amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
Me: So, are you going to write a letter to Santa?
Viv: Yeah!
Me: What are you going to ask him for? (As Amand-r has no idea what to get Viv for Crimmas)
Viv: A Leapster, ballet shoes, and Piglet.
(This is a problem, as she was getting the Leapster2 for her birthday, and Mum has already got her the ballet shoes and piglet doll)
Me: What else would you like to ask for?
Viv: Hmmmm, nothing.
Me: You don't want anything else?
Viv: Mmmm, no thank you.
Me: ♥ ♥ But what if Santa calls me and says, ″Viola's been so good this year, I want to get her something else"? What else might you want?
Viv: (long-suffering sigh) Let me think about it.


″Do You Hear What I Hear?″ comes on the radio.
Viv: This isn't a Christmas song!
Me: Yes it is.
Viv: It has to say, ″Santa″.
Me: Not all Christmas songs are about Santa. Some of them are about the baby Jesus, because Christmas is his birthday.
Viv: Oh.
Me: So you have Santa songs, and baby Jesus songs.
″Let It Snow″ comes on.
Viv: Is this about baby Jesus or Santa?
Me: Uh. Santa.
″Jingle Bells″ comes on.
Viv: Is this about Santa? Or baby Jesus?
Me: I have discovered a loophole in my theory.
Viv: What?
Me: Santa.


″Carol of the Bells″ comes on.
Viv: DING FRIES ARE DONE! DING FRIES ARE DONE!
Me: I love you.
Viv: WOULD YOU LIKE AN APPLE PIE WITH THAT?


Viv: I'll give you a John Reindeer sticker.
Me: What?
Viv: (slaps a tractor sticker on my arm) Here.
Me: That's John Deere.


Viv: Holy whack-a-moley!
Me: I think they're saying, ″Holy Guacamole″.
Viv: No they're not.
Me: Okay.
amand_r: (guy gardner/thumbs up!)
1. The computer died. I am writing to you from the new one, Toshiko Toshiba, Mistress of the Dark Computer Arts.

a. This means that everything is actually trapped on my old hard drive, including the stories i owe three of you. I have to get ahold of a serial hard drive case, and when I do, I can access the giant vag in the center of the earth files again. I might just have to start those stories over in the meantime.


2. I need german food recipes! I am having the buds over for dinner, and i want to make spaetzle! I cannot get good brats here, sadface. But I was thinking I might try the strip district for some rabbit! Anyone have anything German to recommend?

3. As announced on twitter, I shall be writing a YA novel that is a steampunk vampire rip-off of The Color Purple called, "The Color Vortex" or possibly "The Vortex purple." It might also involve a Danny Glover robot that says "I'm too old for this shit."

Really, most of this stupid shit is on my twitter. If you ever feel the nee to talk to me during the day about lame shit, I'm cerebralcutlass.

4. ALSO--even though I am behind on the stories, I am still sending out the cookies soon! SO! IF YOU WOULD LIKE SOME GINGERNSNAPS OR GARAM MASALA CHOCOLATE GINGERBREAD, AND A LITTLE FICLET, PLEASE SEE HERE: Amand-r's Frabjous Writing Promo. The ficlets are supposed to be 500 words, but as you can see from the first one, I kind of discard that sometimes. BUT 500 WORD MINIMUM!

The first story was for [livejournal.com profile] lilian_cho, and was called Registry, inspired by her starter sentence of, "It's not like there's a Chinese gay kama sutra."

5. Soon I shall watch the second half of Torchwood Miracle Day. And then, even thought I have been discouraged with fandom lately, I shall open the las.

6. Highlander peeps, I have not forgot you! Not having the templates on hand makes life slightly more pissy, but I know how to cut and paste, so I'll steal them soon. Sign ups start tomorrow, I think!
amand_r: (spartans dine)
1. This actually works for me in many ways: The Birdcage recut so that it looks like a trailer for a drama:




2. LAND by [livejournal.com profile] cthonus: read it. I can't stress how much I love this man's fic, but look:

"Does he?" Ianto asked unable to keep the bitterness from seeping into his tone. "You know what fucking stupid me did earlier? No?" He swallowed. "I told him I loved him." His shame burned on his cheeks. "I lay in his arms and told him I loved him."

