amand_r: (guy gardner/thumbs up!)
1. The computer died. I am writing to you from the new one, Toshiko Toshiba, Mistress of the Dark Computer Arts.

a. This means that everything is actually trapped on my old hard drive, including the stories i owe three of you. I have to get ahold of a serial hard drive case, and when I do, I can access the giant vag in the center of the earth files again. I might just have to start those stories over in the meantime.


2. I need german food recipes! I am having the buds over for dinner, and i want to make spaetzle! I cannot get good brats here, sadface. But I was thinking I might try the strip district for some rabbit! Anyone have anything German to recommend?

3. As announced on twitter, I shall be writing a YA novel that is a steampunk vampire rip-off of The Color Purple called, "The Color Vortex" or possibly "The Vortex purple." It might also involve a Danny Glover robot that says "I'm too old for this shit."

Really, most of this stupid shit is on my twitter. If you ever feel the nee to talk to me during the day about lame shit, I'm cerebralcutlass.

4. ALSO--even though I am behind on the stories, I am still sending out the cookies soon! SO! IF YOU WOULD LIKE SOME GINGERNSNAPS OR GARAM MASALA CHOCOLATE GINGERBREAD, AND A LITTLE FICLET, PLEASE SEE HERE: Amand-r's Frabjous Writing Promo. The ficlets are supposed to be 500 words, but as you can see from the first one, I kind of discard that sometimes. BUT 500 WORD MINIMUM!

The first story was for [livejournal.com profile] lilian_cho, and was called Registry, inspired by her starter sentence of, "It's not like there's a Chinese gay kama sutra."

5. Soon I shall watch the second half of Torchwood Miracle Day. And then, even thought I have been discouraged with fandom lately, I shall open the las.

6. Highlander peeps, I have not forgot you! Not having the templates on hand makes life slightly more pissy, but I know how to cut and paste, so I'll steal them soon. Sign ups start tomorrow, I think!
amand_r: (the asian persuasion)
Hello all, it's been a while, so I shall UPDATE BY NUMBERS.

1. Cookies have been awesome. I am taking a break. I have many new things that I want to try, but they aren't going to ship well in this heat. That said, if you ever want some cookies, feel free to drop me a line. I am now making shit on demand. Except the chocolate caramel shortbread. They are a pain in the ass.

2. Kidlet is done with preschool! Well, for this year at least. I have embarrassing video, but I am too lazy to upload it.

3. My computer died recently! It was horrible. I was trying to log on, and it kept telling me my user profile couldn't load properly. After shedding bitter tears, I managed to save all my files from safe mode onto an external drive, and then I had to reinstall the OS from factory settings. Strange how everything runs now. On the other hand, there's something cleansing about getting a fresh start.

4. I have been reading a great deal. You can find my reading on Goodreads. Right now I'm reading about the monster of Florence.

5. I MADE PASTA FROM SCRATCH. IT WAS AWESOME.

6. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS AWESOME? HOT DOGS.

7. Here is the story of how I am bitter:

One day I started watching Wire in the Blood. I watched 2 eps and then forgot. Then a month later I was all, “I should check out Wire in the Blood”, and lo, I already had. I resumed my watching. BY THE WAY the special with Tony in Texas was the best thing ever. I lolled so hard. Anyway, I got to the end of season 6 when [spoiler] and it ends with [spoiler] and Then I click ed the “Next” button on the Netflix streaming screen.

Nothing happened. I looked and saw they only had up to season six. Never mind, I will download the torrent somewhere.

That's right, in my head I had convinced myself that there are 8 seasons.

Oh wait, no, that's Waking the Dead.

It became increasingly difficult to locate the season seven torrent No one had it. I was going to do a shot out to my flist. Then I decided to see when it was released. So I checked wikipedia.

Boy, am I bitter. WHAT A FUCKING WAY TO END. NOT TWIN PEAKS EPIC, BUT JESUS.

8. I read the new Sookie Stackhouse. Yeah.

9. I had so many things to say! I have no idea where they went.

10. Lastly, I have a novella/thing coming out in October, and the publisher, Candlemark and Gleam was nice enough to send me promo postcard things to distribute. I was thinking of handwriting some short short stories and offering to send them to people for postage. Would anyone be interested? Want one? I guess if you sent me five bucks, I could send you the card and a half a dozen cookies. Or something.

Postage has gone up package wise, by the way. That's how they get ya.

Off to read more about excising vaginas.
amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
1.



Yeah.

2. My kid has dual ear infections. I like to think of this like deulling banjos. But with ear infections. And less ass pain and more ear pain.

