amand_r: (COFFEE)
1. [livejournal.com profile] unovis_lj linked to a slideshow of the paintings stolen from the Museum of Modern Art in Paris on Thursday night. That takes balls. Balls made of stupid. LOL.

2. So, fest time. [livejournal.com profile] retconbookwrite is a fest so we can wrote stories that involve Torchwood book canon. It's an exchange, so you can be challenged! And no, you don't have to have read all of the books! HOW AWESOME IS THAT. Remember though, no matter what the stripper tells you no matter what Cruentum tells you, there's no sex in the champagne room he's running this thing, not me. The [livejournal.com profile] retconbookwrite is open for business and accepting signups until June 5th. Posting begins on September 15th. Rules and Questions here. Sign Ups here.


3. POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTLE.

4. A Partial Map of Your TARDIS (Subject to Change) Haaahahah.
amand_r: (COFFEE)
1. [livejournal.com profile] cruentum is taking his first oral exam (of many) for his Masters today. [insert joke about an exam room with 7.44 and GDL]. I wish him the best of luck, because he's super smart, but super freaked (completely understandable), and I would make a joke about only being a master of evil, Darth, but he doesn't know Star Wars, for which I feel like a bad big sister. Like I have failed somehow. WHERE DID I GO WRONG?

This is anticlimactic, as he has already been and returned triumphant and shit, but I wrote this part last night, so I'm keeping it anyway.

2. [livejournal.com profile] help_haiti has another lightning starting today. I don't think I have the will to go on it, but I encourage you to if you are up for it. If I could manage to do things BRIEFLY, I would. Jesus. Or if you make me an offer I can't resist. [livejournal.com profile] askance, I have not forgotten you. You have the big gun, and these are tiny, like the stun gun. And to complete the whole allusion, [livejournal.com profile] husiemama, you have the scanner that makes Ianto throw cookies.

3. Howard Zinn is dead. Uhm. Yeah. But yes! UNUSED AUDIO COMMENTARY BY HOWARD ZINN AND NOAM CHOMSKY, RECORDED FOR THE RETURN OF THE KING (PLATINUM SERIES EXTENDED EDITION) DVD. My favorite bit is: )

4. WANT.

5. Australia Bans the A cup in porn because they resemble (pre) pubescent girls or something. Look, I'm just saying, THIS IS HOW THEY GET YA. Also, they're not too fond of golden showers. (h/t [livejournal.com profile] kin_you_bi)

6. I wish I had a gong to ring every time something stupid was done in the world. I need a gong. Gongs make me think of (NewYorkMinimalistComposer) Phillip Glass. Why is that? )
amand_r: (torchwood/ianto will fuck your shit up)
Title: Acumen
Characters: Hee.
Rating: NC-17 (telepathy, the plass)
Wordcount: 1,280
Author's Notes: for the porn battle over in [livejournal.com profile] 51stcenturyfox's lj, also co-hosted by [livejournal.com profile] cruentum

Acumen )

Title: Dear Ianto
Characters: Jack/Ianto
Rating: NC-17 (toys)
Wordcount: 960
Author's Notes: for the porn battle over in [livejournal.com profile] 51stcenturyfox's lj, also co-hosted by [livejournal.com profile] cruentum

Dear Ianto, )
amand_r: (drwho/daleks!)
1. Sopranos: That Billy the Bass thing? Brilliant storytelling. If you've seen it, then you know what I'm talking about. Billy the Bass. Fucking brilliant.

2. LJ is all wonked with the comments, so if I don't reply to you, it's probably because I didn't get it. Just watch, in three weeks, I'll get this giant flood of them. APRES LE DELUGE, C'EST MOI.

Also, I disabled gifts a while back, so I couldn't receive snowflakes. It's okay. [INSERT UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE (JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE) JOKE HERE--JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE]

3. For those of you who are/are not following, the kinkmeme master prompt list has been updated. You're welcome, bitches. Now get to it.

4. On the Eastern front, Herself turns three on Saturday. I already ordered the sake [sic]. It has Spiderman on it. SPIDERMAAAAAAAN, WHERE ARE YOU COMING FROM, SPIIIIIIIIIIIIDERMAAAAAAAAAAAAN, NOBDOY KNOWS WHO YOU AAAAAAAAAAAAAARE.