Toshiko's hand went instinctively to cover her mouth. "What did he say?"

"Nothing." He spat. "Not a single bloody word."


OMG AND OWEN AND JACK AND DRAGOSTEA DIN TEA. I AM JUST SAYING.

[livejournal.com profile] cthonus, PIMP YOUR FIC! YOU DESERVE A BILLIONTY COMMENTS, NOT THREE OR FOUR OR EIGHT.

3. [livejournal.com profile] help_haiti fics underway. The big one is…well. Hrm. Planning. Post its are posty. Sort of. TOSH FIC IS TOSHY.

4. Chinese New Year menu is missing…three courses. Well, a pork and a soup. Fuckbears. Noodles might be a repeat, but my Bible says that they went quickly last year. But the pork dish has been the same for the past three years, so I think I might try something different. On the other hand, the duck is complicated enough that I maybe shouldn't be trying something complicated. Hrm. And fish.

THERE ARE TOO MANY THINGS TO PONDER IN THE MURKY WATERS. ALSO, [livejournal.com profile] sthayashi, Prepare to come early, because you are going to help me prep and make summer rolls. I will teach you, weedhopper.

5. Remember that the poll for the RPF (Carnivale!) is still open, so if you are interested and haven't voted yet, please go see here. The mods have yet to get back to us, so we might not be able to promote it. In which case, WE SHALL RELY ON YOU, LIKE PBS.

6. Stumbled on another picture of Russell Tovey. Good god, you could fly to Guam with those ears. Still. Cute.
amand_r: (the asian persuasion)
1. ANOTHER REC I FORGOT. WELL, TWO:

[livejournal.com profile] 51stcenturyfox has been a busy girl, with two fics that I read early in December and fell in love with. I had the pleaseure of seeing them in varying stages and hnest to god, Foxy writes like a dream.

Zihuatanejo (I had to c/p that title) is the story of Red and Andy after Shawshank ends and Red gets to the small town of Zihuatanejo. I loved the Red voice, the atmosphere of it, and it was sweet and rewarding at the same time.

Never Love A Wild Thing is her [livejournal.com profile] reel_torchwood entry, with Breakfast at Tiffany's. Her Holly voice is perfect, and she tells of an encounter, well, I shan't spoil it for you. More a crossover than a fusion, really, but a damned good one.

2. I want to rec every fricking story on [livejournal.com profile] twsecretsanta but I'm pretty sure that you've all read them all. But go over and read them, a phat 21 of them I think. BLACKJACK!

3. [livejournal.com profile] wherepiesdie GOES LIVE WITH A DISCUSSION OF THE TWIN PEAKS PILOT ON THURSDAY, JANUARY 7TH. I AM WATCHING AND TAKING NOTES THIS WEEK! After this Thursday we'll have an episode discussion every Monday and Thursday. See the post in the comm for a detailed schedule. We welcome newbies and those who are watching again, and will have a spoiler cut code for discussions that jump ahead.

4. Another rec: New Things by [livejournal.com profile] xtricks It's JACK/ALONSO AND JESUS IS IT GOOD. AND THE ENDING IS LIKE MY FAVORITE THING IN THE UNIVERSE TODAY. YES PLEASE GOD MAY I HAVE NOTHER.

5. IT IS COLD HERE. SEND HELP. ONE OF THOSE ST BERNARDS WITH COCOA IN A BARREL UNDER ITS NECK. MMMM COCOA.

6. OMG for Crimmas [livejournal.com profile] emquilxy got us a cooking class, and we just picked which one we're taking today: HOW TO MAKE PIEROGIES. FROM SCRATCH, BITCHES. Right now my pierogie cooking skills are pretty much: "Boil water; add frozen pierogies." BUT THAT SHALL CHANGE.

