amand_r: (doctor who/HARRIET JONES)
1. Guess what you can't wipe up with a Clorox wet nap? Baking Soda. Nope, if spills on the floor and you go to wipe it up, but you just end up pushing it around on the lino. Then when you give up and try to scoop as much of it as you can see, you realize you have just thinned it to an invisible coating of baking soda. And then for days when you step in that area in your socks, you get a squidgy feeling as you slide around in it. Then you realize that you put this in your body: A POWDER THAT CANNOT BE DISSOLVED AND PICKED UP BY THE LIQUID IN A CHLOROX WIPE. (Spider has since informed me that I can clean it with vinegar. Thanks, babe.)

2. Squeezing lemons when your hands are chapped to the point of cracking is not the smartest idea in the universe, lightbulb. However, if you put your fingers in baggies and put a rubber band at the base of each finger, you get to race the clock to see if the pain from cracked skin or the pain from listing feeling in the fingers will make you stop first.

The answer is NEITHER BECAUSE I AM THAT BADASS.

3. Me: Viv, are you done pooping?
Her: No. I got to chillax.
Me: What?
Her: Just chillax, mama.

4. I drove behind a Bronco II that had this on a paper taped to the back windshield: I WILLNOT SPEED JUST TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. I SLOW DOWN FOR TAILGATERS.

5. I have many thoughts on Rhianna's S&M. Some of them are not good. Most of them are nonchalant, which as we all know, is the opposite of chalant. Not to be confused with chalet, or Swiss Chalet, which makes me think of Swiss steak, which makes me want steak. Or those onions that come on top of steak sometimes. When you make a bowl of sautéed onions and mushrooms to put on steak and meats, that's called the kitty. I eat the kitty on fried sweetbreads. Now I want to watch Josie and the Pussycats. Dujour means swiss steak!

6. I DID A THING. )
amand_r: (torchwood/ianto will fuck your shit up)
Title: Buy My Fucking Cookies
Fandom: Mander fandom
Characters: Mander, Vstroyer, You, eBay, THE DAMN ASSHOLE WOT OUTBID ME, cookies, the computer
Rating: W for WOE and C for COOKIE (it's good enough for me)
Wordcount: 1000
Author's Notes: I am totes not joking. Warning for butter.
Summary: I HAVE A STORY OF DEFEAT AND TRIUMPH TO TELL.

She was a baker desperately trying to lose weight. And desperately trying to buy DVDs. )
amand_r: (spartans dine)
It's no secret that I'm a total unfaithful music whore. I never buy albums anymore. I find things on youtube and pandora and then I buy them. Sometiems, like with K'naan, I do become a fan of all their stuff. But until I hear more of their shit, I stay to the few songs I have.

Here's what's on replay on my iPod. )
amand_r: (rps/it's barrowman country!)
This past weekend I took my kid to DC to see her family and also the pandas, who are like family. Like the shark the panda had millions of razor sharp teeth, which they use like a hacksaw to cut through bone, candy and fences. The Chinese believe that if you find a discarded panda tooth, you have the power to summons Godzilla!

Ahem.

So yeah, here was our trip, pictoral style:

VIVI AND MANDER GO TO DC (NOT DRAGON*CON) )

STAY TUNED FOR THE HALLOWEEN COOKIE DISASTER.
amand_r: (spartans dine)

"MOMMY DON'T GO TO THE BEER FESTIVAL WAH."

I wanna write this up, but I have so much to do that I really cannot spare the time, so here's a half-assed entry.

THE BIG POUR NUMBER 4 )

By: Amanda
Grade 4
amand_r: (YOUR MOM)
I HAD SEX WITH GARETH DAVID LLOYD ON A SINK AT DRAGON*CON AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY MANICURE:



Yes, this sums up my whole D*C experience nicely. )

That was my big fat D*C exp. Seriously, few panels, lots of booze, tonnes of food, great people, EXCELLENT CONVERSATIONS, and a renewed sense of writing. I WILL WRITE THAT FPREG. IT WILL BE AWESOME.

OH AND I THINK I MIGHT HAVE A SEASON TO AIR THIS FALL.

Oh, and Jack and Ianto's post-it D*C adventure )

BUT FOR NOW, my dad is out of surgery, and I'm waiting to hear how he is, and I have plans to make biscotti with cabernet cocoa powder, and possibly some cupcakes.

I dreamt about biscotti last night.

