amand_r: (doctor who/HARRIET JONES)
1. Guess what you can't wipe up with a Clorox wet nap? Baking Soda. Nope, if spills on the floor and you go to wipe it up, but you just end up pushing it around on the lino. Then when you give up and try to scoop as much of it as you can see, you realize you have just thinned it to an invisible coating of baking soda. And then for days when you step in that area in your socks, you get a squidgy feeling as you slide around in it. Then you realize that you put this in your body: A POWDER THAT CANNOT BE DISSOLVED AND PICKED UP BY THE LIQUID IN A CHLOROX WIPE. (Spider has since informed me that I can clean it with vinegar. Thanks, babe.)

2. Squeezing lemons when your hands are chapped to the point of cracking is not the smartest idea in the universe, lightbulb. However, if you put your fingers in baggies and put a rubber band at the base of each finger, you get to race the clock to see if the pain from cracked skin or the pain from listing feeling in the fingers will make you stop first.

The answer is NEITHER BECAUSE I AM THAT BADASS.

3. Me: Viv, are you done pooping?
Her: No. I got to chillax.
Me: What?
Her: Just chillax, mama.

4. I drove behind a Bronco II that had this on a paper taped to the back windshield: I WILLNOT SPEED JUST TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. I SLOW DOWN FOR TAILGATERS.

5. I have many thoughts on Rhianna's S&M. Some of them are not good. Most of them are nonchalant, which as we all know, is the opposite of chalant. Not to be confused with chalet, or Swiss Chalet, which makes me think of Swiss steak, which makes me want steak. Or those onions that come on top of steak sometimes. When you make a bowl of sautéed onions and mushrooms to put on steak and meats, that's called the kitty. I eat the kitty on fried sweetbreads. Now I want to watch Josie and the Pussycats. Dujour means swiss steak!

6. I DID A THING. )
amand_r: (Default)
Title: 4.02: Safe As Houses
Characters: Gwen Cooper, Lois Habiba, Dee Johnson, Maggie Hopley, Gretchen Jones,
Jack Harkness, OMC
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 19,033
Additional Links: Deleted Scene, Soundtracks, Master Post
Summary: Houses collapse in Splott, and Jack holds the answer to the mystery. Just one problem: he doesn't work for Torchwood anymore.

amand_r: (torchwood/jack ianto hand)
Title: Bring out your dead
Author: [livejournal.com profile] amand_r
Recipient: [livejournal.com profile] _lullabelle_
Book: The Undertaker's Gift, with mentions of Pack Animals
Characters: Ianto/Jack, peripheral Gwenny
Rating: NC-17
Wordcount: 3,000 approx
A/N: Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] heddychaa and [livejournal.com profile] neifile7 for looking at it with beta eyeballz JESUS!, and to [livejournal.com profile] cruentum for organizing and hosting the exchange taking one for the team and volunteering to have JB's assbabies.
Summary: After Zero's mum picks him up at intergalactic lost and found (a.k.a. the Cardiff Rift), and Jack has his little hair-raising adventure, he can't kiss Ianto without a shock.

Bring out your dead )
amand_r: (torchwood/jack ianto hand)
Title: The argument
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters Jack/Ianto (cameo by Janet)
Rating: PG
Medium: watercolours
Artist's ability: Poor
Poem: "who's most afraid of death?thou" by e.e. cummings
A/N: I like painting, okay? It's something the kid and I do together. At the table. And there's a poem, but not so much with the porn

Stay tuned afterwards for bonus panels. )
amand_r: (torchwood/sins-owen-sloth)
Title: High, Hot and Heavy
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Ianto/Owen
Rating: NC-17 (contains an enema)
Wordcount:
Timeline: post-S1, pre-S2
Author's Notes: [livejournal.com profile] lawsontl planted the seed, but this is for ALL THE TWITTER PERVS. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. TWERVS. Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] curriejean for the beta, and for calling the file ENEMANDER. Thank you to [livejournal.com profile] cruentum for inspiring me to dust this off from my abandoned folder and finish it today, and for scribbling "mmmm ngah hot" all over the beta copy. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YANTOE JONEZ.
Summary: "'Harper, Owen. Diagnosis. 'Full. Of. Shit,'" Ianto intones, slowly, finishing with a punctuated stab and looking up at Owen over his pilfered reading glasses.

Before you decide not to read because it's got an enema, I want to remind you about the 'not my kink' rule and how I try to write as many things that aren't my kink as possible. This is totally one of them, and I...well, I just hate for people to pass on things before they try them. Anyway.