OMG IF SAM COOKE HAD EATEN PIEROGIES, THAT SONG "A CHANGE IS GONNA COME" WOULD HAVE BEEN ABOUT THEIR POTATO-FILLED GOODNESS AND MY NEW-TO-BE MAD SKILLZ THAT PAY THE BILLZ.
amand_r: (crimmas/jack's crimmas tardis)
Posting with the official [livejournal.com profile] twsecretsanta header, as created by [livejournal.com profile] miss_winterhill

FESTIVE TITLE BITCHES YO: hotaru no hikari (the light of fireflies)
RECIPIENT WHO HAD BETTER BE GRATEFUL BECAUSE I SPENT TIME THAT I COULD HAVE BEEN DRINKING WRITING THIS SHIT: [livejournal.com profile] xtricks (are NOT for kids!) 
SUMMARY: (NOUN) A COMPREHENSIVE AND USUALLY BRIEF ABSTRACT, RECAPITULATION, OR COMPENDIUM OF PREVIOUSLY STATED FACTS OR STATEMENTS
BETA: POSSIBLY NOT FOXY. I WAS DRUNK. IT WAS DARK. (it was [livejournal.com profile] paragraphs)
RATING: NAUGHTY (BY NATURE)
WARNING: IMMA REALLY CRAP WRITER AND YOU'RE ALL MUCH BETTER THAN ME
SPOILERS: JESUS PEOPLE IT'S JUST ABOUT THE TORCHWOOD TEAM DRINKING EGGNOG (it's totally not, yo)
DISCLAIMER: THEY'RE NOT MINE. EXCEPT WHEN THEY ARE. IN MAH PANTS.

He begins it to make her happy, something she wants (and maybe he wants it too), a burst of glitter to infuse the Hub, to dazzle her perspective, to cheer her in the manner one might hang a prism in a sunny room. )
amand_r: (torchwood/ianto will fuck your shit up)
The kid has been playing with her Thomas the Tank Engines:


This cannot end well.


For Grimmas, Jack and Ianto got me a coffee pot. Not just any coffeepot, but a vacuum siphon pot. I know you want to see it in action. )
amand_r: (CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS)
1. I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MY ART TO YOU, WARREN.



2. [livejournal.com profile] husiemama sent me the most awesome Torchwood card, and she was kind enough to scan the image for us all. This way for the crimmas spirit! )

3. Thanks, [livejournal.com profile] darthhellokitty and [livejournal.com profile] qthelights for the spanking cards!

4. THINGS LATER.
amand_r: (deadlikeme/delores has doubts)
1. YEARS AGO, [livejournal.com profile] basingstoke offered a download of Kate Bush's Wuthering Heights, saying something like, "OMG THIS IS THE BATMAN/JOKER LOVE SONG". I know she said something like that because that's the only way you'd get me to download Kate Bush.

Now, YEARS LATER, I find it hidden in the recesses of an old hard drive. OMG IT IS THE BATMAN/JOKER LOVE SONG. WTF.

FUCKING. NUTBALLS.

2. My mail is insane. Thank you to [livejournal.com profile] curriejean (EATEN BY WEEVILS!), [livejournal.com profile] stasha2g, [livejournal.com profile] beesandbrews, [livejournal.com profile] sthayashi, [livejournal.com profile] lucy_locket, [livejournal.com profile] blue_fjords, [livejournal.com profile] husiemama (SEXY JACK LOOKS FOR CRIMMAS SPIRIT! AND PORN!), [livejournal.com profile] electro_club (DALEK CARD!), [livejournal.com profile] verasteine, and [livejournal.com profile] lastrega! OMG LOVELY CARDS!

I officially have more fandom peeps cards than RL peeps. I would feel bad about this , except for most of my RL peep cards talk about Jesus, and most of my fandom cards talk about porn and daleks. It's easy to understand which one I would prefer. :)

[livejournal.com profile] emquilxy sent me a coupon for free tuna! WHO DOES NOT LOVE FREE TUNA.