5. Boring entry is boring. To the Wiz I go.
amand_r: (tw/ianto makes my ass look great)
[livejournal.com profile] touchyerwood
amand_r: (firefly/well fuck)
1. AWWWW SHEEEEIT. DANCE, BITCHES. I love you, [livejournal.com profile] earthly_gnome .

2. OH MY GOD IT ELEVATES SADFACE TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL.

CRUE SENT ME THAT LINK. THIS MEAN THAT IT'S ALL HIS FAULT, WHAT I WRITE.

OH DEAR LORD.

3. KINK MEME. LOOK FOR IT. SOON. [livejournal.com profile] touchyerwood
amand_r: (doctor who/HARRIET JONES)
1. You know what I wish? I wish you all would trust me. Trust me in fic to take you there. I'll get you there. Honest. Blue, Jean (heh, together you're "bluejean" who is also Bluejean07), tell them that I took you to poly town, and it was good. Srsly, people, I can't EXPLAIN myself. I can only SHOW you. Have I let you down yet? No? Shut up and let me finger bang you into happiness.

2. Tomorrow I plan out the rest of my UK trip. I will post the itinerary when it's settled and if you are in the area that I am in at any given time I would love to see you (whoever you are).

3. Had another moment in which I realised that I want to be in love again. I just don't know whom that would be with. I don't think I can. I think he's dead. I want to be in love with that one again.

4. Jesus, when is this going to be over?

5. Thought about buying myself a cemetery plot. Realised I might not even be in this city when I die, so it's impractical. OTOH, I might just get myself one for my birthday next year and pretend that it's mine.

6. memeage:

[livejournal.com profile] verasteine gave me porn, post-its, writing, John Barrowman, Tori Amos. )

My take on Yami no Matsuei, Jack, John Hart, Gwen, Adam, and Lois Habiba. )
amand_r: (the server is robust)
I was just thinking about how I don't cook anymore, because the one person who would have eaten it isn't here anymore, and I don't eat my own cooking (I have no appetite for it. It's not that it sucks or anything), and I don't eat leftovers. So I have been doing a lot of prepackaged foods and tuna salad and veg (mostly the veg and the egg salad.).

But I got mad skills, yo. I can flash fry a duck. I got knife skillz. I got…uhm, this steamer:



I included the cereal box so you could see how HUGE IT IS. I USE IT, TOO. PEEPS HAVE SEEN IT IN ACTION!

So, in honor of how Tom Colicchio I used to be (now I'm more Padma, ROWR), I present a new culinary adventure (since everyone is doing it these days):



This is long. IF YOU ARE ON DIAL UP, WTF DUDE? GET WITH THE 21ST CENTURY. IT ALL CHANGED, AND YOU WERE TOO BUSY STARING AT JACK'S ASS TO GET CABLE OR DSL. JESUS. UHM, NO WAIT, THIS IS LONG AND PHOTO HEAVY. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. )
amand_r: (tw/jack is like wearing prada)
Title: Clicker
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack Harkness/Alice Guppy
Rating: NC-17 (sexual slavery, sort of, dub-con)
Author's Notes: For the Porn Battle V: Historical Sex. This didn't suck until my computer ate the good bits. Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] angstslashhope and [livejournal.com profile] lionessvalenti for looking at this and telling me that it was not made of crap, even if it is. You cannot blame them.
Summary: After all, that's what they're here to do, slap the cattle and leer and pretend that they know all about the sale of slaves here on the auction block, because Emily had offered him this job and he'd accepted it from the moment she'd said 'illicit alien sex ring'.

Clicker )

Yeah, it's rough, but I'm done with it. I might use the bracelets in the future.
amand_r: (bunny/i'm a meanie)
1. Oh [livejournal.com profile] emquilxy, you find the best things: Arnold Schwartzenegger Does a Cooking Show

2. The socks went insane last night, and it was lovely. I had to put my ass on tumble dry after 11 pm, but I hope the party continued on.

3. I feel bleaugh about everything this week. I try to read Erdrich's book, and I know that I should fucking love it, because she's lush and poignant and I already had like, three moments in which I sucked in my breath and realised that I am shit compared to her and I'm only on page12 or something. This is not why I'm uninterested in reading, because I cannot read Burroughs either, and that NEVER happens to me most of the time.