High, Hot, & Heavy )
amand_r: (tw/plotty jack)
Title: For Science (and the Lulz)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Oh my god, Jack thought, she was treating him like the Uncertainty Principle.
Notes: This is takes place after All In Good Time, the 11th episode of the Torchwood Virtual Season being "aired" at [livejournal.com profile] tw_itallchanges. If you're not following the Virtual Season, which takes place after canonical S2, essentially what you need to know is that in this ep, the new Torchwood medic, Dr. Megan Muli, has discovered Jack's immortality. Eat the crack. It's like pop rocks.
Beta Credit, Jesus: Neifile, Foxay, Thad, Misswinterhill, Bleu-bleu, Kel, Sam. Also I stole this header and the title from Sam.

The toast was stuck. )
amand_r: (torchwood/scoobies)

Title: Any Other Day: Monday (Again!) (aka 8/8)
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Team, Rhys (Jack/Gwen, Gwen/Rhys, Jack/Ianto)
Ratings: NC-17 (in some parts)
Timeline: Post-Meat, Pre-Reset (assumes flashback knowledge from Fragments)
Summary: Hey, this one time? At Torchwood? Gwen and Jack switched bodies and everything went pear-shaped.

Author's Notes: I love this fic, because I love the team, I say, THE TEAM. Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] 51stcenturyfox for the beta! This was started back in May, when I wasn't nearly the TW freak that I am, and so I think it's more cracky than I had intended. It's funny. It's potboiler fic.

SPECIAL THANKS to [livejournal.com profile] laurab1 for the bitching fanart! Check that shit out!

This fic WAS a WIP, divided by days: Monday-Tuesday. It has 8 parts, some longer than others, depending on what happens any given day. There you go.

PREVIOUSLY, on TORCHWOOD: Monday, Tuesday (A), Wednesday (A), Thursday (A), Friday (A), Saturday, Sunday

The day had been long, not unlike the night before Christmas or one's birthday. )
amand_r: (tw/gwen compassionata)

Title: Any Other Day: Sunday (aka 7/8)
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Team, Rhys (Jack/Gwen, Gwen/Rhys, Jack/Ianto)
Ratings: NC-17 (in some parts)
Timeline: Post-Meat, Pre-Reset (assumes flashback knowledge from Fragments)
Summary: Hey, this one time? At Torchwood? Gwen and Jack switched bodies and everything went pear-shaped.

Author's Notes: I love this fic, because I love the team, I say, THE TEAM. Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] 51stcenturyfox and [livejournal.com profile] cruentum for the beta! This was started back in May, when I wasn't nearly the TW freak that I am, and so I think it's more cracky than I had intended. It's funny. It's potboiler fic.

SPECIAL THANKS to [livejournal.com profile] laurab1 for the bitching fanart! Check that shit out!

This fic is a WIP, divided by days: Monday-Tuesday. It should have 8 parts, some longer than others, depending on what happens any given day. There you go.

PREVIOUSLY, on TORCHWOOD: Monday, Tuesday (A), Wednesday (A), Thursday (A), Friday (A), Saturday

The Jack Russell paced on top of the table, moving away from the lunchmeat platter Ianto had brought to serve as breakfast/lunch/early dinner for the Xogs along with an assortment of kibble they didn't seem to like and a variety of fresh fruits and vegetables in which they had taken an interest. )

On to Monday/Tuesday
amand_r: (torchwood/scoobies)

Title: Any Other Day: Saturday (aka 6/8)
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Team, Rhys (Jack/Gwen, Gwen/Rhys, Jack/Ianto)
Ratings: NC-17 (in some parts)
Timeline: Post-Meat, Pre-Reset (assumes flashback knowledge from Fragments)
Summary: Hey, this one time? At Torchwood? Gwen and Jack switched bodies and everything went pear-shaped.

Author's Notes: I love this fic, because I love the team, I say, THE TEAM. Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] 51stcenturyfox and [livejournal.com profile] cruentum for the beta! This was started back in May, when I wasn't nearly the TW freak that I am, and so I think it's more cracky than I had intended. It's funny. It's potboiler fic.

SPECIAL THANKS to [livejournal.com profile] laurab1 for the bitching fanart! Check that shit out!

This fic is a WIP, divided by days: Monday-Tuesday. It should have 8 parts, some longer than others, depending on what happens any given day. There you go.

PREVIOUSLY, on TORCHWOOD: Monday, Tuesday (A), Wednesday (A), Thursday (A), Friday (A)

It could be worse, she could be carting bodies, like Owen and Gwen. )
amand_r: (tw/ianto and lisa)
Can you have a deleted scene for a deleted scene? Well I do. Cleaning out the open file box.