I made a list of shit to do divided by pages: on page per category, house, work, online, general, errands, etc. IT'S NINE PAGES LONG.

See ya'll on the flip side.

EDIT: I bought their Netherworld Blend and the Reanimator Blend. The latter is great. Haven't tasted the firmer. Go there and browse the teas and coffees.
amand_r: (tw/jack licks eleven)
1. So last night I'm writing a check to the cemetery to put a summer box of flowers at Tianyu's grave, and they ask for the location, and I don't know what the fuck that is. I'll have to dig it out. But I'm sitting there filling out the rest of the goddamn form, and I find myself crying and apologising to Tianyu, and I don't even know what the fuck for. For the flowers, maybe. That that's all I can give him now, maybe. That I rarely go there. I can't look at it. I don't know what to say to it. It's just kind of there. That stone isn't for me. I would have cremated him and sent his ashes to George Takei to dispose of as he saw fit. Or Christopher Lambert. NO NO. JET LI.

Dear Mister Li:

Enclosed is your future.

Sincerely,

Yul Brynner's Rotting Corpse



2. ENOUGH OF THAT BULLSHIT. DON'T ASK ME TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU, WARREN.

(NSFW)



I missed you, threebrain.

3. apparently Scott Baio just went insane, which I am surprised at, because really, Goats has been making fun of Scott for a while.

You know what I'd like to see? Certain celebs given a twitter and free time to use it and get all wrapped up in it, so that we can see the meltdowns we really deserve. Candidates are: Mel Gibson, Debbie Gibson, Naomi Campbell (we might have to supply additional phones), Kirk Cameron PLEASE GOD KIRK CAMERON. Maybe the youngest kid from Hanson.

4. How a shark gets ready.

5. Lastly, let us all take a moment to appreciate the fine lyrical genius of Salt N Pepa's 1993 masterpiece, "None Of Your Business":

I never put my nose where I'm not supposed to,
Believe me, if he's something that I want, I'm steppin' closer,
I'm not one for playing high-pole
Like the house of ditty 90210 type of ho.
I treat a man like he treats me;
The difference between a hooker and a ho ain't nothin' but a fee.


I feel as if I have been enlightened. I'd also like to mention:

So, yo, so, yo, ho - check it, double deck it on a record butt-naked, but you really have to listen to it: at 2:36

It's also worth it to note that dating the song in the text of the song does not do the song any favours, except that I think that it's charming in a way (1:20). Also, let's give the ladies props for putting a same sex couple in a video back in 1993 (3:14), nicely placed during the line about how no one has the right to judge others. I know it feels like a pittance, but one thing I always admired about SnP was that they were always open minded and fairly liberated in some ways. (Heaven and Hell passes the Bechdel test in a time when most songs were about relationships. The last track on the album is a short skit about HIV from an inner city improv group).

SO, YO, SO YO HO.

Bonus! )
amand_r: (COFFEE)
This is just to say that

I like that whole, "Oh, do you only like heterosexual sex?" bit.
Oh, do you only like dill pickles?
Oh, do you only like Shakespeare's early work?
Oh, did you want the plums from the ice box?
I ate them.
Forgive me.
They were delicious.
So sweet.
And so gay.

ALSO: LONGDOG IS LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG.
amand_r: (drwho/daleks!)
1. Happy Birthday, Lord Byron. I still hate your fucking poetry but want to be your drinking buddy.

2. My kid has discovered the miracle that is Disney Princess SpaghettiOs with meatballs whereas mommy feels like her childhood has been whupped upside the head with a cricket bat.

3. "At the age of 22 Conan applied for a job at Mrs. Fields, but sadly never received a call back," John Lauck, President of Mrs. Fields, tells the Daily News. "We want to officially call you back, and make amends for what we now know was a huge oversight in talent recruitment." OH I LOVE YOU.

BORDERS! I APPLIED FOR A JOB IN 2006! AND 2003! CALL ME! (omg what is wrong with me that you don't want me? Is my hair too natural looking? I CAN CHANGE! MY LIFE FOR YOU! MY LI—WELL NO, BUT—WELL, YEAH, IF YOU ESSENTIALLY CONSIDER THAT I AM OFFERING HOURS OF MY LIFE TO WORK IN YOUR STORE IN EXCHANGE FOR MONEY, I LITERALLY AM TRADING MY LIFE FOR MONEY. HIRE ME! I CAN INDEX AND COLOUR CODE, USE A STEP STOOL AND LOOK PRETENTIOUS AND BE ABSENT WHEN CUSTOMERS NEED HELP! I COULD DO THAT FOR YOU.)