4. Am bored with my fic. All of it. Like, I was writing porn last night, Jack/Alice Guppy in an alien sex ring slave trade investigation in which dom!Alice is leading Jack about and then la la la la it flips in private and it's all dom!Jack, and la la la sexor5. Then I was like, Meh. "But Amand-r! You referenced the Wreck of the Goddamn Hesperus! Alice isn't wearing knickers! Jack is in a collar and loincloth! They just got alien restraining cuffs from the guard outside the playroom? What could be bad about that?"

Meh. )

5. While we're here, let's all examine the following song lyrics from Regina and wonder what the fuck she's talking about. Science fiction? Suicide? Made of Win? Y/Y? )
amand_r: (drwho/daleks!)
1. I am both repulsed and intrigued. And hungry.

2. We have issues:

Amand-r: I bet Rhys is the occasional cuddler.
Foxy: Rhys, yeah.
Amand-r: with his massive bear paws.
Foxy: MAUL MAUL MAUL
Amand-r: he and Jack should get into one of those girly slap fights with their giant man hands. It'd be like if you and I strapped tennis rackets on our wrists and went to town.
Foxy: LOL that would be excellent.
Amand-r: Raaaaaghr.

Then we decided the world needs more Jack/Rhys with a reasonable explanation.

3. Let's talk for a minute about the SRS. I have a fic in which someone is a paraplegic as a result of Canary Wharf. Oh hell, it's Lisa. Anyway, here's the thing. It's not that she hasn’t made peace with what happened, because Lisa is pretty "this totally blows, and I'll deal with it," but I'm worried about my audience when, at some point in the future, through a series of timey wimey stuff, Lisa regains her ability to walk.

This is not to say that I think that paraplegia is something bad in the sense that those with it are less. But I I'm just going to be honest about myself-- if I lost my ability to walk and then was given the opportunity to do so again, I would jump at the chance. I can't imagine a situation in which I wouldn't. And this is not, I repeat not, similar to someone from the Deaf community deciding not to gain the ability to hear, because Deafness isn't a "disability" the way that paraplegia is from a medical standpoint, in most cases, I gather. And I don't even really like the word disability, but transable, maybe. But nonetheless a transability that some people were not born into, and if given the opportunity, might choose to give up to return to their old form. Does THAT make sense?

I just want to gauge reactions, because I don't know how people will feel about this. I think it's a logical set of reactions on her part, and how she approaches it will be how others in the fic approach it. On the other hand, no matter how much research I do, I am not a paraplegic, and I cannot speak for them. I have been spending a lot of time on transabled.org and other sites to look into BIID. And I'm still pretty confident that this can be done with grace. It is a very science fictiony plot, because, hello? TORCHWOOD, but I don't want to make it seem as if I'm not looking at all the angles.

If you are transabled and have an opinion, please email me, if I could please pick your brain, or you know, if you have more info than I do, or personal experience. My flist is awesome like that. You could also put it in the comments below.

On the other hand, I was thinking about it again, and I might not even be necessary in the story. The walking. Hrm. I mean, it can go either way, actually. Hrm. Now I am torn.

4. Dreamt poorly last night but cannot remember anything.

5. Listening to Regina Spektor on auto play. Yeah, it's going to happen all day.
amand_r: (drwho/daleks!)
NOTE THE DAY. Today is the day that while lying on her stomach and having her back scratched, lin the lazy time before we get up, my daughter lifted her head, completely unprovoked, and said, I love you.

Then she flipped over and made me scratch her belleh. Hrm. STILL! This is an improvement from Monday night, which looked like this:

Me: (in the rocking chair with girl) Can you say, "I love you?" (I was fishing, but desperate)
Her: No.
Me: Please? I really need to hear it.
Her: NO.
Me: (cries)

Anyway, You all asked me those Fannish Top fives, and MAN, there were a lot of them. I did some, and have saved the others for laters (tomorrow?), because I am lazy.

So without further ado, Amand-r presents TOO MUCH INFORMATION. )

Apparently, in the night, LJ relieved itself all over my gmail. It's like comment notification bukakke. My poor gmail is in the corner, weeping, wiping its face with a wet nap and screaming "WHY? WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?"

It's okay Gmail. It's been that kind of week in fandom.
amand_r: (my one highlander icon)
1. I don't use this word very often, really, and blah blah insults and shit, but I think I feel pretty secure in my usage when I refer to Kate Copstick as "cuntface". It's really ridic, even if it's a publicity stunt. I want to submit a biscuit story for her magazine.

2. [livejournal.com profile] cupidsbow linked to Jack's personal and Earth time line. I like the part where James Marsters is on there backwards.