ALSO: My kid has asthma. OTOH, her nebuliser is this cute little yellow thing with "Huffinpuff the Asthma Dragon" on it. When I saw it, I thought it said "Hufflepuff" because it's yellow/gold, and I wanted to ask them for a Ravenclaw one, but then I squashed my inner-nerd and reread it.

Every four hours. EVERY FOUR HOURS. AND PREDNISONE. AND OMNICEF.

I TOLD KID THAT SHE WAS DEFECTIVE AND THAT MAYBE I SHOULD RETURN HER, BUT THEN I REALISED THAT I'D BE RETURNING HER TO MY UTERUS, AND I THINK UNBIRTHING IS SQUICKY.

The mask is shaped like a fish face.

I SHALL CALL HER DARTH VIVI.

3. Watched Sherlock in its entirety (all three eps, I know, the strain). Don't get excited kiddies. It was okay, but yeah. That's about it. I think Moriarty is dumb, but I liked the "consulting criminal" excuse. Finally, something other than, "I'm baaaaaad!"

4. Made gluten free cookies, more than I thought I would. Fun fun fun. They're going on sale tomorrow. And good thing too, because I cannot keep myself from eating the peanut butter ones.

But I found a recipe for complicated cookies that you dip in powdered jello (they look like peaches!), and also I found a recipe that IMITATES OREO COOKIES. DON'T TELL ME THAT WON'T BE AWESOME. I also want to make balls of cake dipped in chocolate. SO MUCH TO TRY TO BAKE, SO LITTLE TIME.

5. Forward, backward, inward, outward, come and join the chase! Nothing could be drier Than a jolly caucus race! Backward, forward, outward, inward, bottom to the top! Never a beginning; there can never be a stop. To skipping, hopping, tripping fancy free and gay, started it tomorrow, but will finish yesterday!

6. Also, was thinking of what awesome poetry Supremes lyrics would make. In the style of cummings:

Baby.
baby.

baby don't leave me
please don't leave me

all by

my
self

i've got this yearning (burning) yearning

feelin' inside (me)
deep inside( me)

& it hurts so bad



See? Tomorrow I shall sing you "All Along the Watchtower" in the style of Ethel Merman.
amand_r: (doctor who/HARRIET JONES)
1. Guess what you can't wipe up with a Clorox wet nap? Baking Soda. Nope, if spills on the floor and you go to wipe it up, but you just end up pushing it around on the lino. Then when you give up and try to scoop as much of it as you can see, you realize you have just thinned it to an invisible coating of baking soda. And then for days when you step in that area in your socks, you get a squidgy feeling as you slide around in it. Then you realize that you put this in your body: A POWDER THAT CANNOT BE DISSOLVED AND PICKED UP BY THE LIQUID IN A CHLOROX WIPE. (Spider has since informed me that I can clean it with vinegar. Thanks, babe.)

2. Squeezing lemons when your hands are chapped to the point of cracking is not the smartest idea in the universe, lightbulb. However, if you put your fingers in baggies and put a rubber band at the base of each finger, you get to race the clock to see if the pain from cracked skin or the pain from listing feeling in the fingers will make you stop first.

The answer is NEITHER BECAUSE I AM THAT BADASS.

3. Me: Viv, are you done pooping?
Her: No. I got to chillax.
Me: What?
Her: Just chillax, mama.

4. I drove behind a Bronco II that had this on a paper taped to the back windshield: I WILLNOT SPEED JUST TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. I SLOW DOWN FOR TAILGATERS.

5. I have many thoughts on Rhianna's S&M. Some of them are not good. Most of them are nonchalant, which as we all know, is the opposite of chalant. Not to be confused with chalet, or Swiss Chalet, which makes me think of Swiss steak, which makes me want steak. Or those onions that come on top of steak sometimes. When you make a bowl of sautéed onions and mushrooms to put on steak and meats, that's called the kitty. I eat the kitty on fried sweetbreads. Now I want to watch Josie and the Pussycats. Dujour means swiss steak!

6. I DID A THING. )
amand_r: (torchwood/ianto will fuck your shit up)
Title: Buy My Fucking Cookies
Fandom: Mander fandom
Characters: Mander, Vstroyer, You, eBay, THE DAMN ASSHOLE WOT OUTBID ME, cookies, the computer
Rating: W for WOE and C for COOKIE (it's good enough for me)
Wordcount: 1000
Author's Notes: I am totes not joking. Warning for butter.
Summary: I HAVE A STORY OF DEFEAT AND TRIUMPH TO TELL.