4. I started using a new conditioner, and I gotta tell you people, it smells fucking fantastic. I don't know that it's any better or worse than what I was using before, conditioner wise, but it SMELLS GREAT. I HAVE BEEN HUFFING MY HAIR ALL DAY.

5. The following conversation also occurred.

Me: Wanna listen to Dream?
Her: No. Sleep!
Me: You want to go to sleep?
Her: Yeaaaaaah.
Me: You never want to go to sleep. What, are you on crack?
Her: Oh yeah, okay crack.
Me: I wasn't offering.

Then she spent fifteen minutes trying to cram the stuffed giraffe into her ski pants. OH I HAVEN'T SHOWED YOU THE GIRAFFE AND HIS CLOTHING ADVENTURES. I have been remiss. )

6. [livejournal.com profile] opium_and_tea I owe you, and it's partially done! I have showed it to peoples! So, soon, but I need to pause-button today to work some shit out in RL. Muther fuckers.

7. mini-meme: Five Favorite Female Characters, because I ain't putting pics up for you: a) Princess Fucking Leia, b) Vanyel's Aunt Savil in the Last Herald Mage books, c) Gwen Cooper, d) Lt. Anita Van Buren on the Original Law and Order, e) Buffy Summers, BONUS: f) Amy Gardner, from the West Wing (possibly also Nancy Botwin, Mary Louise Marker's character from Weeds)
amand_r: (the asian persuasion)
I spent yesterday procrastinating and writing and finishing my crimmas cards, which, if I do say so myself, are pretty fucking funny. I'll post them sometime closer to the holiday, because they need to be shared.

But I get ahead of myself! Today! UPDATE! BY! NUMBERS! )

That is all. There aren't the droids you're looking for. There aren't the droids we're looking for. You can go about your business. You can go about your business. Move along. Move along.
amand_r: (tw/janet likes you)
1. I HAD THIS QUEER FEELING IN MY SOUL, AS IF THOUSANDS OF, NO MILLIONS OF SOULS CRIED OUT IN TERROR AND WERE SUDDENLY SILENCED, AND I REALISED THAT I DIDN'T HAVE AN LJ ENTRY.

2. [livejournal.com profile] delicfcd, who is not on my flist (that should probably be remedied) has topped me in the BEST LINKAGE OF PHOTO AND QUOTE EVAR when she pulled Stephenson's Snowcrash together which a photo of the Spetsnaz. FUCK ME, PEOPLE. THAT SHIT IS FUCKED UP.

3. All my pants are too big, they fall down low on my hips and then you can't see my lovely ass. I think it's time for new pants.

4. I'm starting to run. Well, walk really really really fast. It's fun. When I do it, MY HANDS ARE LIKE BLADES. And then the ladies in the park flye from me (that sometime me did seeke). Vivi loves it: she loves to run and run and run, screaming, "OKLAHOMA OKLAHOMA OKLAHOMA OKLAHOMA OKLAHOMA." If you get that movie reference I'll write you a drabble of your choice right in the comments.

I need to see that movie again.

5. I BOOKED MY HOTEL ROOM AT HUB3. I WAS ALL, "SOOOOO CHEAP!" AND THEN I REALISED IT WAS POUNDS. DAMN YOU. Well, actually, compared to when I stayed in Toronto or Chicago, it's not bad at all. I even sprang for the breakfast thing, because I sense that will be the only time I actually eat something that isn't fermented and comes in a glass or bottle.

6. BLUE-BLEU!!!!! AGENT JOHNSON IS GOING TO BE THERE! If Alice was going to be there too, I would be all, "GET YOUR ASS ON A PLANE. THE COE GODS (ON)DEMAND IT!"

7. So Foxy called me this morning from the GDL panel and I got to be in one of those surreal moments when you hear everything going on, but it was basically GDL mumbling in his adorable welsh vowels. I might have squeed. Then 30 minutes later Lifty called me and started his PC Andy routine, but I was laughing so hard I could only make out that he was asking me something about breasts. Lifty-licious, the reason that I was a total dweeb on the phone was that I bowled over by the sexy.

8. Also last night, Foxinator called and we chatted, and I think I might have agreed to be her roomie for D*C next year, WHICH IS AWESOME. PLAN FOR THE NEXT ONE WHILE YOU'RE STILL AT THE CURRENT ONE. She wants to actually stay at a Con hotel next time, and I can't blame her. OTOH, she is staying at the weekend HQ of Black Gay Pride, so that is pretty cool, too.