3. My head is full of cats today. Cats fighting sharks. With guns or something.

4. The Bulwer-Lytton winners are up. I think I like the runner up entry better than the winner this year.

5. Gah. Cats

6. LAST NIGHT I DREAMED I WENT HOUSE HUNTING WITH THE FACE OF BOE, EVERYTHING WAS TOO EXPENSIVE BECAUSE WE NEEDED EXTRA WIDE FLOOR PLANS. FOR HIS FUCKING HEAD.

My mom was there. She did not approve of the Face of Boe. Y'know. Buying a house. With me.
amand_r: (torchwood/jack/ianto/tosh)
Big Old Title: I Wrote Three Prons
Fandom: Torchwood
Rating: NC-17 for all
Author's Notes: Written for [livejournal.com profile] 51stcenturyfox's and [livejournal.com profile] cruentum's TW/DW Porn Battle for June.

Title: Threesome for our Intrepid Heroes!
Characters: Ianto/Tosh/Jack
Timeline: Pre-season 1
Summary: The story of how Tosh ended up having sex with both Jack and Ianto should be complicated, with a long lead in.

Threesome for our Intrepid Heroes! )

Title: Take me home…or I'll take you home, or we'll take each other home.
Characters: Jack/Ianto
Timeline: sometime after KKBB, before Reset.
Summary: "Jack," Ianto said. He exhaled. "I'm very drunk."

Take me home…or I'll take you home, or we'll take each other home. )

Title: Un-bell the Cat
Characters: Ianto/Suzie
Timeline: Pre S1
Summary: There's more than one way to skin a cat. Owen has told her of at least three.

Un-bell the Cat )
amand_r: (FLCL/mamimi's underpants)
First: Pornsultant Bob has answered your questions! Thanks, Bob!

Second, [livejournal.com profile] minotaurs's site taught me many things: face to face anal sex is possible (shut up, I was young and dumb), and that BLOOD IS NOT LUBE (a very common concern in the Highlander world). I never met the dude, but it was nice of him to try to edumacate me and firk my porn cherry. Thanks dude. I'm partially the raving sexay mama that I am today because of all the chained up torso shots on your website.

And nao, I have more news.

Dear Torchwood fandom: )

Bob: [A THROWAWAY REFERENCE TO KISSING MY STOMACH]
Amand-r: WAY TO KILL THE MOOD, BOB. >:( No really, the tummy thing? It reminds me of zombies eating someone's stomach.
Bob: HAHAAHA
Amand-r: I am not joking. I have punched people for this.
Bob: didn't know that was taboo.
Amand-r: I kicked Jason in the balls for doing that shuffle moan thing outside of Eat N Park. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS. LOL I'm okay. (But I totes kicked Jason. Because he deserved it.)
Bob: Nah, I don't mean to be creepy
Amand-r: We'd just seen Resident Evil for the first time.
Bob: Ah. See, I've done the shuffle moan. After we saw Shaun of the Dead.
Amand-r: I do the shuffle moan, too. But that's okay, because I KNOW I am not a zombie, and even if I was, I can't eat my own brains.
Well, maybe if I tried.
I wonder what they taste like.
Probably chicken.
amand_r: (Default)
THIS IS A CONSPIRACY:

As documented here in No.1
[livejournal.com profile] ask_captainjack says, "Do you ask yourself: what would HUMPTY AMAND do in this situation?"
Me: ::disgruntled::
[livejournal.com profile] ask_aboutcoffee says, "It's the suds! And the conditioner. It's all shine, Amand!"
Me: ::weeps openly::
IMMA MAKE ME A SUPREME DALEK.
No, I'd never do that.

I wrote porns for Foxy and Crue's fest, and I will post them here someday. They need editing. What is on the menu for today? I don't know. It's a mystery. A trip to the park? Oh yes, I do think so, Lucy. ::claps hands:: We shall all go to Narnia!

In other news! Bob is my PORNSULTANT. )
amand_r: (it's a bard!  It's aplane!  it's supersp)
A NOTE: I do not participate in zombie apocalyptothon day. Because that's like the boy who cried wolf. Someday you're ALL GOING TO REGRET EVER HAVING FAKED BEING ATTACKED BY HOARDES OF THE UNDEAD WHEN IT REALLY HAPPENS AND NO ONE EFFING BELIEVES YOU.