She was a baker desperately trying to lose weight. And desperately trying to buy DVDs. )
amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
You know, because I'm a mum, random Vivi photos )
amand_r: (OMG YAY)
Amand-r and the great cookie disaster.
--by Amand-r, PEI Esquire, DSMV VI

As this is Viv's first Halloween party I wanted to make a good showing at the whole "I'm an awesome parent and I rule hard" game that instinctually takes over your brain when faced with the sign up sheet for sweets to bring. Mum signed me up for cookies.

I can do cookies.

Simpler is better with preschoolers, but these are discerning palates, raised on Chef Boyardee and Clif Bars. Naturally I wanted to be awesome.

So you know, trauma. )

And then Viv's halloween parade. Skip if you're not into kid pictures. )
amand_r: (tw/ianto hello!)
1.



2. CANT. STOP. LAUGHING.

3. BUTT.

4. WRITING RCBW STOP SUCKING ASS STOP NOT YOUR ASS STOP YOUR MOM'S STOP HA HA I JUST MADE A YOUR MOM JOKE IN A TELEGRAM STOP EXCEPT THIS ISN'T A TELEGRAM SEMICOLON IT'S A POST ON THE INTERNET STOP I GUESS THESE SHOULD BE CLOSE TAGS OR SOMETHING STOP IS THAT TOO META QUESTION MARK STOP I DUNNO I'M JUST SAYING I HAVE BEEN WATCHING A LOT OF FAMILY GUY STOP WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT QUESTION MARK STOP OH YEAH I'M WRITING AND IT'S NOT GOING WELL STOP MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH TRYING TO WRITE ANGST WHILST HAVING A HEAD FULL OF AN INFANT SAYING 'WHAT THE DEUCE' QUESTION MARK STOP AND AN ALCOHOLIC DOG WHO SINGS SHOWTUNES STOP.

5. I have one sentence of wholas. One. It's four lines long. Wharton, you say? You will recognise my story this week because it will be the only one that, whilst you read it, in your head it's narrated by Joanne Woodward.

yes, well

Aug. 17th, 2010 11:34 am
amand_r: (VSTROYER OF WORLDS)
My kid isn't the most...verbally fluid of children. I'm just making notes here of things she's saying lately, for myself.

Excuse me=SOOKIE. Lately has devolved into "SOOKIE IS MINE."

Sleeping Beauty=Sleepin Doody
Pinocchio=Punkinyoyo

Hah. Doody.
amand_r: (Default)
Title: Unworn World
Author: [livejournal.com profile] fishponies ([livejournal.com profile] amand_r and [livejournal.com profile] cruentum
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack/John, OCs
Rating: NC-17
Wordcount: 10,400
Author's Notes: Were we writing stuff we usually didn't? Was that the point of this? I think so. I think it was writing Hart and writing mpreg. So yeah. Mpreg. Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] paragraphs for the beta.
Summary: Jack thought that John'd been way too accommodating through this whole thing, and so he wasn't in the least surprised when the doctor told them that John was too far along in gestation for a procedure.

Alternate Summary for Foxy: how is babby formed? how girl get pregnant?
amand_r: (da bing)


Spot the addition. I LOFF IT.

Also, Sam mocked this up for me ages ago, and I never uploaded it, DESPITE HOW LOLARIOUS IT IS. I can't lj cut this. I just can't.

amand_r: (Default)



Honest to god, the last 30 seconds of this are worth it just to watch the little fuckers fall off benches.
amand_r: (da bing)
For [livejournal.com profile] bk7brokemybrain, a miniscule synopsis of Prison Break. )

I started to do one in my head for NCIS but it's all a jumble of CAF-POW, "Another dead marine!" and "GIBBS IS HUGGING ABBEY." and something about ZIVA being the terminator, and Tony and someone else having sex.

I obviously know too much Oh and there's a duck who does autopsies, but I don't know how that flies in a military institution.
amand_r: (YOUR MOM)
So I did this a while back for Panic! at the Disco, and I figured that in light of the fact that all of my friends online watch SPN, I'd let them know just what I have learnt from their conversations. This is this outsider's understanding of SPN, in post it form. )

So there you have it. Haahahahaaahaha. I KNOW IT'S AN IMPALA. I was gonna draw a deer. LAWL.
amand_r: (da bing)
FIRST:

1. It is the middle of the night, and you wake from a dead sleep because you have to pee. You shuffle to the bathroom and don't even bother turning on the light because you know the way. While there you realise that you have to use feminine protection. You also notice that you run out of loo roll. You unwrap the loo roll and pull the old roll from the spool, and then sit there, half awake, holding the spool in one hand and the new roll in the other.