9. I washed my face, but it still feels scrotty.

10. OMG [livejournal.com profile] lionessblack and I started writing our Big Bang this week, on Sunday, I think. WE ARE NOW AT 8,000+ WORDS, AND THEY ARE ALL FUCKING BRILLIANT (except for that one word, the typo.) I LOLED SO EFFING HARD. MUPPETS TAKE MANHATTAN, PEOPLE.

11. SOMETIMES IS FEEL LIKE I SHOULD GIVE UP AND JUST PERMANENTLY LOCK DOWN MY CAPSLOCK KEY. PEOPLE. I LOVE THE CAPSLOCK.
amand_r: (drwho/rose and the doctor)
1. Someone explain to me why Asheru doesn't have a full EP for this fucking song. Because I am tired of pressing "play" on this 30 second clip. And if there is a full edit, TELL ME.

I AM THE STONE THAT THE BUILDER REFUSED, I AM THE VISUAL, THE INSPIRATION THAT MADE THE LADY SING THE BLUES. I AM THE SPARK THAT MAKES YOUR IDEA BRIGHT, THE SAME SPARK THAT LIGHTS THE DARK SO THAT YOU CAN KNOW YOUR LEFT FROM YOUR RIGHT. I AM THE BALLOT IN THE BOX, THE BULLET IN THE GUN, THE INNERGLOW THAT LETS YOU KNOW WHEN TO CALL YOUR BROTHER, SON. THE STORY THAT JUST BEGUN, THE PROMISE OF WHAT'S TO COME, AND IMMA REMAIN A SOLDIER 'TIL THE WAR IS WON.

That makes me wanna booze up and riot. That, incidentally, is going to be the speech I give in court when I act as my own defense. Like, in my opening argument. My closing argument will obviously be:

..ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it; that does not make sense!

Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm[not] a lawyer defending a major record company [myself], and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberatin' and conjugatin' the Emancipation Proclamation,
(softly) does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.

I can taste freedom already. I choose however, as is my conjugal right, to put up a poster of Raquel Welsh on my cell wall.

2. So:



The rudest thing I have ever asked someone is if they will give me 10 percent of all their children (And while we're on that subject, I don't see what the big deal was. I mean, Hallo? You yielded in the past! Duh!). The rudest thing I have ever been asked is, 'So, what’s with all the mucus throwing?' IT'S A SKIN CONDITION, PEOPLE..

3. The Hermione Big Bang is edited and sent to the mods. *squee* ONE DOWN, TWO TO GO, BIATCHES. By November I shall be footloose and fancy free (and ready to start looking for a job. Boooooo! Hiss!). I might even pretend to be Kevin Bacon.

4. After much debate (and some Wallow Weekend encouragement), I am decided to start posting the body swap, even though it's not done. I know this means that I won't have some readers until it's done, and that is fine. But It's sitting here, and the more I look at it, the more ornery I get, and it's been a long time since I've posted something FUN, FUN FUN, PEOPLE. CRACKALICIOUS SILLINESS WITH A SIDE OF SRS BZNS (AND PLOT). SO, read it if you like, or don't. But even the unfinished parts are mostly written. I have the first three "days" written complete. Day Four is almost completely done, and days five through eight are chopped up into sections. Like I said, read it if you want. :)

5. MY PARENTS TOOK MY KID TO THE LAKE FOR THE DAY. WHATEVER SHALL I DO? I THINK I'LL SEE HOW MANY WORDS I CAN WRITE IN ONE DAY. JACK WON'T LAY HIMSELF, YOU KNOW. WELL, HE COULD, BUT YOU KNOW.
amand_r: (spartans dine)
1. Pornsultant Bob is on Doctor Who Season 2:

Pornsultant Bob: K9 is really cute.
Amand-r: Oh Jesus. K-9. I read a Jack/K-9 somewhere.
Pornsultant Bob: That just seems unnecessary. Robotic Bestiality... Not my cup of tea.
Amand-r: Not when it's Jack. It's like it HAS TO BE DONE BECAUSE IT'S THERE.
Pornsultant Bob: Only for Organic Life. Kinda.
Amand-r: INTERSPECIES...ROBOTICA?
Pornsultant Bob: If Robotica is a legitimate form of porn, than so is an inflatable girlfriend.
Amand-r: YOU MEAN THEY AREN'T?
Pornsultant Bob: Not really.
Amand-r: Next you'll be telling me that there's no such thing as the donkey show.