Title: Base Notes
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack/Ianto/Lisa
Rating: NC-17
Wordcount:
Author's Notes: extended scene for Quality Time which is a deleted Gold Dust scene to begin with. For mah writing monster partner, [livejournal.com profile] cruentum, who is the most ridiculously softhearted hard ass I ever met. LITE BEER! INSPIRED BY RECENT EVENTS! WOOO!
Summary: Ianto glances at Lisa. 'You know how this is going to end.'

Base Notes )
amand_r: (tw/tosh isn't taking your bullshit)
Title: Any Other Day: Friday (aka 5b/8)
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Team, Rhys (Jack/Gwen, Gwen/Rhys, Jack/Ianto)
Ratings: NC-17 (in some parts)
Timeline: Post-Meat, Pre-Reset (assumes flashback knowledge from Fragments)
Summary: Hey, this one time? At Torchwood? Gwen and Jack switched bodies and everything went pear-shaped.

Author's Notes: I this fic, because I love the team, I say, THE TEAM. Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] 51stcenturyfox for the beta! This was started back in May 2009, when I wasn't nearly the TW freak that I am, and so I think it's more cracky than I had intended. It's funny. It's potboiler fic.

SPECIAL THANKS to [livejournal.com profile] laurab1 for the bitching fanart! Check that shit out!

This fic is a WIP, divided by days: Monday-Tuesday. It should have 8 parts, some longer than others, depending on what happens any given day. There you go.

PREVIOUSLY, on TORCHWOOD: Monday, Tuesday (A), Wednesday (A), Thursday (A), Friday (A)

Owen and Simran carried the pot of boiling water to the sliding balcony door together, and then Simran kicked the Xogs away from it while he opened it and dragged the pot outside. )

On to Saturday
amand_r: (torchwood/teen girl squad)

Title: Any Other Day: Friday (aka 5a/8)
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Team, Rhys (Jack/Gwen, Gwen/Rhys, Jack/Ianto)
Ratings: NC-17 (in some parts)
Timeline: Post-Meat, Pre-Reset (assumes flashback knowledge from Fragments)
Summary: Hey, this one time? At Torchwood? Gwen and Jack switched bodies and everything went pear-shaped.

Author's Notes: I love this fic, because I love the team, I say, THE TEAM. Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] 51stcenturyfox for the beta! This was started back in May, when I wasn't nearly the TW freak that I am, and so I think it's more cracky than I had intended. It's funny. It's potboiler fic.

SPECIAL THANKS to [livejournal.com profile] laurab1 for the bitching fanart! Check that shit out!

This fic is a WIP, divided by days: Monday-Tuesday. It should have 8 parts, some longer than others, depending on what happens any given day. There you go.

PREVIOUSLY, on TORCHWOOD: Monday, Tuesday (A), Wednesday (A), Thursday (A)

Jack flipped the buff folder shut and tossed it on an ever-growing pile of identical folders. He was making a right mess of Ianto's clever organising system, a system that Ianto had tried to explain once, but Jack hadn't listened.  )

On to Friday (B)
amand_r: (torchwood/sins-ianto-pride)
Title: A wing can cover all sorts of things
Author: [livejournal.com profile] amand_r
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Ianto (Jack, Lisa)
Rating: R
Wordcount: 835
Author's Notes: Written for [livejournal.com profile] tw_lucky_7, first sin on the board: Pride. Chosen character: Ianto Jones. Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] troygirl68 for totes turning me on to this comm. Also, this thing is laced with lines from the Flobots' "Handlebars". Laced like coke and baby powder. Unbetaed. Just trying on some thinky stuff that might not even work. Title from Tori Amos's "Sister Janet".
Summary: He can tie a knot in a cherry stem. He can tell you about Leif Erikson.

A wing can cover all sorts of things. )
amand_r: (torchwood/ianto is crushing)
In the [livejournal.com profile] help_haiti auction, [livejournal.com profile] huesiemama bought my questionable post it note skills for a sizeable summage, and I promised her nine panels, or post its. She got 25, because I had a STORY to tell, man. And she is allowing me to share it with you!

Don't get excited. It's like all the others. BUT it spans an ocean! And several decades of prime-time television!

Jack & Ianto & Endle$$ Po$$ibilities!. )

There you go lady. Hope it was worth it, man.
amand_r: (amandr's angry)
1. COMMENT NOTIFICATIONS! WHERE ARE YOU? W33PZ0RD5.