The spool is, I repeat, the spool is NOT the feminine protection that you have yet to retrieve. No, I stopped myself before it got that far, but I did wonder why it was so big around whilst I held it.

There's a moral (sp—is that spelled right? Moral? Morel? No that's a mushroom. Moral reminds me of sorrel, which always make me think of High Chapparal. Chapparal? Chaparale? Fuck. I'll quit before I start questioning the spelling of "the" and "chair") here, but I don't know who it is.

2. Watching season one of the Tudors again. Why does everyone give each other brooches? From now on, everyone's getting brooches from me.

Side note: OH HAI THAR, EXTREME HOTTNESS THAT IS JOHN RHYS-MYERS' ABS. HOLY FUCK.

3. In cleaning my house, I am stunned by the sheer amount of junk I have, in the form of bits and baubles and things that I cannot simply throw in a box and label. I have baskets and small boxes of little things that I simply don't know what to do with—things I no longer want and haven't needed in the past three years, not enough to unpack them from the basement boxes in which a great deal of them reside. I find myself pitching large quantities of crap. I want to be as light as possible.

Likewise, wow, half-price books, you are awesome.

Additionally, in going through my shelves and boxes of books in the basement, I am slowly filling a box of books marked, simply, "unread". So this year, I shall endeavor to empty that box. It's filled with contemporary novels, non fiction, and a bunch of classic lit I never got to. Like some Dickens and Orczy and even one or two poets whose volumes I purchased and never finished. I would promise not to buy any more books until I finish these, but that is foolhardy and something to which I can never hold myself. So I shan't lie that way. But it's a goal—read more. Read well. Read smartly.

That said, I read the latest Hamilton Merry Gentry book, Divine Misdemeanours. Hey, it's in my ereader. OMG SPOILERS )

4. OH HAI. RPF/RPS CARNIVALE THIS WEEKEND. RIGHT THE FUCK IN THIS LJ. [livejournal.com profile] cruentum IS SO EXCITED HE'S ABOUT TO VIBRATE THROUGH THE INTERNETS. THEN HE WILL BE THE GHOST IN THE SHELL, AND HE'LL HAUNT YOUR ISP AND WHEN YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF WRITING YOUR THESIS, HE'LL REPLACE ALL THE IMAGES AND PIE CHARTS IN THE DOCUMENT WITH PICTURES OF JB'S ASS. YOU MIGHT BE AMUSED. YOUR THESIS ADVISOR AT THE ENTOMOLOGY DEPARTMENT PROBABLY WON'T BE. I think I already addressed this above, but whatevs.

Don't let that happen to you. Write for the Torchwood/Doctor Who RPF Carnivale.

5. So we have a little bit of snow in Pittsburgh this past month. So some mutherfuckers decide it's a great time to do some URBAN SKIING. My favorite is probably the Joe Montana bridge at about 4:00 to the end, and if you watch the credits you not only see some awesome FAIL, but you hear them make fun of Yinzertalk, which is always fun. (h/t [livejournal.com profile] emquilxy)

6. I'm in season two of the Sopranos again. How did I miss this gem? TONY: (frustrated and with finality) Cunnilingus and psychiatry have brought us to this.

Yes. Tony. Yes.

7. My TW season 4 file is corrupted or something, and it was my back up copy. I checked the original and it has no changes since last month. It's like Jesus doesn't want me to write TW anymore. Okay, Jesus.
amand_r: (Default)
I take back all the mocking I did. I have never seen it like this. If you live in a place that get a lot of snow, feel free to mock me, but I just wasn't prepared for:

SNOWPOCALYPSE 2010

1. Lost power (re: heat) at 2 am. Ate the kid for warmth.

2. I kid, we did that huddle for warmth thing.

3. Discovered all coffee was unground. Used mortar and pestle.

4. No method of heating water. Did you know that when water is hot enough to burn you in the shower, it is still not hot enough for coffee?

5. Drank coffee anyway.

6. Went outside. Pics included! )

7. Went inside, peeled off clothes (PLUS: I have lost so much weight that I was able to wear my fleece pyjamapants under my old size 14 jeans. MINUS: COLD)

8. After lunch. POWER RETURNS! HUZZAH! COFFEE FIRST, CHARGE CELL, RUN DISHWASHER.
amand_r: (batman/how exciting is this?)


This is only remotely interesting because this is roughly 4 hours of accumulation.

I just watched the snow plow get stuck in my parking lot.

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