3. I have deadlines. Again. I am slightly stressed. Imma take a shower and play with playdoh.

4. OMG THE L WORD. I STARTED SEASON FIVE. I HATE JENNY SCHECTER. HATE HATE HATE. Also, in retrospect, they handled the military thing really well. They could have done that whole "the military sucks" thing, but they balanced it well.

5. [livejournal.com profile] wynkat1313, I have not forgot about your thing. I have it in googledocs now.
amand_r: (crimmas/ianto's crushing santajack)
1. OMG so for the 12 Days of Cliché, which I am not participating in though I should because of, well because, anyway, [livejournal.com profile] angstslashhope has created some Torchwood Pulp Novel Covers and I don't know which one is my fav. Possibly the one with the love triangle.

2. HAAHAHAHAHHAHHA. MY DECEMBER IS LIKE PERFORMANCE ART. I wish I hadn’t entries that broke it up, but there we go. I feel…like a young Mexican Chihuahua. Thanks, Gordon Cole.

3. SPEAKING OF GORDON COLE, THE GREAT TWIN PEAKS REWATCH DISCUSSION STARTS JANUARY 7TH. CHECK OUT [livejournal.com profile] wherepiesdie FOR FURTHER INFORMATION, COOP. WE WELCOME NEWBIES, TOO.

4. THE GUESSING POST AT [livejournal.com profile] twsecretsanta has links to all the fics posted so far.

5. [livejournal.com profile] laurab1 wrote me and Crue a little RPS for the holidays, involving Zaza trimming that red dress with white. Sort of. Dirty girl. Of course the dogs are there. Oh poor Scott. Santa Baby.

6. Kidlet has been given a Spiderman punching bag. I think she's out there trying to serve it tea. Or hump it. It's unclear.

7. I HAVE INVENTED A NEW WORD:

CONFLISTED: (adj) state of being when one asks one's friends list or twitter feed a question and receives many opposite suggestions or opinions on the matter.
amand_r: (Default)
1. Okay, here's the deal. I MIGHT have tried the Snuggie out and I MIGHT have fallen asleep on the sofa wearing it. BUT I DID NOT ENJOY IT. I did not immediately upon taking it off, feel a chill through out my body as if my soul had adhered to the Snuggie and been yanked out of my body in the manner of a yogi pulling silken cords from their throat. I did not think, in a moment of weakness, "It's cold, I should put the Snuggie back on."

Nope.

It did smell funny, though.

2. MY SECRET SANTA has written me a gift! The War at Home is a post S2 Torchwood fic, in which Jack and Ianto are having, through a round about narrative way (and a war of silent gifting), their age-old argument, that I shan't give away. Caught in the crossfire is Gwen, and by association, Rhys, who can't get laid while mommy and daddy are fighting at work. It's precious, and awesome, and I haven't left feedback yet because I have tonnes to say about it, but while I am composing my reply, please go over and read it!

There are also at least four other fics by our fabulous Santas, so please go over and read them all.

3. Happy Kwanzaa!

4. How do I tell my kid that Santa only comes once a year? Shitbears. It's that awkward moment like when they ask for the pet you put to sleep last week. No honey, Santa went to live in the farm, until next year.

5. When you have not had any coffee is not a good time to try to put together the vacuum siphon coffeemaker. Strange because I wanted to use it to MAKE coffee. Hrm. The cafetiere is dirty. Autodrip, here I come.
amand_r: (crimmas/jack wearing santa)
I hope that everyone is having a good holiday season. I actually don't know how many of you celebrate Crimmas, the day we commemorate that story about St Nicholas and the eating the bacon children, but I do. So this morning I had me some sausage and oh yeah, Herself had a lie-in.

Me: Get up, babe.
Herself: Mmmprrrghhg.
Me: Santa was here! (This is a lie. Santa was at Joan and Pop-pop's house)
Herself: Mmmprrrghhg.
Me: Let's get dressed so we can go to Joan-ma and Pop-pop's house and open presents.
Herself: (Shoots up like a jack in the box. Covers fly everywhere.) OKAY SURE!

