE 13x9x2" PAN

B) HEAT ¾ C. LIGHT CORN SYRUP, 3TBSP BUTTER, 11.5 oz MILK CHOCOLATE TO BOILING IN A DOUBLE BOILER. REMOVE FROM HEAT AND STIR IN VANILLA.

C) POUR 12 oz. GOLDEN GRAHAMS INTO A LARGE BOWL, TOSS WITH MELTED MIXTURE UNTIL COATED.

D) STIR IN 3 C. MINI MARSHMALLOWS ON CUP AT A TIME.

E) PRESS INTO PAN WITH THE BACK OF A BUTTERED SPOON. LET STAND 1 HOUR. ENJOY THE BLISS.

3. My dad doesn't read my lj, so it's safe to tell the abridged tale of the Snuggie.

Goddamn muther effing sonofabitch. )

4. EVERYONE HAVE AN AWESOME CRIMMAS. I WOULD MAKE YOU A PLAYLIST OF WHAT I AM GOING TO BE LISTENING TO, BUT IT WILL PROBABLY BE ALL OTIS AND OLD LIZ PHAIR. I'M NOT EVEN GETTING DRUNK.

SOME MIGHT SAY I HAVE NO CRIMMAS SPIRIT. THEY MIGHT BE RIGHT.

EAT SOMETHING DANGEROUS FOR ME.
amand_r: (Default)
I haven't updated my wish list in ages. I rarely ask for things. I mean, what's the point? Things don't make you happy (this is pointed at you Nicholas H. Cruentum. Those boxers would not have made you happy. After you washed them.), and you know. Blah blah. But I figured I'd sit down and think about it, because once I asked for a hookah and I got one.

Nothing I say here is really srs. )
amand_r: (the server is robust)
I was just thinking about how I don't cook anymore, because the one person who would have eaten it isn't here anymore, and I don't eat my own cooking (I have no appetite for it. It's not that it sucks or anything), and I don't eat leftovers. So I have been doing a lot of prepackaged foods and tuna salad and veg (mostly the veg and the egg salad.).

But I got mad skills, yo. I can flash fry a duck. I got knife skillz. I got…uhm, this steamer:



I included the cereal box so you could see how HUGE IT IS. I USE IT, TOO. PEEPS HAVE SEEN IT IN ACTION!

So, in honor of how Tom Colicchio I used to be (now I'm more Padma, ROWR), I present a new culinary adventure (since everyone is doing it these days):



This is long. IF YOU ARE ON DIAL UP, WTF DUDE? GET WITH THE 21ST CENTURY. IT ALL CHANGED, AND YOU WERE TOO BUSY STARING AT JACK'S ASS TO GET CABLE OR DSL. JESUS. UHM, NO WAIT, THIS IS LONG AND PHOTO HEAVY. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. )
amand_r: (tw/john--bikini cops)
1. This morning, my coffee, TO WHICH I DO NOT ADD SWEETENER, tastes reminiscently of Sugar Smacks. It's my fault. I let that goddamn Dig Em frog in here last night and now everything tastes a little bit like shitty cereal.

2. So, I was "fixing" a laptop for my dad, who boned his and had to reinstall Windows XP and all that shit. What he did was run the install disk, and then he couldn't get online. So here I am, fucking about with all kinds of shit in the settings, deep into the BOWELS of the computer that requires commands prompts and the recitation of the Holy Writ of Microsoft or something, and then I'm like, "Well, if I could dial up from the laptop, I bet I could download the drivers you're missing." Off to my house comes the lappy.

The Ballad of Driver Quest Idiocy )

3. How did I miss this? Let Me Borrow That Top. No Jack, no.

Also? I have to admit that I found the editing in this charming: Ianto Jones's Diary

4. I am pleased to sat that [livejournal.com profile] ask_captainjack's Red Nose Day Charity fundraiser exceeded our fundraising goal of £50, and is now at £75. That's sweet. The page is here: where some people left nice comments. I particularly like the one that mentions that A_CJ caused the greatest OTP of all: soda/computer screen. Apparently Comic Relief says that with that amount, we can help an African family open a small business, which I am all for, because I like entrepreneurship. And also, people owning shit.

OTHER THINGS THAT I AM FOR INCLUDE:

1. Puppies
2. Cheese
3. FREE STEAK
4. I'M THE BOSS.

THINGS THAT I AM NOT FOR INCLUDE:

1. My screwed up knee.
2. My messy desk.
3. NOT FREE STEAK.
4. Mrs. Goodbee's Scary Eyes )

5. It's a week until…what do we call it now? Aunt Flow comes to town? Riding the cotton pony? I dunno. Anyway. My boobs hurt, and I have to hold them when I run down the stairs. It's like bikini cops in slow motion. No. Anyway, none of this happened to me before the baby, so I get to blame her for my PMS woes. ::sad panda face::

6. That is all. You may go about your day now.
amand_r: (jaws/imma eat y'all)
For posterity, please remember that [livejournal.com profile] joanwilder is my mum.

[livejournal.com profile] amand_r: so, I can't believe I'm asking you this. But.
[livejournal.com profile] joanwilder: uh oh
[livejournal.com profile] amand_r: If YOU were writing a sex scene and you needed to call the clitoris something, would you call it a clitoris or a clit?
[livejournal.com profile] joanwilder: oh, of the two, I'd say clit
[livejournal.com profile] amand_r: The latter sounds too crass, and the former too clinical.
[livejournal.com profile] joanwilder: clitoris is lke saying penis. Yuck
[livejournal.com profile] amand_r: But clit. Clit. Gah.
[livejournal.com profile] joanwilder: and all the in between euphemisms are just stupid
[livejournal.com profile] amand_r: WHY DO ME NOT HAVE ANY GOOD WORDS?
[livejournal.com profile] amand_r: or typing skills.
[livejournal.com profile] joanwilder: you could say nub of lub
[livejournal.com profile] amand_r: YOU ARE. NOT. HELPING.
[livejournal.com profile] joanwilder: HER VIBRANT CENTER. HER CORE.
[livejournal.com profile] amand_r: Oh Jesus.
[livejournal.com profile] joanwilder: Hey, I read this all the time.
[livejournal.com profile] amand_r: You know, on a related note, whenever I see "her core," my brain inserts the word "alba" in between them. And then I start laughing madly. Because you know. it's kind of related.
[livejournal.com profile] amand_r: And because I am a misogynist pig.

And then it got worse.

You may all sit back in horror.

By the way, I went with...::checks text:: ...clit.

Okay then.

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amand_r: (Default)
amand_r

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