2. HEADACHE. I NEED A SHOWER, A MASSAGE AND A MUSCLE RELAXANT.

3. SHARK WEEK.

4. I HATE YOU ALL. (NO I DON'T. PRETEND I DO. NO, DON'T. NO WAIT. STOP. HAMMER TIME. NO NO. YAHTZEE!)

5. HERE. I sent Blue a card from Ianto to Jack. )

6. BYE.
amand_r: (torchwood/jack/ianto/tosh)
Title: Signals: Turn, Hazard, from Space and Otherwise
Author: [livejournal.com profile] amand_r
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack/Tosh/Ianto
Rating: NC-17
Wordcount: 7,598 (I hope that makes up for the lateness)
Author's Notes: this is for [livejournal.com profile] opium_and_tea who purchased my services in the lightning round at [livejournal.com profile] help_haiti last week (?), and I apologise at the lateness. Thank you [livejournal.com profile] 51stcenturyfox for the beta.
Summary: Jack finds that he wishes they were suddenly elsewhere, that he hadn't crashed the car, that he could predict them better, that he had understood just what Ianto had meant when he'd said take her out, or that at least they could all have name tags, so his could say, 'Hello! My name is CONFUSED/HORNY/SENTIMENTAL/IMMORTAL/LOVEMENOW'. Though maybe it would just read, 'Jack. Just Jack'.

Signals: Turn, Hazard, from Space and Otherwise )
amand_r: (torchwood/ianto will fuck your shit up)
Title: Acumen
Characters: Hee.
Rating: NC-17 (telepathy, the plass)
Wordcount: 1,280
Author's Notes: for the porn battle over in [livejournal.com profile] 51stcenturyfox's lj, also co-hosted by [livejournal.com profile] cruentum

Acumen )

Title: Dear Ianto
Characters: Jack/Ianto
Rating: NC-17 (toys)
Wordcount: 960
Author's Notes: for the porn battle over in [livejournal.com profile] 51stcenturyfox's lj, also co-hosted by [livejournal.com profile] cruentum

Dear Ianto, )
amand_r: (PHALLOCENTRIC GHEY!)
Title: Boxed-In
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack/Ianto, team
Rating: NC-17
Wordcount: 2,110
Author's Notes: This is for [livejournal.com profile] dremiel, who bought my ass at auction in the lightning round. Her prompt was Altered Ianto (alcohol, drugs, alien tech, alien saliva, whatevs) and Jack talk, possibly at cross purposes. She didn't say anything about altered Jack…Thank you [livejournal.com profile] misswinterhill and [livejournal.com profile] cruentum for teh betaz.
Summary: "We could both be trapped in the box," Jack offered, and then looked around at the sealed doors of the cargo container while Ianto leaned back against one metal wall and laughed. "Oh."

Boxed-In )
amand_r: (tw/ianto hello!)
Title: Quality Time
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack/Ianto/Lisa, Evan, Gwen, Ravi, Claire
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 3,665
Author's Notes: So [livejournal.com profile] cruentum bought my arse in the [livejournal.com profile] help_haiti lightning round, and I figured why mess with a good thing? Third time's a charm. This is Gold dust fic set post series, but still before the end of the story. Crue wanted some Evan-Ianto bonding time. Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] blue_fjords for the beta.
Summary: Then Lisa slips the envelope holding the ballet tickets into her purse and he remembers that the conversation had been rather like Lisa saying, 'Who wants to use these ballet tickets with me?' and Ianto had looked left, and Jack had looked right and the silence had been awkward. Then finally Jack had said something to the effect of, 'How close will we be to the stage?' and Lisa had said, 'Front and center.' And Jack had said, 'Sold.'

Quality Time )
amand_r: (tw/ianto and lisa)
Title: It's (Un)complicated
Author: [livejournal.com profile] amand_r
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack/Ianto/Lisa, OCs
Rating: PG-13 for language (also, this is incredibly indulgent)
Wordcount: 5,600. I got REALLY carried away.
Author's Notes: for [livejournal.com profile] blue_fjords, who bought me in the lightning round of [livejournal.com profile] help_haiti, and requested post-Gold Dust fic. Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] 51stcenturyfox for the beta sprinkles.
Summary: It's parent-teacher conference day.

It's (Un)complicated )

Are you looking at this and thinking, "Dammit, I want fic from Amand-r too!"? Well now you can get it: Here for a longer wait (and right now it looks as if the highest bidder wants me to write a HP mpreg), or here for a (possibly!) shorter but more instantly gratifying hit.

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amand_r

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