So we did that thing. )

Tonight, I'm writing. As soon as I'm done with these two things, I'm getting drunk, and I'm calling it Crimmas drunk. It might be next week. It might be tomorrow. Who knows? It will be awesome.
amand_r: (crimmas/ianto's crushing santajack)
Holiday Greetings from Amand-r and Vivi! )
amand_r: (christmas/mc chris evergreen)
I know a lot of you have been all, "Oh! I love this song" or that song or something. I share with you, my favorite crimmas song ever: MC Chris's "Evergreen" about those swindler kids who sell you Christmas trees.

Available here, though you really should give the man money.

Well on the first day of Christmas my dealer gave to me A bag of 'shrooms and some LSD )

And a little bit of Prince, for [livejournal.com profile] cruentum: Lemon Crush HAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. DRINK MOAR.
amand_r: (jaws/imma eat y'all)
1. You always wanted to know the weather, Star Wars style. Unfortunately, most cities I entered are much like Hoth right now. Enter a city it doesn't know. LOL.

2. Thanks, [livejournal.com profile] valancy_joy for the awesome package! No spoilers for those yet to arrive at others', but it was adorable!

3. There was some debate last night on Twitter about who would win: Jaws or a velociraptor, and I felt that 140 characters is not enough space for me to explain the reason Jaws would KICK THE VELOCIRAPTOR'S ARSE: )

4. If you haven't added a drink recipe to the list, please do so! Drunkards here!

5. She's…a spinner. )

6. Links to all the anon fic from the Santa Meme. )

If I'm missing any, let me know.

REEL TW due today. Yeah. Uhm.

ETA: A VELOCIRAPTOR RIDING JAWS. THAT IS EFFING RIGHT.
amand_r: (christmas/mc chris evergreen)
Title: Positron
Author: [livejournal.com profile] amand_r
Fandom: RPS
Characters: GDL/Kai
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 2,470
Author's Notes: For [livejournal.com profile] neifile7, a great beta. Happy holidays, lady. (Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] cruentum for vomiting his beta sparkle all over this.)
Summary: Kai shrugs. He's not as comfortable with the whole dissing of fangirls, probably because one of them didn't grab his arse at the bar last night or ask him what it's like to have intimate scenes with John Barrowman for the millionth time in the elevator this afternoon.

Positron )
amand_r: (crimmas/jack wearing santa)
1. So last night we're decorating the tree at my parents' house. My parents' cats have a track record for wrecking the tree, so this year we're just putting crap ornaments on it and hoping for the best. So mom is putting lights on and messing with branches and she distractedly says, "Next year we'll put some real ornaments on. Get some Ketamine and puts the cats down for a week."

Yeah. LOL

2. For all of you stateside who grew up with her, Olivia from Sesame Street has died of breast cancer. I loved Olivia and her rad braids.

3. Sometimes, SNL gets it right.

4. I can only conclude that the Jantoistas didn't like my meagre offering. SADFACE.

5. CARD ROLL CALL: [livejournal.com profile] kel_reiley, [livejournal.com profile] sivatheminty, [livejournal.com profile] miss_winterhill and [livejournal.com profile] lawsontl--thank you so very much! J, your squid is fucking awesome. You should do some TW comics. We can collab!

6. Okay, so Dexter season three is not available on netflix to watch instantly (someone write me Dexter Morgan/Hannibal Lecter mentor!fic. DO. IT.). In my desperation for a series to watch while I do shit, I remembered that I haven't finished The L Word, so I started season three. The L World, man, is horrible, but I can't stop watching it. It makes me cringe on the part of all women, and I'm trying to figure out why that is. But I think it starts with the lyrics to the theme song:

The Way That We Live, by Betty )

7. AWWWWWW YEAH HAAHAHAHAA.

8. HEY! LATER TODAY! DRINKS POST! GET YOUR ALCOHOLIC RECIPES HANDY!

9. ALSO, RPS. WOOT!

10. AND A BODY, DEAD, WRAPPED IN PLASTIC.

11. IF SOMEONE MADE A TORCHWOOD VID TO THIS SONG, IT MIGHT TOP I'M A BOSS. MIGHT..
amand_r: (crimmas/ianto's bow ass)
The recipient is getting a paper copy of this all dolled up, but because it won't get there before she leaves on her holidays, I am posting it early.