STOP THE PRESS-- remember the air guitar competition? Well! Meet: AIR SEX COMPETITIONS! Yeah, you wanted to see it. (Their official site.) I HEARTILY APPROVE! (Especially of contestants "Thrustin" and "Otto Erotica")

Unovis: Another porn battle?
Amand-r: ONE A MONTH.
Unovis: Damn I need to start writing again
Amand-r: YOU TOTES DO.
Unovis: I can't write porn in [CURRENT LOCATION].
Amand-r: YOU SHOULD WRITE FOR THE PORN BATTLE.
Unovis: [CURRENT LOCATION OF HIDDEN BUNKER] is the anti-porn.
Amand-r: DRUNK!SEX! EDGING!
Amand-r: THREESOMES!
Unovis: Sounds like landscaping.
Amand-r: Two of mine are almost done. I cheated and wrote early. [OMGS CONFESSIONZ LULZ.]
Unovis: Owen/Methos/Jack
Amand-r: YES.
Unovis: Owen/Methos/Gwen
Amand-r: OH GOD YES.
Unovis: Srsly, Methos banging Owen's shit in the alley of a barbecue joint.
Amand-r: MAKE IT EDGING. THEN NO ONE HAS TO COME.
Unovis: If no one had to speak it would be easier. I couldn't make Owen sound like Owen without immersion in the source again.
Amand-r: I don't think you have to. It's porn. Start with the sex. Then end with it.
Unovis: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Amand-r: Do eeeeeeeeeeet.

UNRELATED FANDOM NOTE: I have a confession to make, [livejournal.com profile] lawsontl. That's right, you, zombie-killing, gun-toting lady. Even though I know the origin of your user name, in my head I have now named you "Lawsuntl." Law sun tlll. It's awesome. BUT IF YOU WANT ME TO STOP, YOU'LL HAVE TO SUGGEST SOMETHING ELSE. ::smishes::

RAEWHIT'S ADVENTURES IN THE UK, AS RELATED TO ME! )

[livejournal.com profile] and_suddenly says: "so, do we have some sort of record for holding both the stanley cup and the super bowl victory in one year? is there such a thing? pittsburgh: MORE AWESOME THAN YOUR CITY FUCK YEAH"

[livejournal.com profile] kel_riley, do you still love me? I'm sorry. ::googly eyes::
amand_r: (YOUR MOM)


Tomorrow is the start of the porn battle! THAT'S RIGHT! Are they drunk? Is there edging? ARE THERE THREE OF THEM? WRITE IT. Keep an eye out for the post at [livejournal.com profile] 51stcenturyfox's lj this weekend!

QUESTION OF STUPID: When we say edging, we don't just mean masturbatory, right? It's just teasing/ not bringing to orgasm? Like I could write a drunken edging threesome? And how much would that suck, dude? TONITE, AT TORCHWOOD: NO ONE GETS LAID. (Jack would throw a shit fit.)

Rec: I don't know if I can stress this enough-- [livejournal.com profile] curriejean is a fabulous writer. Her story, The Gold Bug is complicated and sexy and sweet and also very funny, but intensely tightly done and interesting. When Ianto is bitten by a gold bug, his skin starts to take on a sheen. And then it spreads. Can the team stop it before he is covered in gold? Will Jack be able to save him? I loved this story because Jean's writing style is indescribably awesome, Jack is caring but detached, Gwen is argumentative but not in a bad way, and Owen sings the Darkwing Duck theme song Torchwood Three style, and that works for me. It really, really does. If you haven't read it, you should. You really, really should. And I need to stop using the words "really" and "very".

STAN LEE: EXCELSIOR!

Yes, Stan, that's much better.

STAN LEE: EXCELSIOR!

Ah, yes.

THIS IS MY SECOND DAY WITH THE RESUMPTION OF DAYCARE. As we speak, I am making meth, smoking pot, entertaining three boy-whores, drinking beer, listening to Eminem and playing Grand Theft Auto 5: The Fucking Bloodbath. (Dear ATF, DEA and CYS—I AM TOTES JOKING. Except about the boy-whores.(Dear local Vice unit—I'm totally joking about the boy-whores (Dear Nightline's To Catch A Predator: when I say "boy-whore" I mean someone who is male and over the age of 18.)))

Hah. Also, I have no idea how to punctuate the above. Strangely, I care not.

blue_fjords asked me so many questions it was like its own lj entry )

Useless picspam of shit and my kid. (No really. Long and overly sentimental.) )

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