2. Yesterday, [livejournal.com profile] misswinterhill said that I was squee anthropomorphised, so feel free to think of me as that.

3. Thanks for the nice words yesterday, mah peepes (I spelled that Samuel Pepys style—YE OLD PEEPES.)

4. So last night [livejournal.com profile] sthayashi, the delectable E, and another friend, we'll call him Clyde, came over for dinner and drinking. Clyde is not with our mad drinking skills, as you can see on the POST IT NOTE:



But around beer three, the swords came out. )

5. I watched the Dead Like Me movie Friday night. I really really liked it. I mist be the only one. Thoughts later.

6. I have to get my fingers to work this morning. Right now they feel like they're made out of gummi worms. Fuck.
amand_r: (multifandom COCK ICON)
1. Gun porn moment: The New Kahr P380. Yeah, small, better for concealed carry, but what about the recoil? The last Kahr I test-drove packed more punch than a .45. And also: The Glock 22 RTF .40. RTF=ROUGH TEXTURE FRAME. I think I might be a little in love. Just a smidge. Glock had to invent a new word for the texture: "polymids". Oh Glock, don't ever change. Still, too big, probably for my hand or concealed carry. But: Glock!

Yes. I might have purchased the Combat Handguns magazine at the store. And also Special Weapons for M&P. What?

NO NO WAIT. Y HALLO THAR, LOVER. I don't even know what I would DO with it, but I want it. I want it badly. IT LOOKS LIKE THE LASSITER, FROM FIREFLY.

2. [livejournal.com profile] ithildyn has asked a few hard questions, and I aim to answer them in a convoluted manner!

1. If you write fic, do you ever feel as if you need to go with popular fanon when you write or do you stick to canon as you see it as much as you can?
2. As a reader, do you prefer to read fic with familiar fanon content, or do you prefer more canonical fic?
3. What are some fanon/canon things in your fave fandoms? Which ones do you hold true in your personal fanon canon and which ones make you twitch?

Well, shit. )

3. I HAVE COUNTED TO THREE SO MANY TIMES IN THIS POST I DON'T KNOW WHAT NUMBER I'M ON.

4. I cut mah bangs. I cut them too short and am now sporting some freakish Amelie haircut here. )
amand_r: (tw/john--bikini cops)
1. This morning, my coffee, TO WHICH I DO NOT ADD SWEETENER, tastes reminiscently of Sugar Smacks. It's my fault. I let that goddamn Dig Em frog in here last night and now everything tastes a little bit like shitty cereal.

2. So, I was "fixing" a laptop for my dad, who boned his and had to reinstall Windows XP and all that shit. What he did was run the install disk, and then he couldn't get online. So here I am, fucking about with all kinds of shit in the settings, deep into the BOWELS of the computer that requires commands prompts and the recitation of the Holy Writ of Microsoft or something, and then I'm like, "Well, if I could dial up from the laptop, I bet I could download the drivers you're missing." Off to my house comes the lappy.

The Ballad of Driver Quest Idiocy )

3. How did I miss this? Let Me Borrow That Top. No Jack, no.

Also? I have to admit that I found the editing in this charming: Ianto Jones's Diary

4. I am pleased to sat that [livejournal.com profile] ask_captainjack's Red Nose Day Charity fundraiser exceeded our fundraising goal of £50, and is now at £75. That's sweet. The page is here: where some people left nice comments. I particularly like the one that mentions that A_CJ caused the greatest OTP of all: soda/computer screen. Apparently Comic Relief says that with that amount, we can help an African family open a small business, which I am all for, because I like entrepreneurship. And also, people owning shit.

OTHER THINGS THAT I AM FOR INCLUDE:

1. Puppies
2. Cheese
3. FREE STEAK
4. I'M THE BOSS.

THINGS THAT I AM NOT FOR INCLUDE:

1. My screwed up knee.
2. My messy desk.
3. NOT FREE STEAK.
4. Mrs. Goodbee's Scary Eyes )

5. It's a week until…what do we call it now? Aunt Flow comes to town? Riding the cotton pony? I dunno. Anyway. My boobs hurt, and I have to hold them when I run down the stairs. It's like bikini cops in slow motion. No. Anyway, none of this happened to me before the baby, so I get to blame her for my PMS woes. ::sad panda face::

6. That is all. You may go about your day now.

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