Title: Taceas; Taceam*
Author: [livejournal.com profile] amand_r
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack/Ianto
Rating: PG
Wordcount:
Author's Notes: I might have written the whole last half of this with Ashokan Farewell on repeat. Fuck might've. I did. (Then the maudlin po-po came and broke my iPod.) Beta work by the loverly and viscous [livejournal.com profile] misswinterhill. This is for [livejournal.com profile] blue_fjords, a lovely person and excellent beta, but overall, a great friend. I only met her this year, but in some ways, it feels like a lot longer. Ampersand hearts semicolon, baby.
Summary: Still, he rather resented the loss of what he only now realised had been a holiday ritual of its own: beer and Motown, smugness and laziness. Sock feet on the hardwood. A ratty sweatshirt. All of that had been replaced with a wet suit, a cold, congealed dinner, tap water, and an overwhelming exhaustion and sense of uncleanliness that came from following three Blowfish through the alleys of Grangetown for hours on end.

Taceas; Taceam )
amand_r: (crimmas/ianto's crushing santajack)
1. My Santa idea is fucking BRILLIANT.

2. Anyway, I want to talk about what a douche I am in the matter of talking about fic ideas. )

That said, anyone is free to talk to me about their fic any damn time they want. Any damn time.

3. TOO. MANY. DEADLINES. But still. Good, yeah? A THOUSAND YEARS.

4. That said, the Jaws/Torchwood needs a beta. I will be sending it in chunks (sets of completed chronological scenes) as I finish them. Spag and plot holes. Halp?

5. I want to sell short stories. How do I do this? LOL I kid. No I don’t. For srs, I would research before I asked you dudes. You are busy, and my fingers aren't painted on.

6. I should buy my kid crimmas presents. But I don't know what to get her. Everyone already bought her all the cool stuff.

7. I made cards this year, and you may have already gotten/will be getting one. I made 6 designs total: 5 Torchwood and one custom job. So here they all are, so you can see what everyone else got. )

There we go.
amand_r: (tw/john and the poodle)
Title: Thundersmack
Author: [livejournal.com profile] amand_r
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Ianto/Hart
Rating: R
Wordcount: 2,350
Author's Notes: For [livejournal.com profile] lionessvalenti, an excellent pornicator, and a great co-writer. Happy Crimmas. Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] 51stcenturyfox for the betazzercise!
Summary: Jesus, Hart was unmanageable.

Lisa used to have a word for men like John Hart: manchild. )
amand_r: (HL/Seekret SantARRRRRGH)
1. For those of you kicking it old school, [livejournal.com profile] hlh_shortcuts's deadline for posting stories is today. If you are going to be late, please email me (I need an extension time), so that I can plan around you. I need to hear from several of you who have fallen off the radar, which is never a good sign.

2.



We went to see Santa Claus! )

3. In the interests of finishing on time, I have decided to challenge myself to write the whole reel TW in scenes of increasing wordcount. So far it breaks down like this:

Prologue- 200 words
Scene 1- 300 words
Scene 2- 400 words

--and so on until I get to 900 words in the last scene, and then the Epilogue is 200 words.

It's been horribly vacillating between funny funny jokes about the movie Jaws (Jack thinks it's funny, they take a boat out called the Shamu. Ianto is not amused) and horrible depictions of people getting slaughtered. I think I might have even used the phrase "meat strippets". I don't know what they are, but I can describe them. I think I like the word "strippets". And if the meat strippets are cooked, the are then termed, "meat scribbles".

I hope you weren't eating.

THAT IS ALL.

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